LOST5280

So my boyfriend has only been home from treatment for two weeks now and he is taking his recovery seriously which is a good thing. We have had the whole discussion about how the matters of our relationship have to be put on the back-burner for alittle bit and I am okay with that, I understand. But it seems like everything has been all about him...to the point where he cuts me off almost every single time Im speaking. Ill be telling him about work or something and he just starts talking over me about something that happened in treatment or at one of his NA meetings or whatever. I was sick last week and its not like I need to be taken care of Im a big girl but it was like he didnt even care, didnt even say Im sorry you feel so crappy is there anything I can do for you. Is this normal??? Do I have to just suck it up and deal with this for a while?? He is a very caring person and I know he probably isnt even realizing that he is acting this way right now, but to me there is a difference between being focused on your recovery and being blatantly rude to other people, especially your girlfriend!

Freedom1990

How about a program of recovery for yourself?!

Are there any Naranon or Alanon meetings in your area?

An excellent starter book to read is "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. It was a real eye-opener for me.

suki44883

He should be concentrating on recovery, but not to the point of being rude. You are right about that. Perhaps you can explain how you feel and see what he says. Maybe he's not conscious of how he's coming across, like you said. But, if he's not willing to listen, maybe you should step back from the relationship for a while.

Alaia

Lost I had the same problem with my ex-abf when he was in recovery. He wanted us to continue our relationship but said it had to be about him for the time. I too understood but things changed. He would never compliment me anymore. I would send him funny little cards to cheer him up cause I could only visit with him 1 day a week for about 4 hours. I would give him a little $ when I could here and there so he could buy personal hygiene items and do laundery. So on Valentine's day came and I knew he didn't have a job yet and couldn't really do much for me but the jerk didn't even think to get me a card. We started arguing about how he didn't even pay attention to me and everytime I would say maybe we should take a break and you can focus on yourself and I will do my own thing...but he would get all upset and say he didn't want that at all and he loved me blah blah blah. Well he went into a more relaxed program/sober house where he had a lot more freedom and slowly things seemed better and then got worse. It got to the point where he wouldn't even make plans with me till the last minute an then change them anyways and I would get pissed and he would wonder why I was so mad. I know he was busy with his meetings during the week but seriously when he makes plans with me on a sunday and then blows me off at the last minute to go do something else it really hurt me. I would try to tell him and nothing ever changed. It got worse. He would only text me, he wouldn't even pick up the phone and call me. So I would tell him how I felt and he would listen but then nothing came of it. This is a guy who worked part time mon-fri from like 6am-noon. Then he would go home and take a nap and then go to meetings at night but was too busy so he says to even pick up the friggin phone and call me. We fought about this for about 3 months till I finally had enough. I was in a realtionship that was one sided. He only called me when he needed money. He would never invite me to do anything with him anymore and when I tried to explain I was upset he told me he was sick of my S@$t. well it wasn't s&%t to me, it was important so why should I stay in a relationshi with someone who would even show me affection. He barley kissed me anymore if I was so lucky to even see him. I asked him numerous times to talk to me about it, if there was a problem, if he was seeing someone else. Finally he told me he felt weird around me after all he had put me through and felt that if he came to my house that I was watching him like a hawk...which I was cause I don't trust him at all. So all this went down and resulted in him relapsing and now he's in jail. So I don't know if it's a common thing or not but I know how you feel.

outtolunch

Oh Alaia. Reading between the lines it sounds as if you feel some sort of responsibility for his relapse. He relapsed because he wanted to get high.

I am the Anti-Co-Dependent as it relates to marriages and relationships. Life is too short to waste time on the losers. They will bleed us until we have nothing left. The financial damage is the least of it. This is what happens when we peg our self worth to how someone else treats us.

It becomes a relationship of hopeful fantasy. It's a huge waste of time and emotion. We all have the right to be treated with respect and dignity. It's up to each of us to demand this from our relationships.

KariSue

My son is far from a 'loser' but he is an addict.

KariSue

Alaia

I don't think "loser" was meant to be all addicts. It has to do with my relationship with my A. We are not married, we don't have children, and my A is not my child so there is nothing really binding me to the relationship except myself. I don't think it was meant as in insult.

Alaia

I do feel some sort of responsibility for his relapse. I know its not my fault he made that choice...but I can't help from feeling a little guilty. It's just how I am. People tell me all the time I am too nice and I am a people pleaser and that I should put myself first for a change. I just can't help that I care so much about other people...but I am trying, it's hard trying to change your behavior if its something u have been doing all your life (31 years). Baby steps...and that's also why I come here. I am glad sober recovery has this forum for friends and family, and happy there are people like you here, who can be devils advocate for me when I need it the most.

LOST5280

I understand how you are feeling guilty...my BF told me yesterday that he is starting to realize that I am one of his biggest triggers right now and he understands why they say recovering addicts really shouldnt be in relationships for a while. But he also told me that its not me and its not that I have to change my behavior, he has to change the way he reacts to my behavior; he is the one allowing himself to be triggered by me. He said he still wants to be with me and work through this together but I cant help but feeling like I should just leave him for his sake. I feel like Im being selfish for wanting to stay with him, knowing that I am causing him stress and making him feel like he wants to do drugs. I dont know what to do, I dont want it to get to the point where he does relapse and end up in jail or on the streets or even worse, then I will really feel guilty. Last night we spent the night apart, I went to a friends house and he went to an NA meeting then hung out with one of his NA buddies. He called me on his way home and said he felt really good and he was really happy he got to spend time with his friend and talk. Im starting to think that maybe we can still technically be "together" but just spend more time apart for a while. Give him his space to go to meetings and hang out with sober friends and get as much help as possible but I just dont want us to drift as a couple. Really lost right now, seeing my therapist today, maybe she will have some insight.

outtolunch

Feeling "some sort of responsibility for his relapse" is code speak for a belief that you have some sort of supernatural control over what someone else does, or not.

The guilt will disapate when you accept that you have no control over him or his choices. His relapse is not about you and all about wanting to get high.

Acceptance is the real hard part because we own it.

Abundance

That just gives you more freedom, if you will, to worry about yourself and LESS about him.

Look after you!!! Leave his recovery to him. If you can't deal..... set a time frame for how long you are willing to be put on the back burner and let him know.

Something that I find to be most frustrating, as well as, very telling - is when they show no interest in anyone other than themselves. That is a red flag for me. It got to the point that I was not being asked about anything in regards to me...... I just had to share without him asking. That just fed my pocket of feeling rejected and un-loved........ especially when so many other people would be interested in me and how / what I was doing.

I remember noticing that my exah.... started FINALLY asking just about me.... and being genuinely interested. It took YEARSSSS, but he finally saw the reward in listening and learning to others to help gain insight about himself.

My nana always told me a still tongue keeps a wise head. Sometimes it's best to just shut up and listen!!!!!!!

I don't know if this is my perception of recovery - but what I have learned is that in NA/AA...... the addicts learn to listen and help other people. And codies/ alanon learn to listen and help themselves.

Stay close to your recovery.....