Puggrinz

Well as some of you know my AAH left the family home about six weeks ago.

So I have been working my own recovery through Al-Anon. One of the most liberating things I have learned is that I can do nothing to make the addict do what I want. Step one: I am powerless over alcohol.

Ok, so what do I do with meddling friends? These are basically friends of his who are determined, and I mean determined, to try and get the addict to see what he is doing. They have tried guilt, shame, begging, everything, to try and get the addict to come home.

I keep telling them to "Let Go and Let God." That right now, in his addiction, my AAH is not hearing anything--it's like talking to a brick wall.

They say to me: "I am so sorry. He wants a divorce. He's not backing down."

I say to them: "There is nothing I can do if he decides to go forward with the divorce. In his more lucid moments I let him know the door is open and so is my heart and arms. That is all I can do."

They just keep going on an on about how determined he is to get the divorce. How good I am, and ask how long will I put up with this. I try to tell them that no, I am not "good". I too made mistakes in the marriage. However, I am trying to work on MY OWN recovery. That right now I feel I could wait forever. That may or may not change. That is just how I feel tonight.

But they are so determined to get him to see the error of his ways. I am worried that this is going to interfere with him coming home eventually, as I am worried that my AAH is going to think I keep putting these people up to calling him and saying what they do.

WHICH I HAVE NOT AT ANY TIME SOLICITED THEIR HELP IN ANY WAY.
Their calling is completely on their own and what they say is completely their own thing. I don't discuss anything with them. They call me up to tell me they contacted the addict and what they said. Then I tell them what I have learned in Alanon, that until the addict wants it, recovery will not happen.

So have any of you faced anything like this? What did you do? Did you say anything to the friends? I would like to tell them to leave him alone, and have tried to hint at that, but I do know they think they are helping. But they aren't!

So is this me trying to control other people? I mean I can't really get them to stop, they don't seem to be listening to me.

I can't control the AAH. If he wants a divorce I can't make him not do it. I can protect myself legally, but I can't keep him from doing anything!

AAGH! Help me out guys!! Guilt doesn't work with addicts! I even told these friends that this time I was not going to beg him back. I had made sure he knew that when he was clean the door was open, but that HE had to come home of his own FREE WILL.

But they seem determined to try and force the issue. Which is not helping things. My biggest worry is that he thinks I put them up to it.

Serenity Bound

Sounds like it's time to not answer those phone calls. Just as you can't contol AAH you can't control friends. You can however set boundaries as c.o. pointed out.

This situation actually hit a note with me, as it seems my AD's H would continually call her friend just to see what AD was doing, where AD was at and to manipulate AD by saying just enough to scare/control AD (ie, I'm divorcing her, I have a new girlfriend, etc etc) knowing full well that this info would get back to AD.

So really it could be the same, YOU didn't put these friends up to this, however it's possible that AAH did.

Puggrinz

Thank you guys. I actually did at one point wonder if my AAH had put the friends up to tell me again how serious he is about the divorce. It all kind of feels like jr. highschool to me!
I think I will just have to tell them that I do not want to hear anything about my AAH.

I appreciate everybody's input!!