britt5610

Hi, Im new here, but my boyfriend and i have been dating for several months now and i am 9 weeks pregnant with his child and we are planning on getting married. he got out of rehab for oxycotton and heroin addiction about a week or 2 before we ran into each other again and started dating. last week a few of his old friends came over while i was at work from 5 pm to 9 pm and he had just got his pay check. they drank a little and were just hanging out. he had been doing so great so i never worried about him relapsing anymore. i was so proud of him. he was doing wonderful. i got home that night and we all hung out then everyone went home and me and my boyfriend hung out on the couch and he said he was going to get a bath and then we would go get in bed so i was watching tv while he was in the bath and i heard the water running and then i all of a sudden heard this banging type noise(like the sound of chopping up pills on a counter) i wasnt stupid i knew what that sound was, i had many friends that had got addicted to oxycotton. anyways i went to the bathroom and the door was locked so i turned the lock and went in and he was standing over the sink with a needle and the pill in a spoon. it broke my heart. i didnt know what to do or what to think. i was going to leave that night and sat in my car for hours just crying. i finally told him i would stay as long as he slept on the couch. so he did. he said that he dumped it down the sink because he saw what it did to me. and he also went ahead and confessed that he did it one time a month ago when the same friend that came over had some then... i know he really does love me and is really sorry but i still dont know whether to believe he dumped it and only did it one other time. i dont know how to trust him at all. and yesterday i was snooping through his closet and i found half a soda can that had been used to melt a pill and a needle stuffed in the back of a pile of clothes. he swears it was from before rehab and had been looking for it since, but i dont know how he would have missed it. it was under the top of the pile of clothes but he said he never gets clothes from there. i dont know how to believe him. i dont know if hes telling the truth or not. this is the hardest thing i have ever been through in my life. i really need some support and advice. i dont want to turn to family and have them hate him if he is telling the truth.
thanks, b.

britt5610

Yes i have been tested, and he has as well and were both clean.
thank you for your advice. i do agree with you. it is just very hard and hurts me alot.
thank you.

outtolunch

He values getting high more so than anything else. He is an addict and doing what addicts do. His actions have and will continue to expose the truth.

My boundary is that I will not associate with people who use drugs. I take responsibility for myself and my own boundaries and this includes removing myself from any situation that involves drug usage. I have no control over the outcome. Others are free to choose to use drugs, or not. That choice has nothing to do with me. I do not dislike or hate people because they use drugs. I simply will not associate with them. I choose to live my life without the chaos and drama of drugs. I accept that I am powerless over other people's choices.

How about you?

MrsMagoo

Aw Britt, you are certainly in a tough spot and I don't envy you being pregnant with all those raging hormones too!

Of course your boyfriend does love you. That is very hard for us "codies" to understand..."how can he love me if he's doing drugs and knows that I said if he ever did it again...."

My husband is an addict/alcoholic and I saw him through many treatment programs and detox. I thought I was being supportive and I thought I was being the good wife by standing by him and cheering him on when he got out. I was also pregnant when he relapsed the first time. I thought the pregnancy would change him. He swore the pregnancy would change him. I thought when the baby was born, he'd be the father he told me he wanted to be. He thought so too. On and on. The first 3 years of our daughter's life, I was a single-parent, living under the same roof as her other parent. It sucks being a single parent to begin with but when it's because they can't be a parent because their addiction is consuming all their attention and the money is coming in, but it's going to the dealer instead of for diapers or formula....truly it sucks.

Listen, you are going to hear this a thousand times. You are going to swear that your boyfriend is different and this situation is different (and we all truly hope it IS) but until you walk away and let him fall flat on his face and stay there until HE is ready to get clean and stay clean, he will not truly get clean. You will hear the term, "dry drunk" and that just means they are clean but for the grace of God but not in recovery.

I finally, finally kicked my husband out. There was no contact between he and I or our daughter for more than 6 months. I heard horror stories of where he'd been seen, how terrible he looked, etc. - hell, he'd come to court blistered and my heart broke. I was terrified he'd end up dead and nobody would know how to contact me.

After being here on SR for over a year, I finally started listening in small increments and eventually told him to leave and meant it. I got a restraining order which was the best thing for me and let him find his bottom on all his own. YOu see, I kept deciding for him when he had had enough and but it wasn't enough for him. He would stay clean for a while, say all the right things and do what he wanted or needed to do anyway.

Recently, well, I guess it was in July, I let my husband move back in. He has celebrated a year of sobriety which was a requirement of mine. We have both been in recovery and working on our issues in different parts of the state. He found his legs, went to school, took care of himself and his disease and was able to come back to us with something to offer, mainly his dignity.

britt5610

Mrs. Magoo,
thank you so much for your help. You're right. He does keep saying all the right things and that what he did was wrong. He does know it. And right now were still together, but im not sure how long it will last between us after all that has happened. Im not sure if i can handle going through this for too long not being able to trust him. Im trying to decide whether i should give him one more chance before leaving or if i should leave now. He got a new job that he starts tomorrow and i know it will occupy alot of his time, but then i also worry about him having alot more money than usual. Hopefully i will find the right decision soon.
thank you for your help.

Lizzaayy

dear you are not alone. i am 8 mths pregnant and my bf relapsed almost 2 mths ago. his drugs are oxys and roxys, the hardest, most evil pills ever manufactured. i have broken contact with him. that is what you must do. you must not talk to or see him until he is sober. until he is COMPLETELY 100% clean.
you deserve honesty. you deserve happiness. none of this is your fault. love yourself and your baby more than this shell of a person you no longer know. only when you show your true strength and independence will he truly realize what he's lost, and if he is willing to WORK to get it back.
i am here if you need anything. blessings to you and your little one.

splendra

I am going to stick with this answer: His choice has nothing to do with me or you. I think this is one of the most important concepts for someone involved with any person in active addiction and, until, we get that things will most certainly get worse.

The sooner you get that the quicker you will move forward with your own choices and leave your own sickness in the dirt. Don't let it steal your soul kiddo.

britt5610

Lizzayy,
those are my boyfriends pills of choice as well. They really are the devil. Thank you for your help. Im trying my best to have no contact with him but it is very hard and he still wants to go to my first dr appointment with me. I know i need to have no contact with him. So im going to try my best. Good luck with your situation as well, i hope everything turns out ok for yall.

Lizzaayy

the way i have seen it, as long as he's doing what he is, he has no rights to go to your appointments or to even be around you. he can not respect you enough to stay sober.
and it is hard, because we want to be there and show them love and compassion. because they are hurting and feel alone. but they will only drag you down as well, until they can get help and feel better themselves. it is difficult, it isn't fair, and it is very, very infuriating. but addicts are sick, and they only care about escaping their pain.

britt5610

The way i see it all now is you will never know if they wil ever be completely sober even after they're sober for a year or even 5 years. If they slip up once or every day. No one will ever truly know if they will end up slipping or not. We just have to have faith and pray every day. We know in our hearts the right thing to do and God will show us the way. I've been reading the bible alot more lately and God is pointing me in the direction to give a second chance and be supportive right now. The right thing for me to do is to not leave C in the dark. All people are different even addicts. And i know for C, the right thing is to be supportive. Maybe later on in life i will have to leave but for now God is telling me to stay. He has a new job working all day 6 days a week and has community service on sundays and we are going to start going to church at his rehab center some sundays. He has one little boy that is 2 and he is going to get full custody of him to keep him busy as well. He is fighting more than i have ever seen him fight. Im still going to be cautious and watchful but all i can do is have faith. That's all any of us can do. Good luck to all with their own situations and God bless all and their little ones. Thank you for everything and keep in touch with updates.

Lizzaayy

good luck, dear. be strong. keep yourself and your unborn out of harms way.
my abf once drove with me in the car 7 mths pregnant while high as can be ((i did not know until he started slurring)) and nearly got into a wreck.
whether you believe it or not, addicts will eventually put you in danger, lie to you, and make you crazy.
it sounds like your man is making the steps needed to recover. i wish all 3 of you the very best.

britt5610

Thank you hun. I hope he does make a full recovery. I wish you the best as well and hope your boyfriend recovers and can be there for you and your soon to be born. Update when it is born and i hope that everything goes well!

cherrie1

Good luck, I really wish you the best. Just be smart and listen to your inner voice. If it tells you he is using believe it, it is usually right. Addicts are great at trying to convince us we are the crazy ones, that it is not what it looks like. My addicts are my sons and so many times I believed what they tried to convince me of but deep down I think I knew. It was just easier to believe they were telling the truth. You are going to have a baby and his other child to think of and protect so be smart. Maybe he will change (both of my sons are in recovery) but keep your eyes open and protect yourself and your baby. Living with an addict and the lies that come with it are horrible. Best of luck.

britt5610

I am so proud of my boyfriend. More proud than i could ever be. He took the step to tell me and his mom that he wants to get on soboxone to help the urges so he doesnt end up slipping. Soboxone is a drug that gets rid of all urges and doesn't give a high feeling and can't be addicted to like methadone. Im very proud of him for making this step. I hope everyone else is doing well also.

sofacat

Is he planning on checking himself into rehab for the Suboxone?

Or is he just trading one scrip for another?

fourmaggie

3 c's
you did not cause this
you can not control this
you can not cure this

HE HAS to do the work...
and YOU need AL ANON please go and join a group...and if you do not like THAT group, find another....

outtolunch

Suboxone creates a physical dependency. It is addictive but reportedly not as addictive as Methodone. It causes withdrawal syptoms, reportedly not as severe as methodone. His milage will vary, if he actually gets a script for Subs and takes them as directed.

Subs do not kill the emotional desire for a buzz/escape. It is not uncommon for those using subs to seek another drug of choice. It is not a magic pill. Addicts routinely trade subs for their drug of choice.

Wanting to get on subs is not the same thing as being on subs and fully engaging in recovery. When we feel proud of someone else it usually means we are trying to validate ourselves ala he cares ( about me) enough to do this ( for me and our unborn child and therefore I/we made a difference).

I feel the momentum of the roller coaster you are on right now where your own emotional well being is tied to what he does or does not do. Remember, you have the power to get off Mr. Toad's Wild Ride anytime you want to do so.

wall

I am so sorry for you. I have a 9 month old little girl by a crack addict. He drinks but his drinking isnt as bad as the drugs. It probably would get worse if he quit the drugs. It was no place for my daughter. Four months before she was due I left him. To keep myself from going back I went across the country. Now she is 9 months old and safe. I miss him and I am struggling with my decision to keep her from him due to his habits. You will have to make the choice for you and your daughter. It has to be something you can live with. It can't be done to make anyone else happy. It has to be what is best for you and your daughter. I don't know your financial status, but make plans now. Babies are expensive and drug addicts will take every dollar they have for their poison and leave nothing for supplies, clothes, dr. bills.....

Good luck and I really hope you can find a way to be both happy and safe where you can enjoy this time in your life. It is a beautiful experience.