jka

Hi,
I am brand new to this. I am struggling with "not enabling" my husband. I have recently started going to Al-Anon meetings and am reading tons of literature. My husband does not think he has a drinking problem. He as a female "friend" that he continues to drink with. I drew the line last week after finding them in bars together. I know their relationship is based on drinking, but I can't live with that. I told him to leave. I still want it to work, but I have to take care of myself. I know I shouldn't contact him as that would be enabling, right? Please.... someone tell me why I shouldn't contact him. I have no intention of letting him come back right now. I want him to hit bottom.... don't know if I have the strength to allow it.

I know... but I need help.
Thank you.

Live

Welcome,

I am sorry for the pain you are going through.....but congratulations on standing up for yourself and your dignity.
Weekends are a bit slow but others wiser will be along soon.

I doubt there would be much good come from contacting him now.
I always end up feeling disappointed and sad and worse than whatever impelled me to contact.

jka

Thank you. It is sooo hard. I have these moments of weakness. My head tells me one thing, but my heart another.

Live

yes, I know it is heartbreaking.

I am recently divorced. I care very much how my x is. But he thinks I am the enemy.

My counselor last week told me not to contact him.
Still when the VA called about a medical appmt and said they could not reach him....I sent him an email.
I was hoping for a response...a thanks and something about his health.
He did not respond.
I need to let it go!
It sure doesn't do anythiing good for my peace of mind!

krhea75

Ideally, it puts us in a place of vulnerability to contact the addict. I have had the same trouble with my son. I long to see him, but when I do it just explodes or spirals, one or the other. So it is best for me to not call. But sometimes, I just have to hear his voice and see his face. Do the best you can do. Just know that if you contact him, you are opening yourself up. Be strong.
krhea

jka

Thank you

laurie6781

Well, first let me say WELCOME, you have found a great place with lots of ES&H.

Sweetie, it is not a matter of you 'allowing' him to hit his bottom, have no fear, he will eventually, even if his 'bottom' is the grave.

It is more a matter of you NOT ALLOWING YOURSELF to be sucked down with him.

Yes, No Contact is hard. Try and keep at the front of your brain, the 'reason' you had him leave.

And should you hear from him, just remember, anytime he says anything to picture the Big White AFLAC Duck and hear QUACKING. Because that is what he will be doing to get back into his nice 'cushy' existence that was. Please let his ACTIONS over a long period of time be your guide.

Maybe try some AlAnon meetings, at least 6. The program of AlAnon can help an individual a lot to improve ourselves, set our boundaries, stick with our boundaries.

His recovery is on him. You seem to know that.

Something else to consider, by contacting him you may be prolonging his inevitable bottom.

Please keep posting and let us know howYOU ae doing as we do care very much.

Love and hugs,

hello-kitty

When all else fails, stick with the plan jka. It's hard to follow through but you are doing the right thing. It gets easier.