So, I'm back
. The trip was good, and tough at times. There was a lot of alone time which was both good and bad. Allowed for a lot of reflection. It was tough knowing that A - she had been with me there many times, and B - that she would have loved it because the weather and all the conditions were great.
I managed to talk with a bunch of new people, kept active, got some great images. I even had the opportunity to meet up with a bunch of friends at one point. I opted to come home a day early since the trip was successful (from a photography and nature get away standpoint) and I was looking for a more solid connection to home and stability.
I opted to leave a short letter with her stuff. Simply stated that for 4 years I never physically laid a hand on her or her stuff. That all I ever tried to do was provide her a safe environment to get away from people and places where that stuff happens to her.
She replied saying thanks for gathering her stuff. She also said that she did not call me back because she did not want to argue or hurt. She said that there was too much "unhappiness" and neither of our needs were being met.
In a way, it was a relief, on some levels at least. It ended some of the anger, resentment, and feelings of unworthiness I was having regarding her ignoring me and my needs by not communicating back. Of course there are still a lot of those feelings just about the relationship itself.
Strangely now I find myself wondering what I did wrong that I didn’t meet her needs. I’m back to finding myself remembering just the good things that I lost (in her, and from the relationship). Feeling sad for her and the choices she made – even though I know from SR that if she wanted something else she would take the action to change it. I need to keep things in perspective that it was her unhappiness, co-dependent relationships, manipulation, and distant ways that drove us apart. That the bad times outweighed the good, because if it didn’t we’d still be together. I am just dealing with the loss of a relationship I guess. It can be sad and lonely even when surrounded with friends and having people romantically interested in you. How strange…