How to Say What You Mean, but Not Be Mean
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Merced, CA
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How to Say What You Mean, but Not Be Mean
Hello All:
I'm posting this on both forums (for families of alcoholics and substance abusers) since I don't know which my daughter is abusing. I just know it's one or the other, and probably both.
Some kind person this morning replied to my earlier post with this great quote. I know this is what I want to do when I talk with my daughter. Has anyone out there come across a useful article, or does anyone have some suggestions for how one might express one's honest reactions to certain things without being "mean"?
For instance, in the course of my phone conversations with our daughter (always initiated by her, not me), she regularly tells me things that make me WANT to express what I want to say, such as:
"Seems to me you are living in a fantasy world"
"Seems to me you don't really want to go back to college, because a simple-minded investigation of the college's admittance policies would have clued you into the fact you were going to be refused admission this term"
"Do you have a plan B in place for the time when your "best friend" realizes you are using her for the free rent and throws you out of her home?"
Or, do I continue to do what I've been doing, and say nothing?
Electa- (bogged down in over-analysis)
I'm posting this on both forums (for families of alcoholics and substance abusers) since I don't know which my daughter is abusing. I just know it's one or the other, and probably both.
Some kind person this morning replied to my earlier post with this great quote. I know this is what I want to do when I talk with my daughter. Has anyone out there come across a useful article, or does anyone have some suggestions for how one might express one's honest reactions to certain things without being "mean"?
For instance, in the course of my phone conversations with our daughter (always initiated by her, not me), she regularly tells me things that make me WANT to express what I want to say, such as:
"Seems to me you are living in a fantasy world"
"Seems to me you don't really want to go back to college, because a simple-minded investigation of the college's admittance policies would have clued you into the fact you were going to be refused admission this term"
"Do you have a plan B in place for the time when your "best friend" realizes you are using her for the free rent and throws you out of her home?"
Or, do I continue to do what I've been doing, and say nothing?
Electa- (bogged down in over-analysis)
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Hi Electa.
It's been my experience that WHATEVER you say to "the addict" will be used in the future, to the benefit of the addiction and not to the actual person with the addiction. This occurs whether you are aware of it or not.
I know it is so very hard to keep your mouth closed, I fall for it every time too. You want to give your own perspective, advice, and other kinds of help, hoping that it will somehow get through to them. But it doesn't, I'm sorry to say. Perhaps every once in a while they may hear what you're saying. But normally I find they are just storing away your words and actions for future reference.
If you need to talk it might be helfpul to go to Al-Anon. SR is a good place to voice your frustrations.
It's been my experience that WHATEVER you say to "the addict" will be used in the future, to the benefit of the addiction and not to the actual person with the addiction. This occurs whether you are aware of it or not.
I know it is so very hard to keep your mouth closed, I fall for it every time too. You want to give your own perspective, advice, and other kinds of help, hoping that it will somehow get through to them. But it doesn't, I'm sorry to say. Perhaps every once in a while they may hear what you're saying. But normally I find they are just storing away your words and actions for future reference.
If you need to talk it might be helfpul to go to Al-Anon. SR is a good place to voice your frustrations.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
The best piece of advice I received at my daughter's rehab last year: Wait for the question!
If a person doesn't ask a question, I ask if they're looking for suggestions or opinions, then wait for their response. It took a lot of effort along with "fake it 'til you make it" before that self control became automatic.
More often than not, saying what I mean, meaning what I say and not saying it mean, applies to my boundaries.
If a person doesn't ask a question, I ask if they're looking for suggestions or opinions, then wait for their response. It took a lot of effort along with "fake it 'til you make it" before that self control became automatic.
More often than not, saying what I mean, meaning what I say and not saying it mean, applies to my boundaries.
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Join Date: May 2009
Location: Land of Cotton
Posts: 3,433
Maybe practice in front of the mirror: "Well, I hope that works out for you!"
We oughta brainstorm and think of some other neutral responses to their quacking and whining.
I'm sure the old-timers have some great suggestions! Maybe they'll help us out.
We oughta brainstorm and think of some other neutral responses to their quacking and whining.
I'm sure the old-timers have some great suggestions! Maybe they'll help us out.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
That piece of advice stays with me always and I use it in all my relationships, whether they're personal, casual, business. It really opened my eyes as to how often I was butting it and trying to control, especially when the other person didn't listen. I became so resentful!
It also helped me realize that I have limitations when it comes to rants or vents, and I've got a few people around me who do that all the time. They now know better than to rant/vent to me for longer than one minute, unless it's something serious involving life and death. Otherwise I'll wrestle for control and none of us want that.
It also helped me realize that I have limitations when it comes to rants or vents, and I've got a few people around me who do that all the time. They now know better than to rant/vent to me for longer than one minute, unless it's something serious involving life and death. Otherwise I'll wrestle for control and none of us want that.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
We all have this compulsion to give people a " good piece of our mind". It presumes we know what's best for the other person.
The snarkier the advise, the more likely we want to make a point of it.
The snarkier the advise, the more likely we want to make a point of it.
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Merced, CA
Posts: 77
Hi Learn to Live, TJP and Chino: I know in my heart what you are saying is true. In my head, too.
I appreciate your sharing your of wisdom, which you've no doubt suffered long and hard for.
Electa
I appreciate your sharing your of wisdom, which you've no doubt suffered long and hard for.
Electa
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Join Date: May 2009
Location: Land of Cotton
Posts: 3,433
Originally Posted by Chino 
That piece of advice stays with me always and I use it in all my relationships, whether they're personal, casual, business. It really opened my eyes as to how often I was butting it and trying to control, especially when the other person didn't listen. I became so resentful!
It also helped me realize that I have limitations when it comes to rants or vents, and I've got a few people around me who do that all the time. They now know better than to rant/vent to me for longer than one minute, unless it's something serious involving life and death. Otherwise I'll wrestle for control and none of us want that.
It also helped me realize that I have limitations when it comes to rants or vents, and I've got a few people around me who do that all the time. They now know better than to rant/vent to me for longer than one minute, unless it's something serious involving life and death. Otherwise I'll wrestle for control and none of us want that.
YES!!!! That is so me, too!!!
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Join Date: May 2009
Location: Land of Cotton
Posts: 3,433
Originally Posted by Electa
Hi Learn to Live, TJP and Chino: I know in my heart what you are saying is true. In my head, too.
I appreciate your sharing your of wisdom, which you've no doubt suffered long and hard for.
Electa
I appreciate your sharing your of wisdom, which you've no doubt suffered long and hard for.
Electa
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