tormentedmirror

I know I still have 3 weeks to go, and I know that a lot will happen in 3 weeks. What I'm wondering is, who will be coming home. How different will she be? What changes can I expect (from your experiences, I know everyone is different).

Over the last couple of years, she has become a permanent fixture on the sofa, when she hasn't been at work or out partying. I don't want her to come home and become part of the sofa again. Will she have a new outlook? A better appreciation? Will she grow up a little bit, be more responsible, more conscientous?

What did you experience when your addict came home from rehab?

liesagain

tormentedmirror

I wanted to ask, are you going to the family meetings at the rehab?

but for your question---
I guess it can be different for everyone so its difficult to say
my husband has actually been to rehab a few times -- thats why people here tell you its not a magic cure its only a beginning but it is a good beginning

the first time or two, when he came home I saw that he was spending more time reading his books ( the big book and such) and he went to meetings frequently, got a sponsor and did step work, he also made phonecalls to guys in recovery

the last time he made more personality/character changes, for instance he rarely swears, he says hes sorry when he's wrong -- things like that Hes not perfect ( but neither am I )

My husband is a crack addict, he had 10 years clean and relapsed. It took about 4 years after that for him to finally make it to over a year clean. He would go to rehab, go to outpatient, aa and na, therapy you name it he did it but he couldnt seem to get his addiction back under control. During --the 4 years he would use, then stay clean anywhere from 30 days to 6 months but he didnt get past the 6 months for a really long time. his replases happened in his Personality weeks before he actually went out to use the drug~~~and then he would use
( with crack relapses its easier to tell I guess) (unlike with pills and such)
with crack and with my husband
he would disappear for 24 hours or maybe 48 hours his phone would be turned off money gone out of bank and I would know, then he would call and it was off to treatment
what a horrible way to live

After the first time in rehab I would actually say I GOT worse always looking and watching always on guard looking for signs that he was "doing well" or getting ready fro a relapse it made me crazy, over time and the help of the people here on SR I have learned that I can watch and worry and be on guard all I want but it will not stop my husband from using so today when I see things that make me question his recovery I try very hard to focus on mine

I do approach him with my feelings and concerns, if hes receptive then we talk thru it and if hes not all I can do is focus on me. From past experience I know today that if hes defensive or not receptive then something is wrong but today I also know that even when something is wrong theres nothing I can do except focus on me and work on detachment and leave him to his own recovery so far (this time) that is working for both of us.

Sorry so long, I hope this help some
(((((((((Hugs))))))

tormentedmirror

Yes, we are going to the family meetings. The first one was not really helpful. They mostly covered character flaws, different types of personalities, and stuff like that. It wasn't really a "group discussion" thing, and I have no idea what I should expect at the family meetings. Our second family meeting is tomorrow night.

Thanks for sharing your experiences with me.

It wasn't too long, it was informative.

sojourner

Is there some reason she has to come home and not go to a sober living house? How old is your daughter?

The reason i'm asking is because many on here have said that we (and our home) are not the best option for our addicts. You know, those are questions you could bring up with the counselor there. Your daughter will probably have discharge planning papers drawn up, and the issue of where she will be living afterward could be part of that discussion. I believe in order to talk with the counselor, your daughter would have to sign papers giving permission for that. Maybe later on in her stay there, you will be invited to be part of a private session with your daughter and the counselor.

Your worries are valid. I think the best place for answers lies in the rehab facility your daughter is at.

Hope that helps.

tormentedmirror

It does help. I'm not aware of a sober living house in our area, but then I wouldn't know one if I saw it. If a sober living facility is recommended, then obviously if it's the best thing, then that's what we'll do. Our daughter has signed papers for us to talk with her counselor, and we do correspond. I'm just completely new to all of this, so I do have a lot of questions.

liesagain

If your daughter sign the okay for you to talk to them then they should be willing to answer your questions

The rehab should be able to discuss discharge plans with you and they also know about sober living places

I understand having questions and wanting to know what to expect I remember how unsure of everything I felt when my husband was in rehab. Maybe you can set up an session with the
rehab therapist to talk about your concerns

hang in there

tormentedmirror

I try not to bother her counselor too much. I'd rather she concentrate on my daughter than on me. I'm sure all of my questions will be answered in due course, but I was interested in others experiences, and what differences they noticed in their addict, whether it was immediately after rehab, or after a sober living house, or after the addict returned to their own home...I guess I should have worded it in such a way, but since I'm new to this, you'll all just have to forgive me.

suki44883

When I came back, I was feeling pretty vulnerable. I learned a lot, but at the same time, while I was away, I was protected and didn't have to deal with anything except learning and getting better. Of course, I am older and didn't live with my parents, so she may not be as nervous as I was. Just take things a day at a time and let her get used to being back, but don't let her become a couch potato. Does she still have her job to return to? I started back part-time for a couple of weeks, just to get my sealegs back.

tormentedmirror

She does still have a job to return to, and returning part time for a bit might be something for her to consider, especially since her job can be very stressful at times.

I just found a local sober living facility, very close to home. It wouldn't be a problem at all getting her to and from work. Of course, she may prefer public transportation at that point. I have no way of knowing how she might be thinking when that time comes.

sojourner

Tormented: You are tormented on this aren't you ?

I do not know the age of your daughter. I'm assuming she's over 18. These are her problems to address. You can't pick out her clothes for her any more, and you cannot pick out the details of her recovery. Please give her the opportunity to find solutions here.

I know you're very anxious right now, but please don't translate that into solving problems for your daughter because you may be robbing her of the ability to get stronger. This is like the catepillar (sp) that has to get itself out of the cocoon on its own in order to survive as a butterfly.

((hugs)) keep coming back !!

tormentedmirror

I haven't picked out her clothes for her in a long time, even though there are times I wish I could. I don't know how you translate anticipated changes into trying to solve her problems for her. I understand that they are her problems. That doesn't make me any less apprehensive.

You folks are really great, but sometimes you read a little too much into my posts.

Live

What would help you to be less apprehensive?

tormentedmirror

She'll be returning to understanding and loving parents. Parents who are learning the ropes, just as she is. I don't know how much different we will be. We pretty much stepped back years ago and allowed her to take her lumps. I'm sure we'll be able to step back some more, but I'm not sure there's a lot more "detaching" that we will be able to do. She has been her own person for a long time.

Yes, she does live at home, but it's more for not being able to afford to live on her own than anything else. She did have an apartment with a friend a while back that didn't go well at all. The room mate didn't pay her share on time, didn't buy groceries, but ate what my daughter bought (at one point our daughter even resorted to buying a small fridge that she kept locked in her room). They both had pets and the room mate wouldn't pay her share of the pet deposit. Room mate would steal toilet paper from her....the list goes on and on.

Until she proves that she cannot be trusted or is a dangerous person to be around, or starts stealing from us, we see no reason to turn her out of our home.

tormentedmirror

Being aware. Just knowing some of the differences others experienced.

sojourner

Tormented:

I'm sorry if my post sounded hard. What i'm trying to say here is that your worrying and pondering these problems on your daughter's behalf could be causing you much distress - and this time while your daughter is in rehab is a great window for you to relax and know that she is safe, has somewhere to sleep, and is getting good food.

I did the same thing while my son was in jail in a boot-camp type situation. I realize now that I assumed he had bottomed out on his substance using in spite of the fact that he never indicated to me that he was done with the life. Oh, he was saying some things like "I realize that my drinking/drugging caused me to do things that were wrong." I took that way to far and thought it meant he was totally done. But what he meant was that he intended to cut back on his drinking/drugging. While he was gone that 3 months, I spent that entire time assuming he would come home and start the process of getting his life back together. Because of my wrong assumptions, i missed an opportunity to hold him accountable immediately after he got out. Instead, I allowed him to come back home where he immediately got back into the old lifestyle including staying out all night, losing a good job after only one month, getting tickets, etc.

Again, please forgive me if my post did not help.

Sojourner

keepinon

my kiddo was alot like sojourners..she chose to got to rehab, worked very hard on herself with the therapists, but thought pot and alcohol would be ok. She went back to heroin w/in 6 weeks. It just depends on whether or not they are "done". I think she hit what they call a psuedo bottom. it is different for everyone, but sometimes the first rehab doesn't "stick". It does however, teach them about recovery and where they can go to get help when they are wanting to work a program. I look at the time she spent there as valuable seed-planting time..she just wasn't ready to row her hoe yet.

tormentedmirror

Today is a good day.

I didn't think our daughter had a drinking problem as well as the drugs, but she has asked us if we'd mind removing the alchohol from the house. For the most part, this is not a problem. Most of what we have sits there and collects dust anyway. My husband likes scotches, so we'll just lock that up. I like a beer after work occassionally, which would be in the fridge, and we have a decent collection of wines. I don't mind making changes to help her succeed, but would very much like some input from the more experienced crowd. I've spoken with one person at work who is a recovering alcholic, and he suggested that we shouldn't need to remove things from our home to accomodate her.

wicked

TM,

I am a recovering alcoholic, and my daughter will be coming home from rehab tomorrow.
There is obviously no alcohol in my house, nor will it be allowed ever.
But, I think since your daughter asked, and she is newly recovered it might be a good idea until she gets more sober time. The addicted mind is powerful, when you (meaning I) think, well, i made it this far, what is one drink gonna hurt?
that one drink, leads to that feeling that it is okay to go back to the DOC.
my ex husband is a crack addict, he would say "one six pack wont hurt anything, i work hard, i deserve it!"
next, a bottle of E&J brandy, then all inhibitions are gone and he is downtown at the crack dealers house using the rest of his paycheck to get high.
the addicted mind is powerful, we can convince ourselves it is okay to destroy our lives and our families lives so we can be high.
of course, i am assuming you are clear with her about any mind altering substances, she is not allowed to use any of them. none.

i hope i explained the addicts side a little. just keep the temptation out of the house for now. especially since she asked, that is mighty powerful to me.
as for the recovered alcoholic at work, well, we all have opinions, and i wonder if he has children at home who are addicted?

beth

tormentedmirror

Thank you very much.

tormentedmirror

I don't know much about his personal life, and only accidentally discovered that he's a recovering alcholic (2 or 3 yrs). I said something one day and he mentioned that he was a recovering alchoholic. We speak briefly in passing, and he asks about her.