Intimacy issues
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: hillsville
Posts: 49
Intimacy issues
Hey guys and gals, been a bit but wanted to toss something out and see what ya'll think. I will express this as delicately as possible but there still may be TMI so continue at your own risk.
AH has been in recovery for about 6 weeks. He's not using opiates but still smokes weed. He attends meetings 3-5 times a week and has a sponsor he speaks with a couple times a week.
I have made him responsible for his half of everything financially as he still has habits I don't want to support and he is hell bent on staying in his own business which has not, and I don't believe every will (even sober), be a relia ble source of income for us. He is not allowed to drive my car or our children because of the weed and, of course, no drugs in the house.
I am attending al anon meetings when I can. Since he goes to meetings and we have a 3 year old I'm having a bit of trouble finding a reliable sitter. One issue which seems to be causing some strife is physical intimacy. Since he was using opiates for over 7 years (most of which I was unaware of due to not being able to pull my head out of the sand) needless to say there weren't any real issues since we were seldom even affectionate. I didn't really care because due to some very unfortunate happenings in my childhood and then more issues once we married, I didn't want sex anyway. On the occassion that things did happen everything turned out in the end even though I still found the whole thing rather disgusting and typically regretted things afterward.
Since he is opiate free he now wants to go back to 8 years ago and make up for lost time. I AM SO TOTALLY NOT INTERESTED! I know he is trying to be a good father and husband and am glad that he is making some positive changes but the thought of sex with him makes me sick. Things are not happening for me. While I am sure this isn't so unusual in recovery (especially early on) due to resentment and such I think there is more to it than that. I really don't know that this can be fixed since there were so many issues in this area even before recent events I just didn't have to deal with it very often since the drugs rendered him incapable most of the time.
Yes, marriage counseling would be a great idea but unfortunately we live in a very rural area where no one specializes in this area and.... AH doesn't have health insurance since he insist of working for himself and has substance abuse history and depression. Even if we could find a counselor up to the challenge we couldn't afford it. Maybe there are no answers for this one but I open to suggestions.
AH has been in recovery for about 6 weeks. He's not using opiates but still smokes weed. He attends meetings 3-5 times a week and has a sponsor he speaks with a couple times a week.
I have made him responsible for his half of everything financially as he still has habits I don't want to support and he is hell bent on staying in his own business which has not, and I don't believe every will (even sober), be a relia ble source of income for us. He is not allowed to drive my car or our children because of the weed and, of course, no drugs in the house.
I am attending al anon meetings when I can. Since he goes to meetings and we have a 3 year old I'm having a bit of trouble finding a reliable sitter. One issue which seems to be causing some strife is physical intimacy. Since he was using opiates for over 7 years (most of which I was unaware of due to not being able to pull my head out of the sand) needless to say there weren't any real issues since we were seldom even affectionate. I didn't really care because due to some very unfortunate happenings in my childhood and then more issues once we married, I didn't want sex anyway. On the occassion that things did happen everything turned out in the end even though I still found the whole thing rather disgusting and typically regretted things afterward.
Since he is opiate free he now wants to go back to 8 years ago and make up for lost time. I AM SO TOTALLY NOT INTERESTED! I know he is trying to be a good father and husband and am glad that he is making some positive changes but the thought of sex with him makes me sick. Things are not happening for me. While I am sure this isn't so unusual in recovery (especially early on) due to resentment and such I think there is more to it than that. I really don't know that this can be fixed since there were so many issues in this area even before recent events I just didn't have to deal with it very often since the drugs rendered him incapable most of the time.
Yes, marriage counseling would be a great idea but unfortunately we live in a very rural area where no one specializes in this area and.... AH doesn't have health insurance since he insist of working for himself and has substance abuse history and depression. Even if we could find a counselor up to the challenge we couldn't afford it. Maybe there are no answers for this one but I open to suggestions.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Others may be along with better suggestions than I have, but two thoughts come to mind.
One is that this is something that may take time between you two to work on intimacy issues and finding what works for both of you.
The other thought is that there may be free sexual abuse counseling that may be available to help you work on issues from your childhood.
It would be worth checking out, and is something that is far more common than you may think. Childhood sexual abuse issues take time and a professional to work through and may help you not only now, but for the rest of your life.
Good luck to both of you. Sometimes time and loving patience will help both partners be more sensitive to the needs of each other.
Hugs
One is that this is something that may take time between you two to work on intimacy issues and finding what works for both of you.
The other thought is that there may be free sexual abuse counseling that may be available to help you work on issues from your childhood.
It would be worth checking out, and is something that is far more common than you may think. Childhood sexual abuse issues take time and a professional to work through and may help you not only now, but for the rest of your life.
Good luck to both of you. Sometimes time and loving patience will help both partners be more sensitive to the needs of each other.
Hugs
Restoring myself to sanity
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Georgia
Posts: 1,018
Endangered, I'm having the same issues you are with intimacy. Like you I had some things happen in my childhood that has made me uninterested in sex.. unfortunatly it has carried on into my adult relationships as well. I could easily put the blame on my AH and say that well, it's because he is an addict and I can't give myself to someone that I don't respect and in a way I guess it's true to a point.. however, I have had a problem with intimacy with every partner that I have had so I know that the real issues fall on me and not the addict.
I still have not come to terms with my situation and I'm not sure where to start. I do wish that I could talk to my AH about this because a there are a lot of things that I have never told anyone.. alas though whenever I bring the subject up he starts taking things personaly and I just end up frustrated and feeling worse about myself.
I know that none of this is any real advice for you, but I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone.
(((hugs)))
I still have not come to terms with my situation and I'm not sure where to start. I do wish that I could talk to my AH about this because a there are a lot of things that I have never told anyone.. alas though whenever I bring the subject up he starts taking things personaly and I just end up frustrated and feeling worse about myself.
I know that none of this is any real advice for you, but I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone.
(((hugs)))
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: atlanta
Posts: 90
Endangered, try calling your county mental health office and see if they offer any free or reduced counseling for you and your h. I've had friends utlitize these programs for little or no cost. Hope that might help.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Many women's shelters will refer you to a sexual abuse counselor that won't charge anything, or that the shelter will subsidize.
Professional help is the way to go with this. It's not something that goes away when we discuss it with someone who isn't trained to walk us through it.
Good luck ladies, I really hope you get the help you need for this.
Hugs
Professional help is the way to go with this. It's not something that goes away when we discuss it with someone who isn't trained to walk us through it.
Good luck ladies, I really hope you get the help you need for this.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Originally Posted by endangered 
AH has been in recovery for about 6 weeks. He's not using opiates but still smokes weed.
That he is a long term addict most likely has contributed to emotional and physical intimicay issues.
It sounds like you have established reasonable boundaries for yourself and family.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: To the North
Posts: 1,086
Originally Posted by Ann
Many women's shelters will refer you to a sexual abuse counselor that won't charge anything, or that the shelter will subsidize.
Professional help is the way to go with this. It's not something that goes away when we discuss it with someone who isn't trained to walk us through it.
Good luck ladies, I really hope you get the help you need for this.
Hugs
Professional help is the way to go with this. It's not something that goes away when we discuss it with someone who isn't trained to walk us through it.
Good luck ladies, I really hope you get the help you need for this.
Hugs
Intimacy goes way beyond physical intimacy and it's what makes our lives connected with not just our partners, but our family (kids and parents and siblings, etc), friends, neighbors, community. We are soooooo worth seeking out assistance with past and present so that our future can be everything we deserve!!!!
Lots of hugs!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
1. I agree with Outtolunch. Gonna be tough, with him still mood-altering.
2. I also agree with Ann. This is complicated stuff. I am sure much of your lack of desire stems from years of resentments building and they don't go away in a month. But you two are ill-equipped to counsel yourselves, especially on so sensitive a topic.
3. I do know there are many books, and I'm sure some of them are good. I don't mean "how to" books, but things that walk you through certain excercises and other stuff. Actually, I'll share something from my xah's and my marital counseling. We were to be close to one another, in bed, without getting to the actual act. There were very clear lines drawn about what we could and could not do. But the important thing in this particular excersise, was that - even if we wanted to, we could not do the act. I think more than anything, it was meant to build trust and comfort.
(by the way, didn't work. he didn't seem to get it)
2. I also agree with Ann. This is complicated stuff. I am sure much of your lack of desire stems from years of resentments building and they don't go away in a month. But you two are ill-equipped to counsel yourselves, especially on so sensitive a topic.
3. I do know there are many books, and I'm sure some of them are good. I don't mean "how to" books, but things that walk you through certain excercises and other stuff. Actually, I'll share something from my xah's and my marital counseling. We were to be close to one another, in bed, without getting to the actual act. There were very clear lines drawn about what we could and could not do. But the important thing in this particular excersise, was that - even if we wanted to, we could not do the act. I think more than anything, it was meant to build trust and comfort.
(by the way, didn't work. he didn't seem to get it)
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