change4penny

From my own expeirence, parents will lie and protect their children at all cost, no matter what. They have a tendency to think that they are in some way to blame for their kids mistakes.
I think you should just do you....I don't see your parents changing.

Good luck,

Penny

texanlymie

CURRENT: I am standing on a street corner. People are walking by, going about their daily lives. My niece is also there and is being mauled and attacked by a lion. I scream and yell for someone to help her! Please! Anyone! Help her, help her; I can’t fight this lion off alone. Help her! I’m begging you! Can’t you see what the lion is doing to her? He’s tearing her apart, piece by piece. But sadly, no one comes to her rescue. They continue to turn their head, pretending it’s not happening. If they don’t acknowledge the attack, it’s not real and it’s not happening. So they continue about their daily business. But my niece is still suffering and in pain. This is how badly my sister’s life & family's have spiraled out of control since February of this year:
• Feb 2009 My sister called off wedding to ex fiancée one week prior to wedding. Made up a lie that ex fiancée cheated on her and hit her. She made up her eye with cosmetics to appear she had a black eye, took a photo of herself and send it out to everyone calling it a "beat mark." Sisster moves heroin addict boyfriend into the home she and ex fiancée shared and they take up residence in the guest room. Ex fiancee still living there.
• Feb 2009 Doctor shopping for Xanax. A 2 mg bottle of 30 pills is gone in one week
• Mar 2009 My parents petition the court for primary conservatorship of my 10 year old niece due to my sister's bizarre and disturbing behavior. My sister signs legal documents to avoid having to appear in court.
• Mar 2009 Sister and heroin addict move into apartment together. My parents allow my niece to spend a night at the apartment; heroin addict is loaded, loudly cursing at the computer while he's online playing a gambling game. He stumbles across the living room and passes out on the sofa. Later he stumbles into the bedroom. His children are there too. My sister leaves my niece alone on the sofa all night. She is terrified and stays awake all night watching T.V.
• Mar 2009 Sister gets two very large tattoos on arms. Heroin addict has sleeves of tattos, they cover his neck, legs, calves and torso.
• Mar 2009 Heroin addict shoves computer off desk, sister reaches for phone, boyfriend yanks purse off her arm. Police have him leave for the night.
• Mar 2009 Two weeks later, heroin addict shoves sister up against wall. Police are called and he is taken to jail.
• Mar 2009 My parents move my sister back into their home after they have told her that she could not as they knew it was not in the best interest of my niece, my sister's 10 year old child they are raising. She has a job and child support funds to rent an apartment, yet they say she has nowhere to go. She takes over my niece’s room, sending my niece to sleep in the bedroom with my mother and my father sleeps on the sofa.
• Apr 2009 Sister received 2nd DWI with open container. Heroin addict with her received public intoxication. Both went to jail. Court ordered interlocking device installed on my sister’s car.
• May 2009 My mother discovers an ovulation kit in my sister's bedroom. She admits she's trying to get pregnant so that the family will "accept" the heroin addict boyfriend.
• May 2009 Sister and heroin addict rent a house together, parents move her again. They live in this house about two weeks and sister shoots illegally altered shotgun and knocks her front teeth out. Or could have been boyfriend that knocked them out, we will never know. Parents loan her money and assist her in getting loan to pay for teeth based on their credit.
• Jul 2009 Sister and heroin addict have a physical altercation, my parents move my sister back into their home again, even though my 10 year old niece does not want her mom living there. For the second time, she takes over my niece’s bedroom, with my niece sleeping with my mom and my dad sleeping on the sofa.
• Jul 2009 Sister experiences two to three seizures due to prescription drug withdrawal.
• Aug 2009 Pregnancy confirmed. My mom denies my sister intentionally became pregnant.
• Aug 2009-Present My parents allow my sister to drive my niece and my niece’s friend around in her car even after she's had two to three seizures. They continually state “she’s not on anything, because she’s given us all her pill bottles.”
• Oct 2009 Sister and heroin addict fly to Las Vegas and get married, staying at The Bellagio & spending $2,000.00 (my niece’s child support.)
• Oct 2009 Heroin addict husband moves into my parents home as he was kicked out his parents home for using. He's not allowed around his own children.
• Nov 2009 My sister told my niece that she "found a big needle hole in heroin addicts arm and a knot as big as a golf ball and that he was found in a "crack shack" with his eyes rolled into the back of his head. “ My niece was left alone with the heroin addict’s father while my sister went to look for the addict. This occurred the weekend my parents were out of town. Still, they allowed him to stay in their home
• Nov 2009 My niece begins having stomach issues, unable to eat when she’s hungry
• Nov 2009 My niece is now requiring tutoring at school
• Nov 2009 I see my sister at Thanksgiving for the first time since Mar 2009. The whites of her eyes are very yellow and when I hug her, upper body is very bony. Not normal for someone who is five months pregnant.
• Dec 2009 One week later my sister and the heroin addict are back together
• Dec 2009 My sister contacted our other sister asking if she could go to a scheduled sonogram with her as her heroin addicted husband had left her again. She stated drugs were more important to him that their family.
• Dec 2009 My sister takes my niece to a drug house where the heroin addicted husband is staying. She leaves my niece alone in the car while she goes into the house. When they come back to the car, a conversation takes place between sister and heroin addict about his sharing a pipe in the park with three other guys and "smoking ice."

texanlymie

My niece is constantly being exposed to this disturbing behavior and still my parents think "they are protecting her." The modus operand of this guy is he goes off and does drugs and then gets clean for a week and then back to the drugs. CPS took his two children from a prior marriage and his parents are now raising them. My niece constantly sees my sister loaded/pupils dilated from prescription drugs and she is five months pregnant.
• Nov 2009 My sister and I hire an interventionist. We went to my parent’s home with the interventionist and a minister that works with drug addicted people. When we arrive I take my niece into the restroom and explain that we are here to talk to my parents about her mom and the heroin addict husband. My niece throws her arms around me, hugging me and said “Finally. Thank you, thank you, thank you.” I ask that she go outside to play while we speak to my parents. We begin by trying to break through their denial and reading aloud all the drug related incidents my sister has had, the DWI’s, medications she has stolen from people, legal issues, agonizing things my niece has said about her mom, the husband and the situation; accidents/broken bones my sister has had; ways that my parents have enabled my sister and her behavior. At the intervention my parents are asked if they want to be part of the solution. The interventionist tells them how serious the situation is, how concerned we are and the great possibility that my sister could die, not only from the drugs but from having an accident under the influence of pills. The interventionist explains how traumatic it would be if my niece found her mom dead from an overdose. We give them information about treatment center and tell them that my sister is rapidly declining and needs to go to treatment/rehab. My father states he has always been there for my niece. What he doesn’t realize is the irreversible, emotional and mental damage he is doing to her by allowing two addicts to interact with her on a daily basis. What he doesn’t realize is that 98% of sexual assaults are committed by the mom’s boyfriend/husband. The percentage goes up much higher when someone is under the influence. The minister asks again if my parents want to be part of the solution as we are going to proceed with or without them as we are very concerned for all involved with my sister’s out of control behavior. My dad says yes. We leave their house. My sister has a DWI hearing scheduled 10 days later.
• After four days, we hear nothing from our parents and write the following letter:
Dear Mother & Daddy, Maybe you have tried talking to (sister) about going to treatment, maybe she refused. Unfortunately time is running out. By voluntarily entering treatment prior to her DWI hearings, it will give her a great advantage. Judges are impressed when people go of their own accord. If the judge has to order her to treatment, he will send her to a state hospital versus a nice private treatment center.
If you do not give (sister) an ultimatum of going into treatment at an inpatient treatment center by Monday, December 14, 2009 at 5 p.m. and call us with the facility name and location, we will proceed with the following at 9 a.m. on Tuesday, December 15th, 2009. We will contact Child Protective Services regarding the following:
- (Niece’s) welfare in your home with (sister) abusing pills and (Sister) abusing pills while pregnant
Social Services will investigate and (niece) or (sister) or both of them will very likely be removed from your home in a short period of time. (Sister) is a danger on the roadways. Not only could she kill herself or (niece), but she could kill an innocent family-a mother, a father, a baby.
If she refuses to go to treatment, we can get a court order where they will take her to a hospital to be evaluated and forced into a treatment center. If we do not hear from you by Monday, in addition to contacting Child Protective Services we will no longer spend time with you, talk with you by phone or celebrate holidays, birthday or vacations with you in any way. Our only contact will continue with (niece).
We love you and will miss you terribly but we refuse to stand by and watch you allow (sister) to continue on this path of destruction, danger and potential death to herself, (niece), the unborn child and innocent people on the roadways.
With deepest concern for our family, and we signed the letter.
We received no response from my parents. The following week rolled around and my sister went to her DWI court hearing. Due to someone contacting the District Attorney’s office, the judge placed a device (SCRAM) on her ankle that monitors alcohol and also weekly drug testing until the baby is born in April 2010. In addition she is to attend an outpatient treatment program that starts next month and lasts about a year. Typically the fee associated with the SCRAM device/drug testing is $500.00 per month, but the court is picking up the tab for my sister as she said she could not afford it. Yet my sister called our parents and said she had to pay $400.00 per month for this device. My father called my other sister and asked if she had contacted the D.A., she said no. He asked if I had contacted the D.A., she said she knew that I had talked to them earlier in the year. My sister said she thought perhaps the Interventionist had contacted the D.A. My father then said “did you know that’s all the money she has left over to pay her insurance? That's enough to make someone want to commit suicide.” My sister told him we had offered my sister a treatment facility to go to FREE OF CHARGE, yet she chose not to go. My father responded “she’s not on anything.” My sister told him she was married to an alcoholic for 20 years and that he could start and stop when he wanted and so could our sister. She told him that our sister knew the court date was coming up and had stopped in time to avoid detection. My father then hung up on her.
Later that evening, my niece called me and asked if I had called the court and asked that they give her mom a hard time. She said they made her mom wear an ankle bracelet that would cost her $400.00 per month. I told her no.
The following day, I emailed the D.A. and received confirmation that in fact, my sister was not paying the $400.00 fee per month but that the county was picking up the tab. Yet, my sister lied to my parents and they have believed her over my sister and me.
I sent my niece a letter in the mail that read: "After you called me last night and said your mom had to pay $400 per month for an ankle bracelet, I emailed the district attorneys office. They told me that your mom is not having to pay the $400 per month. The county is paying this fee for your mom. I don't want you to worry about this anymore, espcially right before the holidays. I want you to have a great holiday. With this letter I attached the email from the District Attorney's office that read:
"It is the taxpayers of the county, not your sister, who is footing the cost of her SCRM devise and weekly urine tests, at a price tag of over $500 per month. The only reason I agreed to foot the bill is because she said there was no way she could pay for it., then I believed that it was more beneficial for her than sitting in jail. If that is not the case, I will happily have the judge amend the order requiring her to pay for it or placing her in jail. If needed you should be able to get a copy of signed order through an open records request with the clerk's office."
My mother excused my sister's lie of having to pay $400 per month as a "misunderstanding." I told my niece there was no misunderstanding, that her mother was told in court, in front of the judge that she would not have to pay the fee.
My mother is now using my niece as a tool and will not allow us to see her. My niece said her mother was not going to allow her to see myself or my other sister. My parents have managing conservatorship so my sister does not call the shots, yet my mother is allowing her to. Her appearance alone has dramatically declined in just a year’s time. Yet they continue to turn their backs on the children that have helped them out over the years, the children who have not lied to them, the children that have not used them, and the children that have not abused them.
Yes, I understand that they “think” they are doing the right thing, that they are “helping’ her. But they cannot help her. If they could "help" her, they would have already. It is extremely hurtful to my sister and I how my parents shun us in favor of a child who has done absolutely nothing except bring pain, divisiveness, shame, financial burden. Btw, we could not get my brother on board, he like my father avoids all confrontation.
My father grew up with an alcoholic father and my mother was sexually molested by her grandfather and the issue was covered up. I understand that they act out of codependence and how they were taught growing up to “cover it up, don’t let anyone know.” They are destroying my niece’s self esteem and security. She knows that they will choose her mother over her time and time again and put her mother’s needs first. She is a child and cannot defend herself. Her mother is an adult and can fend for herself. My nieces therapist of course cannot tell me what my niece tells her, but...she did tell me that she has a strong hunch my niece has seen the heroin addict stepfather using.
We are all hurting. They do not see this our hurt, my mom even stated how could we be affected by this since we don't live in the same house as they do. They only see my sister. Why do my niece, sister and I have so little value to my parents?

SistersHelp

Hi texanlymie,
I'm so sorry to hear of all the trouble you and your family are going through right now, and believe me when I say I've been right there with you in terms of experiencing anger, disgust, frustration and sadness. My sister is also a pain pill addict... oxycontin is her favourite but she takes whatever she can get. She also has Borderline Personality Disorder.

I've also tried to save my sister, pushed her into rehab, taken custody of her daughter, tried to bail her out of various disasters she's gotten herself into and so on...

And now, here's what I've learned:

1. BPD is a very serious mental illness. Many psychologists, I have learned, actually refuse to work with BPD patients because their rate of improvement is so low and their unpredictability makes them so incredibly frustrating to work with.

2. Drug addiction combined with BPD makes it impossible for a person to think rationally or to consider the long term consequences of choices. Living is a moment to moment activity driven entirely by what feels best right this minute. To expect any different is futile.

3. Anger, disgust, frustration and sadness are all wasted. Directing negative energy at the BPD addict accomplishes nothing. Directing it at yourself and loved ones is harmful to all of you.

4. All that talk about detaching with love is true. I resisted it at first. I wanted to believe I was righteous in my anger and my desire to help. I was wasting my energy, I was becoming more and more stressed out, and I was not improving my sister's life.

5. Focus on what you do have control over, yourself, your life. For me this is about being a good parent to my niece, a good wife to my husband, a good teacher to my students, and most of all a good carer to myself.


Sending you all good wishes and warm thoughts for inner peace and calm. I know it's hard... but try try try to redirect your energy to where it can be positive for you and your loved ones. It makes a world of difference.

Lisa

endofmyrope

Dear texanlymie, your story sounds like mine with my sister. I am also 47 and my sis is 45. She had been an addict since 15. Started shooting up and has done them all. The last drug was crack. Finally after all the prayers she is now drug free and a christian. She was like your sister and I felt the same way. She kept the drama flowing in this family all those years. She had 2 children 1 my mom raised and the other she signed over to the grandparents. My mom enabled her all those years even to the point of leaving my dad b/c he wanted to kick her to the curb. Even tho for years she was in and out of rehabs but never stayed more than a day or 2. She was in prison twice, come out clean stay that way for 2 or 3 months then she would up and leave for the dope all the while saying all she wanted was to be with her family, but she chose the family she wanted. Any way my advice to you is, go to court and get the child, second keep away from sister an parents as they are all codependent and they all will have to hit rock bottom before they can see what they are doing. Just separate yourself from them all and just pray for them. There is NOTHING you can do for your sister or your parents I know from experience. But you can save this child from all of them. Your parents are as bad as your sister. It will be hard but you have to do it and you have to save this child from all of them. I have no doubt that a judge will give you custody of your sisters child. As for the one shes carrying...hopefully she will have sense enough to put the baby up for adoption. Somehow you have to convince her of that unless you want that baby to. Then just do not have any contact with parents or sister. You don't deserve to be treated this way and you need peace and happiness and the only way you will get it is to cut them off and pray for them. I will pray that God give you strength and heal your family, but now you need to take care of yourself. I also agree that you need to continue the meetings, maybe they will help.
Good Luck and God Bless

texanlymie

I have not yet contacted CPS, am waiting until my appointment with the attorney week after next. What I would like to happen is for my niece to stay in the only home she's ever known. I would like for them to remove the mother from the home, make her live elsewhere - I don't care where, homeless shelter for all I care. Enforce supervised visitation with the mother and my niece and have my parents attend codependency therapy. I've kept in touch with my niece's therapist and although she can't share what my niece says, she give me her opinion. She does not think the mother should be in the home. Period. She does not think my niece should be exposed to the heroin addict stepfather. Period. She thinks my parents are putting her in a very dangerous situation and that she needs to be my parents priority and she's not. So for that, I'm having CPS step in. I just know something is going to happen, something bad and it will likely be my niece that it happens to if we don't have CPS investigate.

Thank you for the response, I'm starting Alanon. I have disconnected from my sister. I don't respond to her text messages, the only method she uses to communicate with people that she can no longer manipulate.

endofmyrope

I hope all works out for you. It just doesnt seem fair that when someone we love has a addiction it effects the whole family. Take Care!