Husband using cocaine
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Vancouver, BC
Posts: 3
Husband using cocaine
I found out yesterday my husband has been using cocaine. We are supposed to go away tomorrow for the weekend to celebrate our 2 year wedding anniversary, and I have such mixed emotions I have no idea what to do. I just got back from spending the night in a hotel, and he is at work, and I don't know if I want to be here when he gets home. I asked him if he had done cocaine back before we were married and he said yes, and I asked if he would not do it again, and he promised me he wouldn't. When I asked last night when the last time he did it was, he said he didn't know. When I got upset and asked for more details, he admitted to doing it a couple times in the past year or so, but I have my doubts he is telling the truth. Last weekend he was supposed to meet a buddy for a beer, and he took off from 10:30am -7pm. I was pissed that he could be so inconsiderate, as I had the opportunity to work overtime that day but he said he wanted to do something with me, yet disapeared all day. He has had problems with alcohol in the past, and we are trying to sort that out, and he has been better. He also smokes pot every day, and he is 'cutting down'. I have caught him in lies about alcohol and pot before, but I thought he had been honest and in control lately, but now to find this out...I am wondering how much is too much. I am becoming this person I do not want to be...I don't trust him, I feel like I have to take care of him like a child, not a wife. And he wants kids now. We had been trying recently with no success, and now I think I know why. I am glad he was honest when I specifically asked him about the cocaine, but pissed that he did it, that he feels it is no big deal, that he hid it from me, and I wonder what else, if I am not asking the right questions, that he is doing and just omitting to tell me. When do you walk away? How much crap do you put up with? How do you help someone who lies to you over and over??? I have no idea what to do.
Heathen
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: La La Land, USA
Posts: 2,567
Totally your choice if this is the type of relationship you want to be in.. please please don't bring a child into this, as they have no choice. 
What boundaries do you have? are 5 lies ok? 10? None? What can you stick to and follow through on?
That's totally YOUR decision on when it's 'too much'.
I don't welcome liars into my life, and I don't keep them around.
What boundaries do you have? are 5 lies ok? 10? None? What can you stick to and follow through on?
That's totally YOUR decision on when it's 'too much'.
I don't welcome liars into my life, and I don't keep them around.
grateful rca
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
Posts: 4,671
hi, welcome. sorry for your troubles but so glad you found us. this is a good place with a lot of experience. keep reading and posting as much as you like, we are all here for you.
alanan or noranon are support groups for family members of the addict, it would be very helpful to you to search your area for one or two and begin attending if you haven't already.
i'm a recovering cocaine/crack addict and for me. a drug is a drug,they all lead to the same end. i was told and found to be true for me, that to transfer one drug for another, would only lead me back to my drug of choice which was cocaine. read the stickies at the top of the forum page, get educated on addiction and codependancy. there is a lot of good info there. my husband is also addicted so i understand your pain.
there is nothing you can do to help your husband, that is something that only he can do for himself but you can began to focus more on you in order to make your life a little easier. addiction is a progressive disease and it does get progressive worse unless the addict seek help. the choice is you as to how much do you take, i guess you'll know when its time.
i wasted 21yrs of trying to help/stand by my husband and it literally was driving me insane. nothing i could say of do would make him want to get help, so i finally had to detach from the situation if i wanted to live. its good you don't have kids right now, my kids suffered a lot too because of addiction. all who live with addiction do and need help just as much as the addict.
it took for my family to cut me off and allow me to suffer the consequences of my bad choices, before i became desperate enough to seek for help. i will keep you and your husband in my prayers.
alanan or noranon are support groups for family members of the addict, it would be very helpful to you to search your area for one or two and begin attending if you haven't already.
i'm a recovering cocaine/crack addict and for me. a drug is a drug,they all lead to the same end. i was told and found to be true for me, that to transfer one drug for another, would only lead me back to my drug of choice which was cocaine. read the stickies at the top of the forum page, get educated on addiction and codependancy. there is a lot of good info there. my husband is also addicted so i understand your pain.
there is nothing you can do to help your husband, that is something that only he can do for himself but you can began to focus more on you in order to make your life a little easier. addiction is a progressive disease and it does get progressive worse unless the addict seek help. the choice is you as to how much do you take, i guess you'll know when its time.
i wasted 21yrs of trying to help/stand by my husband and it literally was driving me insane. nothing i could say of do would make him want to get help, so i finally had to detach from the situation if i wanted to live. its good you don't have kids right now, my kids suffered a lot too because of addiction. all who live with addiction do and need help just as much as the addict.
it took for my family to cut me off and allow me to suffer the consequences of my bad choices, before i became desperate enough to seek for help. i will keep you and your husband in my prayers.
No Day But Today
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: British Columbia
Posts: 138
Hi Tara. First of all welcome to SR (hey I'm in Vancouver too!)
Fortunately for me, my ex wasn't into demons like coke. I'm so sorry that you're dealing with it. I can't give you advice too much, since coke is so much worse, but I can tell you what I've seen in my addict, what I've learned in my experience, but that's not saying it's the same as with you and yours.
The lies, never stop. And as soon as you think that you've figured it out, they change how they lie, and they get better at it. And you're right. If you don't word your questions just right, or if you don't ask something, then they don't feel it necessary to tell you. If you feel you can't trust him, trust that feeling. Do you really want to spend all your time worrying and wondering? I spent a year taking care of my addict like he was a child. I fooled myself into thinking I was helping him. It hurt him more than helped. I know that now.
You have every right to be hurt and mad that he hid things from you. The one question I always posed to my addict..if you weren't doing anything wrong, why hide it from me?
To answer your questions at the end there...That's really up to you. How much do you want to take? Where do you want to be in the end? I played that thought in my head that it wasn't too bad. I stayed for a year. In that time, my addict progressed faster than I had ever dreamed. Now that I've finally left (or more accurately, HE left ME) I can tell you where I am now. My heart is broken. I'm pressing sexual assault charges against him. I have no energy to fight anymore. No trust in even casual drug users. I'm hearing about how bad things really are, and it causes a knot in my stomach. I'm still trying to stop the co-dependant behaviour, but it's tough. All I want to do is take care of him, but by doing that, you prevent rock bottom. Usually it takes rock bottom.
I'm with smacked. I no longer allow liars into my life. It's not worth it to me. If you set boundaries, you HAVE to stick to them, or else you teach the addict that you won't ever stick to what you've said. That he can walk over you and it doesn't matter.
Just think about it. Where do you want to be when "enough is enough" ?
Fortunately for me, my ex wasn't into demons like coke. I'm so sorry that you're dealing with it. I can't give you advice too much, since coke is so much worse, but I can tell you what I've seen in my addict, what I've learned in my experience, but that's not saying it's the same as with you and yours.
The lies, never stop. And as soon as you think that you've figured it out, they change how they lie, and they get better at it. And you're right. If you don't word your questions just right, or if you don't ask something, then they don't feel it necessary to tell you. If you feel you can't trust him, trust that feeling. Do you really want to spend all your time worrying and wondering? I spent a year taking care of my addict like he was a child. I fooled myself into thinking I was helping him. It hurt him more than helped. I know that now.
You have every right to be hurt and mad that he hid things from you. The one question I always posed to my addict..if you weren't doing anything wrong, why hide it from me?
To answer your questions at the end there...That's really up to you. How much do you want to take? Where do you want to be in the end? I played that thought in my head that it wasn't too bad. I stayed for a year. In that time, my addict progressed faster than I had ever dreamed. Now that I've finally left (or more accurately, HE left ME) I can tell you where I am now. My heart is broken. I'm pressing sexual assault charges against him. I have no energy to fight anymore. No trust in even casual drug users. I'm hearing about how bad things really are, and it causes a knot in my stomach. I'm still trying to stop the co-dependant behaviour, but it's tough. All I want to do is take care of him, but by doing that, you prevent rock bottom. Usually it takes rock bottom.
I'm with smacked. I no longer allow liars into my life. It's not worth it to me. If you set boundaries, you HAVE to stick to them, or else you teach the addict that you won't ever stick to what you've said. That he can walk over you and it doesn't matter.
Just think about it. Where do you want to be when "enough is enough" ?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Kansas
Posts: 190
Hi tara and Welcome
I too, am married to an addict. Mine is currently in recovery. While I am proud of him for seeking recovery, I know that relapse is, and always will be a possibility.
There are a few things in your post I'd like to comment on. Some things I have learned along the way.
He has lied to you in the past and you don't trust him. Lie is what addicts do. Trust is the easiest thing to lose, yet the hardest to regain. My husband lied over and over, even about trivial things. I could NOT trust him, and I still are not to a point where I feel like I can trust him, and truthfully, may never be. Time and actions will tell. Trust is a key factor in any relationship, without it, it is most likely doomed.
You asked how do you help someone ..... You can't help him. He must do for himself. I tried to "help" my AH for many years, only to finally realize there is NOTHING I can do to help him. The best thing you can do is take care of yourself. You said you are becoming a person you do not want to be. This happened to me. Please don't let yourself get lost in his addiction. Keep the focus on you, and your needs.
Attending Al-Anon or Nar-Anon might be something you think about trying. It helps me keep the focus on me, rather than the addict. They teach the three C's; I didn't Cause it, I can't Control it, I can't Cure it! These programs, along with this board, have helped me find me again, the person I know I am, not the person that was lost in my husband's addiction. I'm glad I have found me.
You will have tough choices ahead, but with the right tools and support you will be able to move on in what ever direction life takes you.
I too, am married to an addict. Mine is currently in recovery. While I am proud of him for seeking recovery, I know that relapse is, and always will be a possibility.
There are a few things in your post I'd like to comment on. Some things I have learned along the way.
He has lied to you in the past and you don't trust him. Lie is what addicts do. Trust is the easiest thing to lose, yet the hardest to regain. My husband lied over and over, even about trivial things. I could NOT trust him, and I still are not to a point where I feel like I can trust him, and truthfully, may never be. Time and actions will tell. Trust is a key factor in any relationship, without it, it is most likely doomed.
You asked how do you help someone ..... You can't help him. He must do for himself. I tried to "help" my AH for many years, only to finally realize there is NOTHING I can do to help him. The best thing you can do is take care of yourself. You said you are becoming a person you do not want to be. This happened to me. Please don't let yourself get lost in his addiction. Keep the focus on you, and your needs.
Attending Al-Anon or Nar-Anon might be something you think about trying. It helps me keep the focus on me, rather than the addict. They teach the three C's; I didn't Cause it, I can't Control it, I can't Cure it! These programs, along with this board, have helped me find me again, the person I know I am, not the person that was lost in my husband's addiction. I'm glad I have found me.
You will have tough choices ahead, but with the right tools and support you will be able to move on in what ever direction life takes you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Vancouver, BC
Posts: 3
Thank you guys sooo much. I think I can wrap my head around this and at least make some more educated decisions...still not sure what they are, but somehow feeling hopeful regardless.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
So many of us fall into the "if he really loved me he would quit" thing. When we do this, we make someone else's addiction about ourselves. Addiction is selfish and will not play second fiddle to a relationship.
Only you can decide if being second fiddle is good enough for you.
As others have said, mind your bank account/valuables and use BC.
Parenthood is not a cure for addiction.
Only you can decide if being second fiddle is good enough for you.
As others have said, mind your bank account/valuables and use BC.
Parenthood is not a cure for addiction.
Clever Yak
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: ---
Posts: 4,360
Originally Posted by smacked 
please please don't bring a child into this, as they have no choice.
Though I have not been married to an addict (and hopefully never will be) you do have to decide when enough is a enough. You have to power to put yourself in and take yourself out of situations. Use it.
Best of luck
Member
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: buffalo ny
Posts: 167
"I am becoming this person I do not want to be."
Tara, these are the exact words I used at my first Nar-Anon meeting. My RAH is a crack addict. And how do you know an addict is lying? His lips are moving. The addiction is all about him. You didn't CAUSE it, you can't CONTROL it, and you can't CURE it. Keep saying this over and over to yourself. You need to take care of you. Keep your money safe. Set FIRM boundaries. KEEP them. Unfortunately I was always a step behind my husband when he was actively using because I would not allow myself to believe that he would choose drugs over me. I cancelled credit cards and changed bank accts too late, I changed the locks on the doors too late, etc.
When you don't know what to do...put yourself first. He will manage...or he will hit his bottom and something will change. For my husband, his bottom was State Prison. Be prepared. Take care of yourself.
Tara, these are the exact words I used at my first Nar-Anon meeting. My RAH is a crack addict. And how do you know an addict is lying? His lips are moving. The addiction is all about him. You didn't CAUSE it, you can't CONTROL it, and you can't CURE it. Keep saying this over and over to yourself. You need to take care of you. Keep your money safe. Set FIRM boundaries. KEEP them. Unfortunately I was always a step behind my husband when he was actively using because I would not allow myself to believe that he would choose drugs over me. I cancelled credit cards and changed bank accts too late, I changed the locks on the doors too late, etc.
When you don't know what to do...put yourself first. He will manage...or he will hit his bottom and something will change. For my husband, his bottom was State Prison. Be prepared. Take care of yourself.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
There are no answers right now, but I promise you there will be when you are ready to accept them. I know my responses sound simple but they are true. Try to stop figuring out what to do and allow yourself to just be in the present moment.
You walk away when you are ready to.
As much crap as you allow yourself to take.
You can't.
P.S. My personal advice: Don't have sex with this guy, husband or not. If he lies about coke he'll lie about anything. Don't let his "confession" fool ya'. If you must have sex with him, at least protect yourself. You have a right to decide what someone else does to your body.
When do you walk away?
How much crap do you put up with?
How do you help someone who lies to you over and over???
P.S. My personal advice: Don't have sex with this guy, husband or not. If he lies about coke he'll lie about anything. Don't let his "confession" fool ya'. If you must have sex with him, at least protect yourself. You have a right to decide what someone else does to your body.
the girl can't help it
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: splendraville
Posts: 5,599
Welcome (((((tara77))))
I hope you will put yourself totally 1st in this. You are the most important part of this equation. It takes some of us me including me a very long time to get that there is no helping them. I hope for you that you get this very important part.
Take care of you!!!
Originally Posted by tara77
Thank you guys sooo much. I think I can wrap my head around this and at least make some more educated decisions...still not sure what they are, but somehow feeling hopeful regardless.
I hope you will put yourself totally 1st in this. You are the most important part of this equation. It takes some of us me including me a very long time to get that there is no helping them. I hope for you that you get this very important part.
Take care of you!!!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Between the ocean and the mountains
Posts: 653
"I thought he had been...in control".
The definition of addiction is loss of control. Please do not expect him to be in control....he can't keep that promise.
"i am glad he was honest....."
He wasn't.
I'm sorry for your pain. Don't get lost in his problem, ok?
Bluejay
The definition of addiction is loss of control. Please do not expect him to be in control....he can't keep that promise.
"i am glad he was honest....."
He wasn't.
I'm sorry for your pain. Don't get lost in his problem, ok?
Bluejay
Sun&Shine
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Los Angeles California
Posts: 19
Hi Tara
I am so sorry for what you are going through. Keep reading the posts on this blog, I myself am going through a similar situation and am finding this site extremely helpful. Please be strong. Someone has to be.
Hugs & Kisses
Melanie
Hugs & Kisses
Melanie
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