Learn2Live

Me too! So don't feel alone. I've been going thru EVERYTHING you have spelled out in your post. We may as well be the same person.

Oh, and by the way, there are SEVERAL of us here going thru the same thing at the same time the past few weeks BECAUSE OF THE FOURTH OF JULY. Many of US got very hurt that first weekend in July, were dumped, ignored and cheated on, including me. The Fourth is just another day to drink and party, just like all the other holidays. So please don't feel bad. The

IPT

Yes, you are right. Truth be told it was not "dating" at all and it was more of a fling. I am in no place currently to be "dating". I have been dragged way backwards. THIS very thing in fact is what has me so baffled! I tell you with 100% honesty that several weeks ago I was clean and free of this mess. She had just pushed that last button and I disengaged. Just jetesoned off the pod and said "adios". I did not feel the need to come back here (though to be honest I did just to see what others were experiencing) because I was so at peace.

I was at peace with my decsion, not having to wait for phone calls, texts, or wondering how late she would be. I was at peace with projects around my house, and with watching a movie. It was great. Now here I am all tanglled up with that pit in my stomach.

So what changed? Well, she was the one that pulled back this time! That is about it. Last time I was fed up and just removed myself. I withdrew. This time (after I got lured back in) SHE PULLED BACK. I feel like a wild dog who was watching something that took off running putting me in the attack/chase mode! It is like a reflex that I cannot stop. I have managed not to call or text since her last text a week ago, except for one very stupid call. The one where I said I didn't understand how she could do this to me and I tried to manipulate her into calling me. I have refrained since that (and kick myself for doing that). Still, here I am, everytime that phone beeps I wonder. Last time I didn't, I knew it wouldn't be her and was actually shocked when it was.

Somehow, some way if she calls, or communicates "I am good enough", she respects me (and dang it after everything I've done I deserve that!....maybe in a healthy situation). Yes, on a cognitive level I understand my value no matter what she does. I also understand that she does not respect me (or is incapable of it) - but I am having trouble getting my heart and inner self to acknowledge these cognitive truths and it maintains that pit in my stomach and a restlessness that just sucks.

tjp613

How ya doin' today, IPT?

IPT

Thanks for asking TJP (hope you really want to know because I have A LOT to say). To be honest, I am all over the map. Basically dealing with my withdrawal from her, sorting thru how I got here and what I am afraid of regarding giving it up. Still no contact either way which I suppose is good….but just like any addict I know that I am right on the edge. If she were to reach out in just the right way there is a part of me that wonders if I may take the bait.

I’ve been thinking a lot…. I’ve come to realize many things. First off that I did do co-dependant things like try and manipulate her to contact me when clearly she does not want to. To change when she was not ready to. I’m glad that I have a handle on that. I read a lot about healthy relationships and the give and take that should be there and, well that really wasnt very much. Reminded me that something was “wrong”, and maybe this isn’t something to fight for anyway…like all the other red flags and actions were not enough!

I was also thinking about why I kept going back, why I did fight for it. I realized that in some ways I benefited (relative term used here) from her illness. I’m a guy, I like sex. She is a person who often let me down and she was also a person that lacked confidence. She knew that she pleased me sexually and that also made her feel good about herself, confident, so she did it often. Not only that, she knew that more times than not she could let me down and within 5 mins of being at my house have me forgetting about it and moving on. Pure manipulation, but it served me well, in the short term. Then there was that fantasy that I could have all that, and a reliable person who was around all the time too once she got “serious” and put forth more effort. Of course that never happened, and likely never would.

I actually looked back at a lot of her emails in the past and on numerous occasions she told me, “I am not healthy. I do not want to keep hurting you like I am and I need time for me, I cannot be in a relationship right now”….and I talked her out of it! She did tell me straight up and I brushed it away. Seems like I have/had just as much of an addiction issue as her.

I also know I have some commitment issues of my own. So here is a woman who clearly is unable to commit. Unconsciously I know I will not have to commit to her, and it is “her fault”, not mine! On top of that, I get some really high highs! No sex or communication for a while….lots of frustrations and desires…then she finally says she’ll come over….and of course sex is spoken about…now the anticipation is huge…and then, lift off…It’s fantastic , and reaches a level of intensity that may not be obtained In a “normal relationship”. I also am not the most expressive person emotionally. Well, when she pulled back she was able to pull emotional intensity out of me. I was very intense and emotional which usually I am not. So in essence, she was able to make me “feel things” that I often did not. The price to be paid of course is that there are serious lows and most other aspects of the relationship lacked considerably.

I see my “hook” now, and I get it a little better. I am amazed at how good I am at forgetting the bad to get my own fix, and slip back into the fantasy relationship…or maybe just to enjoy the temporary perks that suited my needs. It is a twisted mess. I am mad at myself for trusting her so many times. I’m mad at myself for sacrificing so many things to gain so few. I am mad at myself for realizing that it should have been so simple to just look at how I was being treated and say “no way, I’m outta here”. To my friends and family it is so clear!

The funny thing is I am a successful guy, and decent looking. I do not have trouble meeting women, never really have. Since I have that going for me I have developed a habit of being “picky”. It is not common for me to be attracted to most of the women I meet because I have raised my standards to an unhealthy place. So here comes this gorgeous women who likes to do the extreme sports and adventures I do, loves sex and to please me, and I have the perfect excuse to not have to deal with my commitment issues! A total recipe for disaster, and my current situation.

It always takes two but when dealing with an addict it is SO EASY to put it all on them. They have the obvious issues. I am trying to deal with reality, and it is somewhat painful. I can’t remember what book I read it in but they said something about the rejection from an addict and why it was so painful. Our addicts are “messed up” right, losers if you will. So nobody “wants to be rejected by a reject” because what would that then mean about us if a "reject rejected us"…?

I know that deep down I need to leave this alone and work on my own issues. At the same time there are tons of things I don’t know and after 4 years with her there is a level of comfort there. Finally the painful times are outweighing the good times so it is getting easier. One day at a time is all I can do, and I am doing it. I am taking care of myself and keeping busy. I went on a 2 hr bike ride tonight with friends. Been reading, working out, doing home projects. The mind is constantly turning though and the views, level of acceptance or denial seem to fluctuate wildly. It is a hell of trip, but I am still here and have done nothing rash one way or the other. I need to keep with the facts that’s all. I have also been benefiting from reading a bunch of other peoples threads. This community has so much information and a wealth of experience so it has been wonderful.
Thanks for asking about me! I hope I didn’t express “too much”, but it is where I am at with this. Seeing it, writing it, grasping it are great…keeping it all and putting it into use and action totally different.

imallright

Just keep moving forward. I have been going through this for a long time too. I hate feeling alone and lonely, but I hated being in the chaos of active drug use more. The pain is real in both situations... and I no sooner think I have it "under control" and I am feeling good and things start to spin and I am back to that sad place... but it again, I tell myself over and over it is a healthier place than where I was. I also remind myself how strong I am and can be... coming here to SR has been key to my beginning recovery. So many great people, like yourself, sharing and offering support... keep coming and keep moving....

tjp613

IPT - Honestly, you sound like you just saved yourself $10,000 worth of therapy! You have gained a tremendous amount of insight in just a few days reflection....all of it sounds 'spot on'! You would be wise to print out that post and keep it handy-- let it be the start of your journal and add insights to it daily. I promise that it will be so helpful in times of self-doubt. You can look back on it and see exactly where you've been and the moments of clarity written there will help guide you through those foggy days.

I don't know how old you are....I'm guessing late 20's or so? ... no idea. I'm 51 and have been around the block a time or two. To me you sound pretty typical of a guy who is transitioning into the next phase of your life and looking for a meaningful relationship (and defining what that means to you) rather than primarily sexual gratification. That's good -- in the long run you will be so much better off focusing on what you really want from a partner. Life is full of hills and valleys and you need to be with someone who has the maturity, stability and stamina to hold on tight through it all. When you're 70 you'll be glad you made that choice rather than someone who loved "doing it doggie style"...LOL! Believe me.

Keep posting....go out and enjoy God's creation this weekend. It's a beautiful world!

IPT

Thanks guys. I actually love going out and doing things. Yeah, I wish I was that young but alas I might as well be when it comes to my priorities regarding relationships. Fact is I am maybe a little too independent and an emotional island upon my own so the sex part is the one thing I NEED externally. I need to learn to open myself up more and expect more, on other levels. Yes, I need to keep reading that, it would do me good.

The mind is strange, I woke up just pissed off that she hasn’t even called me. It really just hurts me on a deep level. "She just doesn;t even care about me". I just need to keep reminding myself that she is sick. That I guess I am too and I should just accept that she just “isn’t that into me” and move on to someone who is. Someone who can treat me right. I get hung up on the thrill of the chase, the conquest I guess. It validates me somehow.

I was reading another article and it talked about a couple fighting. The therapist said do you want to “win” the argument or solve the problem and move on? I guess I need to forget about winning the power struggle and start focusing on the bigger more long term picture. Easy to say with words. Much harder to get it into my body and make it happen, rid myself of that pit in my stomach and feeling of emptiness. A feeling that is not even filled with another women. It doesn’t feel good and the quick fix of course is to get her to reach back out to me. I’ll need to find the better way if I am going to survive this and have a better future

IPT

Yes, that is what I am talking about moving on to. Relationship, in any capacity. I know I need time to heal and I am not at all looking to just jump into another relationship. Though as it become known that I single again offers are abundant all of a sudden.

Amazing though that even as I sit here and type this that little voice in my head actually spoke and said "maybe she can get it together and we can have those things finally"....... I need to get that voice to recognize all the things my cognitive conscious brain are recognizing and trying to accept!

IPT

You know, as I re-read your quote...something stuck me..."lack of drama". I just realized that I got used to that intensity and drama in my life. That is something I Never had in my life! It will be nice to have it gone because the bad times just suck....but what if in future relationships things just seem dull and not exciting? Will I walk away from something healthy because it doesn't feel right?

imallright

It will feel different... but considering what you have experienced in your life and what you are doing to work your self to a new view and approach... I think you will recognize life without drama and comfort, peace and common thought process/actions and be comforted not bored! Hang in...

teke

hi, sorry i'm not quite finished reading your entire post but before, i thought i'd share.

for me, it was 21 yrs. of going back and forth, through the same on again, off again relationship. looking back, apart of me knew i was better off without all the drama, but i just could not believe or except that the 21yrs were meaningless to him.

i wanted to believe that he really did care but was just sick,that may/may not have been true, but i guess i thought i needed to stick around so that i could help him or be there when he figured out for himself, that he cared.didnt want him to be a statistic but i finally figured out that nothing i could do or say to him that would make him any better, short of taking care of me.

the more i stuck around worrying about him and his actions, the more of me i began to lose. coming here to sr really helped me to began to see how much i needed to focus on me and what i needed to do to make my life better even if it had to be without him.

one day at a time my thoughts would begain to be more about me and less about him. and wouldn't you know it, as soon as i began to feel better, he'd come back around with the same old junk and i'd end with the same old hurts.

i came to realize that if i didn't hear his junk, then i wouldn't fall for his junk. i was told to turn it over to my hp, pray and to conciously practice changing my thoughts concerning him. little by little, i thought about him less and less.

it also helped me to write what i felt and thought. i hope this makes sense, and i pray that you both feel better soon.

Abundance

Teke, very well done post. I see that as being a solid living in the solution kind of remedy.

Giving myself love and compassion - filling my cup - (even as lonely as it is at times, but not as lonely as when he was here), I'm giving myself self-care and learning how to trust myself again. It takes time and that is the hardest part. It's been 44 days for me.... and it still feels raw. I'm still reaching out for all the tools that are helping me to stay true to myself, I have almost surrendered to accepting that I will be continually learning these tools for my betterment.

I love this song by Ben Harper.......

YouTube - Ben Harper - Walk Away (Live) Good Quality

IPT

Thanks you guys . I KNOW that in the end having her away from me, totally, is the only way, and the best thing for me. It's just that like an addict there is that pit in my stomach when I can't have her, she is not there. 4 years in nowhere near 21, but she (and all the good times as well as the bad) have been such a constant part of my life it leaves a huge hole now that not only it is gone, but the idea of it too. Add to that the sadness that my (fantasy) dream is dying everyday infront of my very eyes and in my head....and she is still an unhappy, unhealthy person, and it just hurts. I'm sure many if not al of you know the pain, emptiness and feelings I am talking about.

Being a pretty structured person this radical change in things is tough transition...even if it is for the better .

Thanks again to all of you. Hearing others experiences, thoughts, regrets, and success' is very helpful to me and my recovery.

IPT

My sticking point is obvious to me now. I have not yet accepted that this relationship is over, dead. There is still hope lingering. As long as that is there I will feel that pit if she does not call, validate me, my importance, or even my very existance.....

IPT

....you know what I just thought? "I just want somebody to love me!". Here I am with incredibly supportive friends (who needless to say are NOT very happy about her and her actions), and a good family who love me dearly and yet I seek approval, attention, and love from someone incapable of it. Why do we do this? Why do we (or at least I) become so intent on things that ellude us? Is it just me?

teke

at times, i may still miss the good times with my ah but i will soon remember why he's gone in the first place, then i'm more able to make the decision on whether to open that door at that moment or not

i know how hard it is to except that our loved ones are out of our lives forever but someone talked to me about "forever" being such a long time. "forever" feels like death, so it helps me to literally let go, one day at a time, letting each day have its on concerns. try to stay in the day you are in, never know what the next one might bring. still praying for ya

IPT

Thanks for the words, and the prayer. Wish I could get over that hurdle and fully, really let go. I am still clinging to some part of this....

teke

if you have to, do it one minute at a time, for that minute, don't allow yourself to think about it. read a book, clean out a closet, anything that you can lose your thoughts in doing. you may look up and realize you got through that minute without thinking about her. now go for an hour. believe it or not, this has gotten me through many really hard days and nights. trust me, it does get better.

IPT

I get bigger and bigger gaps not thinking about her. I am keeping fairly busy. It's hard though, letting go of that dream. Sometimes reality just sucks.

Freedom1990

Being enmeshed with an active addict sucks even worse, my friend!