ladyhawk69

C,
I sit here in wonder, a victim of the path you have once again traveled. I can't eat, I haven't slept in our bed yet. I am angry, sad, happy, confused. We were so good together for such a long time. Never in my life have I known love before..........until you. I would will you to call me and you would. You and I could speak without talking. We both used to laugh about finishing each others' sentences...............and now I morn the old you because the "new" you has taken over. I hope you find what you are looking for, I truly do. I love you enough to let you go but I love myself more and have to let you go. Maybe in another life we can try again. I can't wait to meet the sober you and my soul will hang in balance until that day comes. My body however in this life has to go on. I have many days when I think "I've been here before". I also think you and I have done this before. I believe we keep coming back to this earth until we do it right. This time I want to get it right. Not only for me, but for my beautiful children.

Goodbye...........
I will always love you,

Me

damnedone

wow this has really brought tears into my eyes (((HUGS)))

I wish you the best and I really admire you for your strenght to go on. I wish I could move on too, but a part of me is telling me that I shouldn't run away.. not yet. But yeah, I agree at some point maybe it has to be done =/

ladyhawk69

You are strong enough and you should. If you love something, set it free................Especially if you love yourself too! It hurts, I won't say it doesn't. There's a song by Jamie O'Neill called "Brave". In that song the verse that says it best is:

"I've discovered pain is a beginning to a change"

You'll be OK and so will I. We also have to surrender to our HP and believe that everything in our lives does happen for a reason. Someday we will understand. But not yet.................

ncgirl

Kiki:
It is said in Alanon that it is ok to love an alcoholic or addict. And we do, deeply. I am also going through the mourning process of giving up someone whom I adore. He loves the drug more. Maybe that will change one day, maybe not. But for me, everytime I go back with him and he picks up, I say to myself "I am not going to allow myself to feel this pain anymore". Maybe for me, this time it will stick. Maybe he will decide to get help, though I doubt it.
I write him lots of emails and delete them. Explaining myself to him never really worked. If he understood or not, he always chose the drug when the obsession/compulsion reared its head. He wanted to me to "be with him" so he would not have to hide what he was doing, and I tried that for a bit. Hated every bit of it. I don't use and watching him rocket to another planet and cower under the covers, cover the windows with sheets, turn off the lights and jump up to score more whenever the stuff ran out, made me so, so sad. What kind of intimacy is loving someone who is intimate with a crack pipe or bottle? There is none.
And my guy did have the ability to pull it together every so often. Always surprised me, but I knew that every clean and sober minute he had, was one minute closer to him picking up. He had no program, hates AA, you have probably heard it. So take away the drugs and he was still the addict/alcoholic, just not wasted. Same issues. Same problems, just pushed down because he thinks dealing with his issues are useless, and that stopping is the answer. Stopping is not the same as quitting. I am so grateful for this site and these boards.
Hugs to you.

NC Girl

ladyhawk69

Yes, I have heard it all like you said. Thank you VERY much for your post. This time it hurt deeper, it was the drug and a woman.............deal breaker.

Thank you

Kim

kptsj

Instead of writing emails to him and deleting them I email them to myself and and keep them in a special folder. I don't let myself delete them anymore. That way I can look back at the emails I sent a year ago and see the hope I had and the cycling constantly repeating.

ladyhawk69

I have a journal I write in. Funny I wrote THAT August 8, 2009 Yes, the cycle does repeat itself over over over over over