cessy68

I'm exhasperated. I'm tired. I'm sad and angry. I am sick of 'trying' to live with an addict... probably because I see it getting worse, and it is affecting me.

I don't want to let go. I don't want to give up. I struggle daily with 'what to do' vs. 'what I hope for'. I'm filled with terror that the day I say goodbye, that he will turn around, and I won't be able to trust again. After all, I don't trust now- too many broken promises.

I've swallowed my pride, in the name of 'love'. I know when you talk across this screen, you shake your heads at me, the way I shake my head at myself- thinking "cessy, is this what you call love?"

A tiny little pill has consumed his life. And after 2yrs of batteling the demon, along side of him, I see it spiraling out of control. Everyday he claims he's going to call a DR. or quit, or go to a meeting- then he gets the pills- and he's 'good' again.... for a while.

He talked to me the other night about that very subject. He agreed with me, that once he gets his little hands on the pills... he suddenly dosen't need/want to call the doctor, or get help.

However, this weekend, I realized he is getting worse. His hand held that cell phone, like it was gold, waiting for his 'fix'. (according to him, waiting on a guy that he does business with, to complete his books for the week.) yep another lie.

I know it. He knows it. He knows I know it, but that I have choosen to give up the battle of telling him I KNOW!

I wanted to go to the beach this weekend with him, he begged me to go. I found every excuse in the book, to avoid going- because I was afraid that he might not have enough pills to keep him 'happy' and with my anxiety about travel, I was scared that he would not be supportive- or even worse, that he would be comming down and get 'angry' with my anxiety,(which would make the travel far worse.) Just in September, we took a long trip- and I never worried about such. However, that goes to show, just how much his illness has progressed.

He has only been back two weeks. Now what? Do I tell him to leave AGAIN?
At what point am I an A****** in this whole equation? How dare I ask him to exit my life again, when I just let him back in two weeks ago? Am I supposed to suffer now, (by neglecting my feelings) and allow him to stay?

I wish you all knew this man. I wish you knew him before addiction- the way I did. I wish you knew what keeps me hanging on. I'm crying my eyes out typing on a computer, becasue I know I sound like a complete wuss of a woman. It's a disgrace.

I try to live my own existance, and let his addiction be a side note of our relationship that I 'ignore'. It dosen't work. It rears it's ugly head, everyday. Even today, when I got out of going to the beach- but then was subject to watching him dial that cell phone, in between constant naps.

He continues to globalize his thinking, That he "ALWAYS" has to work, that he "NEVER" gets to relax. that he "CAN'T EVER" catch a break from things 'going wrong'. Well, welcome to life, I'd like to say to him...... but I don't.

I feel like a deaf mute in my own home. I feel like I'm taking care of a 4th child. I vacillate between loving a man, (that I know exists somewhere deep inside) to resenting the heck out of a person who is wasteing his life away, over pain pills.

Please, please, please, If anyone has ever been here... If anyone knows at all what I'm doing, and can offer any insight over what the heck I should do, please, please help me.

I am soo sorry that this is long. I needed to get it out.

Love,
Cess:sorry

bluejay6

Cessy, please forgive yourself. It is impossible to be rational and consistent when we are with an addict because we never know when the wind is going to change, when the mood is going to change, whether we will be loved or hated in the next ten minutes, what we can do to make him happy, what we did to make him so mad, why we are so depressed and anxious and nauseous, and most of all: why we feel like such failures.

It is so ironic to me every time that it is the partner of the addict--not the addict--who takes on the feelings of failure and shame and despair. What a cunning disease it is: it infects the people who love the addict with the very emotions the addict himself should be feeling but is too high to feel at all.

More people will respond here for you and will give you good feedback to help you get your mind straight.

But for now I just want to tell you you are not crazy, you are not worthless, you are not disposable, and you have not earned in any way the pain you are suffering. You are in a relationship with an addict, and pain is the outcome of that for every person.

But it is a web you are in, for sure, and you are feeling more and more trapped in reacting to him, to what he might do or say, and you are probably terrified you will lose him forever and because you love him, you can't bear that thought. At least, that's how it was with me and the man I loved. So you can't let go yet. And it is making you emotionally very ill.

Just keep posting here and talking to people. They can walk you through it. Don't isolate. That's what can take you down.

I hope tomorrow is a better day for you, Cessy. God bless.

laurie6781

Cessy you are holding on to a 'dream' that was gone a long time ago.

Even if this man gave up his DOC tomorrow, you will never see the person you thought he was those years ago. If he stick with recovery in time (sometimes years) you will start to see a different human being.

Now, I have come to look at it this way, his addiction is progressing and dragging him down. Do you want to be dragged down with him?

Or would you not rather find a peaceful and serene life for yourself. Sometime in the future should he find recovery, acquire some long term recovery, and y'all are suppose to be together you will get back together.

As it stands now, you are in H*ll.

We can only tell you how we walked away, how we went No Contact, how it hurt but we got through it.

When your FEAR of staying becomes greater than your FEAR of leaving is when you will take action.

I will say some prayers for you and yours that you 'awakening' comes soon for your peace and serenity and your health.

Love and hugs,

Seren

Cessy....:ghug2
Please don't beat yourself up. I completely agree with Laurie, you will leave when it is harder to stay than it is to leave. It is clear you are in pain right now. How much more pain would you be in if you left? It always hurts to leave someone we love, but if we are to survive with our sanity and peace intact, that is what it sometimes takes.

Remember what so many others here have said: "An enabled addict will not change because he/she has not reason to change."

Huge hugs and prayers to you, Cessy! :ghug3
HG

imallright

Cessy.... baby steps. You will figure out when you are supposed to. Be strong and do what is right for you... even if it seems scarey. You will know. You might be afraid... I was... but after I made the decision and stuck to it I also felt relieved.

It is sooo sad. It's because we know what we fell in love with someone this person is not now and we can't get it back. Ever IMO. Drugs change people. Doesn't mean people can't change... just that it is sooo hard for those of us impacted or at least for me to ever trust again. I can't play the "is he or isn't he?" super slueth game anymore. Hang in there honey... be kind to you.

winnie12

cessy - i dont think you've hit bottom with this man yet but you will. have you ever considered a seperation instead of just ending it. he leaves until he has his life back in control and is in serious recovery? that way you dont feel like your completely ending it and it will give you and him time to determine if sobriety is even possible.

Freedom1990

I think a lot of us understand about hanging on far too long.

That man you knew, pre-addiction, is gone.

Even if by some miracle he were to get clean, he would still never ever ever be that man again.

I lived in fantasy thinking for so long with my EXAH. I had one foot in the past, reminiscing and wanting back the 'good old days', and one in the future, thinking somehow it would all work out. I never lived in the moment and accepted things for exactly as they were.

That created a tremendous amount of pain for me, years worth of pain.

You are now seeing not only the progression of the disease in him, but also with you because your 'fix' is no longer working for you, yet you continue to cling to the relationship.

Pain was my greatest motivator. In my opinion, you're just not in enough pain yet.

outtolunch

If he were to get arrested later today and sent to jail or long-term court ordered rehab, how would your life change? Could you afford your financial obligations, without his contributions?

Perhaps you need to put yourself into a better position to be able to sustain yourself without his financial support so that when it hits the fan (and it will) you and your kids will be OK.

bluebelle

I know how you feel. However, he is not that man. I felt the same way about my ABF. I felt that if he'd just stop taking the pills, everything would be "back the way it was." It is not that easy. He has serious recovery work to do. While he is recovering, he is very moody. He struggles with depression at some moments, and feels so much better in other moments. He struggles with trying to get things done--since in the past, he used the pills to help him accomplish things. He is used to having something to "fix" him.

breakingfree88

Cessy- My heart goes out to you. Thank you for so eloquently describing the emotions and feelings that so many of us on SR have experienced. I can relate to you when you wish that we could have known your addict before he got so sick. You know the man behind/underneath the drugs and it is SO painful to see them disappear and all the while punishing ourselves for staying/not staying/yelling/staying silent/throwing him on a guilt trip/calling/turning off our phones/we could all go on forever.
I don't have much "advice" for you per say, only because I am experiencing a situation very similar to yours right now. However I do want you to know that we'll make it through this together. Your man's only chance at LIFE may be for you to leave him to face his REALITY. When we worry more about their addiction than they do (your beach trip) its a scary wakeup call that our focus is too much on them.
Be gentle with yourself. Take baby steps. Read self-help literature. And things will get better, if you want them to.

cessy68

Couldn't have said it better myself....... the process. we all go through it, just at different speeds.

I pray alot now.... for us all.

thankyou and everyone for all your time. If you ever want to chat feel free to pm me.

THANKYOU EVERYONE !!!!!!!!
Love,
Cess:praying

Suspicious

I think that is what I am waiting for. Thanks for putting it into words for me.

MsPINKAcres

Cessy,

I do know that "man" before the addiction took over his life -well shall I say I know of one like him.

Many of you know my story - I lived with the active disease for 10 plus yrs - then my Ah went to treatment, got in a program and GOT BUSY GETTING BETTER - He had it - it was true - not only I saw it but so many others did too.
He was clean, sober and spiritually maturing for almost 3 yrs - was it perfect between us - no but it was a recovery marriage - he working his program and I working mine.

But the disease is constantly calling and he was unable to stay firm in his recovery - he relapsed and relapsed HARD.

After another 3 yrs of living with active addiction - I realized that "recovery man" was probably never coming back and I had to take care of Recovery ME. So when my HP showed me the way, I found the strength, courage and wisdom to leave and start my new life.

It hasn't been easy - but I'm free from active addiction. AND to be free from that constant fear - is worth any minor issue or delimias.

I know you miss that pre-addict man - I use to miss that recovery husband. I have done the grief work and mourned the death of that man. At this point in time - I do not believe any of us will ever see that part of him ever again. The disease has taken him so far downward - I am afraid he is gone forever. So I grieved, cried and mourned that loss. Some days it still pricks at my heart - usually for my girls and grandchildren.

It is a process - that doesn't usually happen overnite - Follow your God's leading - ask your HP for guidance, strength, courage and wisdom for what is YOUR Next Right Thing.

You will find you are a very strong and brave woman. You wouldn't be where you are if you weren't.

HUGS and praying for God's very Best for YOU!!!
Rita

liesagain

I wish you all knew this man. I wish you knew him before addiction- the way I did. I wish you knew what keeps me hanging on. I'm crying my eyes out typing on a computer, becasue I know I sound like a complete wuss of a woman. It's a disgrace.

oh Cessy, I do know the man he was before the addiction..........many of us do and its the hope of the return of that man that keeps so many of us hanging on.
And after hanging on for so long we begin to feel that disgrace.because somewhere along the way we cross lines within ourselves that we never dreamed we would cross and we begin to accept a life we never dreamed we'd live.

Its a family disease and along the way, without changes and without help we can lose ourselves.

Serenity Bound

Cess :ghug3

Chris

Tryingtobefree

Cessy - you are not alone in the way you feel. Althought mine is an A much of what you say is similar to my situation.

We do all get to where we need to be at our own pace. Even two days ago while mine was bingeing I still had so much hope that he could find his way out of this and start living the life we've talked about for so long. I think what has kept me here for so long is hope. I see the man he is without the alcohol and he is amazing. We really could have a fantastic life together.

But something in me finally surrendered Tuesday night. There was nothing unusual about the day or the situation but I called my family (who are aware of the situation) and said I need to leave. They will be here tomorrow to take my things back to my home state and I have another place to stay until I leave my job in two weeks.

It still seems surreal and it hurts unbelieveably but something in me finally accepted that the only person who can change this situation is him.

brokenrockstar

I'm still in love with this man too. (((((((((hugs)))))))

Freedom1990

"Let go or be dragged." Isn't it Passion who has that in her signature?

To be honest, it's getting painful for me to watch you getting drug so I'm just going to keep you on my prayer list, and bow out of your threads.

:ghug :ghug :ghug

Angelic17

Let Go or Be Dragged are some of the most important words I have ever heard regarding my sons addiction. I had to let go, otherwise I wasn't going to make it. I didn't eat, or sleep, or work, or play. I did nothing but cry, pray, and plead. Not only with my addict son, but with GOD. I very recently had to let go. It was tough, but it had to be done. I know it's hard, but addiction is a life long struggle. Do you have the strength to keep doing this, year after year? I don't.

splendra

Some of us do have a very high tolerance for pain and BS. It depends on how much farther you think you want to or can go with it. For me I just knew I could not go on with the BS or pain one more moment. I totally don't want to look back.