eggdogg1234

I had an awful night last night with my AW. I have already told her that I was done dealing with her addiction (a week ago), but I find myself still dealing with it. She came home done up on pills, and was completely crazy until she fell asleep. I kept asking her if she wanted me to call 911 to get some help, or take her to detox or something, but she refuses everything, and eventually turns everything against me (same old story I guess). How do I get her out of the house that we own? How far do I have to takes this to regain my peace of mind? Do I have to file for divorce and get a restraining order and change the locks, or is there another way? Any advice would be very much appreciated at this point. Thanks.

Freedom1990

With my AD, I kicked her to the curb, changed the locks, and got a restraining order. That's the only type of 'action' she understands, unfortunately.

I no longer live with insanity in my home/life.

Chino

She was supposed to be looking for sober living and I guess that was all talk on her part. If she isn't going to do that or rehab, and you've hit your bottom, it's time to speak with an attorney.

suchAsucker

I finally came to the conclusion that *I* was the one who had to leave... because no matter what, he would figure out a way to come back (and I would let him back inside the house). During our last week together in the apartment before I moved, he would get upset when I started humming this song (unconsiously) while cleaning, a song that I used to quote during our arguments.. Hope it gives you a chuckle...

SONG: "BUT THE CAT CAME BACK..."

Now old Mister Johnson had troubles all his own, He had an old yeller cat which wouldn't leave home, He knew steps were needed to remove the little curse, The old man knew it couldn't get any worse. He tried everything he knew to try to get the cat to stay away, Even took him up to Canada and told him for to stay

Chorus: But the cat came back the very next day, The cat came back, 'thought he was a goner, But the kittie came back 'cause he couldn't stay away

The farmer on the corner said he'd shoot him on sight, He loaded up his shotgun full of rocks and dynamite; The explosion was heard all 'round town, Little pieces of the man is all they found

Chorus: But the cat came back...

He gave a boy a dollar for to set the cat afloat, And he took him up the river in a sack and a boat; Now the fishin' it was fine 'till the news got around, That the boat was missing and the boy was drowned.

Chorus: But the cat came back...

He gave him to a man going up in a balloon, He told him for to leave him with the man in the moon; The balloon it busted, down to earth it head, Seven miles away they picked the man up dead.

Chorus: But the cat came back...

Now they finally found a way this cat for to fix, They put him in an orange crate out on Route 66, Come a ten ton truck with a twenty ton load, Scattered pieces of the orange crate all down the road

Chorus: But the cat came back...

Then he took him to the shop where the meat was ground, And dropped him in the hopper when the butcher wasn't round, Now the cat disappeared with a blood curdling shriek, And the town's meat tasted furry for a week

Chorus: But the cat came back...

Now they took him to Cape Canveral and they put him in this place, In a US rocket going way in outer space, Now they waited 'till they thought he was out of human reach, Next day they got a call from Miami Beach...

Chorus: But the cat came back...

ventuhome

Eggdogg, my brother is going thru the same thing with his wife right now. You can call the mental health dept in town and get the procedure to have her assessed by the paramedics the next time she comes home loaded and crazy. If they dont take her to mental health for a hold, at least you have established that she was loaded. Is she driving? Give her license number to the police and get her arrested for DUI (PLEASE - the life you save could be mine!!). If you dont want to stay together with an addict, see an attorney and file for divorce. When my bro gets onto this site (he's having technical problems) maybe he can contact you.

eggdogg1234

Thanks for all the replies guys. At the moment she is in a detox center. her mom took her there, but I have a sinking feeling that she will be at my door sooner than later. To the post above (i have thought a lot about her hurting someone else and it truly bothers me) I hope that I can call the cops if she ever shows up at my house loaded again. I have already talked to the police about my situation and right now I am looking forward to having a relaxing evening by myself, but you never know. I really am so exhausted by this mess she created i can't even describe it. It is very surreal. I can't thank you guys enough this site has been a blessing. There aren't many meetings in this town and it helps to hear other peoples experiences and stories. I pray she gets help, but that is all I am willing to do right now.

itisatruth

Just wanted to say welcome to SR ~ hope you can savor the quiet time...every minute of it. Get rest and take care of you.

My AH had some really bad times on pills ~ and I had the 'ringside' seats to watch. I totally understand the exhaustion and that surreal feeling.

With legal issues it seems wisest to be ahead of the game - check around for free/low-cost consultations and at least hear what they have to say.

greeteachday

Hope you have a restful night. Having a plan gives you options. I found if I could take the time when I was off the roller coaster to explore my options and get some face to face support, i was in a better position to deal with things when the drama started up again. That in turn gave me the chance to work on me and make choices to stop the insanity.

ventuhome

Hey eggdogg, hope you have been able to get some rest. My bro and I went to a Nar-Anon meeting last week, and we are planning to go again this week. Plus I come here a lot. My sis-in-law is coming out of detox tomorrow and going straight to court to be sentenced. We've gotten to the point where her going to jail is a blessing for all of us. Since she's been gone for 2 weeks, my brother has come back to life - he is hopeful and energetic. Today he went to see the social worker, visit his son, then ran off to a parenting class tonite. 2 weeks ago he could barely get out of bed. Being able to rest - because you wont have to face another day of chaos - is something you really need at this point. Keep coming here and read the posts. Ventu

barblsn

Yep, that's what I did, except I couldn't get a restraining order because he never hit me, but if there is a next time, I will lie my head off to get one. I started divorce precedings but didn't finish because of finances. But I did change those locks, and I told everyone we knew that my husband was out using and not to believe anything he said or give him anything. 2 weeks later he was behind bars, and we were both finally safe.

The hardest part for me was accepting that this was not about me. And once I did, things got better. Focus on you. Everytime you want to take care of her, take care of you. Thinks SHE needs counseling? You go to counseling. Thinks SHE needs a meeting? You go to one. Thinks she needs some rest? You rest.
You cannot impact on her life right now, but you can greatly improve yours.

eggdogg1234

Just an update. I have opened a new bank account, and have got a referral to a divorce attorney. I received a call from my AW yesterday afternoon, and she was calm and regretful. She said she just wanted to hear my voice and didn't want me to "shut her out", she also asked me not to get a divorce. I really didn't know what to say, except that I needed a break from everything. I told her that I was afraid to see her, because if I saw her I would try to help her and that my way of helping was not good for me or her. I told that I wanted to correspond by letter for a while, and that was pretty much it. I feel a little guilty about not telling her straight out that I want out of the marriage, because I am unhappy and that I am afraid to be with her. I found myself slipping back into old habits, in that my brain was telling me to not upset her for fear she will take off from the detox place and kill herself. I hope that in the next few weeks I can clearly explain to her that I can not be married to her and can not see her for quite a while if ever. I don't know I am still confused. Thanks guys.

Freedom1990

I completely understand that kind of thinking! It took a long time for me to grasp that I just wasn't powerful enough to make or prevent someone from doing something.

I was always knotted up in my gut and walking on eggshells, not a pleasant way to live at all!

:ghug :ghug

cessy68

I know. I know.

Hi eggdogg, sorry that you are going through this..... and welcome to SR.

If you read my post for the past couple days, I'm sure you know I'm not the one who has been 'done with it' yet.........but I am here for you to vent to-- I am here to let you know you are not alone-- I am here to tell you that I understand the hurt and disappointment, anger, and all the other emotions.....
Thats what I have to offer you, some compassion and an ear.

Some of the others here are much further along in understanding boundaries, and how to handlethings..... we all are here for you.

Love,
Cess

FunnyOne

One thing I don't see mentioned very often but it scared the Baloney out of me, we shared legal liability! So when he was out driving all hopped up, my house was on the line. First, I bought a million dollar liability policy, then I cut him off forcing him to go to rehab. I am now proceeding with a legal separation, and will probably sign the car over to him so that I won't be liable if/when he falls off the recovery train!

hope213

welcome..... i just want to say "this is not your fault." you did not CAUSE it, you can not CONTROL it & you can not CURE it. no matter what you do or don't do she will do whatever she wants to. let go or b dragged. you are doing the right things. let her know she has no home with you any more while she is in rehab. keep coming back & know we care. prayers,

eggdogg1234

Another update, for all who are interested. The AW is getting out of detox on Thursday, and will be living with her Mom and her mom's boyfriend. I am talking to a lawyer tomorrow about my options as far as protecting myself financially and legally from her actions. I found a mens group alanon meeting that I will be trying to attend as regularly as I can. I am still very anixous about telling my AW that I can't be around her right now and maybe ever, but I am looking forward to what my life will feel like in two months....hopefully happy joyous and free. On a sad note my grandfather passed away, and I will be going out of town to see my family and go to the services. He was an extraordinary man who will always be in my head and heart. He was a professor of law / lecturer / dean of students / and an absolutely stunning grandfather....I hope his spirit is finding its way home.

Hangin' In

Egg,

I'm so sorry to hear about your grandfather. I pray that you will find comfort and strength in the days ahead as you go through this time of loss.

I think you attending some Al Anon meetings is a great idea. I just know that is where I began my journey of turning my life around for the better. I never want to go back to the way I lived prior to adding meetings (and this board) to my life.

One suggestion: If your wife will get out while you are gone regarding your grandfather's passing away, I'd suggest you have your house locked up tight.
Desperate people do desperate things.

Hugs,
Hangin' In

ventuhome

Eggdogg, sorry to hear of your grandfather's passing. Sounds like he was an amazing man. Isnt that the best legacy to have, to have friend, family, and colleagues rememeber as a good person? Happy to hear you are going to Alanon.

greeteachday

I'm sorry about the loss of your grandfather. Your words speak so clearly of your love and admiration for him.

I'm glad you found an Alanon group and have made some arrangements so your Aw is staying elsewhere. I know you feel a bit out of sorts and scared, but you truly have taken some great steps towards that life you envision in a few months.

eggdogg1234

an update to all who are interested. I am back from my grandfather's funeral, it was quite emotional. I was able to speak at it and felt good about that. I have talked to a lawyer about my AW, and have gotten the papers for a legal separation, and will be signing and serving them soon. I talked to my AW yesterday for the first time since she pulled her head out of her a$$, and it went better than I thought it would. I was able to express my needs fairly clearly and spoke of the separation, without any manipulation on her part. So I am confident that I can begin anew by myself. I imagine that I am on track for a new manageable life within a few months. I am still at the start of all this, but I feel I have come a long way. I could not have done it without the help of my councilors, alanon, and this site (thank you all). For anybody reading this who is still locked in a relationship with an addict you can take your life back. I thought I was never going to get out of the web I was caught in, but all it took was some encouragement from friends (on this site and in my day to day life), and some courage on my own part. When I drove back from the airport to my house, I realized that I am in control of my life for the first time in a long time. I am very happy today.