KnowBetter

I am really looking for some support. I have a grown son who has been living with me since a near fatal accident in Dec. He is an addict since he was a teenager, with alcohol being his drug of choice until recently, when he discovered pills. This was the cause of his accident in Dec. When he almost died, I couldn't handle it, and brought him home and nursed him back to health. He had one weekend binge at a friend's home in February.....and then got over that. He never uses at my home. Last weekend he went to a friend's home and drank 24 beers and took 15 or 20 Xanax that he took from the girl's medicine cabinet. They brought him home around 12:30 at night and let him out. I caught him trying to break into my kitchen and made him go to the shed. He has been high on something since then. I don't know if he still has more pills or what. My husband finally took him to a hotel room and paid for 3 nights. Tomorrow he will be out on the streets. We faxed him a list of halfway houses, and offered to pay the first week. He called me today and said he didn't have a pen or glasses and wanted me to do the calling for him.
I refused.....but I am so worried because he has threatened suicide.

I have been through all the programs and know the Alanon/Naranon theory.
I am trying to pull away and let him fall, but what if he kills himself? That is my biggest fear......I really am hurting and need some support right now that I am doing the right thing by letting him hit bottom and be out on the streets.
Any words of wisdom and support would really be appreciated.

Freedom1990

Welcome to SR, and I am sorry for the pain your son's addiction has brought you.

I have a 31 year old daughter who's an active addict. She been in jail numerous times, her husband divorced her, she overdosed in front of her children and subsequently lost custody, and I've lost count of the times she moved. I have come to the conclusion she will never find recovery.

She's a clever girl and has never been homeless more than 24 hours. She won her disability, so she's set for the rest of her life as far as she's concerned. She's obese, has COPD (chronic obstructive pulmonary disease), and has found a doctor who will prescribe her goodies like Xanax. She's ruined her teeth with the drugs and poor diet, and she loves to go to the dentist because she gets narcotics.

I finally reached a point where I had to turn her over to God and leave her there. He had a plan for me (I've been in recovery since 1986), and I trust he also has a plan for her too. I didn't hit a bottom till there was no one left to pick me up.

If your son threatens suicide, I wouldn't hesitate to call 911. Addicts will often use that as a manipulation, and if you call 911 enough times, they will get the idea. I say better safe than sorry.

Alanon was a lifesaver for me, and taught me to stay out of her stuff. I sleep well at night knowing I have placed her in God's loving hands.

I hope you continue to post, and know that you are among friends. :ghug

KnowBetter

Thanks for the support. Just reading that I am not alone helps so much. This is the lowest I have felt in a long time. I know I need to be among like minded people.

Freedom1990

No, you are not alone, and I'm sure other mothers will be along to post to you too! Are you making any Alanon or Naranon meetings? We don't have either in the little town I live in, but my sponsor is black-belt AA and Alanon both. I also have the daily reader "Courage To Change" that I read in the mornings.

I will be keeping you, your husband, and your son in my prayers. :ghug

KnowBetter

Unfortunately, there are no meetings where we live (N.Ga. Mountains)....
but I used to go regularly when he was young, so I know the program, but I think we can relapse just like the addict and start doing the wrong things and fall back into the enabling. That's what's happened to me. I don't have meeting to go to, so that's how I found this website. My computer is my contact with the outside world, now. Thank goodness for the internet.

greeteachday

Hi welcome! I'm so sorry you are going through this and don't have face to face meetings around you. You've come to a good place - lots of people who know your pain and can share their experiences and offer hope.

One thing I learned with my daughters' addictions - a tough lesson to learn, was that they could just as easily die in my home..perhaps even easier since I was sheltering and protecting them from the consequences of use. It's a difficult thing to let go...but as has been said, sometimes it is let go or be dragged. I had to place my trust completely in my higher power and I know that he and the wonderful folks here and in meetings lead me through some very dark times to a better place.

Keeping you and your family in my thoughts and prayers. Keep reading and posting!

greeteachday

BTW, I think this is a very good suggestion from fredom and I hope that may relief some anxiety.

Spiritual Seeker

In my exper. with my own AS, I have seen that he is incapable of getting into treatment when in the throes of addiction/depression/suicidal thoughts. When he is willing to get treatment I have made the arrangements for him. This last (third) treatment facilitated him being sober 1 yr. now.
He has told me that this saved his life.
Facilitating medical attent./treatment is different that enabling in my mind.
A few times I offered treatment and my son refused...then I had to detach for awhile until he became more willing.
Just like you I did not allow my son to be an addict and live in my house...

Get between your son and drugs if he is willing ...

Done_With_It

Welcome to SR

I would also call 911 if he threatens suicide.

I think by hanging on to him so tight you are also sending
the message to him and to yourself that he can't do this
on his own, so he's no going to try, and he's not going to
get better with you there.

If you step out of his way, and make him get better on his
own he will start to realize as you will, that he can do this
on his own.

Think back to when he was learning to walk, his first day
at school without you, riding his bike, how hard it was for you both,
and how you wanted so badly to hold on to him.
So he wouldn't fall down or hurt himself, but eventually you
got out of his way and he learned and was able to do it.


Your doing the right thing by letting him go,
Ever heard of the saying,
I would die for you, but I won't live for you?


Big hugs to you and Welcome again.

sojourner

Spiritual Seeker, good advice. I have learned with my AS is that there are some points in his life, especially when he is asking for help in the form of asking to come home, asking for money, about to become homeless, etc., that those are times when he is the most willing to consider going for treatment for his problem. I try to capitalize on those moments.

KnowBetter, the fear of our addicted loved one's death is the most powerful manipulator out there. Our addicted loved ones do not always intentionally use this as a ploy, but we see it and are so moved to try to do something about it. The author of "Addict in the Family" addresses that subject pretty good, I think. Calling 911 is a good idea, no matter how many times you have to do it. Good for your son, and good for you. And maybe those 911 people can give you some ideas in the legal arena...

hope213

i feel your pain, i am glad you have found us. i am also the mom of an addict son. it is hard to let go & let God. my advise is also call 911 & maybe they can help your son. maybe he can get clean & see where he is. we have to let go or get dragged. this is not your fault. you did not CAUSE it,you can not CONTROL it & you can not CURE it. please keep coming back & know we care. prayers for you & your son.

winnie12

I agree with this wholeheartedly. Honestly most people who do commit suicide dont threaten it all the time so typically its a manipulation tactic but its not to be taken lightly because they may say it so many times that they do it. My son used to threaten this all the time - took three trips to a mental hospital till he stopped. now he admits he was just trying to get me to do what he wanted but he never threatens that anymore because he didnt get the response he wanted. Now he knows if he threatens it that i'm going to call 911. now if he comes and talks to me about being depressed or needing help then i try to get him in front of his counselor quickly to get the help he needs but dont take it to drastic measures. addiction and depression do go hand in hand so even if its manipulation take appropriate action.

HurtingDad

As others have said, he needs to know he's on his own, no matter how painful it is for you. The suicide card is one that's often played by addicts - it's a powerful tool of manipulation.

Naranon or Alanon will help you to 'let go'. You'll learn that you can still love him, but not the addict. It's a tough distinction to make.

Don't let fear and guilt and his problems ruin your life, your life is the only one you control, not his.

This is easier said than done, but with the help of SR and a group you're on the right path.

Sending prayers and best wishes to you and your son.

KnowBetter

Thanks so much for all your replies. I'm really thankful to all you mothers who took the time to post. I think the mother of an addict is a little different than other family members....we have the need to "take care" of our children....an inherent characteristic.
Learning to detach is an everyday struggle. I am going to take your advice and call 911 the next time he even insinuates he doesn't want to live/suicide. I will know I have done all I can, at least.

The girl that he stole the meds from last weekend has decided to let him move in with her for a month (trial basis). She has called me (part of me really hates being in any part of this drama...maybe the program is kicking back in).....she is going to make sure her meds are not available where he can get to them....no alcohol....and he will be going to meetings. I don't know how long this will last, but it's not my problem. I really would like her not to call me and involve me with their day-to-day stuff, but I don't want to be rude and cut off communications with her as she seems to care about him and wants to give him a chance.

I'm going to start attending online Naranon meetings tonight. I feel like I've found the right place for ME.

Thanks again to everyone.

JMFburns

KB,
Welcome to SR and glad you found this site, it really is a good support system if you don't have meetings available.

I am the mother of a 28 yr old son who is currently sober, jobless (2-3 years), homeless (5 months) and struggling w/mental health issues. I too struggle on a daily basis w/enabling him. He has been on a downward spiral for the past 5 years and has spent alot of that time telling me why my suggestions won't work, why meetings wouldn't help, why he can't do this or that - never what he can do, what will work, etc. Anyway . . . he said he couldn't go to a homeless shelter - he's survived 5 months - not well, but is still alive.

Yikes to the lady that's taking him in! But, Good luck to you and glad your getting back to a 12 step program for yourself.

CarolD

Keep hoping but keep trusting in God's plan.

At this time...my AS is living in a homeless shelter
taking classes ....working. He has been a bum for 30 years.
God Bless the Salvation Army!

Prayers for you ...your son and your husband.

KnowBetter

Thanks for all your input and prayers!