dixied

Friends,

Something traumatic happened on Monday. I am too overcome to put it into words at this time. I am struggling ,really struggling. I went to Al-Anon last night and found some genuine friendship.
I am trying to hold on .without going into detail I have begun to feel (or made to feel)that because of the way I mothered my son it perhaps contributed to his addiction. Please don't misunderstand. This centers around my son saying I was controlling. I am experiencing waves of guilt that maybe I created or caused this by my parenting. On top of that my ex dil told me she "pitied" my son because he had a mother like me. That broke my heart.
There is more to be said but I cannot bring myself to say any more at this time.
If there is anyone that would pm with some hope or encouragement I'd appreciate it. I feel like a failure as a mom.
I have two adult daughters and they are doing extremely well so I am trying to console myself that they are doing well in life.
I feel like I have obstructed my son's life. If that is true I can never right that wrong. I have to ask myself if my son is correct. is this my fault too?
I am not in a place where I can take too much harshness so if you reply please take this into consideration. Thank you for understanding my pain at this time.
dixied

winnie12

Dixied - you are human - an imperfect human in an imperfect world just trying to do your best and that's all you can do. I've made many mistakes as a parent, so did my parents, so did theirs. But once we become adults we cannot blame every that goes wrong on our parents.

Unless you forced your son to use drugs then his addiction is no one's fault but your own. It doesnt matter if you were controlling - it doesnt matter if you were imperfect - it was his choice to make solely and had nothing to do with you. We all tell each other here that there is nothing we can do to control them - so that means that nothing you did or didnt do contributed to his use. He or others may use you as the target but we all know that's not true. He had free will.

My parents made a lot of mistakes. When i was younger i used - but i didnt use because of them - I used because I wanted to. Now i was lucky and got away before it controlled my life but not everyone does. All i know is the choices i made absolutely positively had NOTHING to do with them.

As for the DIL comments - we'll that's just a petty girl who is choosing to take everyone else's side. she is your Ex's daughter so keep that in mind - she is going to choose her dad's side because that's human nature. Right now there is a rumour going around my son's friends that the jail released him and i put him in a foster home. Its not true - but it did hurt my feelings. I just took it for what its worth - his friends are loyal to him and dont want to think badly of him - they do not care one bit about me so its much easier for them to blame me - especially since they all use and that means they dont have to look at themselves or the fact that they will also end up in jail/rehab/or dead if they continue on their own paths.

Whatever has happened I am sorry for your pain - but remember that nothing that has happened in his life is your responsibility or fault. Do not bog down the sadness you are going through with guilt - guilt is completely useless especially after the fact.

laurie6781

(((((Dixied)))))

First, ex DIL is basing her 'opinion' on what AS told her ..................... his side of the story ..................... his manipulation, etc.

Second, AS is 'lashing out' as ALL addicts do. Still in denial, still BLAMING everyone but himself.

Third, we, you, us, I as Moms do the very best we can do ............................... WITH NO INSTRUCTIONS .................................... even good old Dr. Spock didn't know it all.

You did not 'obstruct' your son's life. You gave him the best life you could. Are Mom's protective, you bet we are!

I also want to give you some hope ............................................ when my mom FINALLY shut me out (dad, backed her up but she was the one) at my ripe old age of 33 1/2, I HATED HER. I BLAMED HER. This was all HER FAULT. She ALWAYS favored my sister and on and on and on. Of course, even her shutting me out (with the backup of the rest of the family) didn't stop me. I continued another 2 1/2 years.

When I found recovery, and really started working on me, and started accepting that all that I had been through was by MY OWN CHOICE, my attitude towards others and especially Mom started to change. We had great times together.

Someday, he will come back and thank you, I just don't know when.

Now, I can tell you I loved and love my Mom. I didn't always like her, but I know she did the best she could with what she had, I didn't come with an instruction manual. Some of her ways of raising children were my grandma's ways. The only way she knew.

So, please, please, do not take the guilt he is trying to give you. This is NOT YOUR FAULT!!!!!!!

I am sending you a pm.

Keep posting, keep venting, we are here for you.

Love and hugs,

Freedom1990

If I have the power to create an addicted child, then I have the power to cure that addicted child. It doesn't work that way, hon.

Did I make mistakes in my parenting? Absolutely. We all make mistakes in parenting. It's one of the toughest jobs we will ever have, and there is no manual on how to do it 100% right.

The guilt is not yours to own. Slam dunk it in the trash can!

:ghug2 :ghug2

Learn2Live

You did not cause it, You cannot cure it, And you cannot control it

Ann

Dixied, like Freedom said, ALL mothers make mistakes, that's because we are human. But I truly believe that we each did the best we could and did what we did out of love...can any mother do better than that?

We are not bad mothers. And our addict children are not bad either, they are sick and doing what their kind of sick people do.

As long as your son has someone to blame, he doesn't have to look in the mirror and blame himself. Blaming doesn't make him right, and it sure doesn't make you a bad mom.

So take a hug and brush yourself off, you are a terrific person with a heart that cares.

Mama to Mama Hugs

Impurrfect

(((Dixied)))

awww, sweetie, I'm sorry you're hurting.

I was raised by loving parents. Were they perfect? Absolutely not!!

My dad, these days, is a lot different than when I grew up and a LOT harder to get along with...let's just say he wants to control everyone. The chaos and drama in my family and home, lately, has been pretty darned bad.

I am in recovery and that is my #1 priorty. I have had to reach out for support because I'm a codie and I want to fix everything. As an RA, however, I just can't see blaming my dad for anything because #1 - I have no intention of using and #2 - I take responsibility for my addiction.

Give ownership for his addiction back to him, where it belongs. NO ONE could make me use again, short of holding a gun to my head. Even the addict behaviors..I know what they are and I know when I'm acting them out, which means I can do something about them.

((Dixied)) - you're not the bad guy, sweetie, you really aren't. You have two people who want to blame you because they don't want to take ownership of their problems.

Love, hugs and prayers!

Amy

Serenity Bound

Dixied, Guilt over your AS addiction is a completely useless emotion. You did NOT cause it. We mom's taught our kids to tie their shoes, look both ways b/4 crossing the street, etc. we did NOT teach them to use drugs. Please stop beating yourself up, stop listening to his blame game or anyone elses. So, unless you actually stuck a needle in his arm, a pipe or pills in his mouth (which we all know you didn't) you did NOTHING to cause his addiciton.

Sending lots of hugs from one mom to another.
Chris

marle

Dixie, Everyone before me gave you great advice so I will just send you a great big hug. Marle

itisatruth

I couldn't agree more with what Ann said. It is easier to blame someone else than take a good, long look in that mirror. For this, I'm not going to pull from my experience with my AH but from my experience with my brother. He's in his 30s now and still trying to use the "my parents divorced, my dad moved away and left me, and my mom got a loser, abusive boyfriend" excuse. I was raised in that same house and I can tell you...it is not an excuse....my brother is a 'big boy' and is fully capable of accepting that he, himself, this perfect genius he is, has messed up his own life because he wants to do things his way - yet he still chooses to deflect it all onto others around him. Yes, my parents made mistakes, but it has been 20 years for crying out loud - my brother needs to GET OVER IT and accept his own decisions and the repercussions that go with them. I don't say this to sound mean but at some point in time they have to accept/forgive/whatever and move on.

Dixied - I hope you can come to a place that you accept that you what you did as his parent was out of love (like the rest of us) and not let his thinking make you feel like you are to blame for his choices - they are his alone.

uards

Dixied,

I never spend one moment of my time considering that I have any responsibility for my son's addiction. Never have, never will. You have to just totally let that go. Addicts have brain chemistries that are out of whack. I believe there is a genetic aspect to that but you are not responsible for your genetics. Don't go down the road of what you could have done differently. It's too late to change any of that. Forgive yourself for your mistakes and just look forward.

UNHAPPY777

dixied........

I didn't read all of the responses but, I have to say this....If I had a dollar for everytime someone said that I was controlling towards my AH and that's including him, I would be able to take two years from work!!!!!

If I or you were that controlling than they wouldn't have choosen DRUGS because we would have controlled that...RIGHT???????

Dont be so hard on yourself.

Much Loveand hugs

:ghug3

outonalimb

(((((((Dixied))))))))))

So many wise words before me...

Who knows why some children fall into addiction and others don't? If we knew the answer to this question, there wouldn't be any addicts.
I come from a family of 10. I lost my brother to a drug overdose in February of '05. He was number 8 and I was number 9 in the line-up so we grew up under the same circumstances. He became an addict and I didn't. Why? Who knows. I can tell you that it wasn't due to parenting. My parents weren't perfect (of course) but they are about as close as you can get to perfect in my book. They gave us so much love...they sacrificed so much to give us a good start in life...And yet, my brother battled with addiction for years and eventually lost his life to it. No, Dixie...it isn't parenting...any more than cancer, diabetes, or any other type of illness is due to parenting.

I understand the pain you feel in your mother's heart but I hope you'll put down the stick and stop beating yourself up over something you know you can't control. Mothering aint for sissies...and being the mom of an addict has to be the hardest thing ever...it just has to be...so please be gentle and loving with yourself.

Hugs... :ghug3

shockozulu

That's exactly right.

I had a horrible mother. Drug abuser, abusive (physical, emotional, sexual) parent, the works. Guess what? She is not the reason I got addicted to drugs.

No one else is responsible but me.

At the end of the day, I know how painful words can be, even if I know they aren't true. Some of the words your ex-DIL used would make me feel horrible too. Sending some positive thoughts your way.

outtolunch

Your son is trying to abdicate responsibility for his choices.

Your ex sounds like, well, an ex.

Please do not let them define you.

You did not cause it. You cannot control it. You cannot cure it.

Hangin' In

Dixied,

I, too, felt guilt, thinking I was the one who caused my AD's problem because I can look back now and see where I didn't always parent in the way I should have. But thank goodness, my recovery has taught me that I did the best I could do at the time with what I knew.

But even on the days I doubted myself the most, I knew in my heart I had raised my AD with good values, morales and taught her right from wrong. There was no alcohol or drugs in our home, so we certainly didn't model that behavior. We exposed her to everything good we could and raised her in a very loving home. We made sure she was in every healthy, self esteem buildling activity she could be involved in.

And guess what? She STILL turned out an alcoholic/addict. Yes, I could go back and change my controling ways, but my controling had nothing to do with her deciding she wanted to experiment in the things we blatantly told her not to do and that would harm her.

You are NOT responsible for your son's behavior. We parent as good as we can but then there comes a time our kids are going to make their own decisions. Why some, as in your daughters, seem to make healthier and wiser choices, well, who knows. But keep in mind, your daughters' choices were theirs just like your son's choices were his. Raised in the same house, turn out totally different. Bet there are hundreds here that can tell you the same thing has happened in their home. It did in mine. That does not make me, nor you, a guilty mother.

We were good moms, Dixied, and we still are. Believe it, because I know it's true about you and me.

Love you...hang in there.

Hangin' In

dorton

My son, as do most all addicts, blamed his dad and tried his best to get me to divorce him. I thought long and hard about actually dong that and finally decided not to get a divorce. So when that didn't work he tried to blame me. That is when I really realized the game my son was playing. HE didn't want to admit HE had a problem. The thing was he picked a time to blame me when I was furious with him so I basically jumped down his throat about it and said a lot of things back to him. He hasn't tried to blame me since, because he found out it wasn't going to work. But the real kicker is I still to a point blame myself and I probably always will, but he doesn't have to know that. The next time your son or anyone else blames you don't take it lying down come right back at them with both barrels and let them have it, verbally of course, chances are they will stop at least for a while. It doesn't mean our mother's heart doesn't blame ourselves becuse we do. On my good days I know I didn't cause this, but on my bad days it is a struggle that I continue to fight, but I make sure he never sees that part of me. HIS abuse is NOT your fault any more than my son's is my fault. I know that but I have to keep telling myself that too. Don't let them see how much that hurts or it is a trick they will pull time and again until it stops working.

Seren

Bumpity-bump.....!

One foot in front of the other, Miss Dixie. I do hope that each day is becoming lighter and easier. You are in my thoughts and prayers!!!

HG

Impurrfect

(((Dixied)))

How are you doing, sweetie? Thinking about you.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

teke

hi dixie, i agree with the others, you are not responsible for your son's addiction. my dad passed away when i was very young but my mom was what i called over protective and what felt like controlling. while in my active addiction, i blamed anyone who except it but once i began to get sober, i soon realized that i was the only one to blame for my addictions. try not to take it personally, an addict will blame anything and anybody for the bad choices they make any will manipulate whoever they can to believe whatever they tekk them. cheer up, its not your fault. keeping you and yours in my prayers