Intimacy in Recovery
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 697
Intimacy in Recovery
Hello all. Some of you may know me, others not. Hello to new folks! I lurk quite a bit these days. I'm in graduate school and that is sucking the life out of me (and the time)!
Quick info: my husband is recovering meth addict - clean since October, 2008.
We had our ups and downs. He's in a great place now. He even quit smoking cigarettes and we're all trying to eat better.
We have a 2 year old who is the light of our life.
Anyway, onto my concern/question.
In short, our sex life is non-existent. I know that we're both busy working, being parents, doing schoolwork. But, I think there's an underlying issue with me in terms of trust and attraction.
Sometimes, I'm just not attracted to my husband. When he was using (and we were in a really nasty cycle), I remember how much I hated him touching me and kissing me. I would think, "I don't want the drug on me." I used to wonder if I could taste it in his mouth, or if he was always high when we had sex, etc. So much that slowly turned me off during his use.
The thing is, we're really having a hard time reconnecting sexually. I want to be intimate with him (and he with me), but we're turning our "non-sex life" into a habit.
I plan to seek some counseling on this, definitely (perhaps both of us together), but I'm curious if others have gone through this at all? I would really appreciate any kind of input and support. I feel like we're making some good ground insofar as trust and love and recovery (for both of us!) but I want my sex life back!
Quick info: my husband is recovering meth addict - clean since October, 2008.
We had our ups and downs. He's in a great place now. He even quit smoking cigarettes and we're all trying to eat better.
We have a 2 year old who is the light of our life.
Anyway, onto my concern/question.
In short, our sex life is non-existent. I know that we're both busy working, being parents, doing schoolwork. But, I think there's an underlying issue with me in terms of trust and attraction.
Sometimes, I'm just not attracted to my husband. When he was using (and we were in a really nasty cycle), I remember how much I hated him touching me and kissing me. I would think, "I don't want the drug on me." I used to wonder if I could taste it in his mouth, or if he was always high when we had sex, etc. So much that slowly turned me off during his use.
The thing is, we're really having a hard time reconnecting sexually. I want to be intimate with him (and he with me), but we're turning our "non-sex life" into a habit.
I plan to seek some counseling on this, definitely (perhaps both of us together), but I'm curious if others have gone through this at all? I would really appreciate any kind of input and support. I feel like we're making some good ground insofar as trust and love and recovery (for both of us!) but I want my sex life back!
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Join Date: May 2004
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 1,636
Originally Posted by ZombieWife 
But, I think there's an underlying issue with me in terms of trust and attraction.
You sound like you really love him and want to make this relationship work, and that's great -- as long as he continues to be willing to do his part.....which includes, not only working his own recovery, but also being willing to acknowledge that fact that, when it comes to re-establishing trust, if the lion's share of the betrayal of the relationship was on him, then the lion's share of the responsibility for re-establishing trust is on him.
He has to earn your trust back, and he has to accept the fact that this is going to be a process and that it is going to take time.
And so do you. It would be a potentially very, very dangerous mistake for you to let him -- or your own hormones -- rush you here.
I'm glad you'll be going for counseling -- hope you find it helpful!
freya
P.S. .....Love your avatar!
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 1,287
Good to see you ZW and great to hear things are going well for you both
Counseling for the two of you seems to be a great place to start and it's been something my rAH and I have talked about doing also because trust, with all than goes with it, has been an issue for us as well. Those underlying issues need to be addressed IMO for relationships to not only grow, but thrive, and things like attraction & intimacy to develop again. We tried group couples counseling which focused on communication, but it was three hours long, and so far has been difficult with our different schedules. Still, we practiced some good techniques for expressing what we are feeling and also being better listeners. Time constraints are a challenge....and really, for us, making our marriage a priority takes extra effort. We had both gotten so used to taking each other for granted, that it's been hard to break those habits - or ruts - we had fallen into. I don't know about you and your husband, but me and mine had become so used to NOT being involved in our marriage - I mean, we're married of course, but we just kind of lead our own lives for so long, if that makes sense. SO, we're working on it, together. Slowly but surely......I'm hoping anyways.
Have you discussed this with your husband? Maybe make a 'plan' of things you will both agree to do, things for just the two of you. They can be little things or big - from little spontaneous things to making some time each week to get away from the day to day stresses - perhaps let your daughter spend some time with other family members - so you can just be a couple again so you can find what it was that you both saw in each other in the beginning. Whatever you do, I hope you find something that works for you!
Counseling for the two of you seems to be a great place to start and it's been something my rAH and I have talked about doing also because trust, with all than goes with it, has been an issue for us as well. Those underlying issues need to be addressed IMO for relationships to not only grow, but thrive, and things like attraction & intimacy to develop again. We tried group couples counseling which focused on communication, but it was three hours long, and so far has been difficult with our different schedules. Still, we practiced some good techniques for expressing what we are feeling and also being better listeners. Time constraints are a challenge....and really, for us, making our marriage a priority takes extra effort. We had both gotten so used to taking each other for granted, that it's been hard to break those habits - or ruts - we had fallen into. I don't know about you and your husband, but me and mine had become so used to NOT being involved in our marriage - I mean, we're married of course, but we just kind of lead our own lives for so long, if that makes sense. SO, we're working on it, together. Slowly but surely......I'm hoping anyways.
Have you discussed this with your husband? Maybe make a 'plan' of things you will both agree to do, things for just the two of you. They can be little things or big - from little spontaneous things to making some time each week to get away from the day to day stresses - perhaps let your daughter spend some time with other family members - so you can just be a couple again so you can find what it was that you both saw in each other in the beginning. Whatever you do, I hope you find something that works for you!
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 697
Thank you for all the replies so far. Great to see some of you again.
Freya, I agree with you completely. I feel this is rooted in a trust issue and I believe he has to earn my trust again. We're both kind of at an impasse, though. We are on two different pages right now in terms of how we are dealing with the past. For example, I've told him that I forgive him, but that I haven't forgotten it all. And that I am still dealing with that.
He says, "Well forgiving means you forget as well."
And we're kind of tripped up there.
itis, lovely to see you again as well! We are open about this and we talk about not having sex and where it seems to stem from. I think we've just fallen into a funk. In the past, we would have pushed through because our relationship was new and we were trusting souls. Now, since the trust is still wounded, maybe it just keeps getting pushed to the back burner? not sure.
Either way, I'm grateful for the support so far. You folks are awesome!
Freya, I agree with you completely. I feel this is rooted in a trust issue and I believe he has to earn my trust again. We're both kind of at an impasse, though. We are on two different pages right now in terms of how we are dealing with the past. For example, I've told him that I forgive him, but that I haven't forgotten it all. And that I am still dealing with that.
He says, "Well forgiving means you forget as well."
And we're kind of tripped up there.
itis, lovely to see you again as well! We are open about this and we talk about not having sex and where it seems to stem from. I think we've just fallen into a funk. In the past, we would have pushed through because our relationship was new and we were trusting souls. Now, since the trust is still wounded, maybe it just keeps getting pushed to the back burner? not sure.
Either way, I'm grateful for the support so far.
You folks are awesome!
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Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Florida
Posts: 220
I had a really hard time with this one. For me, it is SOOOOO all about trust. It is so about the difference between sex and love.
I still considered myself "in love" with my XAH for many years after the trust was gone. I really had a hard time reconciling how I could still love him but not want to be intimate with him. I talked to a counselor about it, and he asked me what DID turn me on.... I thought about it long and hard (pardon the pun....) and finally answered that it was nobility of spirit that really turned me on in a man. Kindness, thoughtfulness, honesty, integrity, the ability to be gentle with women, children and animals. I could find no other words to describe the things that made me just want to jump a man and reward him in the most intimate way for the strengths in his character.
Unfortunately, for most of my time with my X, it was sex, not love. And it was used more as a weapon of manipulation, intimidation and humiliation than as an instrument of caring, giving and mutual respect.
It had everything to do with heart......HIS heart. I needed to respect him, admire him and trust him to want to open myself up to him.
Take some time. Give admiration, respect and trust a little room to grow back. If it never does, then there is something more in your relationship that needs examination.
Babs
I still considered myself "in love" with my XAH for many years after the trust was gone. I really had a hard time reconciling how I could still love him but not want to be intimate with him. I talked to a counselor about it, and he asked me what DID turn me on.... I thought about it long and hard (pardon the pun....) and finally answered that it was nobility of spirit that really turned me on in a man. Kindness, thoughtfulness, honesty, integrity, the ability to be gentle with women, children and animals. I could find no other words to describe the things that made me just want to jump a man and reward him in the most intimate way for the strengths in his character.
Unfortunately, for most of my time with my X, it was sex, not love. And it was used more as a weapon of manipulation, intimidation and humiliation than as an instrument of caring, giving and mutual respect.
It had everything to do with heart......HIS heart. I needed to respect him, admire him and trust him to want to open myself up to him.
Take some time. Give admiration, respect and trust a little room to grow back. If it never does, then there is something more in your relationship that needs examination.
Babs
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 76
Oh my goodness, I want my sex life back too. I completely understand. My husband is a pill addict, & we are also having trouble with sex. However, the attraction isn't the problem with us. Sometimes my husband has trouble performing when he's clean. And that bruises his ego. So we go a long time without any sex, & to be honest it kind of makes me nuts.
The only thing I can recommend to you is do some stuff to get his attention. Maybe some more four play, lingerie, shave you legs (just kidding)... You know what I mean. Men are visual. Walk around the house naked if you have to.
I wish you fun times!
Christen
The only thing I can recommend to you is do some stuff to get his attention. Maybe some more four play, lingerie, shave you legs (just kidding)... You know what I mean. Men are visual. Walk around the house naked if you have to.
I wish you fun times!
Christen
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