texrican

I usually lurk quietly in the background as I try to learn from everyone’s experiences, advice, rant sessions, etc… and I thank everyone for sharing as I can relate to a lot of it... but today I HAVE TO VENT or I'll explode


He’s out of the house. I gave him until the end of the month, but for whatever reason, he decided to leave on the 10th, his PAYDAY! He’s probably close to being broke by now!

I’m a mess. When I came home on Friday and saw his stuff was gone, I got sick; could not breathe; almost passed out. Had it not been because the kids were with me and I had so much to do to prepare for my daughter’s bday, I think I would have just collapsed… I could not believe it had really happened. I thought at least I would have a few weeks to get used to the idea of him being gone; to think about what I would tell the kids (3 of them, 2 from my previous relationship and 1 with him); what I would tell my family (they don’t know of his addiction.. BTW, pain pills) but he changed all that and caught me off guard. DON’T GET ME WRONG, I don’t want him back, unless he gets into rehab and goes to counseling by his own will. I’ll stand by him as long as he is trying to help himself, but HE is the one who has to make that first step. I can’t do that for him. I AM GLAD that he’s gone. But I’m just so torn.

I love him so much it hurts, but I love my kids even more. I’m in the no contact mode… unless it’s about our daughter …. but I have found myself picking up the phone to txt him and it takes all the willpower I have to put it down.

barb dwyer

wall

Hi, I can relate to trying to control the impulse to call or text. To keep myself from going back to my daughters dad I left the state. I had to go across the country to get away, but I would still call. I would check my phone at 2,3, and 4 am to see if he had called or sent a text. I finally quit after she was born, not enough hours in the day, but she is 9 months and I still long for contact. I am new to this so I can't offer any useful advice. A broken heart is a broken heart no matter what the reason, be it bc we are watching a loved one destroy themselves, or due to a breakup bc of an addiction when we know that we both love one another a broken heart sucks. All I can offer is a hug and a shoulder.

ThatLittleGirl

<<Hugs>>...sorry you are having to go through this...and it appears as though you've done it on your own (since you haven't involved your family yet)... I know it's tough...but maybe this is for the best. It's like just ripping the band-aid off at one time...it hurts, but perhaps not as much as it would have if you'd prolonged the inevitable.

As hard as it is...don't text...don't call. If you feel an impulse...text yourself with what you'd text him. Then give yourself some time and read it...and save it or delete it...I've learned that if I'd just give it time...the impulse/compulsion will ease...and the few times I've managed to do that, I'm soooooo glad I did...because when I react out of emotion, nothing good ever comes from it... Me and my exah either get into a heated argument...or I cave and become a doormat to his addiction...both of which are unacceptable to me now. So give it some time...I have twins daughters with my exah, and it's a difficult balance to manage...I know they need time with their father, but the less time I spend in contact with him...the better off I am!!! It can be trying to manage both! I wish you the best!!!!

texrican

Thanks for the words of encouragement!!!

If only I could get up and leave the State!!! but my fam is here and I don't want to leave them...

LittleGirl: that's exactly what I did this morning!!! well, kinda. I drew up a new txt with no recipient and saved it as a draft... It seemed really odd at the time but it helped get through that moment. I also typed up a letter telling him how i feel but he will never receive it

Kindeyes

Hey there
Welcome to SR. I'm glad you were able to get that off your chest. Best to get it out there.....holding it in can only become toxic. I'm sorry you are dealing with this--particularly with three children. You have a lot on your plate. I hope that you'll continue to find release in getting your story out here in a forum that understands your pain, confusion, anxiety, and all of the other stuff that loving an addict brings.

gentle hugs

Spiritual Seeker

Figuring out who you are w/o him will take time, especially raising three children alone.
But you will put the pieces of your life back-together as you have done before.
The sunlight will come in again...continue to strong.

Spiritual Seeker

Figuring out who you are w/o him will take time, especially raising three children alone.
But you will put the pieces of your life back-together as you have done before.
The sunlight will come in again...continue to strong.