Need help with boundaries
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 3
Need help with boundaries
Hi everyone,
My ex-husband and I have been divorced since October 8. He is addicted both to marijuana and an alchoholic.
It has been a roller coaster ride for the last 8 months. I'm very co-dependant and have stuggled with "NO CONTACT" with him... the most I've made it is 6 days.
Yesterday, he sent me an email saying "he has hit his bottom, wants to get help,and knows now he can't do it on his own". He has never said these things before, but he is a liar. He also said "I need your support"
My problem being a co-dependant is how much, or what kind of "support" I give him. I don't even know where to begin. I have trouble setting boundaries and I'm scared of compromising my own progress. I did tell him back in July when I filed for divorce that if he ever chose to get into recovery I would support his efforts. I don't even know what I meant by that!
Any suggestions would be appreciated. I do attend Celebrate Recovery, and I'm in a Step Study (on Step 4....great timing!).
thanks,
Katherine
My ex-husband and I have been divorced since October 8. He is addicted both to marijuana and an alchoholic.
It has been a roller coaster ride for the last 8 months. I'm very co-dependant and have stuggled with "NO CONTACT" with him... the most I've made it is 6 days.
Yesterday, he sent me an email saying "he has hit his bottom, wants to get help,and knows now he can't do it on his own". He has never said these things before, but he is a liar. He also said "I need your support"
My problem being a co-dependant is how much, or what kind of "support" I give him. I don't even know where to begin. I have trouble setting boundaries and I'm scared of compromising my own progress. I did tell him back in July when I filed for divorce that if he ever chose to get into recovery I would support his efforts. I don't even know what I meant by that!
Any suggestions would be appreciated. I do attend Celebrate Recovery, and I'm in a Step Study (on Step 4....great timing!).
thanks,
Katherine
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Upstate, NY
Posts: 718
Yesterday, he sent me an email saying "he has hit his bottom, wants to get help,and knows now he can't do it on his own". He has never said these things before, but he is a liar. He also said "I need your support"
Hi and welcome... read this statement again. IMO, he HAS to do this on his own. Not meaning no support, no meetings, etc. Just needs to take those steps on his own. Congratulate him on making the decision and step back.
I encourage you to take care of you.... whatever that takes. Find and develop your own support system and stay clear about how important YOU are to YOU.
All the best...
Hi and welcome... read this statement again. IMO, he HAS to do this on his own. Not meaning no support, no meetings, etc. Just needs to take those steps on his own. Congratulate him on making the decision and step back.
I encourage you to take care of you.... whatever that takes. Find and develop your own support system and stay clear about how important YOU are to YOU.
All the best...
work in progress
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: the sunshine state
Posts: 623
Hi myochick,
My AH has been struggling with an opiate addiction for 10 years now.
In Sept of 09 he finally checked himself into a rehab facility "on his own" and stayed there for 30 days.
While he was in rehab, his counselor and I were in contact. She requested that I write a letter to him telling him all the ways in which his addiction has affected my life negatively. That was relatively easy to write and I had 10 years of material to deliver. I was to read this to Him in her presence. Which I did.
Then, the following week she requested my list of boundaries that I put in place before he came home. That was the hard part. It realized that I never actually thought about what I would not tolerate in my life anymore.
I searched the internet looking for ideas on how to establish boundaries, I came here looking for clues...and then I realized that everyone's list would be different according to their own personal needs....so I got to writing! It took Me a week to figure them out, but I did it.
I read them to him in her presence, and he understood and agreed to the terms in order to move back home. At the time, he was completely understandable and was actually happy about most of the terms...save 2 of them, but nonetheless, he agreed.
Fast forward to December 28th, 2009......he relapsed. It was so sad, and so unfortunate...because he really wants to be clean...they all do. Now I was faced with the boundaries that I laid out and having to actually follow through with them.
THAT WAS THE HARDEST PART. I am not kidding you. I have never ever in 10 years had to face myself in this, and there it was.
Here are the boundaries that he crossed:
You cannot be in our home while your on pills. Period. If you're sober, you can stay...if you're not-you must leave.
No lying to me. I will no longer tolerate being lied to by you. If you start lying to me again, our relationship will be over at that point.
If you are living here, you must attend meetings every day and work the program every day. No exceptions. I will no longer play a role in your recovery. That is your responsibility and I cannot be involved in it. I will support your recovery, but I will not have an active role in it. ( because I can't )
You must pay me back the money you owe me and establish a financial plan for yourself.
So, he was in our home "jammed" on pills, he lied to Me about how many he took, he was blowing money (1300 in one day) and still had not finished paying me back, and he wasn't going to meetings.
So I told him he needed to leave. That was the single most hardest part for a Codependent. But I did it.
I am now on day 11 without him here, we have spoken 3 times (briefly) since he left. 2 of those times was him coming back to get more clothes and files off the computer. The last time we spoke I called to tell him we needed to meet to square things away. He is still not fully moved out, and we need closure. I will not waiver from the boundaries that I have put in place for Me.
He has not come "clean" about the extent of his relapse, and has anger in his voice towards me....I do not take that personally anymore and know that he is on a bad path for himself still...his choice. All I can do now is live my life on my terms.
At some point you will really ask yourself how much of this is "enough". Until then, and until you are really ready to make peace with the fact that you are powerless...the ride will be filled with ups and downs.
SR is a really great place to connect with all of us that are in varying stages of Co Dependency and enabling. The RA's here have been very helpful in their perspective of the mind of an addict...and have helped me in the strength I need to stop the enabling...and start living...and the folks here that have been through this again and again and again have helped me realize that I am not alone, I am not unique...I have choices...as do you.
Glad you're here.
My AH has been struggling with an opiate addiction for 10 years now.
In Sept of 09 he finally checked himself into a rehab facility "on his own" and stayed there for 30 days.
While he was in rehab, his counselor and I were in contact. She requested that I write a letter to him telling him all the ways in which his addiction has affected my life negatively. That was relatively easy to write and I had 10 years of material to deliver. I was to read this to Him in her presence. Which I did.
Then, the following week she requested my list of boundaries that I put in place before he came home. That was the hard part. It realized that I never actually thought about what I would not tolerate in my life anymore.
I searched the internet looking for ideas on how to establish boundaries, I came here looking for clues...and then I realized that everyone's list would be different according to their own personal needs....so I got to writing! It took Me a week to figure them out, but I did it.
I read them to him in her presence, and he understood and agreed to the terms in order to move back home. At the time, he was completely understandable and was actually happy about most of the terms...save 2 of them, but nonetheless, he agreed.
Fast forward to December 28th, 2009......he relapsed. It was so sad, and so unfortunate...because he really wants to be clean...they all do. Now I was faced with the boundaries that I laid out and having to actually follow through with them.
THAT WAS THE HARDEST PART. I am not kidding you. I have never ever in 10 years had to face myself in this, and there it was.
Here are the boundaries that he crossed:
You cannot be in our home while your on pills. Period. If you're sober, you can stay...if you're not-you must leave.
No lying to me. I will no longer tolerate being lied to by you. If you start lying to me again, our relationship will be over at that point.
If you are living here, you must attend meetings every day and work the program every day. No exceptions. I will no longer play a role in your recovery. That is your responsibility and I cannot be involved in it. I will support your recovery, but I will not have an active role in it. ( because I can't )
You must pay me back the money you owe me and establish a financial plan for yourself.
So, he was in our home "jammed" on pills, he lied to Me about how many he took, he was blowing money (1300 in one day) and still had not finished paying me back, and he wasn't going to meetings.
So I told him he needed to leave. That was the single most hardest part for a Codependent. But I did it.
I am now on day 11 without him here, we have spoken 3 times (briefly) since he left. 2 of those times was him coming back to get more clothes and files off the computer. The last time we spoke I called to tell him we needed to meet to square things away. He is still not fully moved out, and we need closure. I will not waiver from the boundaries that I have put in place for Me.
He has not come "clean" about the extent of his relapse, and has anger in his voice towards me....I do not take that personally anymore and know that he is on a bad path for himself still...his choice. All I can do now is live my life on my terms.
At some point you will really ask yourself how much of this is "enough". Until then, and until you are really ready to make peace with the fact that you are powerless...the ride will be filled with ups and downs.
SR is a really great place to connect with all of us that are in varying stages of Co Dependency and enabling. The RA's here have been very helpful in their perspective of the mind of an addict...and have helped me in the strength I need to stop the enabling...and start living...and the folks here that have been through this again and again and again have helped me realize that I am not alone, I am not unique...I have choices...as do you.
Glad you're here.
To Life!
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Rhode Island
Posts: 9,293
You may want to get a list of AA meetings in the area and give it to him.
Then, wish him well.
You will be keeping your word about being supportive of his efforts,
yet still putting the recovery where it belongs - in *his* hands.
You will also be keeping yourself out of the chaos of his addiction.
Finally, I hope you continue on your well chosen path of recovery too!
Shalom!
Then, wish him well.
You will be keeping your word about being supportive of his efforts,
yet still putting the recovery where it belongs - in *his* hands.
You will also be keeping yourself out of the chaos of his addiction.
Finally, I hope you continue on your well chosen path of recovery too!
Shalom!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
Originally Posted by myochick 
My problem being a co-dependant is how much, or what kind of "support" I give him. I don't even know where to begin. I have trouble setting boundaries and I'm scared of compromising my own progress. I did tell him back in July when I filed for divorce that if he ever chose to get into recovery I would support his efforts. I don't even know what I meant by that!
how about you talk with your sponsor about this question?
i think that support can be from a distance.
i am a big believer in inpatient treatment. there they can focus 100% on their recovery, and there will also be a component for the family of the addict. acquiring new tools to stay clean and sober is cruicial and he will be immersed. also, it is more difficult to obtain drugs there - it is possible to, but they will likely notice if he is using. if he's really ready, i would think he would take this option.
support? give him the names and phone numbers of two rehabs. tell him you will bring his children to see him on visiting day. can he do this himself? of course. but this could be your way of supporting him. it also send a message that you are still mostly hands off, but you are rooting for his success.
grateful rca
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
Posts: 4,671
welcome to sr.
i'm a recovering addict and it helped me for my family to show support for me after i showed support for myself. pay more attention to his actions and not his words. i agree, with support from a distance for now. try to keep the focus on you. when he has really hit his bottom, he'll do whatever it takes to find his own way, with or without you
. i'm sure he hasn't forgotten your offer to help so it is possible he'll try to use that to suck you back in. its true that he probably can't do it alone but there really is nothing you can do to help him. you and yours are in my prayers
i'm a recovering addict and it helped me for my family to show support for me after i showed support for myself. pay more attention to his actions and not his words. i agree, with support from a distance for now. try to keep the focus on you. when he has really hit his bottom, he'll do whatever it takes to find his own way, with or without you
. i'm sure he hasn't forgotten your offer to help so it is possible he'll try to use that to suck you back in. its true that he probably can't do it alone but there really is nothing you can do to help him. you and yours are in my prayers
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 3
Hello again,
Well, I met with my ex on Friday, after receiving the email. Not too much was discussed about boundaries, but he did attend a meeting Friday night with me. But, we actually fought AGAIN on Saturday, just about the same old crap. He admitted he got high on Thursday nite too.
Last night I stopped by his house. He offered me a beer. I said, "no, and this is one of the boundaries I'm setting, no drinking alcohol in my presence". He said, "so,I can never drink again?", I said, "not around me, because it is MY belief you are an alchoholic, and this is MY boundary"...he then asked me to leave. So, I put my coat on and left!
We had a brief conversation this morning, which again only ended up making me mad and anxious.
I've decided to once again try to have limited or not contact with him. If I don't see him for a few days, I start to feel better. He is so toxic for me, it's just the pain of withdrawl from not seeing him that makes me crazy!
My counselor had me make a list of all the things I did to get me in such a good place before I met him. I've gone back to doing all those things, adjusting when necessary (I have a different job schedule now). I do mostly all the right things, and I have no idea why I miss this guy so much. We were only married for 17 months and only knew each other for 8 months before got married!! I pray daily for God to remove this "elephant on my chest". This is the worst pain ever!
Thank you all, for your suggestions and support because it really helps. I need all the help I can get right now!
Katherine
Well, I met with my ex on Friday, after receiving the email. Not too much was discussed about boundaries, but he did attend a meeting Friday night with me. But, we actually fought AGAIN on Saturday, just about the same old crap. He admitted he got high on Thursday nite too.
Last night I stopped by his house. He offered me a beer. I said, "no, and this is one of the boundaries I'm setting, no drinking alcohol in my presence". He said, "so,I can never drink again?", I said, "not around me, because it is MY belief you are an alchoholic, and this is MY boundary"...he then asked me to leave. So, I put my coat on and left!
We had a brief conversation this morning, which again only ended up making me mad and anxious.
I've decided to once again try to have limited or not contact with him. If I don't see him for a few days, I start to feel better. He is so toxic for me, it's just the pain of withdrawl from not seeing him that makes me crazy!
My counselor had me make a list of all the things I did to get me in such a good place before I met him. I've gone back to doing all those things, adjusting when necessary (I have a different job schedule now). I do mostly all the right things, and I have no idea why I miss this guy so much. We were only married for 17 months and only knew each other for 8 months before got married!! I pray daily for God to remove this "elephant on my chest". This is the worst pain ever!
Thank you all, for your suggestions and support because it really helps. I need all the help I can get right now!
Katherine
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Reality......
Posts: 735
I just posted a post about boundaries and why its so hard for us codies to keep and enforce. Sometimes its just easier to fold ourselves in knots, just to keep the addict around. For whatever reason. All the while we get sicker and make no progress of our own. Then we fall for these trick statements about them really wanting to get help and how they know how bad they were to us.
Let me just say that I fell for alot of bs until I started to get better. When he threw those crumbs to this hungary dog I fell hook, line, and sinker. But when I turned things around for myself I began to NOT listen to his words (which were pretty much lies) and began watching his actions.
Until his actions spoke of a man investing in his recovery I stopped giving him the time of day. They cant play these games by themselves. We allow them to play them with us the moment we listen and BELIEVE (even if its just a small part of us) the garabage that is coming out of their mouths.
It takes time. No one is perfect. I got there. You too will get there....Good luck to you...
Stay strong in your own recovery and you will get there alot faster....
Let me just say that I fell for alot of bs until I started to get better. When he threw those crumbs to this hungary dog I fell hook, line, and sinker. But when I turned things around for myself I began to NOT listen to his words (which were pretty much lies) and began watching his actions.
Until his actions spoke of a man investing in his recovery I stopped giving him the time of day. They cant play these games by themselves. We allow them to play them with us the moment we listen and BELIEVE (even if its just a small part of us) the garabage that is coming out of their mouths.
It takes time. No one is perfect. I got there. You too will get there....Good luck to you...
Stay strong in your own recovery and you will get there alot faster....
grateful rca
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
Posts: 4,671
you know, i can relate to having problems enforcing boundaries and for so many yrs. what helped me i think was when i had to decide whether or not i wanted to continue to allow his actions to hurt me yr after yr and except that was just gonna be the way it was gonna be or was i willing to go ahead and feel all the hurt i needed to feel, one big time and work through the pain so i could finally be done with it.
after i began to work the steps, i found that really what i blamed him for doing to me, i was allowing, so the way i felt had a lot to do with me and the decisions i made for myself and he really had nothing to do with that. really it was not all his fault that i decided to take care of him rather than myself.
believe me, it was not easy and the pain was great but as the days went by, it did began to get easier and easier. i think the longer you wait, the longer you prolong the inevitable agony. i finally heard what you guys were saying and that was if i wanted change, i had to do the changing besides that, i got just plan tired of hurting the same ole hurt, playing that same ole game, over and over again.
i think you are doing good, keep the focus on you. i think i support my ah by keeping him in my prayers. i feel i've tried everything else and prayer is the only thing that feels good for me right now.
after i began to work the steps, i found that really what i blamed him for doing to me, i was allowing, so the way i felt had a lot to do with me and the decisions i made for myself and he really had nothing to do with that. really it was not all his fault that i decided to take care of him rather than myself.
believe me, it was not easy and the pain was great but as the days went by, it did began to get easier and easier. i think the longer you wait, the longer you prolong the inevitable agony. i finally heard what you guys were saying and that was if i wanted change, i had to do the changing besides that, i got just plan tired of hurting the same ole hurt, playing that same ole game, over and over again.
i think you are doing good, keep the focus on you. i think i support my ah by keeping him in my prayers. i feel i've tried everything else and prayer is the only thing that feels good for me right now.
work in progress
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: the sunshine state
Posts: 623
Originally Posted by myochick
Hello again,
it's just the pain of withdrawl from not seeing him that makes me crazy!
Katherine
it's just the pain of withdrawl from not seeing him that makes me crazy!
Katherine
If it helps, i posted daily "Codie Detox" symptoms and feelings when my AH left and we went No Contact.
If you start feeling "poopy" read them, maybe we experience the same feelings of "withdrawing from A". ????
You are not alone. You can do this.
I still can't get my palms to stop sweating. And it's Day 13 *ew
((((((hugs))))))
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 3
HI
Thanks, everyone..this is the best site for support!
When I think that today would have been day 15 of NC...it makes me sick! I did not call him to day; but, I sent him 2 txt's...a good morning & good nite one, I don't know why I want him to know that I do still care about him when I'm so mad at him anyway! I just was thinking that I would make more progress if I tried to do "limited contact"...I don't know if that is good either though???
Today, I did notice that I didn't think about him nearly as much, and I actually felt a little less anxious. I'm gonna try not to txt him at all tomorrow and really be aware of how that feels, and journal the feelings, then PRAY....no, PRAY first!
Thx
Katherine
Thanks, everyone..this is the best site for support!
When I think that today would have been day 15 of NC...it makes me sick! I did not call him to day; but, I sent him 2 txt's...a good morning & good nite one, I don't know why I want him to know that I do still care about him when I'm so mad at him anyway! I just was thinking that I would make more progress if I tried to do "limited contact"...I don't know if that is good either though???
Today, I did notice that I didn't think about him nearly as much, and I actually felt a little less anxious. I'm gonna try not to txt him at all tomorrow and really be aware of how that feels, and journal the feelings, then PRAY
....no, PRAY first!Thx
Katherine
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
Originally Posted by myochick
Yesterday, he sent me an email saying "he has hit his bottom, wants to get help,and knows now he can't do it on his own". He has never said these things before, but he is a liar. He also said "I need your support"
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Reality......
Posts: 735
Originally Posted by myochick
I did not call him to day; but, I sent him 2 txt's...a good morning & good nite one, I don't know why I want him to know that I do still care about him when I'm so mad at him anyway!
Please be careful with these kinds of things. For me nothing good EVER came of me telling him how I felt...He knew. He always knew.
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