Chino

That was pure poetry and it brought tears to my eyes. Wishing you a beautiful today and tomorrow

ventuhome

A big CHEER to you for getting help!! When we are at our limit, we are at our limit and its time for a change. Pls stick around and let us know how you progress.

eggdogg1234

Update time........I was just let go from my job of 4 and a half years due to the economy. This is bad news for me with everything I am going through, but I am trying to make the best of it. I figure I have a chance to do a complete overhaul of my life, which is exciting, but I have this strange feeling of helplessness. So I am going to take two days and try to decide what would make me happy and let the rest work itself out, instead of trying to find a job today. On a sad note my AW is using again. This really had more of an effect on me than I had expected, and that tells me I still have quite a lot to learn (or unlearn). I have paid the lawyer's retainer, but i still need to fill out the forms (I have been putting it off because everything was going so well.......errrr i mean I didn't want to deal with it). In the morning I will drop the papers off with the lawyers and try to have a relaxing day. I absolutely hate the feelings I get when I think about my AW out there using, such a freakin nightmare for all involved. I love this forum and hope you all are doing well.

TrainWreckAgain

Hope can be a wonderful thing... and a dangerous thing. I spent the better part of 2 years hoping that things would change. In reality, it was magical thinking. I was helped to understand this by my daughter, who one day looked at me and said, "Dad, did you know that Einstein defined insanity as doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting a different result."

I thought about that, and then thought about my actions. I was stuck in the mode of "if I just hang in there, somehow things will get better." And of course, it did not. When I broke the status quo, and insisted that my SO go get help, things changed. I kept waiting for her to act, when in reality, I was the one who needed to change. I needed to defend my boundaries

HurtingDad

Breath IN....Breath out...and smile.

Wow - you have done and been through so much you are to be congratulated. We all know that it isn't easy but as you come out on the other side your life will be yours. Make sure you do some things that give you comfort and fun.

whereami

I read your update I am so glad you are taking the steps to secure a happy future for yourself. You are worth it and yes a relationship is hard enough without addiction added to the mix. I wish you so much peace and joy...I am on the road to starting a new life now that my ex is away and though he is still using, enabled etc. I am taking steps to make my future about me and my little one...Good luck and God bless

You spoke of a new job...this may be your chance to do what you have always wanted to do?? Who knows maybe a new career opportunity? Crossing my fingers for ya...

ventuhome

Hey Eggie-guy, this economy really sucks, but I pray you will find another job soon. Just keep taking care of yourself, job hunt during the week and remember you are allowed to have weekends still. As for your AW, you did not cause her relapse, she chose to use. We believe in you!!!!

hope213

just read your updated post. i am so sorry about yuour grandfather. peace b to him.
i am also sorry about your job. miracles work in mysterious waysd sometimes. maybe this is your chance to really move on. good luck on what u decide to do. prayers,

eggdogg1234

It has been a while so I wanted to update again (it is wierd to read back in this thread and remember some of the stuff I went through, and it was only like a few months ago). Anyway my AW (i have yet to be able to serve her the separation papers) is in a three month rehab, after really falling off bad. She was doing really well than she relasped and vanished for a few weeks, only to show up at my house at 1 in the morning asking for help. So she is in a place of recovery right now which is good for her and the people who love her. I still have not found a job, but I am on umemployment now, I have finished the reapp for the university here, and hope to start in the fall. I have started to volunteer at the food bank since I have some time on my hands, and I have been going to a lot of meetings. I am much happier than I have been in a while, in part because I do not carry a ton of stress with me all the time anymore. There are moments through out each day when I relaspe into my bullsh*t behavoir but it does not last too long. This week I have foucused on living in the now, and have found it to be damn near impossible, but the more I try the more moments of peace I am granted. What a gift this site hass been for me, I hope that others get as much out of it as I do. Until next time, I will be trying to buck socitey's constent attempts to conform me.


If I am doing it right you can find me in the "present".

eggdogg1234

Hi eveyone, its update time. I have served divorce papers to my wife, I am going back to the Univesity on Monday, and my life is way different now than it was was I started this thread. Losing my job was one of the best things that happened to me, because it availed me two months of free time to go to meetings, see my counsilor, and start a new type of life. Now I am meditating daily, going to at least three meetings a week, and I feel great for long parts of everyday. I can not even believe how much of a difference there is in my interactions with other people, and inner self.

I have learned a great deal about myself through this mess, and can say (at least while I am writing this) that my exAW was one of the best things that ever happened to me. My whole outlook on life and happiness has changed so drastically because of what I went through with her. I pray that she can find happiness for herself, but that is all for right now.

Don't get me wrong SR I do not feel healed, I don't think I ever will, and I still carry my bag of sh*t around with me and dip into it daily. But I am becoming more aware of what I am doing and can sometimes even correct myself right after i do something stupid. I still get hung up a little when I think of her, but it is not disabling. My fear is slowly dissapearing, and being replaced by positive thoughts and excitment for MY LIFE. I have met a great group of guys from alanon and they have been very supportive of me.

Now the thing that I am getting hung up on lately is sex (I don't mean to be krass). I have not had sex in a while (I have never been the one night stand type of guy), and I don't even think I could handle having sex right now. I feel like I would want to attatch emotions to the act and get myself into a world of trouble........but I am human and 31 y/o. Has anyone been in that spot where they want (at this point almost need) some intimate human interaction, but were afraid of how it would affect them? Does that even make sense?

Thanks to all who have listened and shared with me through this huge part of MY LIFE. I love you all in the same way.

teke

hi, sorry about your grandfather. sounds like you are on your way to a better tomorrow. i'm praying for you and your family.

IPT

I can relate to the sex thing. It was a huge part of my relationship with my ex. Toward the end it was probably the bulk of the relationship. It was one of the biggest things I missed afterwards. I did go ahead and have a few hook-ups. To be honest, it made me feel worse. It wasn't the same, and made me miss her even more, or at the least think about her more. Now it is more fun as I emotionally detach from the old relationhsip and right or wrong it takes care of one physical need while I heal my emotions and heart.

For me I have always had a hard time expressing emotion. It has been pointed out to me that sex was my way of getting intimacy and connection. I total get that you miss it. Now I have one but I miss the emotional connection. I'm sure many will say that we should be able to be happy on our own, and I can't argue with that. Family and friends are great...but my family is far away, and my friends mostly married and busy. It is noce to have an intimate connection, and understandable to miss it. I get it , I understand.