Kids are ok, I am ok, He's in jail
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Victoria, BC
Posts: 51
This evening I decided to have a glass of wine to relax. I haven't had wine in the house since my boyfriend came to live with me. I called my daughter to join me. While we had our wine the phone calls started coming in from all friends and family. Boyfriend totally crazy on benzos and methadone trying to get anyone to give him money and shelter. Everyone calling ambulances and police. All of this swirling around and I can't do anything anyway because I've now had a glass of wine and I'm not used to drinking and couldn't drive anywhere even if I wanted to. Now everyone else is living my hell.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 697
Oh honey. I'm just reading this now. I don't have much to add other than what's already been posted. I just wanted to offer more HUGE, GREAT BIG HUGS.
And also, please take care of yourself. Look at some supplements if you're getting really down (i.e. Vitamin D works wonders)! Just be good to you, please!
And also, please take care of yourself. Look at some supplements if you're getting really down (i.e. Vitamin D works wonders)! Just be good to you, please!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Florida
Posts: 512
oh callie - you are in my thoughts and prayers. If I had a penny for every time I heard a story post ABF's death I'd be in Tahiti on vacation. It hurts. I know. I'm embarrassed. It's humiliating. But a very good friend of mine said "chin up..t*ts out" Do it. Even if you have to fake it at first. It gets easier and easier over time.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,906
He was just served with divorce papers. I'm totally freaking out right now. Please say a prayer that I can get an agreement out of him. I don't want this dragging on any longer and I want what is best for the kids.
He's STILL using, but not the whacked out kind when he was on benzo's. He's been staying @ his mom's, trying to work through the court stuff. He plans to go to a rehab within the next week or so after he gets stuff in order. I pray that we can get through this as smoothly as possible. I cannot believe I'm ending this after 22 years of being together. We were babies ourselves when we first met as 17 year olds. Really scared and nervous right now. I'm going to go in and try to talk to him. He knew it was coming, but to actually see it on paper is shocking to us both.
He's STILL using, but not the whacked out kind when he was on benzo's. He's been staying @ his mom's, trying to work through the court stuff. He plans to go to a rehab within the next week or so after he gets stuff in order. I pray that we can get through this as smoothly as possible. I cannot believe I'm ending this after 22 years of being together. We were babies ourselves when we first met as 17 year olds. Really scared and nervous right now. I'm going to go in and try to talk to him. He knew it was coming, but to actually see it on paper is shocking to us both.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Wilmington, NC
Posts: 932
You can do this Callie, just like everything else you've been through. Just put one foot in front of the other and as "as if" even if you don't want to. Make yourself do it - pretend you've been on SR for years and know everything there is to know and BE that person.
It's not a surprise - good lord! Not only have you talked about it and beat it to death - he has NO RIGHT to expect anything less than this. This is what's best for you and especially for your children Callie. It's obvious that you two will be able to maintain a civil relationship during and after the divorce and you will be tied to him for the rest of your life through your children so don't look at it as a complete finalization of your long history together. You are cutting him loose to be responsible for himself without Callie racing to the rescue to save the day. You are allowing him to be accountable for his own actions, choices and consequences. You are allowing him to be a man and the dignity to find his own recovery - save his own life.
You are giving yourself the dignity to say that you've done everything possible, that you tried hard to save your marriage and to move forward with the rest of your life without regrets. Give yourself an emotional break.
Heck! This should be easy compared to what you've been through over the past year! It gets comfortable sitting in the passenger/victim's seat and it's hard to move over and take the wheel. Drive Callie!
It's not a surprise - good lord! Not only have you talked about it and beat it to death - he has NO RIGHT to expect anything less than this. This is what's best for you and especially for your children Callie. It's obvious that you two will be able to maintain a civil relationship during and after the divorce and you will be tied to him for the rest of your life through your children so don't look at it as a complete finalization of your long history together. You are cutting him loose to be responsible for himself without Callie racing to the rescue to save the day. You are allowing him to be accountable for his own actions, choices and consequences. You are allowing him to be a man and the dignity to find his own recovery - save his own life.
You are giving yourself the dignity to say that you've done everything possible, that you tried hard to save your marriage and to move forward with the rest of your life without regrets. Give yourself an emotional break.
Heck! This should be easy compared to what you've been through over the past year! It gets comfortable sitting in the passenger/victim's seat and it's hard to move over and take the wheel. Drive Callie!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: NY
Posts: 1,054
I know the pain you feel Callie. You can't be with a man that long and not have pain letting him go. I pray you heal, and I pray for your AH too..... just let Jesus take the wheel, let go and let Him take control. He knows best.
Huggz
Huggz
Member
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Wilmington, NC
Posts: 932
Just a painful reminder of what needs to happen Callie.
Let Me Fall.
If you love me let me fall all by myself.
Don't try to spread a net out to catch me.
Don't throw a pillow to cushion the pain so I don't have to feel it.
Don’t stand in the place I am going to land so that you can break the fall (allowing yourself to get hurt instead of me) ... Let me fall as far down as my addiction is going to take me, let me walk the valley alone all by myself, let me reach the bottom of the pit ... trust that there is a bottom there somewhere even if you can't see it.
The sooner you stop saving me from myself,
stop rescuing me,
trying to fix me,
trying to understand me to a fault, enabling me ...
...The sooner you allow me to feel the loss and consequences,
the burden of my addiction on my shoulders and not yours ... the sooner I will arrive ... and on time ... just right where I need to be ... me, alone, all by myself in the rubble of the lifestyle I lead ... resist the urge to pull me out because that will only put me back at square one ...
If I am allowed to stay at the bottom and live there for awhile ...
I am free to get sick of it on my own,
free to begin to want out,
free to look for a way out,
and free to plan how I will climb back up to the top.
In the beginning as I start to climb out .. I just might slide back down, but don't worry I might have to hit bottom a couple more times before I make it out safe and sound ...
Don't you see ?? Don't you know ?? You can't do this for me ... I have to do it for myself, but if you are always breaking the fall how am I ever suppose to feel the pain that is part of the driving force to want to get well. It is my burden to carry, not yours ...
I know you love me and that you mean well and a lot of what you do is because you don't know what to do and you act from your heart not from knowledge of what is best for me ... but if you truly love me let me go my own way, make my own choices be they bad or good ... don't clip my wings before I can learn to fly ... Nudge me out of your safety net ... trust the process and pray for me ... that one day I will not only fly, but maybe even soar. ---Passion
Let Me Fall.
If you love me let me fall all by myself.
Don't try to spread a net out to catch me.
Don't throw a pillow to cushion the pain so I don't have to feel it.
Don’t stand in the place I am going to land so that you can break the fall (allowing yourself to get hurt instead of me) ... Let me fall as far down as my addiction is going to take me, let me walk the valley alone all by myself, let me reach the bottom of the pit ... trust that there is a bottom there somewhere even if you can't see it.
The sooner you stop saving me from myself,
stop rescuing me,
trying to fix me,
trying to understand me to a fault, enabling me ...
...The sooner you allow me to feel the loss and consequences,
the burden of my addiction on my shoulders and not yours ... the sooner I will arrive ... and on time ... just right where I need to be ... me, alone, all by myself in the rubble of the lifestyle I lead ... resist the urge to pull me out because that will only put me back at square one ...
If I am allowed to stay at the bottom and live there for awhile ...
I am free to get sick of it on my own,
free to begin to want out,
free to look for a way out,
and free to plan how I will climb back up to the top.
In the beginning as I start to climb out .. I just might slide back down, but don't worry I might have to hit bottom a couple more times before I make it out safe and sound ...
Don't you see ?? Don't you know ?? You can't do this for me ... I have to do it for myself, but if you are always breaking the fall how am I ever suppose to feel the pain that is part of the driving force to want to get well. It is my burden to carry, not yours ...
I know you love me and that you mean well and a lot of what you do is because you don't know what to do and you act from your heart not from knowledge of what is best for me ... but if you truly love me let me go my own way, make my own choices be they bad or good ... don't clip my wings before I can learn to fly ... Nudge me out of your safety net ... trust the process and pray for me ... that one day I will not only fly, but maybe even soar. ---Passion
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,906
He took it pretty well. Lots of tears on both parts. I finally told him I'm turning his battles and demons over to him to fight. I gave it everything that I had. In the end, it was never my battle to begin with.
He's in deep. Not with just drugs, but with deals, court, rehab etc. He has called the rehab and can go in as early as Sunday for an assessment. They'll then keep him and determine how long etc.
I am just a simple girl, trying to live a right life while raising two kids. I am completely, utterly astounded at what he's done to sustain his habit. Never, EVER did I think he would stoop to what he's done. I actually took a pic of him to my lawyer because I felt as though I was describing a monster to her. I wanted her to SEE what he looks like. I've said it before, addiction knows NO boundaries, no barriers. I asked AH to please let me go. I told him that he KNEW I would do right by our kids. I will raise them right and they will be surrounded by good people, good role models through my family and friends. My family has been awesome. They've completely enveloped the kids and I in all of this. They've lifted us AND him up in prayer. It's so hard for me because I HATE that they have to be exposed to this. It's also hard because they love him on his own accord.
I have yet to set down with him and draw an agreement for divorce out. Probably tomorrow or Thursday. Then it's off to the lawyer to sign. Divorce will be final in as soon as 30 days. Poof, just like that.
I'll be ok, I know it. The kids will be in the best hands possible from here on out. I don't look forward to 'detoxing' from him, but I do look forward to rebuilding my life. Our lives. Thanks guys. Hey, my New Years Resolution to lose a few pounds has for sure been a success thus far!
To sick to my stomach to eat. Not enough time to go to the store for groceries! Actually I did make it to the store today. Off to cut up a ton of veggies. The one thing my kids have missed is veggie plates. It pays to pump broccoli and other veggies down their throats at a young age. LOL - they love them.
He's in deep. Not with just drugs, but with deals, court, rehab etc. He has called the rehab and can go in as early as Sunday for an assessment. They'll then keep him and determine how long etc.
I am just a simple girl, trying to live a right life while raising two kids. I am completely, utterly astounded at what he's done to sustain his habit. Never, EVER did I think he would stoop to what he's done. I actually took a pic of him to my lawyer because I felt as though I was describing a monster to her. I wanted her to SEE what he looks like. I've said it before, addiction knows NO boundaries, no barriers. I asked AH to please let me go. I told him that he KNEW I would do right by our kids. I will raise them right and they will be surrounded by good people, good role models through my family and friends. My family has been awesome. They've completely enveloped the kids and I in all of this. They've lifted us AND him up in prayer. It's so hard for me because I HATE that they have to be exposed to this. It's also hard because they love him on his own accord.
I have yet to set down with him and draw an agreement for divorce out. Probably tomorrow or Thursday. Then it's off to the lawyer to sign. Divorce will be final in as soon as 30 days. Poof, just like that.
I'll be ok, I know it. The kids will be in the best hands possible from here on out. I don't look forward to 'detoxing' from him, but I do look forward to rebuilding my life. Our lives. Thanks guys. Hey, my New Years Resolution to lose a few pounds has for sure been a success thus far!
To sick to my stomach to eat. Not enough time to go to the store for groceries! Actually I did make it to the store today. Off to cut up a ton of veggies. The one thing my kids have missed is veggie plates. It pays to pump broccoli and other veggies down their throats at a young age. LOL - they love them.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
callie,
reading your post was a delight. your tone has changed so much. i am sad because there is great sorrow in the disease taking a good man down. but there is such hope because of your resolve, your strength and your commitment to your children.
thanks for the update
reading your post was a delight. your tone has changed so much. i am sad because there is great sorrow in the disease taking a good man down. but there is such hope because of your resolve, your strength and your commitment to your children.
thanks for the update
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Jersey
Posts: 229
Callie...
As I read your update tonight, I can "hear" the calmness in you coming through...
There is no sense of urgency and panic...
You are an amazingly strong woman... your kids are lucky to have you!
Stay positive...
As I read your update tonight, I can "hear" the calmness in you coming through...
There is no sense of urgency and panic...
You are an amazingly strong woman... your kids are lucky to have you!
Stay positive...
Member
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Wilmington, NC
Posts: 932
You really are amazing. I know tonight was tough. I know it was. Be gentle with yourself Callie and get some rest. God knows, you deserve it!
"Do not fear the future....God is already there".
XXXOOO
"Do not fear the future....God is already there".
XXXOOO
We're here for you Honey.learning to live for me
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: East Coast, US
Posts: 215
Wow, not sure what state you're in. A divorce in 30 days! It takes a year where I'm at. Maybe that's why you were so afraid, because the results were going to happen so quickly. You sound like you're doing much better. I'm proud of you! And dish out those veggies 
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,906
Breaking Free - yes, this IS happening quickly. I knew it would. I'm still reeling from everything that he's done. Still trying to deal with insurance on both vehicles. They're both totaled.
I'm finally getting my house in order. For the last month he'd lived like a strung out junkie. Ashes ground into the carpet, pop cans everywhere, cereal spilled and not cleaned up, carpets stained, cupboards bare. We haven't been here (kids and I were @ my parents) so it's been a process to get the house back together. Just cleaned the carpets, deep cleaned the house and tossed a bunch of crap that he's left around. I still have a basement to tackle, but it will come. I feel much better with what's done so far. We live in a beautiful home - he was so whacked out for about 3 weeks straight that he did quite a number on it.
You all have commented that I seem calmer. I guess I am, but I don't feel like it internally yet. I know I'll get there though. I feel like I've been in autopilot mode the last few weeks. Just getting done what I know I need to do and putting one foot in front of the other. I'm really, really drained and tired but I do feel more peace. I have a long way to go but I'll get there.
I'm finally getting my house in order. For the last month he'd lived like a strung out junkie. Ashes ground into the carpet, pop cans everywhere, cereal spilled and not cleaned up, carpets stained, cupboards bare. We haven't been here (kids and I were @ my parents) so it's been a process to get the house back together. Just cleaned the carpets, deep cleaned the house and tossed a bunch of crap that he's left around. I still have a basement to tackle, but it will come. I feel much better with what's done so far. We live in a beautiful home - he was so whacked out for about 3 weeks straight that he did quite a number on it.
You all have commented that I seem calmer. I guess I am, but I don't feel like it internally yet. I know I'll get there though. I feel like I've been in autopilot mode the last few weeks. Just getting done what I know I need to do and putting one foot in front of the other. I'm really, really drained and tired but I do feel more peace. I have a long way to go but I'll get there.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,888
When I was leaving XABF and had a house to pack, horses, dogs, and cats to care for and move across four states and still dealing with the draining behavior of XABF, I found myself exhausted mentally and physically and yet somehow I just kept moving.
I've passed on the wisdom (because it's so true) that we can endure just about anything for the short term when we see an end to it as some point. I could see the light at the end of the tunnel and I just ketp chugging forward whether I felt I could take another step or not.
You can do this one day at a time. When you get to a resting point you'll feel those emotions you may think are being pushed aside right now and you will be able to take the time to work through them. Let them sit. All in good time.
You're doing beautifully!!
Alice
I've passed on the wisdom (because it's so true) that we can endure just about anything for the short term when we see an end to it as some point. I could see the light at the end of the tunnel and I just ketp chugging forward whether I felt I could take another step or not.
You can do this one day at a time. When you get to a resting point you'll feel those emotions you may think are being pushed aside right now and you will be able to take the time to work through them. Let them sit. All in good time.
You're doing beautifully!!
Alice
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Ohio
Posts: 267
very proud of your resolve to make sure you & the kids get the chance to live your lives without this drama swirling around your heads 24/7. Even if it is only because you have let yourself go on autopilot for the last month be proud of the calmness that you are projecting now.
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