Suspicious

For the first time AH has dipped into our account for money. He went to the ATM on the 19th and never told me. He also got $50 worth of gas on Fri and then got $42 in gas on Mon. I know he didnt use that much gas so I am just guessing that he is trading gas for pills now.

Should I confront him? I know I will get some bs excuse so I know it will not accomplish anything that way. I also know that if he is going to do it then there isnt much I can do to stop it short of getting the money out of his reach. I just think that he might not keep taking money out of our account if he thinks I am looking for this now... at least for a while anyway. I know that confronting him wont make him stop this (in the long run) but I just cant help thinking that if I just say nothing then he will think he got away with it and he will just do it more.

He has side jobs that I have thought for a while is how he is funding this but last couple weeks he has been planning on using all the money from the current side jobs to pay for a new motor in his work truck. I am hoping that if I confront him he will just take on more work to cover his habit. I feel so cold about him right now. I know that basically what I am saying is 'I cant stop him from doing this so if he is going to continue then all I care about is that he not use his actual paycheck to fund it'. Since leaving now isnt an option all I care about right now is to keep him from effecting our home life for as long as I can hold it off.

sailorjohn

Every 'confrontation' I had with the addict in my life never went well, I'm sure someone here can offer better advice than I can.

Ann

Whether you decide to confront him or not, I would take extreme care to protect your bank account and any money or valuables you may have. Even confronted, many continue to steal.

I see nothing wrong with sitting down and telling him what you know and how you feel. The hard part is to stay calm and not let this become a heated argument.

My heart goes out to you, it's sad and hard watching your family life and financial situation sliding downhill.

Hugs

ElegantlyWasted

An intervention style confrontation. Not sure how well they work in the real world, but they look good on tv. An aside... Hbo has a great website on addiction. I think an intervention/ confrontation never would have worked for me. I had to wear my self down to the point of surrender. Realization of the unmanageability of how I was living. I got sick and tired of getting sick and tired and all the acting/lying to cover it up and continue my usual tailspin of abuse. Love sailorjohn's brevity of words and what it implies. He will more than likely continue to use regardless of what you do or how much you love him.

BigSis

We can set boundaries, but cannot predict outcomes.

Can you move some money into a safe place so that only you have access? Is he the only one contributing financially? If so, he may decide one day to just cash his check and not deposit it at all... or a smaller amount than you expect.

If you have income of your own, I don't think it is unreasonable to open a private account and not share the pin number with him. As Ann says, you are protecting yourself from his addiction.

How it turns out is how it turns out.


Addiction/alcoholism is sometimes called the "elephant in the room"... you know, the one we can all see, hear, smell and almost taste... but NO ONE talks about? That elephant is sleeping in your bed, eating at your table and sometimes lying straight to your face.

Addiction is powerful. It is primary. Chronic. Progressive.

What you have today is likely better than you will have in the future. That is progressive part.

If he quits entirely, the disease is still there... that is the chronic part. All it would take is one pill, one drink, one smoke and the dragon is awake again.

It is primary in that it is not a result or side effect of some other condition. It is not a result of family environment and cannot be controlled by changing that environment. It is not a condition brought on by anything other than genetics.


And it wounds everyone it touches.



As you go forward with this elephant in the room, you might want to consider breaking its secrecy. It is there. It is real. It will cause pain. You can't control it, but living with it will take some cleverness on your part. Protecting yourself physically, emotionally, financially and your intimacy will all be on you.

What keeps me sane is Alanon. They help me to figure out what it is I need, what it is I can and cannot do with my addicted loved ones, and what does and does not work. They help me think reasonably in an unreasonable world.

I wish you the best. ((hugs))

Taking5

This is EXACTLY what I did in my drinking/drugging days, only I used the COMPANY credit card! I got away with it too.

Should you confront him? I would take steps to protect the money first. Trust me, if you do nothing you'll end up missing 4 or 5 grand. Then you can let him know that you know what went on, so he forced you to protect your assets.

Will this knock sense into him? Doubtful.

URMYEVERYTHING

I agree... secure the money before and if you confront him.

BohemiMamaof3

I agree also. It's no coincidence you found this theft of money right now, and are fortunate it's a relatively small amount. So learn the lesson and protect yourself and your assets!!! Then you can decide if you want to confront it it with him or not, and how you'd like to go about that if you do.

Suspicious

thanks everyone. all your advice were very helpful

llm

Hi Suspicious... my situation is a bit different than yours... my husband and I found out recently our 22 year old son (lives with us) is addicted to opiates.. shooting them. We planned our confrontation... we were very calm, precise etc. My son has a horrible temper, he has destroyed many things in our house. Before we confronted him we removed all potential weapons (knives etc) from the kitchen, had the phone ready to call 911 when we confronted him. It actually was totally different than we expected. So good luck when you approach your husband... be calm, concerned and have some options for treatments for him. We were surprised by our son's reaction.

cessy68

Conforntation never works...... (at least in my situation), at best, I get the "i know" "I'm gonna stop"..... "it won't happen again"............. even though he is admitting a problem, he uses that to make me feel sorry for him. I used to get caught in the, "oh he's admitting a problem-- there is hope"...........

NOW I know it's as laurie says, HES QUACKING.... to take the heat off of him.

SO regardless if they are responsive/violent/blameing/sad/ etc.... it's NOT AUTHENTIC!!!!!

THe only authentic move they make is in their ACTIONS! I have for now choosen to let my addict believe that he has me snowed. Yep, he believes, that I BELIEVE his b.s. that he BELIEVES!!! In the meantime, I completely protect myself. Although we don't share the same bank account, everynow and again, he'd say to me "can I have 40 for gas till I get to the bank............." then getting it back was like pulling teeth.

SO I protect myself. I told him that I give my parents all of my money, so that I don't spend it. All the bills get paid from my parents account. (not true but he believes it because I did used to buy one too many pairs of shoes)........ lol.

Now there is NO CASH ON ME to give him. oops, sorry hon.

DO something/anything similar. Make up an excuse of why you had to close your joint account, and put all of the money in your own account with only your name on it. Tell him you couldn't put him on it, because he wasn't there with you to sign the paperwork, and you'll do it another time. If he is like a typical addict, he won't be around during normal banking hours to attend to those kinds of menial tasks........ (like signing bank paperwork.)

Good luck,
Love,
Cess

LostInTheWorld

in my experience..... confrontations don't result with a resolution - at all. It's a personal decision you have to make, but ensure your financial and physical safety first

Suspicious

Well, I did confront and it was all quack quack out of his mouth. Then I came up with the bright idea to demand that he set his check up on direct deposit. That didnt go over too well. To be honest, I dont think it is cuz he is planning on taking the whole check or even slipping some out of it if he makes the deposit... I really do think I punched him in the pride with that. Not that I dont think that he might get to that point or that his pride would keep him from doing that if he was at that point. But he really isnt at that point now and I know that he doesnt think he ever will be.

It is very strained between us now... we both said things we shouldnt have... he was the one who put it out there that if this is the way things are going to be maybe we should just end it. Part of me wants to think that it was all bluff and an attempt to control me cuz he knows I am not in a position to leave right now. But there is also the part of me that worries that my crazy, paranoid fear is what is truly ruining our marriage.

So, how do you manage to keep up the facade of believing him? Because I sooooo much want to be able to do that.

splendra

I have 5 addicts in my life and for me the only value in pretending with any of them is usually a peace keeping tactic. I can't confront 24/7 but I don't want to keep things in an uproar either. They know I can smell the BS and that part keeps me sane. Believing a lie is so destructive for me personally I can always discern that I am believing something that is not true by the way I feel so crazy until I see the truth of a matter.

Suspicious

Splendra,

I dont want to actually believe the lies I just want to know how to act like I believe.... hell at this point I would be happy if I could figure out just how to control my need to confront his lies. I couldnt care less whether he thinks he has me convinced or knows that I dont believe him. I just want to be able to accept that I know what I know WITHOUT feeling the need to bust him out on all his bs and in detail describe how I know it is bs. Do I really think he is going to pat me on the back some day and tell me how smart I am to figure out all his lies??? Do I think it proves me less stupid to know what is bs and still stay than I would be if I ate his bs up like pudding??? Maybe that is part of it... I feel stupid for letting myself get into a position financially that I cant be one of those strong, independent woman who at the first sign of cheating, abuse, addiction, whatever.... who pack their bags and dont let the door hit them in the behind as they get on with their lives without that 'loser'. So by pointing out all his bs and how I know it is bs I think I can feel better about myself but it never works out that way.... all the constant conflict does is keep me focused on the problem and not able to put any effort into fixing MY situation. And he keeps on doing what he is doing knowing that for all my knowledge of his problem it doesnt matter for squat cuz I cant do anything about it.

hello-kitty

Why do you want to keep living a lie? And for how long?

What's your plan, Suspicious?

JadedOne2009

Yes, Suspicious...we are eerily similar. Right down to being children of the 80's!! LOL

I, too, struggle with having the compulsion to expose his lies. And you're right - he is never going to come to me and say "Thank you for pointing out I'm lying to you." So, why do I do it? I guess I don't want him to think he's gotten the best of me. Although, I've been changing as far as that goes. I handle the lies on a case by case basis. Sometimes I pretend not to know simply to gather more evidence, or to see how it's going to pan out, or just because I want peace in the house that night. Not a good way to live.

And, I feel the same away - I used to be the woman people came to for advice. I'd always tell my girlfriends: Be strong; be independent; you have to make yourself happy before you can be happy with anyone else; don't rely on a man, keep your outside interests, etc, etc. Arrgghh! I have now BECOME the poster child for what NOT to become.

Chino

My husband and I used to do that all the time. Always one upping the other, in whatever situation. By the way, he's not addicted to a substance, but I am (nicotine and caffeine).

It became a game and both of us rose to the challenge. Problem was, it moved beyond lighthearted fun and became combative, bitter. It came very close to contempt and I knew we were headed towards irreparable damage.

I'm the one who finally said that's it, I quit, I'm calling uncle. His victory was short lived when he realized he no longer had a sparring partner. Same thing happened with my daughter.

I had to get tired of the game before anything changed.

cessy68

Oke doke............... somehow knew that would cause a stir.........

anyhow, what I'm saying, if for some reason you feel it necessary to stay involved with an addict (meaning husband... signifigant other) for a plethera (sp?) of reasons.......... then this is what I feel it comes down to.

IF YOU DECIDE TO ASK A 'QUESTION' to them......... YOU WILL MOST LIKELY GET A FRIGGIN LIE OUT OF THEM FOR AN ANSWER>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

SOOOOOOOOOOOOO, you have a choice to make. Either DO NOT ASK A QUESTION, or WHEN they give you the b.s. answer just yep and nod them to death. WHATEVER>>>>>>>>>>>> they KNOW THAT YOU KNOW. If they don't then they ACTUALLY BELIEVE THAT THEY FOOLED YOU OR HAVE YOU SNOWED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SO BE IT!

YOU KNOW THE TRUTH. (so don't bother asking). OR if you do, let them think they got one on you...... it has become a joke to ME.

It is MY way of dealing with it. SO when he tells me a bold face lie, about not doing drugs....... and having money, that he's NOT wasteing all of his income on pills, then I say, "O.k. honey......I know. I don't know why I thought differnt. Just make sure you give me the check for the oil on Friday, its 500.00." and he responds with o.k. i will............

And believe you me, the 500 gets paid on Friday, or there is hell to pay. Basically I put him in the position, to back up his own b.s. words, come hell or hi-water, he will get that 500 so he isn't trapped into me telling him "I told you so" and "you lied".

ITS ON HIM TO COVER HIS OWN B.S!

P.s.

the ONLY time that covering his tracks will not be tolerated by me, is if he is putting me or my family in danger. Ie, if he brings any drugs into my home, or if he is screwing around with other women ............... (diseases) etc.

Thats where I draw my line.

We all have our own tolerance level.

Hope that makes some sort of sense.

Love,
Cess

splendra

Control did someone say the "C" word? :omg that's what us codies do is try to control;
let go instead.
Is it a need? You need air, shelter, clothing, food and water like everyone else. Confronting an addict pifff...just remember how to tell that an addict is lying: their lips are moving.