liesagain

good for you sofa, told you ............My recovery wasnt showing but my vindictive side was
glad your recovery is showing..........

CrackQuack

Laws do vary state to state, but not much. He has to prove he bought the ring. Most of us addicts, in active addiction, we don't keep great records. He has to prove it was given conditioned upon marriage/engagement/etc. and that you broke off the engagement/marriage. Usually, wedding rings are conditional gifts and must be returned if the man gave the ring to the woman and SHE broke it off. Some states simply say it's a gift, period.
Any other reason that he may have given it to you, like JUST for your birthday, then the courts will side with you. It was given to you as a gift. He would have to take you to small claims, which means he has to pay a filing fee. What active addict wants to waste 30-100 bucks filing in small claims? That's money for drugs! He also has to prove you said you'd give it back, that it was a conditional gift, etc. etc.. You know?
Anyway, if it was given as a birthday gift, it IS yours to do with. Keep it. Sell it. Hide it. Whatever.
And if it comes to court, bring proof of his active addiction. Or at least voice concerns about it. Bring proof of his previous rehab experience and any GOOD judge will see straight through him and not make you give it back. They cannot make you give it back if it's given as a gift, period.
Don't give in and don't give up. If you want to keep the ring, even if it's simply to keep him from selling it for drugs, start calling the cops asap for his harassing texts and calls. Start making a paper trail NOW.
And remember, a gift is a gift. No matter what his attorney friend says. No court will force you to return a gift. *HUGS*

suki44883

She seems to be okay with returning the ring and has plans to buy one of her own. If that's all it takes to be rid of him, I think she's making a wise decision.

CrackQuack

That's fine. I was just offering advice and whatnot for keeping the ring, because it seemed like she was dead set against it because she stated that returning it -could- finance his addiction as he'd sell it and then buy drugs, or did I misread this?
If so, I apologize. Just trying to help. I've had a bad day anyway and am just grateful I did not use.

liesagain

hello quack..............I'm glad you didnt use today too!!!

one day at a time.........congrats on another day

sofacat

Hey Quack....I appreciate the advice, I really do. I'm kind of stuck here. I had this fantasy that I would meet up with Him today and tell Him I would go with Him to sell the ring, if he puts it towards Rehab. Then He can stay as long as He needs without having to worry about the money. I would rather that than Him blow it on drugs. I mean, if he's gonna get the ring back, I would love to see Him do something positive with it.

Now, mind you I started this by saying FANTASY.....an I realize if I do that, I would be getting involved in his addiction again. And that's His own business now. I still have to keep reminding myself of that. Ain't easy when the ones you love are lost.

It sounded nice in my head though.

I'll let you guys know what I do with it.

and Quack, way to go on stayin' sober!

coffeedrinker

I do understand that you may end up giving the ring back because you just want to be over and done with him and all the bs, plus, if you're like me, you just wanna take the high road - do the right thing, even if others around you do not. however, i also know that i would feel that he really owed it to me, and because it wouldn't be right on his part to ask for it back, i just might dig my heels in over it. in the end, it doesn't much matter. if he uses the money to score, well, he would have found other money to score with if not the ring money. and if he does, well, one more thing he has inside his head to feel bad about later - when he IS in recovery - to realize how many many things he ruined while using. and that's not vindictive on my part - it's believing that when they get sober, if they see all they have lost it helps to keep them on the path of sobriety.

i think the conversation he had with his old counselor is very telling. it really says it all, sofa. i understand your fantasy, and thank you for posting it. we do get delusional too, don't we?

cessy68

Don't even think for one second about giving that ring back...........

In haste one day, (many years ago), I threw my engagement ring at my ex. (non addict).......

I felt like "here.... you want it, take it".

Hindsight is 20/20.

I still get pi**** that I did that... It was a gift, and it was mine. Never again. That ring was probably worth 5 grand... at least. Either way, it shoulda been mine to do with it what I wanted.

Same goes for you!!

love,
Cess

sofacat

we do get delusional too, don't we?

We sure do. You know there are a million and one reasons in my mind why I can justify that he doesn't deserve the ring back. And a million and one reasons why I deserve to keep it. He gave it to Me as a gift.

When we started dating 10 years ago, He knew I wasn't interested in EVER getting legally married. I'm kind of like Goldie Hawn that way. Over the years, he started seeing it the way I did...and realized it's not the papers that keep you in a relationship (high divorce rates to prove that one) but how you treat one another and commit yourselves to each other that matters. Well, to us anyway. I never looked at Him in any other way than my Husband. And Lord only knows I was committed to Him that way....especially the sickness and health part.

Having said that...he did know that I always wanted a ring. Just a ring....and he gave Me that on my 40th B Day 2 years ago.

Now he's treating it as some sort of "Contract" that has been broken. I am no ones property, and not "contracted" to any other human being. Especially an active A.
So, now he's taken all the fun and beauty out of it for Me.

I don't even wear it anymore.

I suppose by not giving it back, I am still trying to meddle in his affairs. And also in a way, I feel like once again, he's taking advantage of Me. I do. (no pun)

So, I am conflicted still...and getting rid of it will purge Me of the conflict and allow Me to just focus on the things I need to focus on for Me. After all, it's just "stuff" we're talking about, right?

I dunno, I'm still a little too p!ssed at the moment to make any rational decisions....but I feel like I am moving in a healthier direction.

But coffee...I'm trying to resist the urge to "dig my heels in".....He is in his own Hell right now, and doesn't need me to make things worse for Him, he's doing a fine job all by himself.

And like I said before, and agree with You too....
If he's lucky enough to live to see Rehab, he's gonna feel pretty bad about all the sh!t he's pulled on Me.

That's his to live with.

Did I mention that I hate drugs? Urgh!

liesagain

Sofa, You have lots of advice here and you'll figure out whats best for you----- but the best thing is you dont have to make a decision today.........

suki44883

Well, you're going to do whatever it is you really want to do, but I believe your decision to just give the ring back and buy your own is the wisest one. Being fearful that he'll sell the ring to buy drugs is you still trying to control the situation. He's going to do whatever he is going to do, and if returning the ring that means nothing to you anymore is all it takes to make him go away, it is a very small price to pay.

NeedingHelp7

Sofa, I know you will make the right decision concerning the ring. But for now, it is said, "when you don't know what to do, do nothing." You will know when you know.

If he goes to Iraq, it isn't over once he gets there. It will be known and seen, believe me.

Let Go, Let God.

Huggz,
NH7

sofacat

I came to the discovery today that I really am not interested in keeping it at all, nor am I concerned with what He does with it.
No bitterness, no anger...I have made peace with myself and am okay with everything.

I have made a few discoveries about myself today and I realize I have a LONG way to go before I can be involved with another person. Mr. Sofa included. Been re reading the Chapters in CNM and have made a few more discoveries about myself. One being....I have a broken picker.

He's just another chapter.

I have officially let go. Well at least for today

I will return the ring, no questions asked. What he does with it I cannot control, nor is it my concern anymore. I am actually looking forward to releasing it. I think it will be very cathartic.

It's what is best for Me.

Thanks everyone.

suki44883

:ghug3

coffeedrinker

so do i.


aahhhh...breathe, just breathe

Teggie

I'm glad you made a decision that feels right to you and is going to be best for you.

It takes alot to go the higher road.

I think maybye I'm still swimming to the surface but I'm getting there.

You are doing so good hun! And guess what? my picker is broken too! Big time!

Hugs,

Teggie

sofacat

Thanks Teggie....

we're all gettin' there...one foot in front of the other, right? So thankful for SR and you all!!!!!!!

You said...my picker is broken too! Big time!

I Googled one of my XABF's names yesterday just to see how he ended up.
Was going through the inventory of toxic relationships.
He was THE WORST, most dangerous for Me, by far.

Turns out He was on trial last month for rape and assault charges.
eeeeeeeeeek!
And try not to laugh here, but when I looked at his mug shot...I looked at his pupils and they were TINY TINY! LOL!!!! Old habits die hard!

Glad I made it out of THAT one alive....what WAS i thinking?

Still have a long way to go, and will not get into another relationship with
ANYONE for at least a year.

Gotta fix that picker!

EverettsWife

Sofa, maybe your picker is right on target -- sounds like you picked YOU!