Following through, knot in stomach
Member
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Florida
Posts: 220
In 2006, when my XAH was going down hill, I made some postings here on SR that really helped me get my thoughts together. I was the one living in limbo back then. I want to quote a few lines from my own experience.
Each time he would have a bad spell and go one step deeper into addiction, I would understand and forgive and move my boundary one step deeper too. It happened so gradually that I really didn't notice it. I had forgiven so many times. I had moved my boundary so many times. I had learned to love "in spite of" so many times that one day I woke up and noticed that my love had, indeed, turned to hatred, but it wasn't him that I hated.........it was me!
By constantly thinking that if I "just tried harder" I could overcome each obstacle that addiction put in the way of respect and trust, I ended up bending every rule I believed in, putting up with things that disgusted and humiliated me, and living in absolute gut-wrenching fear. And I called it love!
I have long since forgiven my husband for his inability to break free from the only thing that has ever made him feel good. It is me that I have to learn to forgive. It is me that I need to learn to love again. It is my dignity that is on the line here, not his. I am fighting for my life.
That is why I have had to search my motives so thoroughly. That is why I have had to finally set my boundary and stick to it. That is why I finally had to turn my sights inward and take care of me regardless of how he perceived it....because I had degraded myself more in the name of love and forgiveness than he had in the name of drugs.
4 years ago, I was living as you are living. Still holding on. Still hoping. Still needing him.
My going through all that did not change him at all.......it only changed ME!
Babs
Each time he would have a bad spell and go one step deeper into addiction, I would understand and forgive and move my boundary one step deeper too. It happened so gradually that I really didn't notice it. I had forgiven so many times. I had moved my boundary so many times. I had learned to love "in spite of" so many times that one day I woke up and noticed that my love had, indeed, turned to hatred, but it wasn't him that I hated.........it was me!
By constantly thinking that if I "just tried harder" I could overcome each obstacle that addiction put in the way of respect and trust, I ended up bending every rule I believed in, putting up with things that disgusted and humiliated me, and living in absolute gut-wrenching fear. And I called it love!
I have long since forgiven my husband for his inability to break free from the only thing that has ever made him feel good. It is me that I have to learn to forgive. It is me that I need to learn to love again. It is my dignity that is on the line here, not his. I am fighting for my life.
That is why I have had to search my motives so thoroughly. That is why I have had to finally set my boundary and stick to it. That is why I finally had to turn my sights inward and take care of me regardless of how he perceived it....because I had degraded myself more in the name of love and forgiveness than he had in the name of drugs.
4 years ago, I was living as you are living. Still holding on. Still hoping. Still needing him.
My going through all that did not change him at all.......it only changed ME!
Babs
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