Letting go of expectations
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,384
Letting go of expectations
I've been having trouble with my expectations of how I think RABF should act and what I think he should do with his life. I feel frustrated because he has gained and lost 2 jobs in the past month. He is blaming the problems on his bosses, of course.
He seems to be taking care of himself, I guess. I don't know, because I'm at work all day. I think I've built up some resentment. I work all day, and then I have to hear him complain about what a difficult day he's had.
I think he's been sober for a year, although I have no way of knowing for sure. I guess I feel like we should have some kind of normal life where we both go to work each day. I know I wish that he would make money so that I would feel less pressure with my own problems with money. I know that part of my problem is that I can't get my own work/money/school situation together. It seems like it would be easier for me if he would do certain things.
It's the little things that annoy me. For example, I would love it if we would eat dinner sooner. However, if I want to do so, I have to do it myself. He will help with dinner. It's just that it will take him forever, and I will be starving by the time he does it.
We've been together for 13 years, so you'd think I'd just accept some things the way they are or move on. I think I'm just doing the usual codie thing of trying to control things around me that are out of my control.
He seems to be taking care of himself, I guess. I don't know, because I'm at work all day. I think I've built up some resentment. I work all day, and then I have to hear him complain about what a difficult day he's had.
I think he's been sober for a year, although I have no way of knowing for sure. I guess I feel like we should have some kind of normal life where we both go to work each day. I know I wish that he would make money so that I would feel less pressure with my own problems with money. I know that part of my problem is that I can't get my own work/money/school situation together. It seems like it would be easier for me if he would do certain things.
It's the little things that annoy me. For example, I would love it if we would eat dinner sooner. However, if I want to do so, I have to do it myself. He will help with dinner. It's just that it will take him forever, and I will be starving by the time he does it.
We've been together for 13 years, so you'd think I'd just accept some things the way they are or move on. I think I'm just doing the usual codie thing of trying to control things around me that are out of my control.
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Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 126
When my AH came back from rehab I had a very similar problem. I sort of wanted things to pick up where they left of before he became addicted and it just wasn't that way at all. In fact I sort of expected him to come back and try harder as if he was proving how sorry he was. I did put a lot of unneeded stress on myself over and should have just accepted that he was clean and working to stay clean.
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Kansas
Posts: 190
I've been told that expectation, leads to resentment.
I have yet to figure out how NOT to have expectations in a marriage. I just don't understand WHY I shouldn't have any expectations of my RAH.
This is exactly how I felt, and still do. I think if he really wanted to make the relationship work, after he made such a mess of things, he'd work really hard to make things better. It's just not happening. I don't know if it is because he just doesn't know how, or if it is because he just isn't doing what I THINK he should be doing.
Either way, I know that I have no control over him and what he does, or doesn't do. I am responsible for me and my happiness, and if that means making decisions and choices I really don't want to make, all I can do right now is pray for the courage and strength to make them.
I EXPECTED things to be much better and different by now. My husband has been clean for 16 months, but it's not really much better.
I have yet to figure out how NOT to have expectations in a marriage. I just don't understand WHY I shouldn't have any expectations of my RAH.
In fact I sort of expected him to come back and try harder as if he was proving how sorry he was.
Either way, I know that I have no control over him and what he does, or doesn't do. I am responsible for me and my happiness, and if that means making decisions and choices I really don't want to make, all I can do right now is pray for the courage and strength to make them.
I EXPECTED things to be much better and different by now. My husband has been clean for 16 months, but it's not really much better.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
I think there are reasonable expectations in marriage and they're based on the vows we exchanged. It's a contract. Resentment creeps in when a spouse doesn't live up to or honor the contract, or in my case, when my husband doesn't do whatever in my time frame or the way I want. It's definitely a control issue for me and resentment builds when I don't seek a personal outlet/ resolution.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,384
My RABF has had so many changes over the last year of sobriety. A lot of changes have been good because he has been working on ways to spend his free time that are more healthy. I acknowledge that he has made improvements in that area. He has been focused on healthy hobbies.
However, he isn't working. He's had 3 bad experiences with work, and all of them have been the bosses' fault. He tells me how bad these bosses are. They are so awful, and of course, he is the victim. He agrees that part of it is with his own faults. However, he is pretty focused on blaming them and whining.
Wuzzled, I do have a lot of expectations with him being clean. Being clean does not automatically mean that he has things together. RABF has even stopped the tobacco, so I know I should be grateful.
My RABF has used substances since he was a teenager. Through all of his working years, he used marijuana when he worked. Later, he used opiates to help himself concentrate, and to get a lot accomplished. He is not as motivated as he used to be.
I see him using a lot of excuses and doing a lot of whining about work. It's hard for me to stomach because I work full-time. I have plenty of stress with my work, but I go each day because that's what I have to do to survive. I would love to have a different job, but the economy is poor. So, I do what I have to do. He prefers to spend his retirement and play around until he finds the right job. He is in his 40's, but he acts like a teenager. I guess he is, since that's when he started using.
However, he isn't working. He's had 3 bad experiences with work, and all of them have been the bosses' fault. He tells me how bad these bosses are. They are so awful, and of course, he is the victim. He agrees that part of it is with his own faults. However, he is pretty focused on blaming them and whining.
Wuzzled, I do have a lot of expectations with him being clean. Being clean does not automatically mean that he has things together. RABF has even stopped the tobacco, so I know I should be grateful.
My RABF has used substances since he was a teenager. Through all of his working years, he used marijuana when he worked. Later, he used opiates to help himself concentrate, and to get a lot accomplished. He is not as motivated as he used to be.
I see him using a lot of excuses and doing a lot of whining about work. It's hard for me to stomach because I work full-time. I have plenty of stress with my work, but I go each day because that's what I have to do to survive. I would love to have a different job, but the economy is poor. So, I do what I have to do. He prefers to spend his retirement and play around until he finds the right job. He is in his 40's, but he acts like a teenager. I guess he is, since that's when he started using.
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 1,287
Thanks bluebell - I understand how hard it can be to let go of those expectations and also how it's hard to know when our expectations are reasonable (more like boundaries I suppose) and when they are controlling.
Expectations are tough...or at least the letting go of them, for me. This has been a big one for me because the way I see things seems to make so much sense!!
If only he/she/they would do it MY way, things would be perfect!! Like a friend of mine says, "Why don't they just all follow MYscript?" Very recently, I really started to look at how I have messed some things up in my own life and began to see MY way isn't necessarily the best/right way. I don't know...I know I'm smart and I mean well and I have a lot of good ideas for how things should be done - but not everybody is like me.
For today I'm trying to work on making wise choices, for me, and letting others make choices for themselves. It's a daily struggle sometimes. Just the other day my husband and I were driving home in the car and he was banging the middle console to the beat of a song on the radio. Now mind you, I'm trying really hard to NOT pay attention to his (poor IMO, LOL) driving and I just can't stop thinking he's going to break the console. So I say to him: I worry about the banging breaking the console. He keeps doing it. I repeat. He keeps doing it. Finally I have to say....stop that, please! It's his car too - so should I have just accepted it and moved on? Probably. He has HIS way of doing things too and he often lets me know how I should the do the dishes.
OK, I know this is a small thing....not like getting/keeping a job or staying clean. And like Chino said, there are certain things each partner should do in a marriage for it to be a healthy partnership. What I have trouble with is finding where to draw that line of what I need to be in any relationship and what I should realistically expect from others - while giving them the freedom to be themselves just as I expect the freedom to be me.
Spiritual Seeker said something in another thread about "Learning where I end and others begin." I really like this and strive for this kind of growth - this is how she explained it:
Expectations are tough...or at least the letting go of them, for me. This has been a big one for me because the way I see things seems to make so much sense!!
If only he/she/they would do it MY way, things would be perfect!! Like a friend of mine says, "Why don't they just all follow MYscript?" Very recently, I really started to look at how I have messed some things up in my own life and began to see MY way isn't necessarily the best/right way. I don't know...I know I'm smart and I mean well and I have a lot of good ideas for how things should be done - but not everybody is like me. For today I'm trying to work on making wise choices, for me, and letting others make choices for themselves. It's a daily struggle sometimes. Just the other day my husband and I were driving home in the car and he was banging the middle console to the beat of a song on the radio. Now mind you, I'm trying really hard to NOT pay attention to his (poor IMO, LOL) driving and I just can't stop thinking he's going to break the console. So I say to him: I worry about the banging breaking the console. He keeps doing it. I repeat. He keeps doing it. Finally I have to say....stop that, please! It's his car too - so should I have just accepted it and moved on? Probably. He has HIS way of doing things too and he often lets me know how I should the do the dishes.
OK, I know this is a small thing....not like getting/keeping a job or staying clean. And like Chino said, there are certain things each partner should do in a marriage for it to be a healthy partnership. What I have trouble with is finding where to draw that line of what I need to be in any relationship and what I should realistically expect from others - while giving them the freedom to be themselves just as I expect the freedom to be me.
Spiritual Seeker said something in another thread about "Learning where I end and others begin." I really like this and strive for this kind of growth - this is how she explained it:
Originally Posted by Spiritual Seeker 
I was too codependent and controlling with my family members.
Often offering unsolicited advice, criticizing if they did things in a way contrary to the way I thought they should be done, telling them what to do, spending inappropriate time thinking about what they needed or what they needed to be doing, bossing, enforcing the rules, etc.
Now I live and let live; I don't give unsolicited advice; I am much better at staying focused on myself; I practice acceptance; I've lessened my need for perfection; I LISTEN; I express how I feel and let others do the same; I only have expectations for myself; I am much more loving, compassionate and generous; I've loosened my grip on life and situations. I have come to believe in a power greater than myself. I practice gratitude.
My loved ones respond & interact differently w/ me now due to the changes I made. Life is a whole lot better and no one had to change but me. That's really all I have control of and I understand this now.
Often offering unsolicited advice, criticizing if they did things in a way contrary to the way I thought they should be done, telling them what to do, spending inappropriate time thinking about what they needed or what they needed to be doing, bossing, enforcing the rules, etc.
Now I live and let live; I don't give unsolicited advice; I am much better at staying focused on myself; I practice acceptance; I've lessened my need for perfection; I LISTEN; I express how I feel and let others do the same; I only have expectations for myself; I am much more loving, compassionate and generous; I've loosened my grip on life and situations. I have come to believe in a power greater than myself. I practice gratitude.
My loved ones respond & interact differently w/ me now due to the changes I made. Life is a whole lot better and no one had to change but me. That's really all I have control of and I understand this now.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 1,287
Originally Posted by bluebelle
My RABF has had so many changes over the last year of sobriety. A lot of changes have been good because he has been working on ways to spend his free time that are more healthy. I acknowledge that he has made improvements in that area. He has been focused on healthy hobbies.
However, he isn't working. He's had 3 bad experiences with work, and all of them have been the bosses' fault. He tells me how bad these bosses are. They are so awful, and of course, he is the victim. He agrees that part of it is with his own faults. However, he is pretty focused on blaming them and whining.
Wuzzled, I do have a lot of expectations with him being clean. Being clean does not automatically mean that he has things together. RABF has even stopped the tobacco, so I know I should be grateful.
My RABF has used substances since he was a teenager. Through all of his working years, he used marijuana when he worked. Later, he used opiates to help himself concentrate, and to get a lot accomplished. He is not as motivated as he used to be.
I see him using a lot of excuses and doing a lot of whining about work. It's hard for me to stomach because I work full-time. I have plenty of stress with my work, but I go each day because that's what I have to do to survive. I would love to have a different job, but the economy is poor. So, I do what I have to do. He prefers to spend his retirement and play around until he finds the right job. He is in his 40's, but he acts like a teenager. I guess he is, since that's when he started using.
However, he isn't working. He's had 3 bad experiences with work, and all of them have been the bosses' fault. He tells me how bad these bosses are. They are so awful, and of course, he is the victim. He agrees that part of it is with his own faults. However, he is pretty focused on blaming them and whining.
Wuzzled, I do have a lot of expectations with him being clean. Being clean does not automatically mean that he has things together. RABF has even stopped the tobacco, so I know I should be grateful.
My RABF has used substances since he was a teenager. Through all of his working years, he used marijuana when he worked. Later, he used opiates to help himself concentrate, and to get a lot accomplished. He is not as motivated as he used to be.
I see him using a lot of excuses and doing a lot of whining about work. It's hard for me to stomach because I work full-time. I have plenty of stress with my work, but I go each day because that's what I have to do to survive. I would love to have a different job, but the economy is poor. So, I do what I have to do. He prefers to spend his retirement and play around until he finds the right job. He is in his 40's, but he acts like a teenager. I guess he is, since that's when he started using.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,384
He goes to a psychologist, talks regularly with his sober friends, he has some readings, has written in a journal, practices piano and guitar and exercises. He was keeping a daily record of everything with a checklist of what he needed to do. He stopped that about a month ago. I would like him to continue, but I haven't said a word. I'm trying to stay out of it.
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