Hope44

Not sure I am posting this question in the best place (if not can it be moved please?) I'm very much wondering what words besides "Okay, you can move back home" or "Here's some money for you" does an addict long to hear. Not NEED to hear. LONG to hear... in the depths of their pain and loneliness.

Freedom1990

I'm not sure why you are asking this question, but I will give it my best shot for an answer.

When I was spiraling downwards in my addictions, I can't think of a single thing I longed to hear. I was basically cut off from the neck down, medicating any emotions that I might have.

There's nothing anyone could have said to get through to me.

outtolunch

When my daughter ( same age as your own)was active in her heroin addiction, she heard nothing. Getting money for dope was the only thing that mattered to her.

Like you, I searched for something I could say that would make a difference.

If our words could compel a change, none of us would be here.

I really don't know what compelled her getting off the stuff. Getting out of her way, no car, no job, not knowing where or when she would sleep next, what she had to do to get money and that her dope buds were dying or going to prison and she was cut off from sources may have been contributing factors.

I really don't know. She is clean and sober today. Tomorrow will take care of itself.

vaya

I think it helps to let them know you love them, to acknowledge the good qualities they have, underneath the addict that masks those qualities. It seems in the case of my AS that he feels so bad about himself and is so convinced no one cares about him, especially the rest of the family that has shut him out, (even when that's the addict part of him making him want to use), that those words may somehow help him realize he is worthwhile and is loved.

vaya

May I also suggest you read Cynical One's post, on 8/10/10 , in this forum, called 'An Open Letter to my parents'. I'm not sure if this is what your looking for but I think it is deep down what the addict really wants.

KariSue

I think I understand the question. Maybe things like "Here are the keys to my car. Use it as long as you need it." "You were awarded $10,000 in the will. Just sign here."

Answering the question makes me sad though. I'm wondering why you are asking it.

I put the will one in there because I know of an alcoholic that got a huge inheritance and drank it all away. It lasted him for years.

Kari

KariSue

I would like to read that but can't find it. What folder/section is it in?

Thanks, Kari

cece1960

Here you are KariSue

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...my-family.html

tam

I tried the I love you, your a good person, everyone loves you in the family, even our dogs miss and love you, you can get your job back if you get help..NOTHING worked, so I realized that no matter what I said or did he would still use. It came to the point that everything I did or said was all twisted by him. I dont think he remembers the kind or nice conversations but I bet ya that any conversation regarding finances he remembers them to a tee. so I had no choice but go with no contact. sometimes I think that he cant handle the fact that I haved given in and have taken care of things all by myself and have changed,or maybe Im wrong and they really really dont care about anything except their drug.

Sunshine2

I know you will have the strength to overcome this when you are ready??

Hope44

I had no idea the question would cause the confusion it did, and now *I* am kinda confused! LOL First off, this isn't about me finding the right words to affect a change. If that were possible, I'm well-equipped with words of my own and wouldn't be posting on here, looking for ideas. :-) I do realize that SHE is the one who must allow change to happen, and who must also work at it, moment by moment. And until she makes recovery her sole, overriding, preoccupation in life, change is impossible, where it really matters.

My daughter is not the type of addict who is cut off, from the neck down. She is a prisoner within herself, where no word, no loving act of mercy or grace, can penetrate to free her. But behind the wall of her prison, where I cannot see, IS a beating heart. It feels, and remembers the life she once knew. And I believe that heart is longing for help. For a rescue.

I used to be able to see her old self coming out in this way. The fear and pleading in her eyes. I do not see this so much anymore, or not for a long time. I guess at the heart of my question is another question... how deep within themselves can an addict fall? And when we no longer see the daughter we once knew (or the son) - what IS it, that they might be trying to say to us and longing for us to say to them. And would it really matter if we did....

To answer my own question, I think yes, it does matter. It matters to say things like I love you. At the first sight or sound of your recovery, I am here to support you. Your true worth and my approval are not contingent on what you do but who you are. Stuff like that. Yeah, it does seem as if much of what an addict hears is lost. But maybe it is just buried, and lying dormant, until months or years later we see the light and encouragement and love we have shown, really meant something after all.

As long as she's alive I will not give up on her.

keepinon

I told my AD "i have lots of hope for you" Got a hope tatoo on my wrist to remind me everyday..that meant something to her. I think I love you and I have faith you can find recovery are a couple of things I have said that seem to emotionally connect to her.

YouWillBe

THANK YOU SO MUCH for this. (This is my first post and I'm extremely raw and lost...learning the depth and breadth of our 27yo daughter's addiction and the crises that come with it.)

I feel the same way - that she's IN there and wanting out, but can't find the fortitude to make the change. I know it's possible - people recover every day. But in my Mommy-heart I feel there must be something she's needing that we can give, but I just don't know what that is and she can't figure out how to make it known.

I'm sure the Veterans here realize my words are naive and I hope in time I can learn to be more detached and see our new world without the rose-colored glasses. But right now I'm still filled with the desperate hope and sudden grief of knowing she's on a collision course with potential deadly consequences.

wicked

I am truly sorry for your need to be here, but glad you found this place.
Many others have been where you are, and some are there now.
You will find strength experience and hope here.

Beth

suki44883

Hope, your daughter is not doing this to you. Nothing you have done caused her to make the bad choices she has made to land her in jail. As much as you want to make things better for her, you can't do it. She is the only one who can make the necessary changes.

No one expects you to "give up on her." She is your daughter and you love her very much, just as we all love our children. But you must understand that nothing you say is going to be the thing that makes her want to change. That all has to come from within her. Of course you should let her know that you love her and that you are willing to be supportive of her efforts to change. Before you can be supportive though, she must make the changes.

Letting go is not giving up on her and it in no way means that you don't love her. Letting go is allowing her to make her own mistakes and face the consequences of those mistakes. That is how we learn.

Angelic17

I didn't read any of the prior responses to your post, but the words I wanted to hear when I was an addict were, I will give you a never ending, unlimited supply of the drug of your choice. That's it. Now if your talking about an addict who is already in early stages of recovery and trying to get well I would think the words would be something like this. I Love You, I am here for you, You can do this, I am still proud of you. You are stronger than you think, and I'm so sorry that your going through this, If I could take your pain, I would. Thanks for this thread Hope. Because addict or no addict, everyone needs love and encouragement, especially in troubled and painful times. Love can not cure addiction. And it can't get our addict clean. But it is the best thing for sorrow and pain.

dollydo

Of all the posts on this site, the ones that tear me apart as those of a parent, one who has a child in the depths of addiction.

What to say? Really, I have no clue. I do think that as actions speak for the addict so do they speak for we codependants. We tend to say all kinds of things we are not going to follow through on, just as the addict does!

coffeedrinker

i wonder what kinds of responses you would receive if you posted on the substance abuser's forum. i know there are some in substance abuse recovery over here, but maybe a wider net.

all i hear in your question is anguish. i am so sorry you're in such pain.

Kindeyes

This brought tears to my eyes. I'm with you. I will never give up on hope. As long as I am breathing and my AS is breathing, I will have hope. And that's ok. I just need to remember that I can't associate time with my hope.

As far as words that they long to hear.....I think they do need to hear the words "I love you" and know that support is there when or if they ever decide to find recovery. The hard part in all of this is keeping that hope alive but maintaining the boundaries that keep us healthy mentally and physically.

gentle hugs

Sunshine2

What I would like to know from ex-addicts, what thought eventually entered your mind that made you want to change? I know many people say you have to hit rock-bottom. But does rock-bottom come with a thought like "enough" "I can't do this anymore" or what? Is it a sudden insight or is it a series of small insights that culminates in you getting the resolve to fight it?

I also cannot see my son in there anymore. He is buried so deep that I don't know where he is. I cannot see how any thought of stopping can penetrate the coldness. It would help so much if I could just understand a bit more of what was the moment that you turned around.