need a little input
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Home of the Ravens-MD
Posts: 1,316
need a little input
I just don't get it!!! As you all know my AD was dropped off at my home a little over a month ago, I agreed to let her stay with boundaries. Working a strong program being the first & foremost!
So, this is what she has been doing, however that is ALL she has been doing! She is a weekend mom (both kids stay with their dads during the week) If she is not at a meeting, she seems to want to spend 24/7 just hanging with her friends.
Okay, the last 1 1/2 weeks I have had it with this childlike behavior, was going to call her on it and tell her it was not working for me and that she needs to find somewhere else to live. (as everyday I'm angry)
Yesterday.........drum roll............she calls me, says mom would you tell this nice lady that you are kicking me out, because I'm trying to get into a shelter. (now mind you I hadn't talked to her yet about the above) my AD claims that she was trying to get into a shelter because she knew I was going to kick her out, once I found out that she was in contact with her husband again. (if you remember each and every time she goes back to him, she relapses...so yeah that was a boundary)
So, while I am relieved that she has moved out, I'm like
when I suggested sober house, 1/2 house or shelter there were all kinds of excuses. But now she seems to think this will be a good opportunity for her? what to get back with her toxic husband?
I'm sorry to ramble on, I'm so very confused by this new development.
Chris
just so you know I did tell the nice lady that yes I was kicking her out and I told my AD I would continue to have hope for her and pray for her.
So, this is what she has been doing, however that is ALL she has been doing! She is a weekend mom (both kids stay with their dads during the week) If she is not at a meeting, she seems to want to spend 24/7 just hanging with her friends.
Okay, the last 1 1/2 weeks I have had it with this childlike behavior, was going to call her on it and tell her it was not working for me and that she needs to find somewhere else to live. (as everyday I'm angry)
Yesterday.........drum roll............she calls me, says mom would you tell this nice lady that you are kicking me out, because I'm trying to get into a shelter. (now mind you I hadn't talked to her yet about the above) my AD claims that she was trying to get into a shelter because she knew I was going to kick her out, once I found out that she was in contact with her husband again. (if you remember each and every time she goes back to him, she relapses...so yeah that was a boundary)
So, while I am relieved that she has moved out, I'm like
when I suggested sober house, 1/2 house or shelter there were all kinds of excuses. But now she seems to think this will be a good opportunity for her? what to get back with her toxic husband?I'm sorry to ramble on, I'm so very confused by this new development.
Chris
just so you know I did tell the nice lady that yes I was kicking her out and I told my AD I would continue to have hope for her and pray for her.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
((Chris)) - to me, and this is just my opinion, but that she keeps going back to the husband, it sounds like she's got some codie work to do along WITH her recovery. My codie-ness and addiction are so intertwined, I could NOT "get" the addiction recovery until I understood how codie I was and started working on that.
I could be totally off base, but as long as I kept running back to the relationship, being clean just wasn't a priority. Either way, she's not going to "get it" until she gets sick and tired of living this way...codie wise AND addiction wise.
I'm so sorry YOU are going through this, I really am.
Sending you lots and lots of hugs and prayers!
Amy
I could be totally off base, but as long as I kept running back to the relationship, being clean just wasn't a priority. Either way, she's not going to "get it" until she gets sick and tired of living this way...codie wise AND addiction wise.
I'm so sorry YOU are going through this, I really am.
Sending you lots and lots of hugs and prayers!
Amy
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Home of the Ravens-MD
Posts: 1,316
Amy, I believe you may be right. Even her sponsor suggested she read "Co-Dependent No More"
It's so hard to stand by and watch....of course, she learned codie-ness from the best, ME! And here I thought I was teaching her to be INdependent.
Chris
It's so hard to stand by and watch....of course, she learned codie-ness from the best, ME! And here I thought I was teaching her to be INdependent.
Chris
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: The Burgh
Posts: 1,991
Maybe this is where she needs to be to figure things out for herself. She may be in for a codie spell before she realizes that that's not what she wants for the rest of her life.
I know first hand how hard it is to watch our adult children make wrong decisions, and how hard it is not to intervene on what is a lesson that needs to be learned.
For what its worth, you never had to kick her out.
YOU did real well. Trust me, I could learn from you.
I know first hand how hard it is to watch our adult children make wrong decisions, and how hard it is not to intervene on what is a lesson that needs to be learned.
For what its worth, you never had to kick her out.
YOU did real well. Trust me, I could learn from you.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
((Chris)) - my mom WAS independent...I didn't learn codie-ness from home, but somehow, with my first relationship..XABF #1, I became an expert codie.
I know it's hard...I'm going through it, to some extent, with Brit and she's only 16
She's definitely got the codie traits, and wanting to test out the "partying" ways of her friends. I do what I can, then stand aside and let her feel the consequences. That's what got ME to get tired of the way I was living.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
I know it's hard...I'm going through it, to some extent, with Brit and she's only 16
She's definitely got the codie traits, and wanting to test out the "partying" ways of her friends. I do what I can, then stand aside and let her feel the consequences. That's what got ME to get tired of the way I was living.Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Home of the Ravens-MD
Posts: 1,316
Originally Posted by cece1960 
Maybe this is where she needs to be to figure things out for herself. She may be in for a codie spell before she realizes that that's not what she wants for the rest of her life.
i sure hope you're right!
I know first hand how hard it is to watch our adult children make wrong decisions, and how hard it is not to intervene on what is a lesson that needs to be learned.
never would have believed 30 yrs ago how true this would be
For what its worth, you never had to kick her out.
yep, in fact I was very grateful that HP intervened!
YOU did real well. Trust me, I could learn from you.
i sure hope you're right!
I know first hand how hard it is to watch our adult children make wrong decisions, and how hard it is not to intervene on what is a lesson that needs to be learned.
never would have believed 30 yrs ago how true this would be
For what its worth, you never had to kick her out.
yep, in fact I was very grateful that HP intervened!
YOU did real well. Trust me, I could learn from you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Home of the Ravens-MD
Posts: 1,316
Originally Posted by Impurrfect
((Chris)) - my mom WAS independent...I didn't learn codie-ness from home, but somehow, with my first relationship..XABF #1, I became an expert codie.
I know it's hard...I'm going through it, to some extent, with Brit and she's only 16 She's definitely got the codie traits, and wanting to test out the "partying" ways of her friends. I do what I can, then stand aside and let her feel the consequences. That's what got ME to get tired of the way I was living.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
I know it's hard...I'm going through it, to some extent, with Brit and she's only 16
She's definitely got the codie traits, and wanting to test out the "partying" ways of her friends. I do what I can, then stand aside and let her feel the consequences. That's what got ME to get tired of the way I was living.Hugs and prayers!
Amy
I know you have your hands full between Brit, your Dad & the step-mom. In my heart I believe that you have the winning combination of being a very stable influence on Brit.
Hugs,
Chris
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
Chris...I think sometimes it doesn't pay to even try to figure it out. Maybe her reasons are good ones and she is working on her, maybe not...but whatever the reasons, this will be a good life lesson for her and she has taken a step on her own. Enjoy not having to watch the early recovery struggles...I found it harder to try not to control my daughter's recovery than I did her use. Glad your HP gave you a helping hand and hoping it is a positive step for your daughter 
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Philadelphia, PA
Posts: 611
Originally Posted by Serenity Bound
it's strange because when AD was in her teens she was very independent, and if a guy didn't treat her right, he was kicked to the curb. now AD is a 30 yr old woman with kids of her own and d#amn I just don't get it.
I really don't think she even gets it. Drugs change people and their frame of thinking. Nothing they do makes sense to those who don't use and it doesn't even make sense to them. Now that my RABF is in rehab and has 51 days sober, he can't even recall some of things he said or did that I remember like a vivid picture in my brain. It is baffling but I have stopped trying to figure it out because there are no answers. When I started seeing myself getting batty over it, I had to get myself together. I have learned a lot during this process.
Hugs,
Chris
I really don't think she even gets it. Drugs change people and their frame of thinking. Nothing they do makes sense to those who don't use and it doesn't even make sense to them. Now that my RABF is in rehab and has 51 days sober, he can't even recall some of things he said or did that I remember like a vivid picture in my brain. It is baffling but I have stopped trying to figure it out because there are no answers. When I started seeing myself getting batty over it, I had to get myself together. I have learned a lot during this process.
Hugs,
Chris
In the meantime, don't worry yourself about her actions. Take care of self.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
