Chino

If you're taking steps to move on then why are you telling him what you need and how to do it? That's one foot in the door and one foot out. Isn't that the same thing you feel he's doing? Not committing 100%?

I think 1234 asked some very good questions.

coffeedrinker

i struggled with the things brought up on this thread for days.

"one foot in the door and one foot out" yes.

"control issues" yes.

i called my therapist and said i'm having a hard time; can you see me this week? he said come on in tomorrow.

i talked about the control piece. copped to it, but having a hard time discerning what is trying to effect a certain outcome ("be like i want you to be") and what is me just saying "this is what i need, you haven't really been the person i hoped, and you said, that you were becoming".

he said he thought the "control" thing was a crock. we all get to say to the people in our lives what is acceptable for us. is that trying to control them?
i explained what i thought the word meant, in this example. i told him i agreed with it to a point.

he reminded me of the bottom line: i am recognizing that he is behaving in ways that make me feel like the girlfriend/boyfriend thing is not working for me. and we talked about other things in the relationship, that he (therapist)sees as a lack of respect (after smoking i put my cigarette in the garbage can; he flicks his onto the driveway or yard). of course, there are mental illness issues (bi-polar, ptsd) and i think (ok, i know) the therapist is trying to help me to see that because they are profound enough, a healthy, mature relationship the way i have wanted one, is probably just not possible.

i have had a lot of sadness, and anxiety this week. the thing is, i want to, need to, move away from him even more (he has lived apart from me for two months) and not delude myself that he is going to morph into this beautiful shining example of a man fired up about recovery and the world that i wish to live in (aa/na/alanon), and more mentally healthy. i have struggled with "progress, not perfection" and with the notion that nothing will be good enough.
i know myself. "nothing is good enough for christine" is not the truth.

he has a new friend who is also newly clean & sober and on mmt. he's a good guy, with a good background. we had committed to bringing him to his hometown this weekend, about a four-hour drive round trip. all week i have been trying to decide if i'm going to contact the friend and tell him i just can't do it, sorry. but a commitment is a commitment. and back and forth i went.

abf and i have had some contact, but minimal. yesterday one of the things i asked him was if he wanted to talk.
i told him this (text message)
"here's the deal: i don't wanna sit in the car for hours in silence. nor do i want to pretend there isn't something huge going on between us. i do want you to have the opportunity to say whatever it is you might have to say. but i am not putting the screws to you, nor am i going to try and manipulate you into saying anything in particular. i am tired of trying to get words out of you. but i am a little mixed up, and i don't know what today, tomorrow or next month/year is going to look like with us. i just want clarity if possible.

he did reply that he would talk to me tomorrow (which is now today).

i don't have high expectations, and if he stonewalls, well, then it's four hours spent on a sunny spring day helping the friend of a friend, and one more piece in this puzzle of "what does christine want, what is she willing to tolerate with brian."

i realize he's limited. but limited and trying can certainly go hand in hand. i am a loving and forgiving person. but i am not a doormat. well, maybe i have been one, but i have been learning to recognize the traps and learning to say no, and well, you guys know how it is with all the learning and the time it takes to get where we want to be.

StillLearning1

he has a new friend
You said it, this is his frienc
who is also newly clean & sober
Are you alanon or AA?

and on mmt. he's a good guy, with a good background. we had committed to bringing him to his hometown this weekend, about a four-hour drive round trip. all week i have been trying to decide if i'm going to contact the friend and tell him i just can't do it, sorry.
Why is this dependant on you? Why can't your boyfriend drive HIS friend up there? For that matter, why doesn't whoever he is going to be spending his time with, come and get him?
but a commitment is a commitment. and back and forth i went.

They are adults, coffee. Not children. They don't need your help. They have plenty of people who can help them. Will help them.

I would invest my time and energy on the people who are in your group. The alanoners.

I am going to just put it out there. It is something I have noticed about the difference between AA and Alanon. AA takes care of their own. There is always plenty of help out their for the people who suffer from this disease. There is very little out their for their loved ones, the children.

Just my opinion, but I would take those 4 hours and do something for the children of the addict/alcoholics. The are the ones, who need us.

coffeedrinker

I hear ya, Still.

This "new friend" arrived in our city from 300 miles north of it. He doesn't yet have a vehicle, his 78-year-old mother drove to a town only 130 miles north of us, still quite a drive for her, to meet her son. Brian asked me weeks ago how would I like us (both) to drive him to meet his mother (Brian has no car) and I said sure no prob. Then I started my decision-making in earnest, and the detaching from him. All week I was going back and forth about following through or not, and finally decided - to do a good deed and to have that time for a talk with Brian on the way back home.

As it turned out, Brian and I were able to say some things. He was the Brian I love being with, and talked about his program, some progress he's making with a complicated deep-seated issue, and a new writing class he is taking. He shared a piece of writing he did on the first day and we talked about that.

All in all, I am glad I went. No remorse for bailing out on the guy, and after I think we both felt we were done talking, I took a snooze just outside the city. I knew that if he had either asked, or just drove right to my house (which would have been expected prior to last week) it would have been what I secretly wanted. So I took a nap. Waking up, we were two blocks from his house. I felt sad, but also I felt that meant that he understood what I was saying, that he heard me. We got out of the car, had a long hug laden with meaning, during which I started to cry. It was all very civil and I actually felt good (albeit sad) because that's when I knew that we each knew we would not shut the other completely out.

You see, we were friends first, and he has been my best friend for 17 years. Once I told him about the Joan Baez song that I had just listened to, and that I thought that no matter where our friendship went (lovers or not), we would always end up being two people who deeply care for each other.



"We may not always be the best of lovers
But if you leave it to me I think I can see
We'll always be the best of friends

And one day when I am old and on the porch
With knittings around my knees you hear me say
Excuse me please,but aren't you the one
And wasn't it fun way back when

Or maybe in a year you'll reappear
And if that should come true
I'd throw my arms around you and watch you smile
Just for awhile once again

We may not always be the best of lovers
But if you leave it to me I think I can see
We'll always be the best of friends"

barb dwyer

coffee you are growing so fast and so strong. it's a joy to watch.

coffeedrinker

well thanks, barb. i sure don't feel like i'm going anywhere today, except backwards.

since i thought we had left things is a pretty good place, i made the mistake of sending a text message yesterday. i have not received a reply and been a bundle of nerves ever since. i know he's in a funk bigtime, and i'm not taking all the responsibility for it, but yeah, i am taking some. he kept his heart closed up for so long, and finally (with me) he started really trusting, and expressing himself and....well i just wish it would have been different. i've been a wreck for about 24 hours. keeping busy at work and sitting on the computer - don't know what else to do.

endangered

coffee drinker,

I know how you feel about just wanted to know if he has relapsed or something. I hate to say it, but I think I'll be really pissed if I invest even one more year of my life in this marriage if he relapses. I'm 39 this month and although I certainly wouldn't be looking for a relationship if we split, I also know that I don't want to spend the rest of my life without love. We have 3 kids, one of which is only 3, and she is one of the reasons I don't just call it quits....LOVES daddy and is sad when he goes to his 'meetings' says she wants both her parents home together. I know the tail shouldn't wag the dog....but sure does pull at the heart strings.

You and he have been through alot together and it's great that he has been so supportive, I know that guilt can eat at you as I have put my AH through alot with my bipolar disorder over the years and he has stood by me. Sometimes I even think I might have caused it (or at least made it worse) by some of the things I did prior to being diagnosed and medicated. It's tough to end things with someone when you feel they could have left you and didn't. I am a spiritual person so I am working on leaving it in the hands of God, especially since I made such a mess of things when I tried to handle it on my own.

You are right, you do control who is in your life and that's as it should be. I think too many of us are so ingrained in codependency and enabling that we just can't really seem to fully grasp that truth. I don't have any great words of wisdom but wanted you to know that in some ways I can identify. You are such a wonderful presence on this board and I only want the best for you. Don't forget to want the best for yourself and KNOW that you deserve that.

HUGS!

86753091

Barb wrote"

"I had a cat I loved very much
but I developed an allergy to long haired cats.

And I had to let her go.

It would be foolish to keep the cat
when she was making me sick.

... just a bit of an analogy there."

This was my initial response as well, and leads me to ask "Why would anyone allow this sort of craziness in thier life if they didn't have to?"

My signifigant addict is my daughter. I fully understand the parental ties that bind.

ABF, AGF, AH, AW - I don't get it. You could be enjoying the world, but you're enduring chaos.

The "enlightning" post enlightened me - the pain isn't going to lessen. If you can set yourself free, why don't you?

CB

coffeedrinker

THANK YOU. I really hope I am - sometimes - a kind or wise presence on this board, although when I post something honest and vulnerable and MESSED UP like this stuff, then I feel like maybe it negates anything smart or good I've said. Like my credibility is shot.

And that message, about us getting to control who is in our life, and what role they play, man, that shouldn't be so tough but it sure is.
I felt like so much of this relationship was out of my control, like it just happened but I didn't own my power, ya know? That is what I am learning, more than anything, right now. I don't get to sit here and blame him for moving in here when he had no place else to go. I could have said "no" but felt powerless to do so. (one example).

This bond I have really has nothing to do with guilt - I know someone else suggested that too. The affection and loyalty that was created during some of those hard times was the result. I don't have guilt over leaving, just incredible sadness. Still stuck on the "what was supposed to be" with us. Still upset that he didn't play by my rule book.

Good statement about leaving it in God's hands. I hope you're at peace for the moment. Splitting when the kids are very young is probably much more difficult.

86753091

Coffee,

That said, from your post he does appear to be trying to work his program.

CB