enlightenment

This is my first post here, I'm new. I'm so glad to have found this forum because sometimes it's really hard to make time for Alanon meetings.

In the last year I have gotten married, had a beautiful baby and sent my husband to rehab twice for oxi/heroin addiction. To say the least it has been eventful and amazingly stressful. I guess you never know how much you can endure until you are tested.

I married him NOT knowing he had a drug problem. I have never seen him do drugs. He always has had a steady, good job. I knew he was financially strained but he always told me he was paying off bills from his previous marriage. (he was divorced a year before we got married). I believed him. I find out later that he was spending over a thousand dollars a month on drugs.

I now find myself overwhelmingly unhappy, confused and angry. I can't remember the last time I looked at him without flashing to him doing drugs. I myself have never done drugs and I haven't drank alcohol, by choice, in 8 years. Half the time I feel like I want a divorce and the other half the time I think it would be too hard with out him. I'm so indecisive.

I feel like all the lying, deceit, manipulation and loneliness is hidden under this umbrella of "addiction". "He did it because he is an addict", "he has two sides to him" and "the real him would not have done that". It's hard for me to grasp. I understand the concept but I don't think it should be a get out of jail free card.

Ugh! Today I'm frustrated.