Looking for some relationship advice please
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 2
Looking for some relationship advice please
Hi to all who are reading this,
Ive been in a long distance relationship (over 400 miles) with a recovering drug addict/alcoholic for near on 2 years. He has been clean for 7 years and lives a very clean wholesome life and im incredibly proud of how he has managed to turn his life around.
He's always been very clear to me about how important his support networks are, and hes also told me that im the first woman he has been with since recovery started and he is very new to relationships.
My whole problem i guess is that i love him and i want more. My children and my family all adore him, but we have this massive distance between us.
we have spoken at length about what our expectations are and its a subject that we both find quite difficult. I know for sure i cant keep going on long distance.... its a lonely place to be and im not getting what i really want from the relationship. He says he loves me but definately does not want to move away from where he is now. I cant move as i have children, my eldest made me promise that after my marriage to their father broke down (he was a forces man and we had to move around the uk a lot) that i would stay put for a while, at least until she was finished school which is a couple of years away yet.
I spoke to my partner about possibly me moving to his part of the country in a couple of years, he told me that while he would really love that he doesnt want to take my children far away from their father (he is now out the RAF and lives 20 miles away) he has also told me that he wouldnt want for us all to live in one house as a family. He said if it was just me then fine but with the kids involved he doesnt want to hurt them by possibly not giving them what they would need/expect.
I do admire him for being so honest and upfront with me, but it leaves me wondering if all this insecurity regarding moving onwards is anything due to the problems he has had in the past and during his addictions (childhood was abused by a parent)
Is there anyone out there who has experienced anything similar? Am i expecting too much? I do also sometimes think to myself that maybe its me who is behaving unreasonably? rushing in perhaps....even though its been a couple of years the fact that we live so far apart kind of changes the way both me and him relate to each other despite the longevity of the relationship.
Ive spoken to my family about this and they all tell me to move down to him... but im not dragging my kids all the way just to live back on my own with a man who is scared of what i have to offer.
Im very confused and just want to sort my head out and know what to do say to find out what IS going to happen between me and my man.
thankyou so much for taking the time to read this and i hope to hear from someone with some much needed advice!
Ive been in a long distance relationship (over 400 miles) with a recovering drug addict/alcoholic for near on 2 years. He has been clean for 7 years and lives a very clean wholesome life and im incredibly proud of how he has managed to turn his life around.
He's always been very clear to me about how important his support networks are, and hes also told me that im the first woman he has been with since recovery started and he is very new to relationships.
My whole problem i guess is that i love him and i want more. My children and my family all adore him, but we have this massive distance between us.
we have spoken at length about what our expectations are and its a subject that we both find quite difficult. I know for sure i cant keep going on long distance.... its a lonely place to be and im not getting what i really want from the relationship. He says he loves me but definately does not want to move away from where he is now. I cant move as i have children, my eldest made me promise that after my marriage to their father broke down (he was a forces man and we had to move around the uk a lot) that i would stay put for a while, at least until she was finished school which is a couple of years away yet.
I spoke to my partner about possibly me moving to his part of the country in a couple of years, he told me that while he would really love that he doesnt want to take my children far away from their father (he is now out the RAF and lives 20 miles away) he has also told me that he wouldnt want for us all to live in one house as a family. He said if it was just me then fine but with the kids involved he doesnt want to hurt them by possibly not giving them what they would need/expect.
I do admire him for being so honest and upfront with me, but it leaves me wondering if all this insecurity regarding moving onwards is anything due to the problems he has had in the past and during his addictions (childhood was abused by a parent)
Is there anyone out there who has experienced anything similar? Am i expecting too much? I do also sometimes think to myself that maybe its me who is behaving unreasonably? rushing in perhaps....even though its been a couple of years the fact that we live so far apart kind of changes the way both me and him relate to each other despite the longevity of the relationship.
Ive spoken to my family about this and they all tell me to move down to him... but im not dragging my kids all the way just to live back on my own with a man who is scared of what i have to offer.
Im very confused and just want to sort my head out and know what to do say to find out what IS going to happen between me and my man.
thankyou so much for taking the time to read this and i hope to hear from someone with some much needed advice!
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Join Date: May 2009
Location: Land of Cotton
Posts: 3,433
I'm sorry but I have to ask this question... are you 100% positive he's not married? Something seems amiss, but I do have a very suspicious nature because I was 'burned' by someone who decieved me in a similar situation. It was very painful and I felt like a complete idiot.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 2
Hi again and thanks for the replies.
I would agree with the first two to reply if it wasnt for him telling me he loves me and would love me to move to his area... he often talks about us having a future together but just not in a very clear way.
Ive spent a lot of time down in his area, in his house, around his friends and colleagues. im very sure he isnt married.
It would hurt so badly to have to say goodbye to a relationship i want to go so much further, but i guess i do need to speak with him again about it all.
thanks for answering though, i do appreciate it. I guess sometimes a magic answer just isnt out there! is it ever!!!
I would agree with the first two to reply if it wasnt for him telling me he loves me and would love me to move to his area... he often talks about us having a future together but just not in a very clear way.
Ive spent a lot of time down in his area, in his house, around his friends and colleagues. im very sure he isnt married.
It would hurt so badly to have to say goodbye to a relationship i want to go so much further, but i guess i do need to speak with him again about it all.
thanks for answering though, i do appreciate it. I guess sometimes a magic answer just isnt out there! is it ever!!!
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,294
Um... he "loves" you, but he doesn't want your kids around??
What kind of "love" is that... to want a woman to cater to his every need, and ask her to ditch her kids? Who is unwilling to relocate or even compromise on the location issue? Who apparently "loves" you if it's all on his terms?
I would not accept any man who didn't "love" me by wholeheartedly embracing my children as much as myself, when considering a permanent relationship.
How are your kids going to feel, if you vote for him instead of them? Because that's the choice he gave you.
CLMI
What kind of "love" is that... to want a woman to cater to his every need, and ask her to ditch her kids? Who is unwilling to relocate or even compromise on the location issue? Who apparently "loves" you if it's all on his terms?
I would not accept any man who didn't "love" me by wholeheartedly embracing my children as much as myself, when considering a permanent relationship.
How are your kids going to feel, if you vote for him instead of them? Because that's the choice he gave you.
CLMI
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: md
Posts: 3,042
Actually, I can respect a man who is up front about what he is ready for. And I can understand where he's coming from. I don't want to raise any more children. And no matter how much I love a man, I wouldn't have a child "for him", nor would I move in with his children. It has nothing to do with how much I love a man. Having children is a total, lifelong commitment. I did it twice. Mine are just about out of the house now, and it is time for KJ to do KJ. I've waited a long time to pursue some personal goals (going back to school, writing), and I just don't want more children. Is that wrong? I don't think it is. We get to make choice. Your man has made his. Now it is up to you to decide if you can live with the limitations.
Love,
KJ
Love,
KJ
grateful rca
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
Posts: 4,671
i agree with the others, sounds like he's been kind of up front about the choices he's making, what about you? what choices are you gonna make that will make your life easier. praying for you and yours
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Philadelphia, PA
Posts: 611
Originally Posted by pigswhiskers 
Hi again and thanks for the replies.
I would agree with the first two to reply if it wasnt for him telling me he loves me and would love me to move to his area... he often talks about us having a future together but just not in a very clear way.
I would agree with the first two to reply if it wasnt for him telling me he loves me and would love me to move to his area... he often talks about us having a future together but just not in a very clear way.
If this man loves you, he will accept all of you (children and all). He would make an effort to help research places for you to live and/or suggest moving you and your children in with him.
It also sounds like he isn't meeting your needs right now. Why do you stay?
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