Why??
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Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Massachusetts
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Why??
So I have been on here for a while now and decided because my exABF is leaving on March first for pre-deployment that I wanted to see him. I knew that I would probably not see a sober person but I wanted to see him.
I went to his house last night and he seemed fine. He did not appear high or sick but I am also not the best judge of this stuff. I stayed over and he just held me and was very loving and sweet (he always has been, we never fought or called eachother names, except I texted him mean once to which he didnt respond).
I know all this started from us making plans for dinner on Friday (this friday) to say good bye. (I know I dont need to say good bye but I wanted too). I have been talking with his mom a lot and she is amazing and love his family. I also had some issues with my addict sister yesterday which put me in a place of just wanting him to hold me so it could be ok. and it was until this morning.
We watched tv and I knew he had a psychiatrist appointment today at the VA he said he thought it was around 2:30 PM. Well it is around 12:30 PM and he is getting dressed and he said he messed up that his appointment is at 1:30 PM. He calls his dad (which could be true or not but is having a conversation in front of me) asking if he is working in a certain town, his dad responded a different town and he said oh I was seeing if you could pay me for work. (He has been working with his dad), he said to his dad dont worry I will get the money tonight.
So in that moment I knew he was going to ask me for money and I would say no or so I thought until he asked and I said YES... I was like where did that come from. I gave him $100 without a second thought and he said he will pay me tomorrow. I do not even care. I care that I thought I would easily say NO WAY and the words yes came out like I was lending money to a normal person.
I did call my sponsor and talk to her and she said dont beat yourself up. That you care about him, he is leaving and you are not the first person to give money to an addict and hopefully you get the money back.. I am totally beating myself up. Sitting here just waiting for his mom to call so I can tell her my dumb move
I have never given him money before even when he was sober. He has never asked me to borrow money before. He said he needed to put some of it in his moms car as it was on empty. I was like he is probably lying, the car was on empty so what $10 in the tank and the rest on what? I couldnt give him $20, I gave him $100.... Am I brain dead???? And why is the magic number always $100.
All the addicts in my family always asked my mom for $100 my sister, my twin brother and my nephew. Or they would steal exactly $100... I have been surrounded by active heroin addiction for 12 years from my siblings. I know this disease and yet I see just how naive I really am.
I went to his house last night and he seemed fine. He did not appear high or sick but I am also not the best judge of this stuff. I stayed over and he just held me and was very loving and sweet (he always has been, we never fought or called eachother names, except I texted him mean once to which he didnt respond).
I know all this started from us making plans for dinner on Friday (this friday) to say good bye. (I know I dont need to say good bye but I wanted too). I have been talking with his mom a lot and she is amazing and love his family. I also had some issues with my addict sister yesterday which put me in a place of just wanting him to hold me so it could be ok. and it was until this morning.
We watched tv and I knew he had a psychiatrist appointment today at the VA he said he thought it was around 2:30 PM. Well it is around 12:30 PM and he is getting dressed and he said he messed up that his appointment is at 1:30 PM. He calls his dad (which could be true or not but is having a conversation in front of me) asking if he is working in a certain town, his dad responded a different town and he said oh I was seeing if you could pay me for work. (He has been working with his dad), he said to his dad dont worry I will get the money tonight.
So in that moment I knew he was going to ask me for money and I would say no or so I thought until he asked and I said YES... I was like where did that come from. I gave him $100 without a second thought and he said he will pay me tomorrow. I do not even care. I care that I thought I would easily say NO WAY and the words yes came out like I was lending money to a normal person.
I did call my sponsor and talk to her and she said dont beat yourself up. That you care about him, he is leaving and you are not the first person to give money to an addict and hopefully you get the money back.. I am totally beating myself up. Sitting here just waiting for his mom to call so I can tell her my dumb move
I have never given him money before even when he was sober. He has never asked me to borrow money before. He said he needed to put some of it in his moms car as it was on empty. I was like he is probably lying, the car was on empty so what $10 in the tank and the rest on what? I couldnt give him $20, I gave him $100.... Am I brain dead???? And why is the magic number always $100.
All the addicts in my family always asked my mom for $100 my sister, my twin brother and my nephew. Or they would steal exactly $100... I have been surrounded by active heroin addiction for 12 years from my siblings. I know this disease and yet I see just how naive I really am.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
Well. $100 worth of dope gets you higher than $50. And its a nice round number. Triple digits just feels right.
Thank goodness he's leaving in six days. I pray he makes that plane and his higher ups don't find out he's using.
I gotta tell ya, it always p-sses me off when a supposed "boyfriend" borrow money from his "supposed" girlfriend to buy drugs. I mean. What a loser, don't ya think?
Thank goodness he's leaving in six days. I pray he makes that plane and his higher ups don't find out he's using.
I gotta tell ya, it always p-sses me off when a supposed "boyfriend" borrow money from his "supposed" girlfriend to buy drugs. I mean. What a loser, don't ya think?
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Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Massachusetts
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Oh yes I definitely think that. That is all I could think is how could you ask me to borrow money? It gets me even more that when I am around he pulls out the big book for AA and reads it and gets on his knees to pray and talks about meetings..
Just makes me crazy overall. And now he is numb not feeling a thing and thinking I have no clue and here I am with the crazies which I caused myself by putting myself in that situation... LML!!!
Just makes me crazy overall. And now he is numb not feeling a thing and thinking I have no clue and here I am with the crazies which I caused myself by putting myself in that situation... LML!!!
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funny you say that anvilhead as I left my purse locked in the trunk of my car so I wouldnt have any money on me, but being a sucker I went and got it. If I do go which I am torn on and will pray, I am not bringing any as if we do go to dinner he should have my $100 right????
I guess I like the chaos... working!
I guess I like the chaos... working!
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I am trying to figure that out. The only thing I can see is fear. The bottom line is codependency fear I do not have control. So if I try to control other things I do not have to look at myself and feel my pain and sit with it. Something I have always done and can openly see in this situation.
What am I setting myself up for?
What am I setting myself up for?
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
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I am trying to figure that out.
Like when I used to be a crackhead. I'd swear up and down that I wasn't going to use again and then that afternoon I'd use again. Then I'd get all caught up in a cycle of trying to figure out why i did it. I'd spend all my time worrying about it. Thinking about it. Wondering about it. Trying to analyze my behavior. I'd get caught in this cycle of self blame. It was wasted energy. And it seemed to become an excuse for me. A rationalization to continue using over and over and over (oh poor me - I don't know why I do these bad things. I just do. I am a victim of my addiction.) In fact i was setting myself up for a relapse every single time i started to analyze my behavior. I already knew the right thing to do. I just needed to do it. Focusing on the problem instead of the solution became an excuse.
I was much more successful when I started focusing on doing the right thing no matter how I felt. I completely changed my thinking (with help from others who had been there.) Being an addict was no longer a reason to smoke crack. I learned that yes, even though i was an addict, I did have a choice to continue my bad behavior or not continue it. It didn't matter WHY I did it. It only mattered that I stop.
And stop I did. I focused ALL my energy on NOT giving into my addiction. I learned positive behaviors. I acted on them. I followed the advice of recovering addicts who actually had clean time, who had been in my situation and gotten through it - even if I didn't agree with what they were saying.
You may or may not understand this analogy. But I think that guy you are dating is your drug of choice just like crack was my drug of choice. Changing yourself (and gaining control over yourself) means you have to actually do the work required. It doesn't just happen by thinking about it or talking about it. It's a behaviorial issue. You have a choice to continue with this behavior or not.
One more thing. Unless we learn from our mistakes and change our behavior, we are doomed to repeat them. do you know what that means? It means that after this guy leaves, there are a lot more users and money borrows and drug addicts out there that just can't wait to take his place in your life.
Hang in there. You can change if you want it bad enough. If I did it, anyone can do it.
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
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i think he is your d.o.c. too, honey, and i think that you had a bit of a fantasy in your head, with his pending deployment and the final time you would be together.
i get it; knowing myself i'm pretty sure i would have done the night-spend as well. it's nice to go out on a tender note, although i have to say i think it's setting yourself up for dreaming about a future with him. i had so many "last important moments" with my addict last year. i just couldn't break free. i knew he was using, but when he was with me he would be gentle and seemingly rational - it was one of the things that kept me spinning.
i really hope you do not see him again - you got your night together, why take a chance on something ugly? since his dad owes him money, could the dad pay you the 100? just wondering. cut your losses, you will be better able to move on once he's gone.
i get it; knowing myself i'm pretty sure i would have done the night-spend as well. it's nice to go out on a tender note, although i have to say i think it's setting yourself up for dreaming about a future with him. i had so many "last important moments" with my addict last year. i just couldn't break free. i knew he was using, but when he was with me he would be gentle and seemingly rational - it was one of the things that kept me spinning.
i really hope you do not see him again - you got your night together, why take a chance on something ugly? since his dad owes him money, could the dad pay you the 100? just wondering. cut your losses, you will be better able to move on once he's gone.
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I agree with you kitty and coffee. And I am working on that by going to meetings that I focus on myself. I am however very new at it but willing to do whatever work it takes.
As for relapsing on alcohol I am very far away from that at the moment. I actually enjoy feeling my feelings. I have worked the 12 steps and continue to work them, go to meetings everyday, sponsor 7 woman, make my amends and practice 10,11 and 12. I am asked to speak at many recovery based meetings and am flying to Arizona in March to speak at a meeting out there. My recovery even when I dont feel like it comes before all. I know when all else fails that work with a newcomer will ensure immunity.
I had a great big book meeting tonight and I am actually calm and serene.
I think if anyone was going to know whether or not I was close to relapse it would be my sponsor with whom I spoke today and also had dinner with. She does not seem concerned. I was beating myself up earlier but I am not now. Why because I work my program. I dont like to sit in pain. I do not want to be with me but I care. It is about progress and that is what I am working towards.
As for relapsing on alcohol I am very far away from that at the moment. I actually enjoy feeling my feelings. I have worked the 12 steps and continue to work them, go to meetings everyday, sponsor 7 woman, make my amends and practice 10,11 and 12. I am asked to speak at many recovery based meetings and am flying to Arizona in March to speak at a meeting out there. My recovery even when I dont feel like it comes before all. I know when all else fails that work with a newcomer will ensure immunity.
I had a great big book meeting tonight and I am actually calm and serene.
I think if anyone was going to know whether or not I was close to relapse it would be my sponsor with whom I spoke today and also had dinner with. She does not seem concerned. I was beating myself up earlier but I am not now. Why because I work my program. I dont like to sit in pain. I do not want to be with me but I care. It is about progress and that is what I am working towards.
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Join Date: Feb 2009
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I don't know that I can be gooey sweet with this post but I will try to not be a demon either.
I am constantly reminded of myself in my active addiction to opiates when I read about your issues. You are in active addiction to your boyfriend. I see the same obsessions I was having for my pills that you are having for him.
When I thought I should quit opiates but wasn't really ready to quit them really for good I would find ANY reason at all to use. And you justified seeing him with problems with your sister and that it would be a last goodbye. Two justifications. Just like he was a bottle of rum to use to get thru an issue or to control an issue or person or place or fix an emotion.
What is so special about him? As kitty said you have to use the tools of your recovery to break the enabling and making yourself miserable. He is not your problem, it's a problem stemming from needing a person place or thing to fix something you don't like about yourself.
I used things, I was a collector of things I needed more of everything and it was never enough, not enough books, yarn, glass cats, this or that, I always needed more because somehow I was not happy with myself. I know when he deploys it will be good for you but what happens when he gets back?
I don't mean to beat you up on this really, but how can things be different if you don't change? He has to be treated as if he is a bottle of alcohol that you are allergic to. Can you stay clean from him for 90 days? That's the length of a good rehab. I really do wish the best for you and it breaks my heart when things stay the same for you and then you are asking why is this happening or why this pain. It is insanity sweetie the very definition. Hugs.
I am constantly reminded of myself in my active addiction to opiates when I read about your issues. You are in active addiction to your boyfriend. I see the same obsessions I was having for my pills that you are having for him.
When I thought I should quit opiates but wasn't really ready to quit them really for good I would find ANY reason at all to use. And you justified seeing him with problems with your sister and that it would be a last goodbye. Two justifications. Just like he was a bottle of rum to use to get thru an issue or to control an issue or person or place or fix an emotion.
What is so special about him? As kitty said you have to use the tools of your recovery to break the enabling and making yourself miserable. He is not your problem, it's a problem stemming from needing a person place or thing to fix something you don't like about yourself.
I used things, I was a collector of things I needed more of everything and it was never enough, not enough books, yarn, glass cats, this or that, I always needed more because somehow I was not happy with myself. I know when he deploys it will be good for you but what happens when he gets back?
I don't mean to beat you up on this really, but how can things be different if you don't change? He has to be treated as if he is a bottle of alcohol that you are allergic to. Can you stay clean from him for 90 days? That's the length of a good rehab. I really do wish the best for you and it breaks my heart when things stay the same for you and then you are asking why is this happening or why this pain. It is insanity sweetie the very definition. Hugs.
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Meditation that was really good stuff. It is funny before I even read this I read there is a solution today with a sponsee and I realized that god is always here and that I am never alone. I had what I would call a spiritual experience that made me strong enough to let go and it was all from the hand of god.
It is also really funny the date. Last February 27th I got this same sense of ease and calm about a 5 year relationship I had been in and I was able to walk away guided by the hand of god and I felt that same way today! February 27th is a good day for me
It is also really funny the date. Last February 27th I got this same sense of ease and calm about a 5 year relationship I had been in and I was able to walk away guided by the hand of god and I felt that same way today! February 27th is a good day for me
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Well today is day 1 of NC and detachment. I feel pretty good about it. I know I will have ups and downs (especially since I treated abf as my DOC and I believe it now).
Today I am done rationalizing how good he was too my and how he treated me betther than any man. The fact of the matter is he is not sober and I am not living up to my ideals by staying with him in a fantasy world.
I see other people post here. When he texts me and I get weak I will just post here until I know I am strong enough to just be 100% done. I feel good I am there but than again my mind has told me this before. Kind of like using
I am going to a CODA meeting this Tuesday night. I was not ready for alanon. I know it sounds like an excuse but I have so many demons there and I felt them all. My dad, sister, twin brother, newphew, cousins and the list goes on. But I am codependent to the max and they do have a program of recovery through those meetings so I am looking forward to it. And I do plan on going back to Alanon too... Finding a counselor through my college...
The good news is I am doing really well at school I got 108 on my Chemistry II exam...
Today I am done rationalizing how good he was too my and how he treated me betther than any man. The fact of the matter is he is not sober and I am not living up to my ideals by staying with him in a fantasy world.
I see other people post here. When he texts me and I get weak I will just post here until I know I am strong enough to just be 100% done. I feel good I am there but than again my mind has told me this before. Kind of like using
I am going to a CODA meeting this Tuesday night. I was not ready for alanon. I know it sounds like an excuse but I have so many demons there and I felt them all. My dad, sister, twin brother, newphew, cousins and the list goes on. But I am codependent to the max and they do have a program of recovery through those meetings so I am looking forward to it. And I do plan on going back to Alanon too... Finding a counselor through my college...
The good news is I am doing really well at school I got 108 on my Chemistry II exam...
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Good news and bad.
Good news Verizon will block any number from calling and texting you and vice versa free for 90 days. So i do this they tell me to update my phone and text. i send text test block. it does not go through and says service denied!!!!!!!! Then i call and it goes through to his vm. Calling to complain. I want to make sure he cannot call me.
Good news Verizon will block any number from calling and texting you and vice versa free for 90 days. So i do this they tell me to update my phone and text. i send text test block. it does not go through and says service denied!!!!!!!! Then i call and it goes through to his vm. Calling to complain. I want to make sure he cannot call me.
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Originally Posted by cmhcali 
Good news and bad.
Good news Verizon will block any number from calling and texting you and vice versa free for 90 days. So i do this they tell me to update my phone and text. i send text test block. it does not go through and says service denied!!!!!!!! Then i call and it goes through to his vm. Calling to complain. I want to make sure he cannot call me.
Good news Verizon will block any number from calling and texting you and vice versa free for 90 days. So i do this they tell me to update my phone and text. i send text test block. it does not go through and says service denied!!!!!!!! Then i call and it goes through to his vm. Calling to complain. I want to make sure he cannot call me.
Sounds like you're making progress.... stay STRONG and GOOD LUCK!!
Keep it up girl!
Love,
Cess
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Good news Verizon will block any number from calling and texting you and vice versa free for 90 days.
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