took a step toward moving on with my life
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took a step toward moving on with my life
Those of you who read here often may know that I have been emotionally preparing myself for a termination or change in my relationship with ABF. I'm this way, no sudden moves for me!
Few days ago, he asked how my appt. with therapist went. I told him that I read therapist one of ABF's old myspace blogs. It was one in which he went to my first chemotherapy with me. This man stuck to me like glue when I had a cancer diagnosis, surgery, and six-week recouperation. And drove me to all me follow-up appointments. There were some powerful, defining moments in our relationship together throughout that time.
This blog was beautifully written, expressed fear and vulnerability, and the desire to have taken on my pain if he were able. A week later, when my hair came out in gobs, we shaved our heads in my bathroom, tears rolling down my face. When he handed me the shaver, I said "you don't need to, ya know. Why would you cut off your beautiful hair?" He said "because I want you to feel like you're not going through this alone."
Anyway, the therapist was blown away by this piece of writing. (He sees both of us.) He said "I would never have know he had that in him." I said "it's a part of him he doesn't show to many." Then, while talking to ABF about this, I also mentioned the time we were on a road trip and sang and laughed together. (It was almost a year ago). I said "That was the last time we had fun together."
I told him about how that person (in the two examples) isn't here anymore.
"It's like there is this shroud around you, around your heart, and mind, and soul. It's like you can't get out, and no one can get in."
He said, "I just don't see it".
[He has been on methadone maintenance for 6 months]
I said "when you said last year you wanted to get clean for good, you said you thought you should get on MMT. I supported that, and still do. But, honey, that's just one piece of the equation. There are a whole lot of other things that need to happen for true recovery. You are doing some of them. I have been patient, I have been supportive, waiting to see whether or not true growth will happen. Ya know, you get to do whatever you want. But I get to choose who is in my life. If I only want to be around Catholics, I can choose that. You can't really argue with that decision. If I have a significant relationship with an addict, he HAS TO BE WORKING a 12-step program. I just believe in it so strongly."
He did argue - didn't get ugly, but he said he is more spiritual than I am (true), and said "I go to more meetings than you do every week." I said maybe so, but just showing up isn't the same as working it. I told him I didn't think he would ever move forward enough and clean up the wreckage of his past unless he worked through all of that. Reminded him about the times that he said "I know I have to surrender, turn my will over." Me: "But then you don't. There is a very simple formula. Millions have had success with it. It's not easy, but it is simple. You start with the first admission, being powerless, you surrender, then do this, that, (etc) - it's called the 12 steps. And what I believe, is that it's the way to becoming whole again."
Right before he walked away, he said "you're like my mother - nothing's good enough".
Few days ago, he asked how my appt. with therapist went. I told him that I read therapist one of ABF's old myspace blogs. It was one in which he went to my first chemotherapy with me. This man stuck to me like glue when I had a cancer diagnosis, surgery, and six-week recouperation. And drove me to all me follow-up appointments. There were some powerful, defining moments in our relationship together throughout that time.
This blog was beautifully written, expressed fear and vulnerability, and the desire to have taken on my pain if he were able. A week later, when my hair came out in gobs, we shaved our heads in my bathroom, tears rolling down my face. When he handed me the shaver, I said "you don't need to, ya know. Why would you cut off your beautiful hair?" He said "because I want you to feel like you're not going through this alone."
Anyway, the therapist was blown away by this piece of writing. (He sees both of us.) He said "I would never have know he had that in him." I said "it's a part of him he doesn't show to many." Then, while talking to ABF about this, I also mentioned the time we were on a road trip and sang and laughed together. (It was almost a year ago). I said "That was the last time we had fun together."
I told him about how that person (in the two examples) isn't here anymore.
"It's like there is this shroud around you, around your heart, and mind, and soul. It's like you can't get out, and no one can get in."
He said, "I just don't see it".
[He has been on methadone maintenance for 6 months]
I said "when you said last year you wanted to get clean for good, you said you thought you should get on MMT. I supported that, and still do. But, honey, that's just one piece of the equation. There are a whole lot of other things that need to happen for true recovery. You are doing some of them. I have been patient, I have been supportive, waiting to see whether or not true growth will happen. Ya know, you get to do whatever you want. But I get to choose who is in my life. If I only want to be around Catholics, I can choose that. You can't really argue with that decision. If I have a significant relationship with an addict, he HAS TO BE WORKING a 12-step program. I just believe in it so strongly."
He did argue - didn't get ugly, but he said he is more spiritual than I am (true), and said "I go to more meetings than you do every week." I said maybe so, but just showing up isn't the same as working it. I told him I didn't think he would ever move forward enough and clean up the wreckage of his past unless he worked through all of that. Reminded him about the times that he said "I know I have to surrender, turn my will over." Me: "But then you don't. There is a very simple formula. Millions have had success with it. It's not easy, but it is simple. You start with the first admission, being powerless, you surrender, then do this, that, (etc) - it's called the 12 steps. And what I believe, is that it's the way to becoming whole again."
Right before he walked away, he said "you're like my mother - nothing's good enough".
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I can't remember if your BF has been clean while he's on MMT?
Are you taking his inventory?
Originally Posted by coffeedrinker 
He did argue - didn't get ugly, but he said he is more spiritual than I am (true), and said "I go to more meetings than you do every week." I said maybe so, but just showing up isn't the same as working it.
ThatLittleGirl
Join Date: Mar 2010
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I admire your courage...I am in a similar predicament with my AH. He is on Suboxone Maintenance (for just over a week now)...but struggling with it and the side effects. He's all kinds of moody...it's depressing a lot of the time to be around him. I think back to when I met him and what a different guy he was. Easy going, funny, smart...he was the guy everyone loved to be around. We went to concerts together all the time, hung out with friends on the weekends, took incredible trips...it was wonderful! Then his addiction really kicked in...and everything began a gradual downhill spiral to where we are today.
I am sitting back trying to decide whether to stay or go. I want to see once he gets his Soboxone straight whether he works his program or not. He goes to one...maybe two meetings a week. Now he does work a lot...50-60 hours a week, I stay at home and take care of the errands, cleaning, kids, etc... I know he talks to his sponsor daily and one other friend...but I still get the impression it's a superficial effort. I think he's hoping the Soboxone will do most of the work for him. So, I'm watching, waiting, praying...hoping that as I move forward and continue to work my steps, the answers as to what I should do between me and him will become clear.
I admire your strength and ability to put that out there to him. My husband always says to me, "It's never good enough...nothing will ever be good enough". It kills me when he says that... But I've realized it not about good or not good, it's about different. I want to live my life day in and day out in a different way than he does...and that's OK. I have to be comfortable that I'm making healthy decisions regardless of how AH responds to my choices.
So thank you for sharing...it helps to get insight into how others are working through their issues...to know there are those with strong boundaries to set examples for beginners like me:-)
I am sitting back trying to decide whether to stay or go. I want to see once he gets his Soboxone straight whether he works his program or not. He goes to one...maybe two meetings a week. Now he does work a lot...50-60 hours a week, I stay at home and take care of the errands, cleaning, kids, etc... I know he talks to his sponsor daily and one other friend...but I still get the impression it's a superficial effort. I think he's hoping the Soboxone will do most of the work for him. So, I'm watching, waiting, praying...hoping that as I move forward and continue to work my steps, the answers as to what I should do between me and him will become clear.
I admire your strength and ability to put that out there to him. My husband always says to me, "It's never good enough...nothing will ever be good enough". It kills me when he says that... But I've realized it not about good or not good, it's about different. I want to live my life day in and day out in a different way than he does...and that's OK. I have to be comfortable that I'm making healthy decisions regardless of how AH responds to my choices.
So thank you for sharing...it helps to get insight into how others are working through their issues...to know there are those with strong boundaries to set examples for beginners like me:-)
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Originally Posted by ThatLittleGirl
I still get the impression it's a superficial effort. I think he's hoping the Soboxone will do most of the work for him. So, I'm watching, waiting, praying...hoping that as I move forward and continue to work my steps, the answers as to what I should do between me and him will become clear.
...or not good, it's about different. I want to live my life day in and day out in a different way than he does...and that's OK. I have to be comfortable that I'm making healthy decisions regardless of how AH responds to my choices.
...or not good, it's about different. I want to live my life day in and day out in a different way than he does...and that's OK. I have to be comfortable that I'm making healthy decisions regardless of how AH responds to my choices.
2 - mine is on methadone, but i would bet they are similar. i too, waited and waited, hoping for signs that he was either not staying clean & at least i would know, or that he was getting better. he was so whacked for well over a month - but this guy is on two different depression meds as well. he would fall asleep standing up! i was so convinced that he was mixing drugs cuz he was so out of it, til his psychiatrist told me this was considered normal. so, yes, i think time is needed.
3 - chino, you raise a good point. am taking his inventory? well, i guess so. is it ok for me to say i need you to be more emotionally healthy to stay so involved with you? i think so. oh great, now i think i did something wrong. i think i need help straightening this out.
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When, you mentioned he said, he's more spiritual then you, what's your take on that?
When, I'm focused on my spirituality, I'm very serene. If, I lossen up a grip on it, I can be pretty nasty real quick. I've been clean and sober long enough to not go back to using or drinking, I just don't like my attitude.
Pity, you both went through a lot together. Shame, you can't salvage this.
When, I'm focused on my spirituality, I'm very serene. If, I lossen up a grip on it, I can be pretty nasty real quick. I've been clean and sober long enough to not go back to using or drinking, I just don't like my attitude.
Pity, you both went through a lot together. Shame, you can't salvage this.
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coffee, you're making me smile because my therapist pointed out something to me the other day, and your question ties in with it.
It isn't wrong to tell someone you need them to be emotionally healthy, but it's only half of stating what you want. You have to define it. What actions demonstrate emotional health to you?
I want more emotional intimacy in my marriage. I know what it looks like because I experienced it before with him. Now I have to define it in absolute terms so I can tell him exactly what I want.
But I'm not married to a newly recovering addict, who has to focus almost 100% on their sobriety.
One of the best pieces of advice I've ever read on here is to work the program you wish they would. That's how I keep from taking my RAD's inventory.
It isn't wrong to tell someone you need them to be emotionally healthy, but it's only half of stating what you want. You have to define it. What actions demonstrate emotional health to you?
I want more emotional intimacy in my marriage. I know what it looks like because I experienced it before with him. Now I have to define it in absolute terms so I can tell him exactly what I want.
But I'm not married to a newly recovering addict, who has to focus almost 100% on their sobriety.
One of the best pieces of advice I've ever read on here is to work the program you wish they would. That's how I keep from taking my RAD's inventory.
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Originally Posted by Chino
It isn't wrong to tell someone you need them to be emotionally healthy, but it's only half of stating what you want. You have to define it. What actions demonstrate emotional health to you?
I have to define it in absolute terms so I can tell him exactly what I want.
But I'm not married to a newly recovering addict, who has to focus almost 100% on their sobriety.
One of the best pieces of advice I've ever read on here is to work the program you wish they would. That's how I keep from taking my RAD's inventory.
Thanks for the advice! I have to define it. I'm sure his head is swimming because, as he said, he thinks he's doing pretty good.
He is a newly recovering addict, but, as "thatlittlegirl" said, my hunch is that he thought getting on the mmt would be the magic bullet. And, sadly, for him perhaps it is. (And yes, he has been clean from any non-prescribed drugs since he stepped off a plane from Texas last October. He told me that was gonna be his sober anniversary, because it is when he started his new life; and realized how important I am to him. (How's that for playing right into a co-dependent's hand?) )
As for that little nugget you ended with,
That is awesome.
And, really, I think I already came up with it on my own, without putting it into words. I am embracing the program, getting more connected to the people in my home group, more than I ever have. I just bought the 4th step workbook and, although I've worked on it in the past (never finished), my plan is to tackle that one this summer. I WANT to do a 5th step, I WANT to meet with my children, my mother and my xah, and do a 9th step. I really really want this to be an integral part of my life, even more than it already is. And this is so fundamental, so crucial to who I am, how I relate to others, that I believe I will feel unsatisfied in my significant other relationship if he is not also on board with all that. The level of intimacy that lies therein, is something that is very meaningful to me, the language of the steps...well, as I said, it's just part of who I am. I know that I could be with someone who doesn't also subscribe to this step by step (excuse the pun), but I just don't think I want to. There would seem to be a big chunk just missing.
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just wish to tell more of my story
Originally Posted by CAPTAINZING2000
When, you mentioned he said, he's more spiritual then you, what's your take on that?
When, I'm focused on my spirituality, I'm very serene.
Pity, you both went through a lot together. Shame, you can't salvage this.
When, I'm focused on my spirituality, I'm very serene.
Pity, you both went through a lot together. Shame, you can't salvage this.
The second sentence: yes, I think that makes perfect sense. And I think that ABF's experience is this as well. He's pretty serene most of the time actually. But I think I've figured out that it's more because he is functioning in this low-level high, or fog, all of the time. I wished and wished that I was wrong, but now that I've been observing, it's what I believe. (Couple members on sub/methadone maintenance on this board would agree.)
We have gone through much together. I know I'm writing a lot (it's partly how I process) but I would like to share another story:
I had a tiny tumor - smaller than a pea. I was just gonna go in, have the thing plucked out, go on with life not even missing a beat. But then, I got the results of the genetic test that revealed the flaw in the gene that controls the parts of my body that can get either breast or ovarian cancer. Now this was a whole new ballgame. I brought an article written by someone who articulated very well some of the feelings, and the decision that I would now be faced with, given the much higher likelihood that I would again get b.cancer even if we removed this one lump.
We sat at the lake, after talking a walk. I brought out the article and said "This wasn't written BY me, but it's ABOUT me. I'd like you to read it."
When I came back to him, he was somber. I said to him, "I know you, Brian. I know how you deal with stuff - you run. I would love for you to walk through this with me, but I cannot have you in one day and out the next. I can't take care of you right now; I have to take care of myself. And I need only people around me that are strong. What I'm saying, is that I give you a pass. You can check out, and I won't hold it against you. Cuz I know this is hard for you. I can't walk away from this, I have no choice. But you do." He put his arms around me and simply said, "I have no choice." And then, two months later, in a hospital room after I came out of recovery, there was discussion in the room about who was going to sleep there that night, to stay with me. He realized they were trying to include him in the discussion, looked up and said "I'm not going anywhere" and slept on the cot in the room for four nights, spoon-fed my broth when I couldn't use my arms, mopped my forehead with a cold cloth, and stuck by me like glue.
So yes, these memories are very firm and fresh in my mind. And I know that, until two days ago, all I would have to do is call and he would come running. It hurts like hell to reject him after that kind of dedication.
ThatLittleGirl
Join Date: Mar 2010
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hoping for signs that he was either not staying clean & at least i would know, or that he was getting better. he was so whacked for well over a month - but this guy is on two different depression meds as well. he would fall asleep standing up! i was so convinced that he was mixing drugs cuz he was so out of it, til his psychiatrist told me this was considered normal. - I could have written this...He's had his therapist call me directly before to describe some of the side-effects of all the medications my AH is on. Even today he called me from work and was slurring so bad, I asked if he was OK (bad habit, it's a trigger to him and it pisses him off to no end because he sees it as I'm prying)...Anyway, he said yes, he's just really, really tired. I know the suboxone is helping him...but I don't know if he's completely off all pills...but time will tell I suppose...
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Coffeedrinker - I'm not working a program, nor is my husband an addict (my son is) so I'm not going to pretend to know what you're going through. I just feel compelled to share what I am feeling as I read your posts and I'm gonna be kinda blunt because I think you can take it.
It seems to me like you're wanting him to jump through some hoops that he shouldn't really have to jump through. Just like we can't make an addict get clean, we can't MAKE them work a program either. Or even if we could, it wouldn't be authentic. So I just want to ask you -- are you wanting him to work a program just because you think it will help produce a certain outcome or are you really saying you're going to release him because you really want a "program" man in your life. Something about that just doesn't feel right. To me it feels like you're trying to manipulate him. You've moved your bar UP from "I need someone who is clean" to "I need someone who is clean AND working a program with the exact same enthusiasm as I am".
ARe you perhaps in the pink cloud of recovery yourself?
It seems to me like you're wanting him to jump through some hoops that he shouldn't really have to jump through. Just like we can't make an addict get clean, we can't MAKE them work a program either. Or even if we could, it wouldn't be authentic. So I just want to ask you -- are you wanting him to work a program just because you think it will help produce a certain outcome or are you really saying you're going to release him because you really want a "program" man in your life. Something about that just doesn't feel right. To me it feels like you're trying to manipulate him. You've moved your bar UP from "I need someone who is clean" to "I need someone who is clean AND working a program with the exact same enthusiasm as I am".
ARe you perhaps in the pink cloud of recovery yourself?
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tjp
thank you.
i am struggling with feelings of guilt. he got clean from heroin, benzo's, meth and pills. he said he had to choose mmt because he knew he would probably relapse on heroin again if he didn't. he said he needed to do it to keep me - the best things that's ever happened to him - in his life.
hmm. in answer to your question:
are you wanting him to work a program just because you think it will help produce a certain outcome or are you really saying you're going to release him because you really want a "program" man in your life.
both are true?
chino pointed out that i'm trying to take his inventory. yep, i'll cop to that. in my heart, i know that i want him to get fired up about recovery - the 12 step way. i've seen it before and it's awesome. i've seen him working at a halfway house, connecting with other men, helping the struggling ones out, just being engaged with the world in a meaningful way. it's just completely missing now. he is like a shell, contributing very little to my life, his little corner of the world, or his life even. just getting through each day. so...do i want someone like that to play an important role in mine?
so, even if he weren't exactly a "program" guy, if there were other things present - a spark for living, reaching out to others, finding joy in life - i would probably be ok with that.
i probably phrased it wrong when i told him what i needed. damn.
thank you.
i am struggling with feelings of guilt. he got clean from heroin, benzo's, meth and pills. he said he had to choose mmt because he knew he would probably relapse on heroin again if he didn't. he said he needed to do it to keep me - the best things that's ever happened to him - in his life.
hmm. in answer to your question:
are you wanting him to work a program just because you think it will help produce a certain outcome or are you really saying you're going to release him because you really want a "program" man in your life.
both are true?
chino pointed out that i'm trying to take his inventory. yep, i'll cop to that. in my heart, i know that i want him to get fired up about recovery - the 12 step way. i've seen it before and it's awesome. i've seen him working at a halfway house, connecting with other men, helping the struggling ones out, just being engaged with the world in a meaningful way. it's just completely missing now. he is like a shell, contributing very little to my life, his little corner of the world, or his life even. just getting through each day. so...do i want someone like that to play an important role in mine?
so, even if he weren't exactly a "program" guy, if there were other things present - a spark for living, reaching out to others, finding joy in life - i would probably be ok with that.
i probably phrased it wrong when i told him what i needed. damn.
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Originally Posted by coffeedrinker
i probably phrased it wrong when i told him what i needed. damn.
Like tjp, I don't mean to offend by being blunt. I'm seeing control issues here, and don't know if you're trying to control your life or his. That's for you to figure out. He needs to control his life his way just as we all need to do for ourselves.
If you're unhappy it's up to you to figure out what you need to do for yourself.
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Chino,
I need to hear what your take on my speech was.
I had a long walk with a close friend today. Told her pretty verbatim what I wrote on here. I also told her what the feedback was. She said she thought that since I said "I need the significant other in my life to _____ & _____", instead of saying "you need to ____ & ____, you need to not do ____ & ____" that I was within my "rights".
I think Anvil said in a recent post, that it's about what level of function is too different, it's about what is a good fit.
My friend invited me to speak at her al-anon meeting a few weeks ago. Today she told me that when Brian walked into the meeting with me, she did not recognize him. Today she said she didn't think it was her place at that time to say this to me, but she wondered who that guy was when he walked in, and thought "boy does he need a meeting". She said he was not the same person that sat beside my hospital bed, and the same guy who she met at the Br.Cancer 3-Day finish line last year. She said "He looked so broken."
If I realize that he is so broken, and have finally given up trying to help "fix" him - cuz it's just too much for me to stand by and watch and try and interact with him anymore, and I feel I am sacrificing a piece of myself by doing so, isn't it a good thing that I'm stepping back, and stepping away? Isn't that self-care?
If it's just a control issue - and I do realize that there is that component intertwined in this - then what would be the "right way" to express that I need to move on for me?
I think part of me gets it, but I am confused.
I need to hear what your take on my speech was.
I had a long walk with a close friend today. Told her pretty verbatim what I wrote on here. I also told her what the feedback was. She said she thought that since I said "I need the significant other in my life to _____ & _____", instead of saying "you need to ____ & ____, you need to not do ____ & ____" that I was within my "rights".
I think Anvil said in a recent post, that it's about what level of function is too different, it's about what is a good fit.
My friend invited me to speak at her al-anon meeting a few weeks ago. Today she told me that when Brian walked into the meeting with me, she did not recognize him. Today she said she didn't think it was her place at that time to say this to me, but she wondered who that guy was when he walked in, and thought "boy does he need a meeting". She said he was not the same person that sat beside my hospital bed, and the same guy who she met at the Br.Cancer 3-Day finish line last year. She said "He looked so broken."
If I realize that he is so broken, and have finally given up trying to help "fix" him - cuz it's just too much for me to stand by and watch and try and interact with him anymore, and I feel I am sacrificing a piece of myself by doing so, isn't it a good thing that I'm stepping back, and stepping away? Isn't that self-care?
If it's just a control issue - and I do realize that there is that component intertwined in this - then what would be the "right way" to express that I need to move on for me?
I think part of me gets it, but I am confused.
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JMHO....
What I see in your post, is maybe some gratitude with a sidedish of some guilt?
Are you by any chance feeling like because he helped you when you were sick, was there for you, that you should be there for him? Or maybe wish that you could?
Also our experiences affect us. Coffee it was less than a month ago, that you and the rest of us were so worried about your daughter. That was a crisis. Also some hope once she was okay. Then denial set in.
I think it's hard to go from one situation to the other. Confusing.
I don't know that I would say you are trying to control him and his program. More so, you know he is not happy? Denying it?
Is it by chance bothering you, even subconsciously.. That the man you are choosing to be in a relationship, is basically not practicing (rolemodeling) what you believe your daughter needs to do, to get healthy and recover?
Could this be a reason why you are feeling discontent?
(these are not questions for you to answer me, maybe just something for you to think about?)
What I see in your post, is maybe some gratitude with a sidedish of some guilt?
Are you by any chance feeling like because he helped you when you were sick, was there for you, that you should be there for him? Or maybe wish that you could?
Also our experiences affect us. Coffee it was less than a month ago, that you and the rest of us were so worried about your daughter. That was a crisis. Also some hope once she was okay. Then denial set in.
I think it's hard to go from one situation to the other. Confusing.
I don't know that I would say you are trying to control him and his program. More so, you know he is not happy? Denying it?
Is it by chance bothering you, even subconsciously.. That the man you are choosing to be in a relationship, is basically not practicing (rolemodeling) what you believe your daughter needs to do, to get healthy and recover?
Could this be a reason why you are feeling discontent?
(these are not questions for you to answer me, maybe just something for you to think about?)
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I don't think you're 'working his program' at all.
In fact, I think that is kind of a cop out
because it simply leads down the
"well just live with it" road.
And that's crap.
I think you've discovered what you will...
and what you will not live with any longer.
So here you are:
you have a right to say what you will and will not have in your life.
you have a right to your peace of mind and your own path to walk, crawl... or dance.
We're ALL defining someone else when we say
"be clean and sober ... or be someplace else."
But we have the RIGHT to.
She's not trying to tell him HOW to be...
she's telling him what she's NOT seeing.
And bottom line, what she'snot seeing -
is recovery.
She (you) are not obligated to live in hell
in any way shape or form
of anyone else's making
only your own.
I think your writing shows appropriate growth and progress and I'm so
FLIPPIN PROUD of you.
Sad WITh you, of course....
but the simple truth you can't quite see today
is the size of the door you're opening
for a larger, brighter, happier life
to come streaming in.
You are at a place where you HAVE to move, hon
I can feel it in your writing.
Staying with someone half-clean
is not moving forward.
But you know that.
I'm so happy for you!!!!!!
In fact, I think that is kind of a cop out
because it simply leads down the
"well just live with it" road.
And that's crap.
I think you've discovered what you will...
and what you will not live with any longer.
So here you are:
you have a right to say what you will and will not have in your life.
you have a right to your peace of mind and your own path to walk, crawl... or dance.
We're ALL defining someone else when we say
"be clean and sober ... or be someplace else."
But we have the RIGHT to.
She's not trying to tell him HOW to be...
she's telling him what she's NOT seeing.
And bottom line, what she'snot seeing -
is recovery.
She (you) are not obligated to live in hell
in any way shape or form
of anyone else's making
only your own.
I think your writing shows appropriate growth and progress and I'm so
FLIPPIN PROUD of you.
Sad WITh you, of course....
but the simple truth you can't quite see today
is the size of the door you're opening
for a larger, brighter, happier life
to come streaming in.
You are at a place where you HAVE to move, hon
I can feel it in your writing.
Staying with someone half-clean
is not moving forward.
But you know that.
I'm so happy for you!!!!!!
same planet...different world
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Butte, America
Posts: 10,946
I had a cat I loved very much
but I developed an allergy to long haired cats.
And I had to let her go.
It would be foolish to keep the cat
when she was making me sick.
... just a bit of an analogy there.
And ps -
When I'm Spiritually fit -
it would never be necessary for me to
tell someone else I'm more spiritual than they are.
so I think that statement is a lie.
but I developed an allergy to long haired cats.
And I had to let her go.
It would be foolish to keep the cat
when she was making me sick.
... just a bit of an analogy there.
And ps -
When I'm Spiritually fit -
it would never be necessary for me to
tell someone else I'm more spiritual than they are.
so I think that statement is a lie.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 97
Coffeedrinker,
It seems to me that any of us who see the addicts we love struggle with recovery would hope that they would really commit to 12 steps at some point. It's effective. It's like wanting chemo for your cancer, right?
I don't know. It just seems really understandable to me that you would hope for that. And tell him so.
But maybe the only thing that matters is whether you want to be with him as he is?
Also, a question:
You wrote this: "If it's just a control issue - and I do realize that there is that component intertwined in this - then what would be the "right way" to express that I need to move on for me?"
Did you mean the right way to let him know you want to end the relationship?
1234
It seems to me that any of us who see the addicts we love struggle with recovery would hope that they would really commit to 12 steps at some point. It's effective. It's like wanting chemo for your cancer, right?
I don't know. It just seems really understandable to me that you would hope for that. And tell him so.
But maybe the only thing that matters is whether you want to be with him as he is?
Also, a question:
You wrote this: "If it's just a control issue - and I do realize that there is that component intertwined in this - then what would be the "right way" to express that I need to move on for me?"
Did you mean the right way to let him know you want to end the relationship?
1234
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
For me, it always goes back to motivation. If my motivation for my actions is to change someone else, then I have to look deeper and examine whether I am trying to control another or an outcome. But if my motivation is to address my needs, my growth, my own sense of emotional and spiritual health, then I usually feel comfortable even when the situation itself may be difficult or painful.
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