texanlymie

Our family is slowly being destroyed and I am totally helpless to stop it. A little background, I am 47, my sister L is 45 and my brother R is 43. My sister L became pregnant in high school and had a daughter K. My sister L was like many teen moms, she wouldn’t stay home to take care of the baby, wanted to be with the loser father, party with her friends, etc. She was a good mom, when she was around, however my parents ended up adopting that child and raising her as their daughter. While my parents raised this child (K)as their own she was very spoiled and received very few consequences for any bad behavior.

The cycle continued and K became pregnant in high school and had a daughter, M.G. My parents have now raised this child (who is now 10 years old) since birth with no financial help from K, even though K received monthly child support checks from the father ( who is not very involved and lives 450 miles away.) My parents bought K a car, and she never made a single payment or contributed to anything. They even paid for her auto insurance and her daughters health insurance until 2 years ago.

I’m not sure when K started using, but I suspect it was in high school , maybe earlier. I believe she has been addicted to Xanax, pain medication and Tylenol PM for about 10 years. To complicate matters, several therapists who we have consulted believe she has Borderline Personality Disorder.

When K graduated high school she moved 30 miles away to attend college. She was allowed to live in an apartment, sometimes not coming home for two weeks at a time to see her daughter. Even after graduating college she didn’t move home for six months and only lived there a short time before moving out again. All the while, (even to this day) my parents kept pushing the mother/child relationship, thinking she would “come to her senses.”

K received first DWI in 2006, convicted in 2007, received fines and community service. Finished paying fines in December 2008.
K received second DWI April 2009 along with open container.

A little more history:
K moved into apartment with boyfriend B.S. in January 2007 telling her daughter that when school was out in May 2007 she would come live with them, but in between would spend every weekend with them. The boyfriend wound up watching the child with the mom drinking and on the computer or texting on her phone. The child visited maybe twice.

March 2007 K confessed she “wasn’t in love” with B.S. any longer, shortly after I caught her in a lie and she proceeded to lie to everyone, including her 7 year old daughter and say that I had broken her and B.S. up and it was all my fault. The reason she dumped B.S. is that she already was cheating with a new guy B. K.

She dated B.K. for 9 months (yet continued to live at the apartment with B.S.) and they became engaged. The following year, she cheated on him numerous times, lied to my parents and her daughter about going out of town on business and broke her arm skiing and needed emergency surgery.
B.K. forgave her because she is such an effective liar. He thinks he was able to get her “un-addicted “ from pain pills she received for her arm surgery from the skiing accident. She’s always been on one pill or another plus alcohol. The wedding was still on for February 2009.

K and B.K. purchased a brand new home in December 2008. Wedding is fast approaching, just about a month and half away. K suddenly calls wedding off one week prior and lies to everyone saying B.K. cheated on her at his bachelor party and hit her in the eye. She went so far as to fake a black eye, making it up with eye shadow, taking a photo and sending the photo out to everyone Ah, but that’s not all. We discover she had already been cheating with an ex-heroin and current Xanax addict….a guy who’s parents are raising his two children. The new guy is M.L. Both K and M.L. are 27 years of ago.

K and M.L. immediately get an apartment together. Their drug use continues with doctor shopping for Xanax and a new DUI/open container for her and public intoxication for him. Her ex -fiancée is in contact with her employer and they confirm her behavior is out of control i.e. getting multiple tattoos, appearing drugged at work, missing work, etc. She constantly uses her daughter as an excuse to get out of work (teacher conference, daughter is sick with strep throat, this and that, etc) Most recently she lied about my mom having cancer and neck surgery so that she could get out of working. Her lies are so arrogant that she thinks she’ll never be caught in one.
Supposedly M.L. hit K and she called police, he went to jail, she conned ex-fiance into helping her get out of apartment lease, moved back into the house with ex-fiance B.K. But after moving said she still had feelings for junkie, M. L. and couldn’t be with B.K. Meanwhile, junkie M. L. was admitted to VA Hospital for becoming disoriented in jail and falling due to withdrawl symptoms. Supposedly a miracle has occurred and he has detoxed. Not. The VA Hospital is the one that got him hooked on Xanax and they don’t do detox, yet my sister has lied and made my parents believe this.

This isn’t the worst part of all of this. The absolute worst part is how K manipulates, emotionally abuses and mentally abuses her 10 year old daughter M. She plays the sympathy card with M making her feel sorry for her and tries to turn her against everyone else in our family, anyone who dares to confront her or cross her. She upsets this child to no end. She lies to this child constantly. And my parents, who recently were awarded permanent conservatorship of M, continue to enable K and fail to protect M.

My sister and I are absolutely helpless to do anything about it. Nothing fazes my mom, she seems to always have an excuse about why K does this or that, or why K says this or that to her daughter. My mom even took a drug test for K about 8 years ago so she could get a job. Incredible!

My parents have enabled her particularly my dad because he does not like confrontation of any sort. He will always give in no matter what. They even recently allowed K to move back into their home. Their home where her
daughter M. lives. The daughter did not and does not want her mom living there but always gives into her because she manipulates and makes everyone feel sorry for her. I can’t take this much longer. Any suggestions or advice would be helpful. My parents are 65 years of age.

Our family is being destroyed by this parasite K. You know how they say family love is unconditional? Well it’s not here, I’ve lost any love I had left for K. I just want her out, banished, I don’t care what happens to her, she's an adult that can take care of herself. I care about the innocent 10 year old daughter that cannot protect herself. She is powerless.

splendra

Welcome (((((texanlymie))))))

It sounds like a lot chaos in your family right now. K is going to do what she will. I think what the rest of you need to do is keep the focus on yourselves and take care of yourselves.

I have 3 drug addicted siblings and a mom who is raising one of their children and lets them run over her all the time. I tried to convince my mom to stop enabling them to no avail. I had to stand back from it and at least give my mom room to hit bottom. Which she did with my oldest brother and he is the only one who is in recovery although he still has lapses he is getting better. Now she needs to hit bottom 2 more times but I don't know if she will be able to. She is getting older and she does not feel very well.

Are you near your bottom with this? Are you strong enough to get out of the fight? The more space you can give your mom and dad the more clearly and sooner they will be able to see what is really going on. I know it will not be easy and it will be painful if you can do it.

Please keep posting.

itiswhatitis...

hi texan - addiction sucks - plain and simple - my family situation seems pretty similar to yours - i only had custody of my nephews for 6 months and my mom never had to be responsible for the grandkids but there but for the grace of god go i...

have you ever thought about alanon ? - it helps so much - your parents are only doing what the think is the right thing - and the innocence lost by children to this disease is what keeps me volunteering as a child advocate for kids in foster care - most of them are there only because of drugs and alcohol and the neglect that insues because of that - it breaks my heart - but just keep doing whats right for the kids - and know that addiction is what makes k behave the way she does - you can love the sinner without loving the sin - it took me a long time to get there with my sister - and my husband, etc... as my husband once told me no one wants to be an alcoholic (addict, etc)...

i know its hard but as a friend once said *no one said live was easy - it's just worth it*...

godpseed,
s

just for today

What a horrible thing addiction. I can understand and relate to your anger and frustration. I can also understand your concerns. It is one thing to let the addict and their enablers fall, if fact it is the right thing, but a 10 YO child is another matter and without some intervention she will follow the same pattern. She is learning how to manipulate and lie with no consequences. Your parents may be doing what they feel is best, but it didn't work for L or K, so why do they feel it will be any better or turn out any differently for the child. You know the saying "insanity=doing the same thing over and over, expecting a different result"

No child should be subjected to the whims of people that do not put their welfare first, be it the addict or others turning a blind eye to the consequences.

I may not have said this exactly right and I have no answers. but do whatever is necessary to save this child, she is the important, innocent one in this.

Blessings,

bluejay6

You can find this book on amazon:

"Surviving the Borderline Mother"

It is easy to read and gives excellent advice. Even if she ever gets clean, BPD will still make her chaotic and will damage her child psychologically. I'm sure you know this, given that she has been diagnosed.

But if you haven't read the book, it can help.

Sending you wishes for clarity and action.

texanlymie

Thank you guys for your input, I really do appreciate it.

Last night I discovered that K is either already pregnant by her junkie boyfriend ML or is trying to get pregnant. Keep in mind, ML does not have a job and K makes $10.00 per hour at her job which she's had less than a year. Both are living home with their respective parents.

None of this would concern me if a child were not involved. K could do as she pleased and my parents could enable her to the end of time and it would not matter. But there is an innocent child involved that I am trying to save. Even if I have to get CPS involved to get K to move out of the home. Anyone have anything like this done? I think they refer to it as a Safety Plan.

My mom thinks she's going to drug test K, which K can pass the test if she knows how. It's useless, so I'm going to stand back and just let my parents have LOTS of time alone with K and really enjoy themselves. But in the meantime, I'm checking all avenues that I can find to save M.

Freedom1990

CPS was of no help to me when it came to grievous concerns for my granddaughter. By the time my grandson came along 5 years later, I realized unless I had unlimited funds and a damned good lawyer, I wasn't going to get anywhere.

However, I am not sorry I did what I did because now I know I exhausted all resources, and it just wasn't mean to be.

I would encourage you to do what you can because you may have better luck with CPS in the area you live in.

God bless you for looking out for the child! :ghug :ghug

texanlymie

I have more questions that you hopefully you can give me some guidance on. My sister moved back in to my parents home on May 4. Prior to moving in she told them she would even go to church with them, her plan to get clean was going to NarAnon every single night and going to counseling. In the last nine days she has done none of the things she said she would. She found the outline my parents were working on of a contract she would agree to in order to live there. She went ballistic at knowing my parents do not want her junkie boyfriend there at their house or around her daughter. She continues to try to convince them he is "good deep down inside." I disagree. If he were good deep down inside he would be raising his two sons and not his parents. If he were good deep down inside, he wouldn't be spending all his money on tattoos and drugs. If he were good deep down inside he would not be spending all his time with my sister instead of his children. My sister claims he's been detoxed (at a VA hospital, gimme a break he was there 5 days and then sold some medication they gave him a prescription for) and he's turning his life around. Oh and another thing, she now refers to him as slankdog which I've found in the urban dictionary to mean a drug dealer, skank, ho, etc. Anyone know about this term?

So I asked my mom "you're really not thinking of allowing him into your home to talk are you ?" and she said "well we want to just give him our thoughts" i told my mom she didn't even know her own thoughts since she doesn't even have a plan put together and still doesn't know what she will do IF my sister tests positive on a drug test that my mom will probably never buy. She said IF she tests positive that she will pack all her things up, call the ex-fiancee to get a key to the house they still own together and take her things over there, about 20 miles away. So I said, oh I see, you're going to do it FOR her, right? I asked her how many NarAnon meetings my sister had been to. She said none. I asked her how many times my sister had gone to church. She said none. I asked her how many times my sister had been to counseling. She said none and then turned around and said well I'm going to make an appointment for her. I said no, she needs to make her OWN appointments!

It's like a hamster on a wheel....

Freedom1990

You can hop off that hamster wheel if you want to.

Your mother isn't going to change. Your sister isn't going to change.

You do have the choice to seek recovery for yourself from the effects that addiction has had in your life, and start living for yourself.

WLDKATZ

made my head spin, I have BPD...........scarry seeing it threw your eyes I am just thankful I was able to get help........wondering how?!?!? I headed down the same path that K did only I was selling the drugs had the sexual addicition as well as my own addiction to drugs enabling parents the whole 9 yards then 1 person put all of his faith into me and showed me how to be a good person for one day I went bck out using ect then the next thing ya know I landed in jail found out I was pg by this guy and then it was a whole new world........I put the needs of my child before myself found out about this bpd thing all of my life really is here on this site since I became clean almost 2 years ago....good luck to you though.....for me it was tough love, thin your parents need a serious dose of it as well!!!!!
BTW they are trying to find out id BPD is inharited, watch that movie Girl interupted.......AWSOME MOVIE put things really into perspective for my parents too.!


Good Luck!
Pamm

splendra

For your own serenity I hope you step back. If you insist on anything with your parents get them to secure their valuables if they have a safety deposit box they need to put any jewelry and other small valuables and blank checks in it. I guarantee you that K and b/f have their eyes on the goods.

texanlymie

Thanks Splendra, I am stepping back. Thinking about joining an Alanon group, have attended two session at a rehab center which is a cross between an Alanon group and a family group.

I'm letting go. I took your advice, called my mom this a.m. just asked what they were doing, didn't ask about the addict and said "the people at rehab suggested that you lock up any valuables, checks/guns/social security numbers/credit card numbers/wills/court documents having to do with child custody/etc because K and ML will be going through your things when you go on vacation and will take them." She said ok , turned to my dad and asked about guns, then told her I had to go.

It's easier letting go and keeping a distance. It's not as easy to let go of the anger toward the addict. I feel at this point, if she were to disappear today, it would be a relief to everyone. A collective sigh of relief. And I understand everyone who deals with an addict has probably felt that way at one one time or another. Her daughter has even voiced the same feeling. When her mom got the second DUI her daughter said "I wish my mom would have just gotten in a car accident and died."

I'm getting off the wheel of insanity today!

texanlymie

bluejay6, thank you so much for recommending "Understanding The Borderline Mother" this book describes almost verbatim the behavior and actions of my sister as well as the behavior and actions of my niece, particularly siding with her mom. This will be a huge help to our family. Thanks again!

texanlymie

This is a recap of the above plus some current events. I sent this info to a preacher in hopes that he can give me some advice on how to break down the very, very big walls of denial of my codependent parents. The sitaution has turned even more urgent as my addict sister is now 8 weeks pregnant and I know she is still using. Yesterday, my cousin was on the phone with my parents and my sister called one of my parents cell phone and said she was at Walmart and came out to the parking lot and couldn't find her car. She wanted to know if my parents had picked up her car? Ok this is a town of like 10,000 people there aren't THAT many cars at the Walmart parking lot. I say she's using something, and it's most likely Xanax. Read on. I have taken previous advice and taken a step back, and not mentioned my sister to my parents for 2 months, still nothing has changed. Suggestions, thoughts, advice all welcome.
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I am 47 years of age, my sister L is 45. My sister L got pregnant in high school and gave birth to my niece K in 1982 when she was 17 years old. My parents F and W raised K and formally adopted K when she was 8 years old. So, legally K became my sister. My parents spoiled K growing up; she had no boundaries, rules, or consequences. K was very argumentative, as is my mother; and K and F would get into screaming matches. One was so bad W broke a chair over the dining room table to stop the screaming and arguing.

K got pregnant and gave birth to my niece M when she was 17 years old in 1999 (see the cycle?) My parents have now raised M since she was a newborn and allowed K to move 30 miles away to attend college. During this time K became involved heavily with alcohol and drugs; attending raves and not visiting M for spans up to two weeks at times. K's drug use became increasingly worse, she began stealing my prescription pain pills as well as my mother and grandmother’s and drinking wine regularly - as her drug use worsened her manipulating and lying grew.

K has dated many men in the past 10 years and several in the past three years seriously and each time told her daughter M that they were going to be her new dad. K manipulates M and uses her as a tool; K has threatened each family member multiple times that she will never let them see M again if they don't do this or that. Fortunately my parents F and W gained managing conservatorship over M earlier this year.

K received her first DWI in April 2006 and her second in April 2009. The second resulted in an interlocking device being installed in K’s car. K had seizures due to abusing prescription medication only last month yet my parents still allow my niece M to ride in the car with K. K has now moved back into my parent’s home for the second time in the last nine months. She is involved with another addict whose parents are raising his two children from a previous marriage. K rules the house when she’s there and M does not want K living there because K causes chaos and stress in M and my parents lives. However, my parents cannot/will not say no to K. My parents have bailed K out of every situation she has ever gotten herself into. My parents are in extreme denial; they do not believe K has a drug problem even though she has two DWI's; has had seizures because of her prescription drug abuse/addiction. K even admitted to our mom that the seizure was brought on by abusing prescription drugs; everyone in our immediate family knows K has a problem and is slowly killing herself. To make matters worse K is now pregnant by her her addict boyfriend. I, my sister L, my brother and cousin all knew months ago K was trying to become pregnant via her My Space page AND my mother found an ovulation kit in her bedroom. My parents refuse to believe this. They have even allowed K in the past (and probably present) to bring, keep and drink wine in their home.

We are attempting to plan an intervention but we are up against great odds. Unless my parents change their enabling, K will continue in her same destructive path and die. We have spoken with many therapists all of which suggest she has BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder), she has not been formally diagnosed as she will not see a therapist, but they highly suspicion it due to her behavior. The counselor M was seeing even told my mom that K should only have supervised visitation with M and should not live in the same house with her and my parents.

My parents have attended the Church of Christ for over 30 years and are devout Christians. I believe my father is confused about what the bible teaches about forgiveness, he will not turn K away; he continues to give her money, car, place to stay. He does not see he is helping to slowly kill her. He absolutely hates confrontations and K is the master manipulator, crying, to get sympathy so my parents will back off. My dad grew up with an alcoholic father and thinks that alcoholism is a matter of willpower and doesn’t see it as a disease. My mother is the same way and refuses to see her enabling behavior. My mom believes that K is not taking any prescription meds, alcohol, etc now that "she's pregnant" because she's given my mom all her "pill bottles." The rest of the family knows that she is still abusing medication and probably alcohol, if she doesn't have one, she'll use what she can get. This is ultimately going to harm the health of the unborn child.

They have both put M in a very troubling situation by allowing K to tear M's emotions apart, see her when she wants, even though my siblings and I have urged my parents to only allow K supervised visitation with M. M is now 10 years old and is stressed, depressed, confused.

Is there any advice you could provide me with to try and get my parents on board and help them to see their enabling ways. They seem to think forgiveness is allowing someone to walk all over them. Any advice would be most appreciated. My apologies for the length of this question, I am at the end of my rope here. Thank you.

teke

hi agust, i feel your pain and i do agree with you about the safety of your niece. i don't know what you can do to help your parents understand. maybe you will have to except the fact that they have not had enough yet. as far as the child, maybe you can contact cps, but that may mean that the child could end up in state custody unless there is a family member who is willing to step in and take care of her.

i can see how much she is being effected and i pray that if there is a way, that you and the rest of your family can somehow save the child. i'll keep all of you in my prayers.

outtolunch

Might it be your own obsession with something you have absolutely no control over? ( Been there and done that, too)

K is doing what addicts do. Your parents will likely enable her into the grave.

Maybe CPS will help. Maybe not. Would this child be better in foster care? Do you have the inclination /ability to care for her?

bluebelle

My mother has BPD & she is a drug user--my grandparents have enabled her forever. Take it from experience--your parents are going to do what they want to, and you can't change them. The only thing you can do is to work on your own sanity and controlling the things you can change. How much time do you get to spend with your niece? I would think that any positive time would be a big plus. She can have somebody to look up to and you can be a role model for her.

texanlymie

The two counselors that I've talked to do not think it would be a good idea to move my niece, 10 years old, out of the only home she's ever known. But I do spend as much time as possible with her and try to get her to come spend weekends with me. I am enrolling her in the Betty Ford Clinic Kids Workshop in the next month so that will be really good for her.

I talked with a second interventionst (#2) last week who is the same age as my parents, 65. She's been doing intervention work for 30 years. Am contemplating having her speak to my parents but have no idea if it will work. I think someone closer to their age/generation could relate better, but then again who knows. Also there is a recovering addict who is on the staff at at local rehab center that interventionist #1 suggested I have my parents speak with. But interventionist #2 said that would not be a good idea as my parents would see the recovering addict as just a "street addict" when my sister's never been on the streets. Well of course not, my parents would never allow her to be, ha!

My brother, sister, cousin and I met over the weekend and have come to the conclusion that all we can do at this point is work as a group when my parents are around i.e. invite them over for our family's monthly game night this upcoming weekend, have our games etc then ask them to watch a short dvd on addiction.

Thoughts? Suggestions? My brother has never approached my parents on my sister's addiction so I don't know how they would feel about him talking to them. I do know they have alot of respect for him so it could help.

texanlymie

Bluebelle I am curious about your mom's BPD. Does she lie alot I guess it would be considered compulsive lying? If so, does she lie about silly things, such as insisting the sky is green or other color other than blue? Also what about her relationships with men? Lots of men or does she typically stick with a relationship?

Envelope

They say you cant choose your family...and that is just that!! There is a hectic circle that has been repeated and until that is stopped and the root of this is identified and ownership is taken then will it help the next generation from repeating this again and again and again...

The root of this is partially your parents fault and their own admission. They are allowing your sister to behave like this AND the excuses made or the spoiling she gets gives her NO accountability!! The fact that your mother was happy to give a drug test on her bahalf is ridiculous!!!!!!!!!!

No-one is setting boundries and she is getting away from it!! Ok your folks are not young and probably old school in their ways so it might be difficult to convince them. I think by showing them what they are doing is not actually helping her. This is going to hit her square in the face when they are not around one day!! Ask your mom, what will happen to her when they pass away? Do they realise that they are not allowing her to take control and sort it out!! ??

She has not hit rock bottom - its that simple beacause everyone will come to the rescue. You have to seperate emotion out the equation

My parents have enabled her particularly my dad because he does not like confrontation? He will always give in no matter what.

They need to see the truth and take care of her daughter. By setting a good example to her will taech her life skills one day. The whole family need to agree and stick to the plan and not except the minipulation. She is on her own and needs to realise she needs help. She can only decide for herself and only then will she earn the rights to being part of your life, your parents and most of all her daughter!!!!!