Not hopeful today

Old 09-02-2009, 05:24 AM
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Not hopeful today

I just wanted to vent this morning... I called my BF's mother to tell her an update on her son's progress in rehab and that he spoke about requesting money from her and to not send it until he has earned it. Well, when she answered the phone and I asked how she was doing she remained silent. I knew this conversation wasn't going to be pretty. I then went on to say that I visited her son and that he's doing well and that... she cut me off. She says, "You know you are a nice girl and everything but I don't want to hear about him anymore." WOW!! That was a blow. I wasn't calling to chat about his relapse and his days stealing from me, his days manipulating her, etc. but to discuss what we talked about when he went into rehab. For EVERYONE to be on the same page and not enable him anymore. We agreed to stay in contact with each other to let each other know if he's still there, not there, etc. to help ourselves move on if we need to. So, I asked her does this mean that you don't want to hear if he's still there or not? She says no. Alrighty then. I understand she is mad and I understand that addiction can tear up relationships but this has really shot me down. She made comments like, "I don't see why you still care." "I don't see why you hung in there this long." I felt like a piece of crap because she feels her son is a piece of crap. It later came out that she admitted she got a letter from him and the letter "was all about him and asking if I can send him $15." I completely agreed with her not to send the money until he has earned some level of trust, etc. but that his selfishness will remain until he has been in rehab for awhile and to look past that and kindly say no to him. She replied, "I'd rather just let him go."

I understand detachment and not enabling your AD/AS, however, would you not want to hear from them? Would you not want to hear that they are still hanging in there and getting help? I'm just struggling with this right now. She really has me doubting if I should even support him. I mean writing a letter to your son to even say, I got your letter, sorry not sending the money but hope all is well and keep it up is enough for an addict to appreciate well into their recovery.

I don't know... maybe it's just me... any thoughts out there?
Old 09-02-2009, 06:36 AM
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Originally Posted by anvilhead View Post
those are HER boundaries........she doesnt need to defend or justify them. she's had enough and this is where SHE gets off the rollercoaster....please respect that ok?
Oh, no anvilhead, I completely respect her boundaries... I was just thrown off by them. It seemed as if I was the one being punished for calling her and that she didn't want to speak to me at all even if it's about how she was doing, etc. I feel like I'm being shuned out because of her son's behavior. I use to send her cards, etc. and just call her to say hello without mentioning her son at all. I don't feel that way anymore after that conversation last night. It just feels like another loss to not be able to talk to her.
Old 09-02-2009, 07:02 AM
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Although it's really difficult, if I were you, I would try my hardest not to take it personally. It's really not about you, it is about her. Keep repeating this to yourself. Everything that people do is a reflection of their own realities; it's NEVER ABOUT YOU. It has taken me years to understand this, but I find it to be universal truth.

I have also learned that people handle their emotions about their addicted loved ones in many different ways. Her way is not better or worse than yours, it's just different.

Why not let her go for a while (not forever) and give her some space...let her initiate the phone calls and contact with you, while you focus on taking care of yourself and meeting your own needs?

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Old 09-02-2009, 07:03 AM
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My MIL was the same-she did not want to talk about RAH and when we did talk I am sure it reminded her of all the "damage" his addiction did to all of us. MIL said she just could not emotionally deal with it. I quit calling, she would call on occasion just to chat. It was hard at first but I had to respect her wishes.

She was diagnosed with lung cancer in June, passed the end of July. RAH got out of prison for drugs in April, (still clean). We helped take care of her at home and she was so proud of her son finally getting clean after so many years.

I think you BF mother just needs time and time to see her son in true recovery. Give her the time and respect she needs.
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Old 09-02-2009, 07:06 AM
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I WISH my MIL would detach like that! Trust me, it is so much better than having her baby him. My MIL is a control freak and that doesn't work well when you have an addict for a son. She is constantly in our business even when my AH is not using. She thinks she should be at his counseling appointments with my AH and she has called his therapist to give her advice on how to proceed with treatment for my AH!!! IT IS NUTS!!

But anyway, I know you feel a loss from your relationship with her but please realize it has NOTHING to do with you. She probably has just been dealing with his crazy addict chaos for so long she just needs to completely detach from it. I am sure she doesn't mean to hurt your feelings. My advice would be to just to back off for a while, she will contact you when she is ready. Until then, keep the focus on YOU, do something that YOU want to do just for YOU!!! YOU deserve it!

I pray that your ABF will grasp treatment and do the right thing.
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Old 09-02-2009, 10:28 AM
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Originally Posted by truthhurts View Post
Everything that people do is a reflection of their own realities; it's NEVER ABOUT YOU. It has taken me years to understand this, but I find it to be universal truth.
This is so important I felt the need to quote you

I realized detachment by finding forgiveness first, compassion followed, then I learned and accepted that nothing is personal.

We don't all follow the same road but the destination remains the same. This mother is finding her own way.
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Old 09-02-2009, 10:47 AM
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Thanks everyone for your support. I have to remember that not everyone's reaction needs to be about me or something I did (or something I think I did).

His sister called me actually to tell me that her mother felt bad after our conversation and that she just wanted to tell me that so I wouldn't feel bad. I validated her by saying that I completely understand where she is. His mother is dealing with her own anxiety and detachment issues and she just had enough. I just happened to be the vessel at that moment to vent on.

His sister was quite supportive and understanding. It felt good to get that call from her.


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