brokeNheartok

I tried, I really did, I didn't want to say anything that might be upsetting to him but when he called today and could tell I was upset he asked what was wrong and my first reply was "oh nothing just a little drained, I'll be ok" and he said "don't lie to me, I can hear it in your voice, you my dear are the worst liar I've ever had the pleasure of loving" and I just let him have it! I don't know what happened or where it came from or how the words escaped my mouth but I couldn't hold back. I told him I hated what he had done to me and the kids and that he had left me all alone to clean up his mess, that I was angry at him for betraying my trust and lying to me. I also told him that the worst part is that I want to hate him and as a Christian woman I am not supposed to have hate in my heart but this crap, this crap he did is allowing the devil to work on me.

I couldn't even spend the Holiday with my family, I spent it alone because I don't know how to tell them. I'm so freaking angry right now that it scares me.

liesagain

you dont have to walk on eggshells
nothing you say will make him use or make him stop using..........you didnt cause this you cant cure it and you cant control it.

I would like to suggest that you read some of the sticky posts at the top of the forum........and stick around others will be along to offer their support

greeteachday

I'm sorry you are going through all this, but we all understand a little of what you feel. Don't beat yourself up...it is "normal" or as normal as things can be when someone is living with addiction, to feel the feeling you expressed. I believe it is part of the grief process. You are grieving the loss of what you believed in. I'm not saying that your relationship is dead or that you can not possibly be with this man - only you know that and it will probably take some time for you to figure out what will be. But the image of a love without addiction that you had...the sort of happily ever after world you may have pictured, isn't what you are facing now.

What helped me tremendously during the most trying parts of active addiction was to live in each moment...To not play the future-tripping game of stressing about all the worrisome things in tomorrows that may never happen. I had to break things down into very small pieces and focus on the here and now.

I'm sorry that you chose not to spend your holiday with loved ones because you did not know what to say. Perhaps just stating the facts in a limited way (something like: He has a drug addiction he has been battling and it caught up with him...I would prefer to just enjoy the holiday and not talk about it too much right now) would allow you to get past that hurdle without having to get a ton of advice from folks who haven't walked in your shoes.

As others have said in other posts, face to face meetings like CoDa and Alanon or Naranon are a huge help in walking through this pain and finding a better way.