I'm New and Frustrated
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Oregon
Posts: 8
I'm New and Frustrated
This is my first post here, I'm new. I'm so glad to have found this forum because sometimes it's really hard to make time for Alanon meetings.
In the last year I have gotten married, had a beautiful baby and sent my husband to rehab twice for oxi/heroin addiction. To say the least it has been eventful and amazingly stressful. I guess you never know how much you can endure until you are tested.
I married him NOT knowing he had a drug problem. I have never seen him do drugs. He always has had a steady, good job. I knew he was financially strained but he always told me he was paying off bills from his previous marriage. (he was divorced a year before we got married). I believed him. I find out later that he was spending over a thousand dollars a month on drugs.
I now find myself overwhelmingly unhappy, confused and angry. I can't remember the last time I looked at him without flashing to him doing drugs. I myself have never done drugs and I haven't drank alcohol, by choice, in 8 years. Half the time I feel like I want a divorce and the other half the time I think it would be too hard with out him. I'm so indecisive.
I feel like all the lying, deceit, manipulation and loneliness is hidden under this umbrella of "addiction". "He did it because he is an addict", "he has two sides to him" and "the real him would not have done that". It's hard for me to grasp. I understand the concept but I don't think it should be a get out of jail free card.
Ugh! Today I'm frustrated.
In the last year I have gotten married, had a beautiful baby and sent my husband to rehab twice for oxi/heroin addiction. To say the least it has been eventful and amazingly stressful. I guess you never know how much you can endure until you are tested.
I married him NOT knowing he had a drug problem. I have never seen him do drugs. He always has had a steady, good job. I knew he was financially strained but he always told me he was paying off bills from his previous marriage. (he was divorced a year before we got married). I believed him. I find out later that he was spending over a thousand dollars a month on drugs.
I now find myself overwhelmingly unhappy, confused and angry. I can't remember the last time I looked at him without flashing to him doing drugs. I myself have never done drugs and I haven't drank alcohol, by choice, in 8 years. Half the time I feel like I want a divorce and the other half the time I think it would be too hard with out him. I'm so indecisive.
I feel like all the lying, deceit, manipulation and loneliness is hidden under this umbrella of "addiction". "He did it because he is an addict", "he has two sides to him" and "the real him would not have done that". It's hard for me to grasp. I understand the concept but I don't think it should be a get out of jail free card.
Ugh! Today I'm frustrated.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: FL
Posts: 14,246
Welcome to SR.
You're in the right place and soon there will be others who will stop by and share their experience, strength and hope. (ESH)
Until then, there's plenty of helpful information stored in the sticky threads at the top of the forum page.
You're in the right place and soon there will be others who will stop by and share their experience, strength and hope. (ESH)
Until then, there's plenty of helpful information stored in the sticky threads at the top of the forum page.
work in progress
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: the sunshine state
Posts: 623
Well you sure did come to the right place! My AH's DOC is opiates, so I can definitely relate.
There are so many great people here that will help you along the way.
Just read everything you can, give yourself some time and know that you are not alone.
Things will get clearer...it might not get easy, but it can get better for you.
My thoughts are with you and I am so glad you found SR. It has helped Me learn alot about myself and addiction, just as it will for you too.
There are so many great people here that will help you along the way.
Just read everything you can, give yourself some time and know that you are not alone.
Things will get clearer...it might not get easy, but it can get better for you.
My thoughts are with you and I am so glad you found SR. It has helped Me learn alot about myself and addiction, just as it will for you too.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Watching the sunrise
Posts: 104
I'm so glad you are here! You will find help, support and, most importantly, honesty. I am sorry for what you are going through. Try and take things one step at a time right now. Read everything you can here so you will know what to expect from him. My son's addictions were killing me until I found this site. It has saved my sanity and given me hope....for myself. ♥ Hunny
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: The Burgh
Posts: 1,991
Welcome Enlightenment.
I can understand your frustration with what may seem to be a pass for their behavior. It took me a while to understand that it is not intended to excuse their behavior, but instead to better explain it.
My son is addicted to opiates. I know in my heart that if he could choose right now, he would choose to not be an addict. But wishing and doing the work are two different things.
He (my son) does what he does because he's an addict, not because we wants to. But that doesn't mean I have to accept it in my life. I can't control him, but can control aspects of my life. That's where the work comes in for us.
Read around and reach out...there's many here who understand.
(((Hugs)))
I can understand your frustration with what may seem to be a pass for their behavior. It took me a while to understand that it is not intended to excuse their behavior, but instead to better explain it.
My son is addicted to opiates. I know in my heart that if he could choose right now, he would choose to not be an addict. But wishing and doing the work are two different things.
He (my son) does what he does because he's an addict, not because we wants to. But that doesn't mean I have to accept it in my life. I can't control him, but can control aspects of my life. That's where the work comes in for us.
Read around and reach out...there's many here who understand.
(((Hugs)))
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Oregon
Posts: 8
Thank you all so much. I know I have a journey ahead of me, and hopefully it will be a bit easier now that I have other people to talk to the know what I'm going through. I appreciate all of the advice and thoughts on what I have shared!! I feel like for the first time in a while someone is listening to me!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
Posts: 3,909
welcome to s.r. i am glad you found us. my son is my addict & i watched him leave his wife at home & later his daughters. he drained the money dry & then came home. it is a long road with an addict & it is not an easy one. they will not stop for love or anything or anybody until they get ready. my son is 38 & has been doing this for 20yrss... is this what u want? he is now serving a 7yrs sentence in prison. how long will your husband do this??? do u want this for 20plus yrs?? my prayers are with you.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 951
Hi Enlightenment. Thank you for coming here and sharing.
When I read the last sentence in your first post, I thought of something my brother learned in rehab about our language regarding our emotions. He was taught to say "I feel X" rather than "I am X". Underscoring that we are not our emotions - We *feel* our emotions.
It's might sound silly or simple, but it's been powerful for me to separate what I am feeling from myself. It seems to help keep those emotions from taking over, and reminds me that while they have a purpose, they will also pass.
When I read the last sentence in your first post, I thought of something my brother learned in rehab about our language regarding our emotions. He was taught to say "I feel X" rather than "I am X". Underscoring that we are not our emotions - We *feel* our emotions.
It's might sound silly or simple, but it's been powerful for me to separate what I am feeling from myself. It seems to help keep those emotions from taking over, and reminds me that while they have a purpose, they will also pass.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Originally Posted by enlightenment 
I married him NOT knowing he had a drug problem.
"He did it because he is an addict", "he has two sides to him" and "the real him would not have done that".
Is it possible that the two sides of him might be nothing more than who you want him to be versus the reality of who he is?
grateful rca
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
Posts: 4,671
hi, welcome. the addict in my life is my hubby of 23yrs. it took me 21yrs to find out that i couldn't help him, he had to want to help himself. i finally HAD to separate myself from him. in trying to stick around and cope with him and his behavior, i found myself literally going insane and being dragged down with him.
btw, i'm a recovering addict too with a few yrs clean but it took for my family to step back and allow me to suffer the consequences of my own action before i could see for myself how destructive and out of control my life had become. then and only then was i ready and willing to seek help for myself and stick to a plan of recovery. i'm totally grateful that they choose to save themselves. in doing that, they helped me to want to save myself.
geat advice above. get educated and seek help for yourself by continuing to come here and try alanon or naranon f2f support groups for yourself. keeping you and your family in my prayers.
btw, i'm a recovering addict too with a few yrs clean but it took for my family to step back and allow me to suffer the consequences of my own action before i could see for myself how destructive and out of control my life had become. then and only then was i ready and willing to seek help for myself and stick to a plan of recovery. i'm totally grateful that they choose to save themselves. in doing that, they helped me to want to save myself.
geat advice above. get educated and seek help for yourself by continuing to come here and try alanon or naranon f2f support groups for yourself. keeping you and your family in my prayers.
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