Group for Parents?
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: The Burgh
Posts: 1,991
This is purely a hypothetical situation …
There is a young addicted man in his mid twenties, with loving parents who have spent their lives giving him opportunity and every chance for success. However, in return his addiction has caused him to turn their world upside down, forcing them to face that fact that everything they thought was love and compassion, can down help to destroy the very life that you promised to protect. He’s an adult now, and you are not allowed. "Turn him out!" they say. "He shouldn’t need you anymore". But in reality, the young man you see needs someone or something more now than ever. "Protect yourself and leave him be."
There is a young addicted man in his mid twenties, with a loving wife and two young kids who adore him. He and his wife have promised to spend their lives protecting the children and giving them every opportunity life has to offer. But his addiction has turned their home upside down, forcing the wife to face the fact that everything she thought was love and compassion, can now help to destroy the man she loves, and cause hurt to the little ones she promised to protect. "Turn him out!" they say, "Protect yourself and the children and leave him be!"
The man is one and the same.
The man may by my child, your spouse, brother or sister.
Protect the children…when does that switch turn off?
Send him packing…how does a wife with no resources of her own, children to protect, and who is left with the responsibility of not hurting the children in the process wrap her mind and heart around that?
None of it is easy. Addiction sidesteps all laws of common sense. And deep, deep down many of us pray that the other will help, just a little, and make the difference between a life lost and a chance gained. We share more similarities than differences.
So we walk together, learn from each other and eventually believe that the light we see on the horizon is not in fact a freight train
There is a young addicted man in his mid twenties, with loving parents who have spent their lives giving him opportunity and every chance for success. However, in return his addiction has caused him to turn their world upside down, forcing them to face that fact that everything they thought was love and compassion, can down help to destroy the very life that you promised to protect. He’s an adult now, and you are not allowed. "Turn him out!" they say. "He shouldn’t need you anymore". But in reality, the young man you see needs someone or something more now than ever. "Protect yourself and leave him be."
There is a young addicted man in his mid twenties, with a loving wife and two young kids who adore him. He and his wife have promised to spend their lives protecting the children and giving them every opportunity life has to offer. But his addiction has turned their home upside down, forcing the wife to face the fact that everything she thought was love and compassion, can now help to destroy the man she loves, and cause hurt to the little ones she promised to protect. "Turn him out!" they say, "Protect yourself and the children and leave him be!"
The man is one and the same.
The man may by my child, your spouse, brother or sister.
Protect the children…when does that switch turn off?
Send him packing…how does a wife with no resources of her own, children to protect, and who is left with the responsibility of not hurting the children in the process wrap her mind and heart around that?
None of it is easy. Addiction sidesteps all laws of common sense. And deep, deep down many of us pray that the other will help, just a little, and make the difference between a life lost and a chance gained. We share more similarities than differences.
So we walk together, learn from each other and eventually believe that the light we see on the horizon is not in fact a freight train
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Home of the Ravens-MD
Posts: 1,316
I personally have gotten wisdom and encouragement from each & every thread. We may each feel that our own situation is unique, different, more painful.......IMHO....the disease of addiction does not discriminate and neither should we. IMHO our pain is exactly the same.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Southwestern, Pennsylvania
Posts: 210
I don't think Keepinon meant the suggestion for a Parent board to mean that any of us parents think that our pain is any worse than anyone else who is dealing with an addicted loved one; just that perhaps the way parents deal with living with and loving an addict is naturally different than an spouse, etc. Of course it has to be different just because of the dynamics of different relationships.
I know even if there were a Parent support board, I would still also come here and to the other forums that I read now. I have grown sooo much from Everyone's support and I have learned soooo much from other mom's, dad's, spouses, sisters, brothers etc., but I am naturally drawn to the parents of addicts...as I am one myself ;
I think this turned into a 'whose pain is worse' debate and I really didn't take her suggestion that way at all...just saying
I know even if there were a Parent support board, I would still also come here and to the other forums that I read now. I have grown sooo much from Everyone's support and I have learned soooo much from other mom's, dad's, spouses, sisters, brothers etc., but I am naturally drawn to the parents of addicts...as I am one myself ;
I think this turned into a 'whose pain is worse' debate and I really didn't take her suggestion that way at all...just saying
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
Originally Posted by Hurtbad2505 
Of course it has to be different just because of the dynamics of different relationships.
Having said that, I surf almost all the other forums here, some more than others. There are wonderful nuggets of wisdom to be found everywhere
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
As we all know, there are many different branches here, of the same tree. Each branch has something very special about it, in my opinion. I have read as many archived posts as I have had time to, and visit all branches as I can. I dont have much to offer yet in the way of advice. I am taking right now, but like to offer thanks for helpful posts, and welcome hurting newbies, with encouragement that this is a great place to get help.
As a parent who's struggling with issues with AS, I grab onto any post that addresses my particular situation. I am usually found on family and friends. When I read a post by a parent, it often gives me strength. I need it so badly. I am hurting, my son is hurting, and time is of the essence-can't allow more enabling , for it is hurting him and me too. I guess that is why I would find a parents "branch" such a great thing. I would not have to search so hard, to find some help from another in my situation.
Change is good, growth is good. All could be welcome there, in a parents forum. Frankly, I need much of what I find in all forums here. It has made me look at each person I meet in a whole new way. You never know if that grumpy woman at the grocery is heartbroken over her addicted husband, if the children are sad. If the young man who comes in to buy a flower is trying to say he is sorry for his behavior that he is struggling with. Whether an older person is drinking their life away, and does any one care. I just cannot believe how many people struggle daily, and I am glad that I found this site. It has taken blinders off of my heart and tho I cant fix anyone, I can care and be more aware.
I am happy with this site the way it is, but to be able to quickly find another person in your own shoes would be very helpful sometimes.
The other night, I had a home situation, which had me in tears, and so upset. I could only find a chat where there were recovering alcoholics. they were the perfect people to talk to, it seems, for they understood my son, and helped me so much. they knew more than I just what my son was going through. this was priceless to me. They were so compassionate, and didn't see me as a "controlling" parent. they seemed to be so genuinely concerned about me, and about my son. and they gave me numbers to call, and great supportive advice. I was so nervous about going into that chat room, but my HP knew what I needed to hear.
If this site doesn't change , that is ok with me. but I still think a parents "branch" would be very valuable .
As a parent who's struggling with issues with AS, I grab onto any post that addresses my particular situation. I am usually found on family and friends. When I read a post by a parent, it often gives me strength. I need it so badly. I am hurting, my son is hurting, and time is of the essence-can't allow more enabling , for it is hurting him and me too. I guess that is why I would find a parents "branch" such a great thing. I would not have to search so hard, to find some help from another in my situation.
Change is good, growth is good. All could be welcome there, in a parents forum. Frankly, I need much of what I find in all forums here. It has made me look at each person I meet in a whole new way. You never know if that grumpy woman at the grocery is heartbroken over her addicted husband, if the children are sad. If the young man who comes in to buy a flower is trying to say he is sorry for his behavior that he is struggling with. Whether an older person is drinking their life away, and does any one care. I just cannot believe how many people struggle daily, and I am glad that I found this site. It has taken blinders off of my heart and tho I cant fix anyone, I can care and be more aware.
I am happy with this site the way it is, but to be able to quickly find another person in your own shoes would be very helpful sometimes.
The other night, I had a home situation, which had me in tears, and so upset. I could only find a chat where there were recovering alcoholics. they were the perfect people to talk to, it seems, for they understood my son, and helped me so much. they knew more than I just what my son was going through. this was priceless to me. They were so compassionate, and didn't see me as a "controlling" parent. they seemed to be so genuinely concerned about me, and about my son. and they gave me numbers to call, and great supportive advice. I was so nervous about going into that chat room, but my HP knew what I needed to hear.
If this site doesn't change , that is ok with me. but I still think a parents "branch" would be very valuable .
ThatLittleGirl
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Texas
Posts: 273
Leaving my exah was the hardest thing I have done in my life...and it tears my heart out everyday when I put my daughters to sleep at night and they're crying because they miss their daddy and they don't understand what's happening...I cannot reasonably explain to 4 1/2 year olds what's really happening....because I don't know what to tell them...and my worst fear is that my exah will not wake up one morning...and I'll have to explain that to my daughters too... My point is that for everyone involved in the life of an addict, there is pain and fear and emotional turmoil at some level...some of our own making...some of the addict's making... But pain is pain...and it's in the sharing here on SR that we all get to release some of that pain...and commisserate together...and seek guidance and wisdom and understanding from a group of people who 'get it' in a world where most people don't. Maybe someone's not in my exact situation...but it doesn't have to be to understand someone's hurting and just needs encouragement and a hug...That's what this forum is for me...a group of wonderful who push you forward...and who encourage you to take that next step... And in the end, that's what matters...that's what's important...!!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2010
Location: central coast, ca
Posts: 1,652
This is absoulutely NOT what I expected to happen. I thought 5 or 6 moms might want to get a sub-group going like the one they have on another large recovery site. My intention was NEVER to block anyone out. I saw there were MANY other subgroups (ACOA being one of them). I do not begrudge anyone their group, if I am interested I can go on, if not, I don't have to. I'm not trying to get in a pissing contest with spouses of addicts, but it IS different. Yes, we all suffer. But if children of alcoholics want to have a subgroup due to their common experiences, I do not see why parents couldn't. We all suffer, but we have things in common with those in our specific situation. I ,too, get alot out of the other forums and would not stop going on them even if there was a parent forum. I'm sad that of all the posts I have ever written, this one is the one I got such passionate(some downright vicious) responses about because its really not a big deal to me at all..I was just throwing it out there.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Keepinon, I don't think anyone here has meant to offend anyone else. As a matter of fact, I think it is good to share our views on how we see recovery from whatever eyes we are looking through.
As I said earlier, the idea is not without merit, but the feasibility of doing it here is difficult.
Yes, we have ACOA and Bikers In Recovery and other specific issue forums. But many were requested and began when this site was in its early days.
Today we are blessed to have many share here on SR from every walk of life, from every corner of the earth and it makes us stronger to have the diversity we have. But we cannot keep adding forums for each group, as much as we might like to.
I think the best suggestions I have heard is to have a Parents thread (I think there is one running here now) or several threads specific to parents' issues...just as we could have threads specific to spousal issues, or children's issues, or siblings issues.
I am a parent and take no offense at posts from spouses, nor do I feel that there is any comparison of pain. If it hurts, it doesn't matter who you are, we are here to support anyone reaching out.
I'm sorry you feel this thread is hurtful. I think it is good to share our views here and work with each other to keep this site a safe and welcome place for everyone, including you and me.
Hugs
As I said earlier, the idea is not without merit, but the feasibility of doing it here is difficult.
Yes, we have ACOA and Bikers In Recovery and other specific issue forums. But many were requested and began when this site was in its early days.
Today we are blessed to have many share here on SR from every walk of life, from every corner of the earth and it makes us stronger to have the diversity we have. But we cannot keep adding forums for each group, as much as we might like to.
I think the best suggestions I have heard is to have a Parents thread (I think there is one running here now) or several threads specific to parents' issues...just as we could have threads specific to spousal issues, or children's issues, or siblings issues.
I am a parent and take no offense at posts from spouses, nor do I feel that there is any comparison of pain. If it hurts, it doesn't matter who you are, we are here to support anyone reaching out.
I'm sorry you feel this thread is hurtful. I think it is good to share our views here and work with each other to keep this site a safe and welcome place for everyone, including you and me.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,064
As an addict I get a great deal out of this forum, it helps me learn how to have better boundaries with my non addicted family. It helps me learn just how I hurt them and what things they fear. It helps me in so many ways. I don't post much on this forum but I do read it daily.
I would hate to have the substance abuse forum divided into crack addicts, opiate addicts, meth addicts. An addict can help others of other types of chemicals. I go to AA meetings heck I am not an alcoholic but I get something from the message.
I also don't think it's a great idea to divide people; support and esh is what I want and need from anyone even an non addict even a person that has no experience whatsoever with being remotely related to addiction. I also finally think it is wise to join a site, and enjoy a site and not request the site changes to meet my needs but ask what can I do to help others especially on SR. This forum is terrific.
I would hate to have the substance abuse forum divided into crack addicts, opiate addicts, meth addicts. An addict can help others of other types of chemicals. I go to AA meetings heck I am not an alcoholic but I get something from the message.
I also don't think it's a great idea to divide people; support and esh is what I want and need from anyone even an non addict even a person that has no experience whatsoever with being remotely related to addiction. I also finally think it is wise to join a site, and enjoy a site and not request the site changes to meet my needs but ask what can I do to help others especially on SR. This forum is terrific.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Home of the Ravens-MD
Posts: 1,316
keepinon, I trully hope you did not take my response as a vicious response. It was not meant that way at all. You see, I AM a parent of an addict and I do tend to feel closer to other parents in this situation.
Chris
Chris
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
