relationship prior to recovery
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 63
relationship prior to recovery
Hello, I'm new on here and came across this forum today. I just want to say I'm really glad I did, it's exactly what I needed. Let me explain a little about my situation- my boyfriend and I had been dating a year before I found out he was an addict. He's been an addict for 8 years and I didn't know it, I'd known him a few years but we didn't talk much during that time. I'm not an addict or mess with drugs or anything like that nor have I grown up around any. Clean, sober person. I was shocked when I found out he was a drug addict because I had no idea and I'd never dealt with anyone personally like that. I didn't know what to do so I broke up with him. He went into rehab for 4 months and got out 2 months ago.
I couldn't help thinking that everything would be fine and we could work through it. I got back with him the second day he was out of rehab and we were together 2 months. He recently had a relapse and I broke up with him again thinking that he needs to focus on himself and not a relationship right now.
The problem is he thinks that if I loved him like he loved me I'd stay with him and we'd work through things. I know they tell recovering addicts to stay out of relationships for at least a year, I've read that in many places on this forum : ) thanks for that, that was a reminder I needed.
I've read a lot of posts about people who MEET recovering addicts and get with them. My question is- what about a sober person who was with an addict and then becomes a recovering addict, is it the same rule that even though you were together you should still let that person have a year to themself? I feel like that, I think less damage would be done that way and we'd hurt each other less. I just don't know how to explain it to him. He thinks the rule is different since we were together prior to him going into rehab. What do you think about that? Is there a way I can explain it to him? I'm only 22 and I don't know if I'm ready or can handle that much stress in my life, I'm still young and have so much to figure out- school, career.
Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated. Thank you
I couldn't help thinking that everything would be fine and we could work through it. I got back with him the second day he was out of rehab and we were together 2 months. He recently had a relapse and I broke up with him again thinking that he needs to focus on himself and not a relationship right now.
The problem is he thinks that if I loved him like he loved me I'd stay with him and we'd work through things. I know they tell recovering addicts to stay out of relationships for at least a year, I've read that in many places on this forum : ) thanks for that, that was a reminder I needed.
I've read a lot of posts about people who MEET recovering addicts and get with them. My question is- what about a sober person who was with an addict and then becomes a recovering addict, is it the same rule that even though you were together you should still let that person have a year to themself? I feel like that, I think less damage would be done that way and we'd hurt each other less. I just don't know how to explain it to him. He thinks the rule is different since we were together prior to him going into rehab. What do you think about that? Is there a way I can explain it to him? I'm only 22 and I don't know if I'm ready or can handle that much stress in my life, I'm still young and have so much to figure out- school, career.
Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated. Thank you
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 126
My perspective is a little different because I was married to someone that became an addict. When he left rehab his counselor suggested he spend a few months in a sober house and me and my son could visit. He decided not to do that and 1 year later we are now split up. It wasn't easy being with someone who was in recovery. We are now separated and maybe going to go to counseling, but in the process of getting a divorce. I can't say that it is the right or wrong thing for someone to give a year break that is already in a relationship, but you are young and you seem to be having your doubts. Taking on the life of a significant other/spouse of an addict or a recovering addict is tough. If you are having doubts follow your heart!
Restoring myself to sanity
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Georgia
Posts: 1,018
Hi Soleus and welcome to SR..
I guess it depends on the situation.. If you're married to an addict, then having no contact with your spouse for a whole entire year might not be the most feasable (sp?) option. This is why groups such as alanon and naranon exist so that spouses and loved one's can have support and work on their own recovery.
Sweetie, you are still so young and you have the world by it's tail right now. I can sense in your post that you care about this guy but you are unsure if you want to continue a relationship with someone who abuses drugs.. and you are right to feel this way.
Hon, you are only 22 years old, there will be plenty of other guys and plenty of time to settle down into a relationship with a wonderful person. Right now you should be focusing on you and what you want out of life.. you mention school and a career and these things are what you should be working on right now. Go after these things now while you are young and while you have no children to worry about and have no other responsiblites other then what you owe yourself.
I can't tell you whether to stay in this relationship or leave because that decision is up to you and you alone. However as a wife of an addict I would not walk but run so fast and far away from this man and never look back. Your BF has been an addict for 8 years and he has already relapsed after being out of rehab for a short while.. this does not sound like someone who is working a successful recovery program, it sounds like someone who is still in active addiction. The longer you stay in a relationship with the man the more involved you will be in this addiction. Pretty soon his addiction will over take the importance of your school and the future that you have mapped out for yourself.
Like I said, if I had to do it all over again, I would have walked away from my AH at hello. When you are involved with an addict and even a newly recovering addict, it always gets worse before it gets better..
Good luck to you and please keep reading on this board.. you will gain much knowledge and much support in whatever decision you make.
My question is- what about a sober person who was with an addict and then becomes a recovering addict, is it the same rule that even though you were together you should still let that person have a year to themself?
I'm only 22 and I don't know if I'm ready or can handle that much stress in my life, I'm still young and have so much to figure out- school, career.
Hon, you are only 22 years old, there will be plenty of other guys and plenty of time to settle down into a relationship with a wonderful person. Right now you should be focusing on you and what you want out of life.. you mention school and a career and these things are what you should be working on right now. Go after these things now while you are young and while you have no children to worry about and have no other responsiblites other then what you owe yourself.
I can't tell you whether to stay in this relationship or leave because that decision is up to you and you alone. However as a wife of an addict I would not walk but run so fast and far away from this man and never look back. Your BF has been an addict for 8 years and he has already relapsed after being out of rehab for a short while.. this does not sound like someone who is working a successful recovery program, it sounds like someone who is still in active addiction. The longer you stay in a relationship with the man the more involved you will be in this addiction. Pretty soon his addiction will over take the importance of your school and the future that you have mapped out for yourself.
Like I said, if I had to do it all over again, I would have walked away from my AH at hello. When you are involved with an addict and even a newly recovering addict, it always gets worse before it gets better..
Good luck to you and please keep reading on this board.. you will gain much knowledge and much support in whatever decision you make.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Houston, TX
Posts: 2,126
1) "...I couldn't help thinking that everything would be fine and we could work through it. I got back with him the second day he was out of rehab and we were together 2 months. He recently had a relapse and I broke up with him again thinking that he needs to focus on himself and not a relationship right now..."
2) " The problem is he thinks that if I loved him like he loved me I'd stay with him and we'd work through things. I know they tell recovering addicts to stay out of relationships for at least a year, I've read that in many places on this forum..."
3) "...My question is- what about a sober person who was with an addict and then becomes a recovering addict, is it the same rule that even though you were together you should still let that person have a year to themself?..."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Regarding parts of #'s 2+3....'they' don't tell newcomers to recovery to stay out of relationships for at least a year.....there really is no 'rule' to (also) leave a relationship if one is already in one.
The rule of thumb, as it started out years ago was.....: no major changes in early recovery. Since relationships can be tough in the beginning (could even be seen as 'major' changes for some--from single to couple), and early recovery can also be very tough, many folks just changed the 'no major changes in early recovery' to 'no new relationships in the first year.'
Note that this says no NEW relationships..... (o: Now, breaking up/leaving relationships can also be seen as tough, the rule of thumb that I've observed in my journey of recovery regarding this is that most folks stuck with their S/O's, of course, sometimes not; depending on how much had been invested in the relationship.
You say you've only known this person for a few years, dating (sic) for only the past year (+/-) before you learned he was an addict.....Well, you've been given some really good suggestions from others here, no need for me to add anything.......except perhaps, you might want to scroll up and read #1 above; this is how your life will go, getting worse and worse, of course, as the addictions continues..........unless he really gets into recovery.....
.....and oh, BTW, don't buy into his manipulating BS.....: '...he thinks that if I loved him like he loved me I'd stay with him and we'd work through things...' (from #2 above). He needs to 'work thru things (his things), to work on him and his addiction, after which there might be a 'two of you' ----- who knows...........?
NoelleR
2) " The problem is he thinks that if I loved him like he loved me I'd stay with him and we'd work through things. I know they tell recovering addicts to stay out of relationships for at least a year, I've read that in many places on this forum..."
3) "...My question is- what about a sober person who was with an addict and then becomes a recovering addict, is it the same rule that even though you were together you should still let that person have a year to themself?..."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Regarding parts of #'s 2+3....'they' don't tell newcomers to recovery to stay out of relationships for at least a year.....there really is no 'rule' to (also) leave a relationship if one is already in one.
The rule of thumb, as it started out years ago was.....: no major changes in early recovery. Since relationships can be tough in the beginning (could even be seen as 'major' changes for some--from single to couple), and early recovery can also be very tough, many folks just changed the 'no major changes in early recovery' to 'no new relationships in the first year.'
Note that this says no NEW relationships..... (o: Now, breaking up/leaving relationships can also be seen as tough, the rule of thumb that I've observed in my journey of recovery regarding this is that most folks stuck with their S/O's, of course, sometimes not; depending on how much had been invested in the relationship.
You say you've only known this person for a few years, dating (sic) for only the past year (+/-) before you learned he was an addict.....Well, you've been given some really good suggestions from others here, no need for me to add anything.......except perhaps, you might want to scroll up and read #1 above; this is how your life will go, getting worse and worse, of course, as the addictions continues..........unless he really gets into recovery.....
.....and oh, BTW, don't buy into his manipulating BS.....: '...he thinks that if I loved him like he loved me I'd stay with him and we'd work through things...' (from #2 above). He needs to 'work thru things (his things), to work on him and his addiction, after which there might be a 'two of you' ----- who knows...........?
NoelleR
grateful rca
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
Posts: 4,671
hi, welcome to sr. i agree with you, you are so young and have your whole life ahead of you. i was married to an addict for 24yrs. like you, i didn't found out that he was an addict until a few yrs later. i married my addict against the advice of everyone we both knew and the next 21yrs trying to cope with his addiction was pure he''. after 21yrs of waiting and trying to be there for him, i had to walk away. his addiction was literally driving me insane.
i too am a recovering addict. been to rehab quite a few times. rehab is not a cure all, and relapse can happen at any time, for any reason and last for any lenght of time. you can never love him enough to make him want to stay clean. unless your bf gets serious about his recovery, which is a life long process, his addiction will get progressively worse.
since you have so much to look forward to, i want to suggest that you RUN AS FAST AS YOUR FEET CAN CARRY YOU, but the choice is yours. addiction is a very hard, painful and lonely life to live. i can pray that you choose to walk away, i don't want to see no one suffer the way i have.
btw, it is suggested in rehab that you take at least a yr before starting a relationship. imo, you do have to right idea. let him focus on his recovery while you focus on you and what you need to do for yourself. you both are in my prayers.
i too am a recovering addict. been to rehab quite a few times. rehab is not a cure all, and relapse can happen at any time, for any reason and last for any lenght of time. you can never love him enough to make him want to stay clean. unless your bf gets serious about his recovery, which is a life long process, his addiction will get progressively worse.
since you have so much to look forward to, i want to suggest that you RUN AS FAST AS YOUR FEET CAN CARRY YOU, but the choice is yours. addiction is a very hard, painful and lonely life to live. i can pray that you choose to walk away, i don't want to see no one suffer the way i have.
btw, it is suggested in rehab that you take at least a yr before starting a relationship. imo, you do have to right idea. let him focus on his recovery while you focus on you and what you need to do for yourself. you both are in my prayers.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 63
Thank you
Thank you everyone for your thoughts and advice. I sort of know it's the right thing to be with him, I really do care about him though. We were truly madly in love. Honestly though- we had our problems and I often wonder how much of it was me really loving him and how much was him manipulating me into it. He's a great talker and I remember him saying things that would make me want to be with him- "you'll never find another person like me; I don't have much to offer you but my love and I'll love you like no one else can; you make me so happy I've never felt this way with another person before; we're so lucky we have each other and don't have problems like this person or that" etc. etc. So sometimes I feel like his repetition aided in my burning love for him.
I understand that relapse happens, that it happens to a lot of people who come out of recovery so I'm not mad that it happened, just dissapointed. He made it clear from the beginning that he was different, that he knew what he had to do in life and that he was trying to take the right steps. His relapse just made me realize how dangerously close I was getting to setting myself up for hurt.
I've taken the past couple weeks away from him, no communicating or seeing him. He called me everyday and emailed me but I never responded. I honestly knew that if I stayed in touch with him he'd some how rope me back in, and it happened each time I listened to my voicemail and read my email. Its hardest knowing this is the right thing to do when hearing his voice, when he says that one day I'll realize what I lost with him and it'll be too late. He's putting the guilt trip on me and I know it. My whole attitude could change with one pitiful email or voice mail. My friends would often remind me- you can find someone else who loves you without the baggage and problems. He'll never be able to love you all that you deserve.
This is all the hardest part, figuring out about love and how much of love means giving up yourself for someone else.
I understand that relapse happens, that it happens to a lot of people who come out of recovery so I'm not mad that it happened, just dissapointed. He made it clear from the beginning that he was different, that he knew what he had to do in life and that he was trying to take the right steps. His relapse just made me realize how dangerously close I was getting to setting myself up for hurt.
I've taken the past couple weeks away from him, no communicating or seeing him. He called me everyday and emailed me but I never responded. I honestly knew that if I stayed in touch with him he'd some how rope me back in, and it happened each time I listened to my voicemail and read my email. Its hardest knowing this is the right thing to do when hearing his voice, when he says that one day I'll realize what I lost with him and it'll be too late. He's putting the guilt trip on me and I know it. My whole attitude could change with one pitiful email or voice mail. My friends would often remind me- you can find someone else who loves you without the baggage and problems. He'll never be able to love you all that you deserve.
This is all the hardest part, figuring out about love and how much of love means giving up yourself for someone else.
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