"Work the program you wish they would"
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
"Work the program you wish they would"
It's been mentioned a few times lately and someone (that's been around a little while) said they'd never heard it. So I figured I'd start a thread on it.
I thought about it again earlier today when my daughter was headed out the door. I don't know exactly what program she's working, get the impression she's combining a few, but she's working something and it shows.
I'm working my own program, it's a few things combined, and it shows too. Like any normal household we all feed off each others vibe. Sometimes we take it a step further and personalize it. Well, that last sentence already started to change, because two of us are working some kind of recovery. The third person, my husband, is also benefiting from it by osmosis
It's like time has slowed down for us, done a reversal, something. A few weeks ago someone here posted about (in)appropriate reaction vs response. That really hits the nail on the head for me. In my home we've been revisiting unresolved issues. They always seem to come back until there is some kind of resolution, by someone(s).
But this time it's different. We are resolving them using the tools we've learned in our separate recoveries. We're not only changing our individual lives, we're completely changing the dynamics of our family. We're interacting in healthier ways than we ever did because we all want that.
I started working the program I wished she would two years ago and now I'm seeing the fruits of my labor. It's no lie it's a process and an ongoing one. There are no shortcuts for me, there can't be, because I'm the common denominator in all my dysfunctional relationships.
What does it mean for you?
I thought about it again earlier today when my daughter was headed out the door. I don't know exactly what program she's working, get the impression she's combining a few, but she's working something and it shows.
I'm working my own program, it's a few things combined, and it shows too. Like any normal household we all feed off each others vibe. Sometimes we take it a step further and personalize it. Well, that last sentence already started to change, because two of us are working some kind of recovery. The third person, my husband, is also benefiting from it by osmosis
It's like time has slowed down for us, done a reversal, something. A few weeks ago someone here posted about (in)appropriate reaction vs response. That really hits the nail on the head for me. In my home we've been revisiting unresolved issues. They always seem to come back until there is some kind of resolution, by someone(s).
But this time it's different. We are resolving them using the tools we've learned in our separate recoveries. We're not only changing our individual lives, we're completely changing the dynamics of our family. We're interacting in healthier ways than we ever did because we all want that.
I started working the program I wished she would two years ago and now I'm seeing the fruits of my labor. It's no lie it's a process and an ongoing one. There are no shortcuts for me, there can't be, because I'm the common denominator in all my dysfunctional relationships.
What does it mean for you?
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
Thnxs Chino
When I started my recovery - my then AH had over 6 months recovery and was working a program that I was ENVIOUS of!!
HE had something I WANTED and I was willing to open my mind and heart to try to find it.
Almost 7 yrs later - we are divorced and he's not be able to keep that program of recovery in his life - BUT I will be forever grateful to him because he did show me there was a choice of a different way and I wanted to work it for me.
I'm better, happier and Free because I work on my recovery - I Let Go and Let God on that life and also on our daughter -
Saturday our daughter achieved one year clean and sober.
Partly because I wasn't focused on her - I was busy trying to work on me, which allowed her HP to help her.
Be the message!!!!
We can live Happy, Joyous and Free - regardless!!
HUGS
When I started my recovery - my then AH had over 6 months recovery and was working a program that I was ENVIOUS of!!
HE had something I WANTED and I was willing to open my mind and heart to try to find it.
Almost 7 yrs later - we are divorced and he's not be able to keep that program of recovery in his life - BUT I will be forever grateful to him because he did show me there was a choice of a different way and I wanted to work it for me.
I'm better, happier and Free because I work on my recovery - I Let Go and Let God on that life and also on our daughter -
Saturday our daughter achieved one year clean and sober.
Partly because I wasn't focused on her - I was busy trying to work on me, which allowed her HP to help her.
Be the message!!!!
We can live Happy, Joyous and Free - regardless!!
HUGS
On a tear
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Volcano Country!
Posts: 3,221
It was my sponsor who pointed it out to me. I was crabbing and complaining about my kid not doing this and this and THIS! (like she SHOULD). Sponsor quietly put her arm around me and asked, "How many of those things are YOU doing?"
To be honest, I initially started doing some stuff so others would think I was doing recovery "right" (need to appear perfect, eh?!) Then it lead to me working a program because I was getting something out of it.
You're right, it is a subtle thing, recovery. And the benefits are so big and so hard to adequately describe. But if others are in pain, I think going to some meetings is a good way to lessen that pain. It worked for me, anyway.
((hugs))
To be honest, I initially started doing some stuff so others would think I was doing recovery "right" (need to appear perfect, eh?!) Then it lead to me working a program because I was getting something out of it.
You're right, it is a subtle thing, recovery. And the benefits are so big and so hard to adequately describe. But if others are in pain, I think going to some meetings is a good way to lessen that pain. It worked for me, anyway.
((hugs))
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
I LOVED when I read this in my thread!! It is ssooo flippin easy to point the finger of accusation at someone else who isn't doing this, that, the other thing, and that down-the-road thing too.
I do a little community theatre. I worked on Sound of Music last year (ha! I got to be Elsa the snooty baroness) and the man playing Captain, I had not met prior. When we all went out after opening night, "Captain" discovered I was in al-anon. At the end of the performances, he wrote me a little thank you note, in it he said "I was not surprised to find that you, too, are in the program. You have a serenity about you that shines through."
So..... this isn't about me, it's about us sort of witnessing without words. I don't really know if what that guy said is true, but he said it, and it makes me think he must have felt it. The best way we can give a testimonial to our program, is by living it.
Now let's hear it for M.J!!
"I'm Starting With The Man In
The Mirror
I'm Asking Him To Change
His Ways
And No Message Could Have
Been Any Clearer
If You Wanna Make The World
A Better Place
Take A Look At Yourself, And
Then Make A Change"
I do a little community theatre. I worked on Sound of Music last year (ha! I got to be Elsa the snooty baroness) and the man playing Captain, I had not met prior. When we all went out after opening night, "Captain" discovered I was in al-anon. At the end of the performances, he wrote me a little thank you note, in it he said "I was not surprised to find that you, too, are in the program. You have a serenity about you that shines through."
So..... this isn't about me, it's about us sort of witnessing without words. I don't really know if what that guy said is true, but he said it, and it makes me think he must have felt it. The best way we can give a testimonial to our program, is by living it.
Now let's hear it for M.J!!
"I'm Starting With The Man In
The Mirror
I'm Asking Him To Change
His Ways
And No Message Could Have
Been Any Clearer
If You Wanna Make The World
A Better Place
Take A Look At Yourself, And
Then Make A Change"
Member
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Florida
Posts: 220
he needed to stop using, he needed to treat me better, he needed to do this, he needed to do that. And, I was doing what? Snooping, controlling, playing detective, playing the oh so injured martyr, allowing myself to be treated badly, compromising my values, sitting on my pity pot, being the perfect little hypocrite.
Okay, okay! I confess! Uncle!
I didn't think there could be anything good to come out of addiction, but I found that my life has changed for the better in a thousand ways. All it took was him becoming addicted, and me finding a program.....and a WHOLE lot of work! I can't imagine how else I might have gotten to this place in my life and in my spirit.
It was here, and in my F2F meetings that I learned I didn't need to be a victim. It was here that I found the empowerment to make decisions that made my life more sane and stable. It was here that I learned that happiness was a choice.
It was also here that I found out that only he could make those same choices for his life.
Babs
Okay, okay! I confess! Uncle!
I didn't think there could be anything good to come out of addiction, but I found that my life has changed for the better in a thousand ways. All it took was him becoming addicted, and me finding a program.....and a WHOLE lot of work! I can't imagine how else I might have gotten to this place in my life and in my spirit.
It was here, and in my F2F meetings that I learned I didn't need to be a victim. It was here that I found the empowerment to make decisions that made my life more sane and stable. It was here that I learned that happiness was a choice.
It was also here that I found out that only he could make those same choices for his life.
Babs
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
This has been one of the strongest lessons of recovery for me - from both addiction and my sick, codependent relationship. I have to be willing to change first. How can I expect others to change, when I'm not even willing to change either. Of course, I also have to respect that others may not WANT to change, and allow them the dignity of their choices. I must be willing to walk away.
I have often struggled with others or criticizing others behavior, when I am no better. I have to hold the mirror up to myself everyday. I cannot ask someone to be something or do something I am not willing to do myself.
It's kind of like "people who live in glass houses should not throw bricks."
And it's a little biblical to me too:
Why do you see the speck in your neighbor's eye, but do not notice the log in your own eye? How can you say to your neighbor, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye,' while the log is in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your neighbor's eye.
I have often struggled with others or criticizing others behavior, when I am no better. I have to hold the mirror up to myself everyday. I cannot ask someone to be something or do something I am not willing to do myself.
It's kind of like "people who live in glass houses should not throw bricks."
And it's a little biblical to me too:
Why do you see the speck in your neighbor's eye, but do not notice the log in your own eye? How can you say to your neighbor, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye,' while the log is in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your neighbor's eye.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2008
Posts: 325
Can I respectfully disagree? To a certain degree?
This is a disease that makes the whole family sick. Were we really so sick, so bad before? That ole personal moral inventory stuff. I believe that I am better off, for having gone through this experience. Are those around me? Heck, the community? As some of my character defects may have gotten better. I think I have actually just added others. I'm far more selfish. Far less trusting. A caretaker I'm not anymore. What was my basic nature.. has changed.
Maybe it is the world and not just me. But I miss the girl who would never even think twice about leaving her purse out, when friends come over. At my work place. I miss when I would see something on the news and i would be shocked.
I'm a different person, but I can't really say that I am a better person or that the world is better off with me, as I am today.
Jmho.
This is a disease that makes the whole family sick. Were we really so sick, so bad before? That ole personal moral inventory stuff. I believe that I am better off, for having gone through this experience. Are those around me? Heck, the community? As some of my character defects may have gotten better. I think I have actually just added others. I'm far more selfish. Far less trusting. A caretaker I'm not anymore. What was my basic nature.. has changed.
Maybe it is the world and not just me. But I miss the girl who would never even think twice about leaving her purse out, when friends come over. At my work place. I miss when I would see something on the news and i would be shocked.
I'm a different person, but I can't really say that I am a better person or that the world is better off with me, as I am today.
Jmho.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
Originally Posted by hello-kitty 
Why do you see the speck in your neighbor's eye, but do not notice the log in your own eye? How can you say to your neighbor, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye,' while the log is in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your neighbor's eye.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
Originally Posted by StillLearning1
I'm a different person, but I can't really say that I am a better person or that the world is better off with me, as I am today.
How long have you been at this? I wonder if the gifts just haven't yet been revealed to you?
I'm gonna take 15 seconds to list some of the beautiful things I have gained:
1. I say what I mean, and mean what I say
2. I don't rescue my children
3. When I am wrong, I promptly admit it
4. I reach out to others when I feel it is appropriate, the hand of Al-anon
5. I have educated my children about addiction in a way I don't believe I
ever would have before
6. I have taught my children to express their feelings - all of them - rather
than shut down.
7. Addiction is out of the closet in my family/household
8. I know that we all have our crosses to bear. I'm not "better" or "worse"
than my neighbor
9. I have witnessed, and experienced, forgiveness
I spose I could come up with more, but those things are a DIRECT result of my marrying an alcoholic, and being exposed to a new way of thinking, being, living.
Thanks Bill, and Dr. Bob
I guess 15 years.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 76
This post was so helpful for me to read. I have recently realized that i've changed in a lot of ways dealing with my husbands pill addiction, recovery, relapses. Honestly, I have an attitude problem that has lasted an entire year.
I am going to look at what I can do for myself & my own sanity. And pay more attention to what I can do for our marriage.
Thank you! Probably the most helpful info I've ever gotten on SR!
I am going to look at what I can do for myself & my own sanity. And pay more attention to what I can do for our marriage.
Thank you! Probably the most helpful info I've ever gotten on SR!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
Originally Posted by StillLearning1
Maybe it is the world and not just me.
We're born into this world without walls and boundaries, innocent and naive. Our experiences, life itself, shape the ones we form. Without them we are defenseless. My experiences caused me to put up walls out of sheer instinct, because my concept of boundaries was vague. As I've developed and nurtured my boundaries, overall nurtured myself, my walls have begun to come down. I'm able to make better conscious choices now about who I share myself with, the real me.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: my own little world
Posts: 9,071
Stilllearnings post got me to think because, um lets say 6 to 9 months ago, I was definately selfish and untrusting.
Yet as I thought about it, Im still a caretaker and doer for others (when Im not its usually a result of extreme stress) but theres a change. I remember, pre recovery and early in an an addicted marriage I gave, but I always expected something in return, even if extra recognition for me doing it, kinda like from me Hello out there I did this, arent I wonderful... I received a baby gift, well 2 anonymously and I though, strange why give me something I cant thank you for. (It happened to be on my registration list adn the item Id been most worried about getting) it took 5 years to see that the woman truly truly had more happiness in giving than receiving(recently when I gave ESTAH's Sister, who terribly dislikes me) a baby gift by having my son take it I felt a similar happiness and knowing with no strings attached I was giving heartfeltly.
I always said yes when I meant no and then did so begrudgingly(sometimes mumbling under my breath, now I think first and if I agree to something I can only be mad at myself.
Still working on second guessing my thoughts and feelings, forever working on not causing or creating additional chaos.
No longer say things to manipulate (atleast I think I dont) and have taught my children not to worry about what they divulge theres nothing to hide-wow even young that one gets engraved fast in dysfunctional families.
If addiction hadnt came into my life I wouldnt have known I needed to work on these things, I wouldnt have known how messed up I was.
Still have a lot more recovery work to do and hope I continue to grow
Yet as I thought about it, Im still a caretaker and doer for others (when Im not its usually a result of extreme stress) but theres a change. I remember, pre recovery and early in an an addicted marriage I gave, but I always expected something in return, even if extra recognition for me doing it, kinda like from me Hello out there I did this, arent I wonderful... I received a baby gift, well 2 anonymously and I though, strange why give me something I cant thank you for. (It happened to be on my registration list adn the item Id been most worried about getting) it took 5 years to see that the woman truly truly had more happiness in giving than receiving(recently when I gave ESTAH's Sister, who terribly dislikes me) a baby gift by having my son take it I felt a similar happiness and knowing with no strings attached I was giving heartfeltly.
I always said yes when I meant no and then did so begrudgingly(sometimes mumbling under my breath, now I think first and if I agree to something I can only be mad at myself.
Still working on second guessing my thoughts and feelings, forever working on not causing or creating additional chaos.
No longer say things to manipulate (atleast I think I dont) and have taught my children not to worry about what they divulge theres nothing to hide-wow even young that one gets engraved fast in dysfunctional families.
If addiction hadnt came into my life I wouldnt have known I needed to work on these things, I wouldnt have known how messed up I was.
Still have a lot more recovery work to do and hope I continue to grow
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
My RAD and I just got back from a week's visit back 'home'. My nephews were visiting from overseas and we spent time with them, their dad, my mom, and my recovering alcoholic stepmom (RASM and this might be a new acronym ) who's still in the hospital after a month from COPD.
RAD and I were most comfortable in the hospital. It was so relaxed, especially when RASM's sponsor was visiting, too. Four people enjoying each others company, who all worked some kind of recovery program, and there was zero stress.
Contrast that with my mom who has raging codie behaviors and is in total denial. She had zero control over anything and anyone concerning my nephews, RAD and me, and it was driving her crazy. With all the people and personal schedules involved, change was constant and inevitable. We all rolled with it and she about lost her mind. She got so bad the last day, that she was trying to speak for others, and she became furious when we all ignored her bad behavior. A highly educated and intelligent, still working full time 72 year old woman having a temper tantrum is not a pretty sight.
RAD said my mom really disturbed her. I said it was all a perfect example of codie behavior. My mother was so determined to direct (control) everyone else that she lost control of herself.
My mom was not the only one out of control, but they were all a vivid reminder to continue working the program I wish they would. I've come so far and so have my beautiful RAD and RASM. I don't ever want to go back 'there'.
) who's still in the hospital after a month from COPD. RAD and I were most comfortable in the hospital. It was so relaxed, especially when RASM's sponsor was visiting, too. Four people enjoying each others company, who all worked some kind of recovery program, and there was zero stress.
Contrast that with my mom who has raging codie behaviors and is in total denial. She had zero control over anything and anyone concerning my nephews, RAD and me, and it was driving her crazy. With all the people and personal schedules involved, change was constant and inevitable. We all rolled with it and she about lost her mind. She got so bad the last day, that she was trying to speak for others, and she became furious when we all ignored her bad behavior. A highly educated and intelligent, still working full time 72 year old woman having a temper tantrum is not a pretty sight.
RAD said my mom really disturbed her. I said it was all a perfect example of codie behavior. My mother was so determined to direct (control) everyone else that she lost control of herself.
My mom was not the only one out of control, but they were all a vivid reminder to continue working the program I wish they would. I've come so far and so have my beautiful RAD and RASM. I don't ever want to go back 'there'.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
