why?
On a tear
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Volcano Country!
Posts: 3,221
My experience with my addicted loved ones is that they are entirely different when using or when sober.
When using, my kid is very needy and tends to make whomever is her current boyfriend feel very needed and wanted and loved, and very much like her world would end without him. Does that sound like how he made you feel? Needed and wanted and loved?
But when sober, my kid did the things for herself that the boyfriend was doing. So she no longer needed him and would realize that the relationship was built on her NEEDS not her LOVE. Then, being still in early recovery, she was too chicken poop to be direct and honest and would just end things... often badly.
We who love addicts are addicted to them just as they are addicted to the drug. We need Alanon to change the focus to US and OUR program of recovery instead of obsessing if they will be done soon, will they be through the steps soon, will they be back to needing us and loving us soon. They may NEVER need us again. Which is a good thing.
People who need each other are like a couple walking down the sidewalk, leaning toward each other, resting their weight on the other one's shoulder, each holding up the weight of both. If one stumbles, they BOTH fall. Healthy relationships have couples walking side by side, but not leaning on one another for their basic support.
I do hope you can find an alanon meeting that focuses on the PROGRAM and not on the ADDICTS. Book study meetings are best for that. I wish you the best.
((hugs))
When using, my kid is very needy and tends to make whomever is her current boyfriend feel very needed and wanted and loved, and very much like her world would end without him. Does that sound like how he made you feel? Needed and wanted and loved?
But when sober, my kid did the things for herself that the boyfriend was doing. So she no longer needed him and would realize that the relationship was built on her NEEDS not her LOVE. Then, being still in early recovery, she was too chicken poop to be direct and honest and would just end things... often badly.
We who love addicts are addicted to them just as they are addicted to the drug. We need Alanon to change the focus to US and OUR program of recovery instead of obsessing if they will be done soon, will they be through the steps soon, will they be back to needing us and loving us soon. They may NEVER need us again. Which is a good thing.
People who need each other are like a couple walking down the sidewalk, leaning toward each other, resting their weight on the other one's shoulder, each holding up the weight of both. If one stumbles, they BOTH fall. Healthy relationships have couples walking side by side, but not leaning on one another for their basic support.
I do hope you can find an alanon meeting that focuses on the PROGRAM and not on the ADDICTS. Book study meetings are best for that. I wish you the best.
((hugs))
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: connecticut
Posts: 47
Ipt Thank you for sharing and caring.Wow you are giving me hope.I have been so hopeless.I havent talked to him in about 6 weeks and im trying.One half hour at a time for me and well its been another rough one.Me and my jack russell 
just came back from a nice walk on the beach,I get upset just seeing other couples
just came back from a nice walk on the beach,I get upset just seeing other couples
grateful rca
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
Posts: 4,671
Originally Posted by ilikehimalot 
I feel like I would do anything to find out what happened but I think in the process im slowly killing myself,no sleep cant eat and obsessed over it.I cant say the same for him.The truth hurts
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: connecticut
Posts: 47
Big sis Thank you for sharing and caring
Yes thats excatly how he made me feel ever single day even in the beging when he was using
He always would tell people in the rehab and his parents that I was so great for him that I wouldnt let him get away with anything
so do you think that he no longer needed me now that he is so called clean and cant even be truthfull?The truth I know hurts sometimes but the all to nothing without any reason HURTS WORSE
Yes thats excatly how he made me feel ever single day even in the beging when he was using
He always would tell people in the rehab and his parents that I was so great for him that I wouldnt let him get away with anything
so do you think that he no longer needed me now that he is so called clean and cant even be truthfull?The truth I know hurts sometimes but the all to nothing without any reason HURTS WORSE
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 90
Well, it doesn't sound like a recovery house at least not from what your friend looked up. Something is probally going on and it just may not be about recovery at all...that coudl be why he is keeping his distance.......I say this becuase my friend's husband went to rehab and when he left he moved in with a girl he met at rehab and they both were doing drugs together!!! He could also be staying with a friend he met at rehab and they could be using or clean who knows.....I hope he is in recovery but this doesn't sound right. I wonder if the parents even know who they are paying for the halfway house.....I mean are they sending a check to the landlord of the house or directly to their son....Addicts can be very crafty when they want to be so I have learned to believe what I see not what they tell me.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: connecticut
Posts: 47
butterfly They give the check to him (150.00 a week?)made out to a persons name that he told them owns the halfway house? Its the same last name as the person who does according to my real esate friend but first names are different
What or whom do you normaly make the check out to?
What or whom do you normaly make the check out to?
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 90
Did you say that he was cheating on you before? When was he doing that in the rehab or when he was using? If so could she have anythign to do with his silence now? I mean could he be with her now?
I know how much you want answers and it is so understandable....but i know when i have been in that mode whatever i found out didn't make me feel any better.....try to focus on what you can do for you right now my guess is you will hear from him again and you can ask him these questions then but if he is anythign like my BF you may not get the truth anyway. Keep going to ALANON those meetings saved my life years ago when i was detaching from my ex......Just take things one day, one hour at a time for now.....go thru the motions and eventually thigns will get better and you will get more clarity. It just takes time. We are here for you.
I know how much you want answers and it is so understandable....but i know when i have been in that mode whatever i found out didn't make me feel any better.....try to focus on what you can do for you right now my guess is you will hear from him again and you can ask him these questions then but if he is anythign like my BF you may not get the truth anyway. Keep going to ALANON those meetings saved my life years ago when i was detaching from my ex......Just take things one day, one hour at a time for now.....go thru the motions and eventually thigns will get better and you will get more clarity. It just takes time. We are here for you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: connecticut
Posts: 47
He cheated on me in rehab 2 weeks before he left and she has called me twice,right after fishing for info and told me she dumped him etc I told her to stop calling me and thankfully she has.If you get a chance read my very first post it explains all.
I am trying and right now im not crying so thats a good thing
I am trying and right now im not crying so thats a good thing
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 90
Yes you would make the ckeck out to whoever owns the house that sounds right but who knows who the person is who owns the house,,,it could be anybody....there is a big differience in halfway houses.... some are really good and have rules, meetings etc, and some are nothing more than flop houses....at least that has been my experience with visiting a lot of them years ago when my ex was in and out of them.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 90
So he met this girl in the rehab and She is also an addict. THe fact that he cheated on you in the rehab coudl be why he isn't calling now he feels guilty about that..have you seen him since all of that happened.....if not that could be why he is avoiding you now. Also are you sure he isn't with her now. I mean why would she call you for info if she dumped him that doesn't make sense. But then again a lot of what they do doesn't make sense to me.
You could make yourself nuts trying to figure this out but for now try to let things be and honestly this guy doesn't sound good for you. I mean you stuck by him for 6 months while he was in a rehab and he cheated on you.....think about what you deserve because it can't be this......ALANON will help you detach just keep putting one foot in front of the other and things will be okay. You deserve more than what he is giving you.....
You could make yourself nuts trying to figure this out but for now try to let things be and honestly this guy doesn't sound good for you. I mean you stuck by him for 6 months while he was in a rehab and he cheated on you.....think about what you deserve because it can't be this......ALANON will help you detach just keep putting one foot in front of the other and things will be okay. You deserve more than what he is giving you.....
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: connecticut
Posts: 47
I never saw him again after I found out that he was cheating on me but for the 2 weeks he was cheating on me (before I found all this out )i saw him all the time and he was soooooooooo excited about comming home but scared that he would not be in a controlled environment.
She called me because I called her first,I got him a cell phone under my plan and she was calling and texting and visa versa.I think she was fishinf for info because he didnt talk to her anymore as well.Her facebook shows in a relationship now and pictures of her new boyfriend....These people make me sick ,addiction makes me sicker
He denied everything like is all stated in my first post and I talked to him once after that and he told me a bunch of crap that he needs to do this alone,etc,,,,Please read my first post and tell me what you think.thanks for all the advice
She called me because I called her first,I got him a cell phone under my plan and she was calling and texting and visa versa.I think she was fishinf for info because he didnt talk to her anymore as well.Her facebook shows in a relationship now and pictures of her new boyfriend....These people make me sick ,addiction makes me sicker
He denied everything like is all stated in my first post and I talked to him once after that and he told me a bunch of crap that he needs to do this alone,etc,,,,Please read my first post and tell me what you think.thanks for all the advice
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 90
I read your your first post and my bottom line feeling is to back away for now.
The thing i found most unsettling is that he is doing these things to you while in rehab and supposedly sober....Now think about that. I know We always like to think that all the bad behavior is the drink or drug but sometimes it is the person. It doesn't sound to me like he is anywhere near stable in his recovery and you don't need to in the middle of it all...leave the problem where the problem belongs. Put your focus on you and detaching from this....I know it's hard and I know it hurts to let go...but in the end you must.
We are all hear for you.....the best thing you can do right now is be your own best friend and give yourself all the love, caring and forgiveness you want to give to him...give it to yourself. Start there.
The thing i found most unsettling is that he is doing these things to you while in rehab and supposedly sober....Now think about that. I know We always like to think that all the bad behavior is the drink or drug but sometimes it is the person. It doesn't sound to me like he is anywhere near stable in his recovery and you don't need to in the middle of it all...leave the problem where the problem belongs. Put your focus on you and detaching from this....I know it's hard and I know it hurts to let go...but in the end you must.
We are all hear for you.....the best thing you can do right now is be your own best friend and give yourself all the love, caring and forgiveness you want to give to him...give it to yourself. Start there.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
These people make me sick, addiction makes me sicker
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: connecticut
Posts: 47
Butteryfly
Thanks for checking up on me im trying.....im having a tough time but I actually smiled a few times when I was hanging out with my sister today.The problem is I cant stop thinking(although im doing everything i can to try not to think about him 1/2 at a time)
Hope you are doing a little better every day :praying
Thanks for checking up on me im trying.....im having a tough time but I actually smiled a few times when I was hanging out with my sister today.The problem is I cant stop thinking(although im doing everything i can to try not to think about him 1/2 at a time)
Hope you are doing a little better every day :praying
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Remind yourself at every opportunity, that this too shall pass. It will. I gurantee it.
And in the mean time, have you considered taking a class at your local community college? How about volunteering somewhere? Learning something new and/or doing good will expose you to new ideas and people and fill the void that you are feeling, right now.
And in the mean time, have you considered taking a class at your local community college? How about volunteering somewhere? Learning something new and/or doing good will expose you to new ideas and people and fill the void that you are feeling, right now.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 90
I know it is difficult to stop the thoughts...Sometimes I wish i could unsrew my head, take it off and put it down to give my brain a rest..LOL!!! What works best for me is to keep busy and occupied,,,less time for me to dwell and run the conversations over and over in my mind. Hang in there! Your doing great.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Originally Posted by ilikehimalot
Out to lunch
Thank you ,you do continue to inspire me,your feedback continues to give hope.Thank you
Thank you ,you do continue to inspire me,your feedback continues to give hope.Thank you
It brings it full circle. And oh my stars, the characters you will meet.
A million years ago when I was probably around your age, I was dumped by "the love of my life", right before Christmas. It was just me, my dog and pizza pity parties. Come New Year's Eve, I went down the street to a subsidized Senior Living enviornment to see if I could be of any help.
I danced with a geezer, in a wheelchair, at midnight. It was magical. I'll never forget it, or him.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
