EverettsWife

So a few weeks ago -- maybe a little longer -- I quietly, calmly told my AH (Ritalin/benzo abuser) that to the best I was able to determine, the house was "clean." He agreed that it was. (For what that's worth.) And that from now on, since we'd both agreed that the house is a drug-free zone, any alcohol or drug-related items (including empty drug baggies) in the house indicate active use. I wasn't even going to ask about them. And I will not spend my time with someone who is choosing to use.

I've started writing on my own calendar when these items pop up, so that I won't be able to kid myself about the frequency. And I told him that if the frequency made me uncomfortable, I'd remove myself. Temporarily at first. And that if anyone else was around during that time, I wouldn't lie about why if asked. (Our kids are all young adults, or nearly so -- stepdaughter is 17, and only lives with us two weeks at a time.)

So far, I've removed myself for only one night -- informed him I'd prefer to be alone, watched whatever I wanted on family room TV, then went to bed in college daughter's empty room.

I'm going to have to do it again -- maybe for longer, I don't know. But this time my SD is in the house, which makes it awkward. All I am going on is empty baggies hidden in socks in the laundry (he must have known I'd do the wash?!?!) but I know in my head that means he's using. Along with other small behavioral clues.

I don't want to make a big deal out of it -- or involve SD if not necessary. But right now I'm really pissed off that this continues , and I'm determined to carry out my own plans. Even so, my stomach's in knots and I'm fighting off the angry me that wants to just call or text to tell him off. I won't. He'll just get defensive, make excuses, and then apologize later. It does no one any good.

But part of me sure wants to tell him how his actions affect others besides himself. No quiet evening at home watching "Lost" with my husband for me tonight, the way we usually do. I'll be alone -- so I feel like I'm being punished for something I didn't even do!

All I can do right now is keep my distance. I can't move out entirely at this point -- but I can at least move to another room, and insist on some space. I'll try to go out with a friend tomorrow night. I just wish my stomach would stop hurting.

Does this cycle ever end with anything other the non-addict having to decide to leave? That choice will cause such personal, professional and financial pain to me that it's always seemed unimaginable compared to the relatively low level of AH's drug abuse -- but over the long term, the lies and lack of trust are adding up. It would be an easier decision if he went off the deep end and quit trying at all -- but this living in limbo really sucks.

outtolunch

Guess if he went off the deep end, then you might nor have to set boundaries or make decisions. Life in limbo is a choice. Your choice.

EverettsWife

I do set boundaries and make decisions. Some are just harder than others. The "Everett" in my name here isn't HIS name -- it's our name for who he is when he is clean. Here it is a reminder to me of what I want -- and whether or not I have it. Or will have to find it another way.

As for alone this evening, it's not "and ..." -- it's about losing something I was looking forward to. And ... nothing. I'll do something else. Doesn't mean I'm not bummed things didn't go as I'd hoped. Same as if a picnic gets rained out and I am disappointed but make other plans. Not my fault it rained -- still sux to miss the picnic but maybe I'll enjoy a movie instead.

Chino

Your boundaries and decisions are what have you in limbo. If you want out of limbo, you'll have to modify them because he isn't modifying his stuff.

Yes, it sucks!

coffeedrinker

I think the cycle ends with the non-addict deciding to leave, or the addict escalating and ending up in prison. Or O.D. death.
I guess I wonder how else it would? Does he have a real motivation to stop doing what he is doing? It would seem not.

Mrs. Everett,

He does not see things the way that you do. He simply does not.

I think the second quoted sentence tells the tale of why you are choosing to live this way, and possibly minimizing the awful-ness of it. It is extremely painful to make plans to leave. Which is why it's so darned hard.

sofacat

I can totally relate to this.

When my XAH was using "jammed" I would find myself hibernating in my room to watch tv or get on my laptop in there. I would try to relax....but I just ended up fuming instead.

This went on for years. Became such a habit of my own, that I would retreat to another room even when he wasn't high. I was lonely even when He was here.

After 10 years, I decided I had had enough. My home is the ONE place in the world that I want to feel safe and at peace in. I work hard enough to pay for it, and hard enough to keep it nice, why shouldn't I be happy here?

Eventully I got so tired of working around his stuff...and not hard enough on my own.

At some point you will grow tired of this too, and make the changes you need for your life to be in balance.

BTW~ LOST was really good tonight!

suki44883

That's really what it all boils down to. When you've had enough, you will do whatever is necessary to get out of the situation. Until then, you'll keep hanging in there hoping things will get better.

Callie

Does this cycle ever end with anything other the non-addict having to decide to leave? That choice will cause such personal, professional and financial pain to me that it's always seemed unimaginable compared to the relatively low level of AH's drug abuse -- but over the long term, the lies and lack of trust are adding up. It would be an easier decision if he went off the deep end and quit trying at all -- but this living in limbo really sucks

I lived like this for YEARS! The thing is though is as their drug abuse progresses, what we tolerate as codies becomes more and more and more. 5 years ago I would have NEVER, EVER thought I'd tolerate what I did. But guess what, I did. Inch by inch his addiction feeded my codieness and things got worse and worse and worse. What I said I would never deal with...I did. I lived in 'limbo' for a long darn time. It wasn't really limbo though. We both progressed in our sickness...

My AH is now on heroin. I am disgusted, repulsed, sickened. For ME that is a boundary that I would never have allowed to be crossed. For ME pills were the 'higher class' route in drug addiction. My AH went to heroin after he could no longer afford the high $ oxy's because his habit got out of control. As a codie I lowered 'MY BAR" inch by inch until I accepted/tolerated/let slide by what I would have NEVER EVER done initially.

outtolunch

Our team has this in common with addicts, that it's not that bad, inch by inch....

EverettsWife

Thanks, Callie. I think this is part of why I'm struggling, though. I haven't been lowering the bar in that way -- maybe in other ways, idk. My AH has actually gotten much, much better in the past couple of years -- though I know (and he knows) that if he doesn't STOP the disease will continue to progress and he'll slide back down into the pit.

That's what I mean by limbo -- he's made progress, I've made progress. But neither of us is yet living in a healthy balance. It's tough for me to contemplate calling it quits now over relatively minor use, compared to two years ago. But I know that if it doesn't stop, it'll get back to that point eventually. And I know I don't want to be around for that particular backslide. Been there. Not going back.

EverettsWife

I did something similar, anvilhead. I cleaned out my daughter's room -- she's away at college -- and made space for me. It gives me a temporary place to "move out" to. I'm not yet ready to throw out this marriage over this kind of use -- but I will not spend time with him till I believe he's been truly clean a few days. If I'd found a stash of Rits or a pile of prescriptions, I'd be making move-out plans, or insisting that he move out.

As it stands right now (and I posted some of this in the "collateral damage" thread), he took action on his own to cut off his access to money. He moved some early inheritance money his father recently gave him to an account I have full access to -- effectively cutting off any secrecy. So if he takes that money for drugs, I'll know. And he knows that will end it.

He also was truly honest when we talked. None of the usual games, none of the usual tricks to make me feel bad or crazy. No trying to figure out what I knew before he admitted to anything. No pity party. Just honest. I recognize it when I see it -- which is rare -- the same way I recognize the stalling and the dodging and the word games and the lies.

So as of now, I'm spending time with myself, with my friends, with my stepdaughter. He is responsible for his own dinner, his own time, etc. I am not hiding out in my daughter's room -- though I sleep there -- I am watching TV in the family room, or enjoying myself in the kitchen. I go out with friends. If he stays clean, and continues to show me with actions in addition to the words (which often mean little) that he's working on building a life for us both, then we'll try again. If he can't, then I'll have to undertake the messy business of disentangling our lives.

I'm still angry -- I still feel betrayed. I still have fear. But none of that is running my life. Not right now, anyway.

Thanks for listening.

Carol Star

My therapist said my integrity got me out. Finally. I went through the stages.......anger....denial....bargin.....accepta nce.....I am forgetting one........OH.....is it grief / sadness? Anyway I finally stayed in acceptance. I had to downsize but it is fine. It is much better than having to live with addiction, lying, secrets, worrying, I am being true to myself. You will be ready when you are ready.

EverettsWife

I accept that I may have to leave -- and soon. I really do. And I've taken steps to clear that path. But -- and I do believe this is from looking at the reality of the situation, not a fantasy -- I also believe that it's possible my AH is working his program and will make choices we both can live with. He's still on a path up, not down. Any movement down that dark path and he'll be going somewhere I can't accompany him. I'm OK with that.

Carol Star, my AH has often commented on my integrity. It is something he loves about me -- and something that makes him feel like crap sometimes. He knows I cannot have a life with someone who buys illegal drugs, or doctor shops, or does other things I'll not go into. It's good to hear it might be something I can count on. Thanks for that.

coffeedrinker

EW,

I think I know where you're at. But I just feel the need to challenge you a little. I think your posts have some contradictions. Let me point out what I think I'm seeing as not matching up:

from now on, since we'd both agreed that the house is a drug-free zone, any alcohol or drug-related items (including empty drug baggies) in the house indicate active use.

ok. so you know that, based on what you found in the sock, there is active use.

though I know (and he knows) that if he doesn't STOP the disease will continue to progress

your choice of words here was "continue to progress". so that tells me that you feel there is progression going on?

but I will not spend time with him till I believe he's been truly clean a few days. If I'd found a stash of Rits or a pile of prescriptions, I'd be making move-out plans, or insisting that he move out.

i was under the impression that he has not been "truly" clean for a few days. you say "if i'd found a stash..." but you also said that finding evidence like a baggie, was indicative of use. confused here.

he took action on his own to cut off his access to money. He moved some early inheritance money his father recently gave him to an account I have full access to -- effectively cutting off any secrecy. So if he takes that money for drugs, I'll know. And he knows that will end it.

i think that moving his money to a place where he still does have access to it, the only difference being that you do as well, is not cutting himself off from it.

I also believe that it's possible my AH is working his program

not sure about the term "program", but if he is using (see above), that's probably not working a program

I cannot have a life with someone who doctor shops, buys illegal drugs, or

how do you define "having a life with"? you are doing things with friends, cutting yourself off from him...is that not having a life w/him? i think you know he is buying illegal drugs...?

it sounds a little like double-speak

EverettsWife

By "have a life" I mean a marriage that lasts. A marriage not mired in drug worries. If he's working toward that, too, we have a chance. I'm trying to work on my part of it -- and I'm not perfect at it. I don't expect perfection from him, either -- but we do both need to at least be really trying.

Thanks for taking the time to ask me to think about what I want.

coffeedrinker

I totally understand being "ok" with a minimal amount of drug use. I have read some posts recently that talk about continuously lowering the bar to try and stay in the relationship. Just keep trying to be honest with yourself, and keep your bullsh+t detector turned on. My feeling is that it spirals. If he is an addict, he will not be able to maintain this low-level use for long. Be smart, make a plan.

EverettsWife

Thanks, coffeedrinker. I'm looking at it as raising the bar -- things that used to be OK no longer are. And every month or two, the bar goes higher -- for both of us. I must raise it for myself, too -- less codie behavior is acceptable on my part, just like less drug use is acceptable on his part.

We are at the point where we agree that we both want to share a life where drug abuse is not an option. He is fully aware and fully accepts that he is not able to just "dabble" a bit by using a benzo here and there, or allowing himself a "treat" of a few Ritalins. It will escalate. And it brings dishonesty into our marriage. I am fully aware and accept that I cannot tolerate life with someone who uses and lies about it. I deserve better.

Can he do it? I don't know. As of this morning, the pain of staying is less than the turmoil of leaving -- but that's just as of this morning. If the balance tips, I have other arrangements in the works. But today is not the day -- he's with his sponsor right now, I went to my Al-Anon meeting yesterday. We're both moving forward, not back. I'm OK with moving forward, even if there's a bump or two along the way. As long as we're moving forward. I will NOT step back.

I think it's the possibility of having to learn to live more in the moment, and less with fears from the past, that's the toughest for me right now. I know that if it all goes to hell and I have to leave, at least I'll find peace once the messy dust settles. But if he gets clean, truly clean, I'll have to find a way to trust and live in the now, not the past. I don't know how to do that yet.

I'd love to hear from someone who's gone down that road -- how do you get past the past, so to speak???

megan09

He is not working a program if he is still using and being deceitful. He falls at step 1! Recovery is abstaining from all chemicals; and as an addict myself in recovery (real recovery) if I could control my drug and alcohol intake then I would not be an addict! Addiction is a disease that cannot be controlled; this is the insanity of it, that people will try and try to do this - but we cannot 'cut down', this is wishful thinking on the part of the addict AND those who love us - denial really on both sides. Hugs to you.

Carol Star

"Code survives because of denial that continues to nurture its existance." Daily Strength (a code site)

ThatLittleGirl

Yes, yes, yes to everything you have said; I could have written a majority of your post. My husband is an active addict; although he would deny it. At this point, if he is using is relatively minor compared to his previous usage...but to me he either is active or he's recovering... I read a post that said the concept of relapse, after relapse, after relapse is a misnomer...there was probably no recovery to begin with; I agree. I don't think my husband has been in recovery for years.

He is living in our guest bedroom...has been since August... He's DOC is opiates...but he'll take most anything...of course including benzo's... So, my point is...I am following the responses here like glue because I so understand this state of limbo. But I am waking up to the realization that I am not living.

If I am constantly looking around the corner...if my insecurities keep me up at night...if I cannot take a deep breath without feeling a knot in the pit of my stomach...I am not living. I think I am in the "grief" stage at this point...lamenting the life I was "supposed" to have. My AD and I went to grad school together; we were not "supposed" to have this life. I left my job at the end of the year to be a SAHM to my wonderful daughters...and on, and on, and on. The reality is, it's not going to happen the way I planned...so I'm grieving that loss now. I have to let it go...it's killing me to keep hanging on so tightly. I think once I can let it go...I can move on to acceptance...because ultimately I want to live life...I don't want to hide out in my bedroom...reading books to escape the reality of my situation. I want to interact with my children; really laugh with them...not forced. I want to live, and I'm just not right now...because I am allowing myself to sit in this limbo until I make a decision.

I will keep working my steps and when I know that I know that I know...I'll move on to the next step and sell the house...probably move in with my parents temporarily...start a new path forward... When the need to get out from under this weight is great enough...that's the decision I will ultimately need to make...for myself and for my children.

Thanks for posting...your words are helpful to me...to help me to see I'm not alone...and how others manage similar situations!