cassandra2

Hello everyone....

Well without writing a short book here I would like to just say that I have gotten back on the "I can change him" train.....I am so disqusted with myself I could just scream.

First off I have gotten it into my head that my RABF needs to "talk" about feelings and emotions or else he is gonna end up back on drugs. So I have been having these pow wow sessions with him that end up making both of us miserable.

I press him to talk. No in fact I FORCE him...Saying things like he cant leave until we get this out. Can we say CONTROL FREAK....

Anyway things really came to a head this weekend and we ended up both needing a breather from one another. So I clear my head and I start saying to stop thinking and analyzing EVERYTHING that I feel he is doing WRONG. Cause "oh by the way did I mention I am now GOD and know everything!"

Well I get clear in the head and start thinking sanely again and I am ok. Well today our daughter was VERY sick with her asthma. I went to the doctor and now our baby is back on breathing treatments every 2 hours and taking heavy doses of meds.

He had to work but we were texting back and forth and I was keeping him updated. He said that he could NOT leave until after lunch but to call if anything happened. Ok. I am ok. Not liking having to take her to the doctor alone but I am ok. I mean for crying out loud he is at work. Take a deep breathe.

Ok so then I am home with the little one. We are going on day 3 with the breathing treatments, vomiting, coughing, bathing constantly, and wetting the pants cause she cant make it to the bathroom. I am starting to get a little frazzled. So I finally called him and said that the baby just puked and she puked so hard her nose started to bleed. He says "I'm leaving work now." Ok.

Well he calls me on the way to my house and says that he will take the baby tonight (we still live seperately) and I FREAK OUT. I cant believe that he isnt spending the night with us. So he started to yell at me. Then finally the call ended. He gets here and immediately apologizes for yelling at me and says that he just thought I might want a break and that he wanted to share in the responsibility of taking care of our baby. He then went on to say that he couldnt stay the night tonight because he has to take his nephew to school in the morning and take care of the other nephew tomorrow before he goes to work. He said he didnt want to wake up at 5 (before his sister has to leave for work) and go home.

I wouldnt let it go. I kept saying he should find other arrangements. He said that there was noone else. His sisters regular babysitter couldnt take care of the boys tomorrow.

Here is the thing. Looking back now I was trying to make him stay here because it is what I wanted him to do. I couldnt even see that maybe I did need a break. Maybe I did need a good night's sleep. All I could think about was how I wanted him to do something and he wasnt doing it.

So after this vent I really need some feedback here. I really need to get back on the recovery change and fast because I feel like I am quickly headed back down that road.

How do I stop? What do I do now? How do I stop being run by all of these crazy making emotions?

Help. I feel like I am on the crazy train again.....

outtolunch

Holy Moly Cassandra.

The baby has been sick. You sound exhausted. How about you give yourself a break, this time. Once baby starts to mend and you get a good night's sleep, you will bounce back.

We often do not know what's really going on with ourselves until it comes out of our mouths. Could you try and slow it down and reframe " you will" statements into " I need" and see if that makes a difference.

Impurrfect

(((Cass))) - I don't know...will have to think about this..been dealing with my sick "baby" (my cat) all day and lack of sleep, but I do know that the fact that you are recognizing your behavior is a good thing.

I know I'm not any help, but did want to point that out. There are times I just have to bite my tongue...I'm surprised I even HAVE a tongue, at this point....I'll do it and walk away, remind myself that there IS a God, and I'm not it, count to 10, 100, whatever it takes, and take many deep breaths. It's what I had to do with everyone in my family, when they just refused to do what I thought they should do...yeah, control freak here, too. They are even used to me saying "Amy, shut up" and walking away.

For me, I couldn't stay in the room, or on the phone and get back in control....at least not at first.

I hope your daughter gets better soon. Having a sick baby just makes everything seem so much worse. Hopefully, getting some rest will help you.

Love, hugs and prayers!

Amy

teke

sorry to hear about your baby and i hope she feels better soon. i also think its a good thing for you to recognize your own actions, now that you have, you will be more able to get back on track. maybe it will also help if you could remember why he's not there in the first place at least he's still willing to help by offering to help you get the rest you might need.

i do understand how hard it can be to have to handle these types of situations and i do pray that this too will past for you.

cassandra2

Thank you all for your kind replies.

I am exhausted. I am frazzled. I have been on the "worried mother" train for the last couple of days and that in itself is enough to make you exhausted.

After saying all of that I have to admit that when I "heard" the words "I dont need a break, I think you should stay here, that will be my break." I realized just how dumb that sounded, not to mention the control freak in me. I just couldnt believe I said that. I am REFUSING help. I am REFUSING rest. All in the name of "your not doing what I think YOU should be doing."

I felt so embarrassed by that. When he was getting ready to leave and the baby started freaking out that he was going and started saying "No, I go with in daddy's truck." I looked at him and said she should go with you.

After about 10 mins of them being gone I called him just to say thank you. That felt good.

I know that I am probably being extra hard on myself just because of the nerve racking last couple of days but like I said I am also starting to see what my behavior is doing to myself. Making ME CRAZY.

Deep breathing and a good nights sleep and tomorrow will be a new day. I need to spend more time here posting and reading and working on making me a better me...

Thank you all again for your loving kind words. I feel better and know that I will get some rest tonight.

I am thankful that I have this place to keep coming back to. A RABF that is still clean. The ability to see that I am off track. And the tools I need to get back on track.

Thanks...

cassandra2

Thanks Cynical...We must have posted at the same time...I never even thought to apply the HALT slogan to me (cause after all I am just a codie)

Amy, you were alot of help...Biting my tongue is an option. Feels good to know that that is allowed, so to speak....

Anvil, your right, I need to just worry about the baby getting better.

Teke, your right, he is NOT here for a reason....

Outtolunch, your right, I WILL give myself a break....