Living Without My A
work in progress
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: the sunshine state
Posts: 623
Living Without My A For all of you who may feel like you won't make it without your A's....
On New Years Eve morning I actually followed through with my boundaries and asked my AH to leave. You see, he relapsed. Now, I didn't ask him to leave because he relapsed, I asked him to leave because He had broken 4 of the rules I had set for myself to him before he came home from rehab. That was the first New Years that I have spent without him in 10 years.
I didn't ask him to move out, I just simply stated that we needed to separate for awhile. I was so pent up with shock, and anger, and sorrow and defeat and panic, that making any solid decisions in that frame of mind would not have been well thought out. I needed some time to breathe and think. I think it was also easier for me to drum up the courage to ask him to leave without everything seeming so final, ya know?
After all, I have been more than patient in giving him the time he has ever needed to get better, that I felt it was perfectly reasonable for me to do the same for myself.
I have been posting daily's to let you know how things were going, and how it feels day by day. It has also helped tremendously to read back over them and see my progress.
Today is day 6, living without my AH.
Today I had the most energy I have had since He left. I made it a mission to write a "to do" list for myself for today...and I am happy to report that I finished them all and threw a few other things in there while I was at it!
I even stopped at B&N and picked up a copy of Codependent No More. I am looking forward to sitting by the fire tonight and reading it.
It's the first day that I left the house before 10AM and didn't come home until just now. I wore makeup & fixed my hair!
I have two more days left in my vacation...yes, I have been on vacation this whole time. And though, it may not have been ideal for me to have all of this time alone without "tasks" to keep me occupied...I do believe there are no accidents. I am supposed to be here.
I can say that today, I have not cried, my appetite is starting to come back a little bit more, I'm not checking my cell phone for texts as much ( 2 times today ), I've talked to myself "out loud" less, and I am much more relaxed than I was 5 days ago. I have not called anyone to "rant" about what happened since he left, and I don't feel like I'm not going to make it without him.
I did see him yesterday when he stopped by for more clothes, but I didn't fall apart when he left.
I am, today...very very sad for him. I am hoping with all of my heart that this relapse just knocks him down far enough for him to never, ever go back. I am wishing for that phone call that he is reaching out. I am so distraught for him. I do want to call him just to tell him I love him, but am unsure of myself...so I won't for now. I feel all of these things for him, and this is nothing new...except one very important thing- I don't feel like "fixing" it! And in "Codie Land" that's big!
I do have moments where my head goes into "savior" mode and I just want to pick up the phone and tell him to come home and we will get him help. "We" will get him help....then I stop and put the word "He" back in there, and it passes.
I have to say, it takes about the same amount of time to detox from him as it does for him to detox from the pills! Funny how that works.
So, today I am ok. And if any of you may be wondering how you can go on without them...you definitely can.
At least for 6 days.
I would like to put a fun smiley here...but SR keeps telling Me I don't have access...so just imagine a smiley that's "smiley" jumping up and down saying "yay"
On New Years Eve morning I actually followed through with my boundaries and asked my AH to leave. You see, he relapsed. Now, I didn't ask him to leave because he relapsed, I asked him to leave because He had broken 4 of the rules I had set for myself to him before he came home from rehab. That was the first New Years that I have spent without him in 10 years.
I didn't ask him to move out, I just simply stated that we needed to separate for awhile. I was so pent up with shock, and anger, and sorrow and defeat and panic, that making any solid decisions in that frame of mind would not have been well thought out. I needed some time to breathe and think. I think it was also easier for me to drum up the courage to ask him to leave without everything seeming so final, ya know?
After all, I have been more than patient in giving him the time he has ever needed to get better, that I felt it was perfectly reasonable for me to do the same for myself.
I have been posting daily's to let you know how things were going, and how it feels day by day. It has also helped tremendously to read back over them and see my progress.
Today is day 6, living without my AH.
Today I had the most energy I have had since He left. I made it a mission to write a "to do" list for myself for today...and I am happy to report that I finished them all and threw a few other things in there while I was at it!
I even stopped at B&N and picked up a copy of Codependent No More. I am looking forward to sitting by the fire tonight and reading it.
It's the first day that I left the house before 10AM and didn't come home until just now. I wore makeup & fixed my hair!
I have two more days left in my vacation...yes, I have been on vacation this whole time. And though, it may not have been ideal for me to have all of this time alone without "tasks" to keep me occupied...I do believe there are no accidents. I am supposed to be here.
I can say that today, I have not cried, my appetite is starting to come back a little bit more, I'm not checking my cell phone for texts as much ( 2 times today ), I've talked to myself "out loud" less, and I am much more relaxed than I was 5 days ago. I have not called anyone to "rant" about what happened since he left, and I don't feel like I'm not going to make it without him.
I did see him yesterday when he stopped by for more clothes, but I didn't fall apart when he left.
I am, today...very very sad for him. I am hoping with all of my heart that this relapse just knocks him down far enough for him to never, ever go back. I am wishing for that phone call that he is reaching out. I am so distraught for him. I do want to call him just to tell him I love him, but am unsure of myself...so I won't for now. I feel all of these things for him, and this is nothing new...except one very important thing- I don't feel like "fixing" it! And in "Codie Land" that's big!
I do have moments where my head goes into "savior" mode and I just want to pick up the phone and tell him to come home and we will get him help. "We" will get him help....then I stop and put the word "He" back in there, and it passes.
I have to say, it takes about the same amount of time to detox from him as it does for him to detox from the pills! Funny how that works.
So, today I am ok. And if any of you may be wondering how you can go on without them...you definitely can.
At least for 6 days.
I would like to put a fun smiley here...but SR keeps telling Me I don't have access...so just imagine a smiley that's "smiley" jumping up and down saying "yay"
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
