IPT

So, I'm back . The trip was good, and tough at times. There was a lot of alone time which was both good and bad. Allowed for a lot of reflection. It was tough knowing that A - she had been with me there many times, and B - that she would have loved it because the weather and all the conditions were great.

I managed to talk with a bunch of new people, kept active, got some great images. I even had the opportunity to meet up with a bunch of friends at one point. I opted to come home a day early since the trip was successful (from a photography and nature get away standpoint) and I was looking for a more solid connection to home and stability.

I opted to leave a short letter with her stuff. Simply stated that for 4 years I never physically laid a hand on her or her stuff. That all I ever tried to do was provide her a safe environment to get away from people and places where that stuff happens to her.

She replied saying thanks for gathering her stuff. She also said that she did not call me back because she did not want to argue or hurt. She said that there was too much "unhappiness" and neither of our needs were being met.

In a way, it was a relief, on some levels at least. It ended some of the anger, resentment, and feelings of unworthiness I was having regarding her ignoring me and my needs by not communicating back. Of course there are still a lot of those feelings just about the relationship itself.

Strangely now I find myself wondering what I did wrong that I didn’t meet her needs. I’m back to finding myself remembering just the good things that I lost (in her, and from the relationship). Feeling sad for her and the choices she made – even though I know from SR that if she wanted something else she would take the action to change it. I need to keep things in perspective that it was her unhappiness, co-dependent relationships, manipulation, and distant ways that drove us apart. That the bad times outweighed the good, because if it didn’t we’d still be together. I am just dealing with the loss of a relationship I guess. It can be sad and lonely even when surrounded with friends and having people romantically interested in you. How strange…

summer017

Im glad you had a good trip... i was wondering where you'd been!

leznew

Sorry, I have a feeling I am going to have this conversation tomorrow. My wife is in a halfway house and is coming to get her clothes. It has been a bumpy ride, and we will see. I am prepared for anything so we will see how it works out. Good luck with your breakup, The universe has a way of correcting itself so keep your head up and I will let you know how it goes for me tomorrow.

teke

hi, i'm glad all went well for you. your communication with her kind of sound a little bitter sweet, huh? i can relate to how you might be feeling. for me, when ever i did finally get to communicate with my ah, i felt relief for a split second then i would find myself either forgetting to mention something or wondering what he meant by saying xyz. communicating with an active addict is always kind of confusing to me. anyway, i'm still praying for the both of you

outtolunch

[QUOTE=IPT;2358492]
She replied saying thanks for gathering her stuff. She also said that she did not call me back because she did not want to argue or hurt. She said that there was too much "unhappiness" and neither of our needs were being met. /QUOTE]

Very gracious closure.

Can you respect this?

Move on?

Find something ( not someone), a need to occupy your time and mind. Volunteer, somewhere.

IPT

Can I respect it..yeah. Though it doesn’t help the many unfulfilled promises over many years. All the times she didn’t follow thru, didn’t show up, etc, etc, then pleaded for a second chance, went down the list of what she wanted and what was going to change all for naught. I can’t help but be upset that I feel lied to and that my 4 years of invested time are lost without much to show for it.

Move on? Sure, I have no choice. Am I happy about it and content with what and how it happened? Not at all. What pisses me off is that if her needs were just to be with her family with no other external commitments, to do drugs, and have me low on the priority list then why pull me back in all those times I tried to pull away?

Time is an un-renewable resource and she wasted a lot of mine. That hurts knowing someone you cared for deeply did that. In general though this is not really any longer about drugs or addicts, it’s about dealing with loss and the end of a relationship. Maybe drug use, co-dependence, and a host of other dysfunction were at the root of it but it’s a moot point now…life goes on.

Faith444

Personally, I think she was just trying to hurt you back or make herself feel better by saying "Both our needs weren't getting met." That's something you say and mean when you have a clear mind and are sober... if you're a mess, how can you even know what your needs are? Clearly, the one need she really felt was to get high- and no, no human can provide that for another.

teke

addicts do sometimes have feelings and in their mind, sometimes i think they really do try to keep promises but that urge to use can take possession over the mind. when that happens, all else is secondary. even though most addicts will use whatever/whoever that works provided it does not interfere with their drug use, imo, it doesn't mean that she deliberately set out to hurt you or disappoint you. maybe it became too uncomfortable for her to continue to be in your life and be able to use at the same time. maybe she has not been able yet, to find her way to sobriety so maybe in her mind, it was less painful for the both of you to let the relationship go so as not to continue to bring so much of her pain into your world. selfish i know, but she is an addict.

leelee5675

Glad you're back...I've missed your posts. I recently divorced and so much of what you post about your feelings resonates strongly with me.

Let go...it'll be okay.

Chino

It isn't about wrong or right, it's about compatibility and choices. As I've made my way through life, I've learned the majority of my needs are ones that only I can fill.

So far she's used a drug to fill her needs. On both sides of addiction, we all walk a journey towards figuring out exactly what those needs are and how to fill them, ourselves.

IPT

In fact on many, many occasion she said she didn’t even know what she wanted in life. I guess it’s kind of hard to figure that out when you are stoned all the time. Though then there were the times she was clear headed and rattled off things she wanted. Healthy things. So frigging confusing…I need to remember that when I start missing it/her.

There had been times she texted to cancel and she would say “please make other plans so you are not lonely”, or “please don’t take it personally”, even “it’s my addiction and I am ashamed”….. it’s just that from MY side of the fence it is SO hard to NOT take it personally. Drugs, addiction, co-dependant relationships….she still is choosing (or chose) something else over me…

It will be okay..it just takes time. How are you doing? How long has it been for you?

I think that as humans we have a fundamental need for intimacy and acceptance. For the most part that needs to be provided from an external person or partner. Think she gets that from being with her mom all the time. Then dulls her emotional pain by getting stoned. Me, I generally don’t have emotional pain (well I didn’t until this nightmare of a relationship!). I tend to be a loner too, but over the past few years, especially moving far from home I have felt my needs for external relationships go up.

teke

ipt, i don't know what about your post that keeps my attention, maybe its because i am a ra and have been on both sides of the track. i think that there is a lot of truth in what she has been saying and i also think if somehow she could get a moment of clarity, she could possible see her need to seek help but in the mist of active addiction, recovery seems so far away.

i know when i was active, there was something about the sound of rehab that just plain scared me. i think its the effect of addiction. i don't think no one choses to be an addict but once addicted, it just so hard to chose anything else. addiction has a mind of its own.

i remember plenty of times thinking that the things i wanted to do the most, i found it extremely hard to do. those things that i didn't want to do was the easiest. when i say try not to take it personally, i'm trying to say that maybe her decision had nothing to do with you.

as far as my family was concerned, while active, as hard and as uncomfortable as it was, i found it easier to be around a family who had already basically cut me off rather than to be around that caring mate. it was so painfully feeling like a failure and just the site of my loved ones so reminded me of how much of a disappointment i was to everyone including me. even if they were the most supportive. i don't know it this makes any kind of sense, but i do feel for the both of you,

i'm glad you are feeling better these days and i'm still praying for the both of you.

IPT

Thanks Take – your posts, the posts from people who have been on the “other side of the fence” sometimes help me. Never having been there I find just about impossible to comprehend what is going on from their perspective. My therapist always said that, “you’re looking at it from a healthy perspective and that is not where she is coming from at this point”.
She has had some moments of clarity. Spent a few weeks away from her family, brought home an NA list, started counseling on a few occasions, even went to couples counseling with me. Then it peters out. Not sure if it is too hard for her to do the work, change her actions too overwhelming, or what… maybe one day soon she will stick it out. I hope she does. It breaks my heart knowing where she came from, what she is going thru, and that her choices are the only thing keeping her there. However, knowing how hard it was for me to leave this I can’t really imagine how hard it would be for her since her situation has many more layers and depth that mine.

About the second quote. She actually said that to me that being “unable to be in a normal committed relationship” makes me feel worse about myself. That she is tired of always feeling like a failure. It broke my heart. Of course from my perspective it was usually because of the poor choices that she made. It just went round and round like a cat chasing it’s tail but never getting it.

Unfortunately her family is not well either and they perpetuate the dysfunction across the board. I imagine it would be hard enough to leave your drug using friends and quit, changing your entire life. I think many can turn to their family when they decide to get healthy. It must be exponentially harder when your family is all you have, and to get healthy you would need to leave them and truly with no support system other than people you have meet recently.

teke

i don't know ipt, for me, i had and felt the need to leave everything and everyone behind until i could find my own way.i became just that desperate for change and for me thats what it took. its hard either way, for me it would have been a lot harder for me to even think about recovery if only i had a family that i could go to for the support i thought i needed. i think i may have honestly still been trying to stop on my own, while using occassionally or when i could.

when i say i felt more comfortable around them than a mate, i was trying to express that it would have be easier, not that i thought it was a good idea. even with them i felt unbearably uncomfortable so you can imagine how i felt trying to be around my mate.

sounds to me, her family is not quite ready to let her go to suffer the consequences of her actions. if nothing more, she seem to have a warm place to land, maybe basic needs. i'm not so sure how much that is actually helping her.

IPT

Her mom smoked weed with her, as did her sister and her brother. Her brother, probably her best friend is a person whos been to rehab for some harder stuff and now "just smokes weed". He also is depressed, like her, and her mother. Her mother has a history of a suicide attempt and is one of the most selfish people I have ever meet. There is total "acceptance" there and it is one of the few places she can be comfortable being herself. (Even though she does not like who that is and knows her family is "bad" for her wellbeing).

We watched celebrty rehab a few times and once she started crying and said something to the effect of 'that will never happen for me because my family doesn't care enough about me. They are too wrapped up in their own needs and problems'.

It was a mess of epic proportions. I don't know how she could ever do it around them. To the best of my knowlwdge her mom quit, but who knows now. Her mom once told me she would pay for my xagf's rehab. I told my g/f that and she was like "yeah right". Who knows who to believe... it's accross the board sad. It breaks my heart in fact. The odds are WAY stacked against her.