bluebelle

I have been having trouble with anxiety. I worry about all kinds of things, including worrying about the RABF's behavior. He still seems to be in recovery from pills/codeine. As far as I know, it's been 10 months that he's been in recovery. There are a couple things about his behavior that worries me, though. He still does not have a job. He claims that he looks and looks, but hasn't been able to find what he wants. He has savings to live off of--we do not share finances.

The other thing is that he is still involved in trading stocks. He had an addiction to trading stocks years ago, and lost lots of money. I am home today with a cold, and I can see that he is still obsessing over the stock trading. He claims that it gives him a break from looking for work. Poor him, he is having so much trouble finding a job, and it is so frustrating. (his words) So, he watches the stock market as a way to escape. He claims that he isn't taking any pills, and he can't go back to that. He then claims that I treat him like a child.

I know that I need to be focusing on myself, and that his behavior is out of my control. However, realizing that and putting it into practice are two different things. I wonder how long he can go without getting a job. We have good times together. He has been playing music more, exercising, etc. We have been together for 12 years, about 7 of those years he was in active addiction.

I guess I just need suggestions on how to let go, how to stop the worry, and how to stop trying to control his behavior.

hello-kitty

Everytime you recognize you are doing these things repeat the serenity prayer to yourself:

Grant me the serenity to accept I cannot change other people.
The courage to change the person I can.
And the wisdom to know it's me.

This is so true. Just like you can't work your boyfriends recovery for him, we can't work your recovery for you.

Are you in meetings? Counseling? Are you working on yourself? Have you read co-dependent no more or any books about co-dependency? Are you doing everything that you can for your own recovery?

bluebelle

I don't go to meetings, but I do see a psychiatrist. I talked to her today about the fact that my anxiety has been really bad. I've read the codependency books, and am currently doing one of the journal exercises in the Feeling Good Handbook. It seems like I've been doing a lot of worrying lately, and not just about the addict. I may be extra worried about his behavior lately because the last two years, his addiction came to a head in the fall, and he started recovery around the holidays.

hello-kitty

This is out of your control. Say the serenity prayer right now. :-)

I don't know bluebelle, it always helps me to hope for the best, but be prepared for the worst. And have firm boundaries in place for myself. That's all I can control - my reactions to someone elses actions. So if I am aware and prepared for the worst, at least I give myself the chance to get through the disaster somewhat in tact.

Winston Churchill said "Let our advance worrying become advance thinking and planning."

bluebelle

Thanks, that sounds like a good idea.

URMYEVERYTHING

Anxiety is caused off of unknown fears. Your unknown fear is the possibility of him relapsing... something you have no control over and something you have no idea of predicting will happen. Only he has control of that. The best way to deal with this anxiety is to continue to work on you and not worry with the fear of a relapse happening. Set up your boundaries in the event one happens and be safe in knowing that you are prepared. Sometimes, we create our own anxiety based off of the what if's in life.

cassandra2

This is what has worked for me.

First of all I FINALLY came to the realization that I have NO CONTROL over someone else let alone the decisions they choose to make or not make. That was hard. I spent alot of time reflecting on how I controlled my RABF during the active addiction phase. I realized that all the time I spent monitoring, searching, reasoning with him, begging, pleading, directing, explaining why drugs are bad, the harmful effects of drugs, printing out articles, telling him what he should be doing, telling him how he is throwing his life away etc ALL OF THOSE THINGS WERE FORMS OF CONTROL.

So now when he talks about seeing a friend that is still in active addiction I allow him the respect to make the decision for himself. I trust that I cannot talk him out of or into something. I learned to keep MY opinions to myself. He knows what he can and cannot handle. Its not up to me to make those decisions. When I kept my opinion to myself about him seeing this friend he ended up making the healthy choice of NOT seeing him. This was a win/win situation because not only did I fight my own urge to wave my finger and say "now, now, now, dear you know that that is not a good idea" type of warning, I felt completely relieved that he made a good decision ON HIS OWN. That is progress for both of us.

Second, when those feelings of wanting to control come up I busy myself especially my mind with something else. Trying to talk to the RABF about something that I have no idea about is not the way to handle these types of worries. These types of conversations are similar to when we would try in vain to explain to our addicts that they need help. When I busy myself with my own thoughts, my own life, my own priorities I feel much better and am not sitting there beating the dead horse and trying to make heads or tails of it. This frees me alot. It also helps the addict because I truly believe that its their battle and no one can fight it but them NO MATTER WHAT. Me worrying about a relapse isnt helping either one of us.

And thirdly, because relapse can and does happens if you are employing these types of things, especially not focusing on the bad, you free yourself of the feeling of impending doom.

I dont know what to say about your RABF's behavior except these behaviors continue until they find a way to work it out. It kinda sounds like you are so wrapped up in his recovery/relapse that you are focusing on all of the bad that is happening. Granted is NOT a good thing to be unemployed but that may have nothing to do with addiction it may just be who he is right now.

Spend some time with yourself and you will see that if your focus is off of him you will worry less. I know this is easier said then done because I still struggle with it but I do it anyway. I have to. I wont be sucked back into that controlling person ever again.

bluebelle

Yep, I've done all of those things.

I really think that I've gotten better in terms of staying out of his recovery. At least I no longer forward him articles on addiction!

I think today has been especially hard because I'm home sick, and he has been here all day (except when I sent him out for Gatorade).

You are helping me remember that I need to focus on myself, and that he is going to do what he is going to do on his own. I don't know. I guess I just got triggered when seeing him sitting at the computer and staring at it for several hours.

BohemiMamaof3

Regarding all the worry over my Abrother: I supposed we detached in degrees over the years. First we stopped all the major, obvious stuff like giving money or letting him live with us. This was after many times of him using, stealing from, scaring us, etc. We always worried about where he would go, how he would survive, if "we put him out." Sometimes he would just up and leave anyway and we'd go for long periods not hearing from him. He always found a way to take care of himself, one way or another. That's what amazes me, as we detach with love, our a-loved ones usually make it on their own, somehow, someway. Sure they quack and complain, but when they have to fully be responsible for themselves, they end up doing it, in most cases. So what good did all of the worry that we expended do? NOTHING. I have literally let my worry over my brother and his latest relapse drama distract me from living my own life. I did this by making calls or going places to try and track him down, sitting by the phone calling him and waiting for him to call, waiting to hear from people who heard from him. I can tell you it did no good at all. It made me more unhealthy, it impinged on the good things and relationships in my life. I would analyze everything he said and did, especially when he was supposedly in recovery, and obsess and lament over progress or lack of it. It does no good. All I'm saying, is be careful of that. Because like a previous poster said, you can't control him, his recovery and what he does.

cassandra2

As an addict is triggered by thoughts of drugs we codies are triggered by those emotions that kept us bound in fear and control.

Good for you for recognizing you were triggered. Now, when you get triggered you need to figure out how to get that out. I have been practicing talking about my feelings. Talking about how I feel and really owning those fears. Or sometimes I STOP and do something else. Go for a walk, enjoy the sunlight, listen to music, read from a book. By doing this you stop the result of the trigger which usually is lashing out at the RABF or stomping around the house, being angry for the rest of the day, withdrawing into yourself, or really picking at EVERYTHING you see wrong with him in that very moment. These are all forms of control.

bluebelle

This is a good idea. I need to learn ways to stop the thinking. It seems like once it starts, it is hard to let go.

Puggrinz

Such good points everyone! Thanks for sharing! (I was feeling weak and wanting to call to "check up" on my AAH to see if he went to work. But after reading all the above, I know it is not my business. Thank you everybody for helping me!!)

I am home too, sick, Bluebelle and I can honestly say that being sick just makes us weak. We are vulnerable because we don't feel well and it can makes things seem so much worse, and for some reason it makes our codie behavior worse.

In addition to whateveryone has already said, just remember this:

Take time to get yourself well over your physical sickness right now.

Be gentle with yourself. You are dealing with a lot in addition to the physical illness.

Go ahead and be selfish. When you start to obsess or worry about him, try and put the focus back on you. You have every right to be sick too.

And last but not least, remember, this too shall pass.

Hang in there. Thank you so much for sharing. I saw a lot of myself in your posting, exactly how I am feeling. Right now I chalk it up to just being home sick with a severe cold! When we are well, we will see things more clearly!

Get well!

Ann

Worry is a wasted emotion, it sucks out our energy and makes us sick and never changes the outcome, no matter how hard we worry.

I have been told that often and whoever said it is absolutely right.

The Serenity Prayer helps me let go of worry, just as it does for others here.

Hugs