onlyliveonce

Got paid yesterday, in jail today, I married and IDIOT!!!!

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Hi everyone-

My alcoholic crack addicted husband is still going at it. We do not live together, he lives in his van and had gotten a job at a truckstop so he got paid yesterday and we all know what that means. He is in jail right now for reckless driving (probably swallowed what he had on him) when he was pulled. His van/home was towed from the exact location where he buys crack. In his booking pic he looks terrible!! I went to go pick up money yesterday from him and he said he had forgotten I was coming and he would bring it to me today. I know better that's why I try to get mine on the exact day he gets paid cause if not I don't get it. SOmething is always more important than paying me the money he owes me back or child support. My $50 went in his crack pipe and to him I say F you!!!!!
He's called my job a couple of times but I haven't answered. There is nothing I can do for him at this point. He is really far gone in the mind to think I would help him after all he's put me through in the last 18 yrs. Has he totally lost his freakin' mind? He will now probably lose this job he's had for about 3-4 weeks. Why did I have to marry such a **** up? I will be so glad when I can get divorced from him!!!
I just sometimes have a hard time just handing it all over to god and letting him do his will like today. Nobody knows this but I called and found out where his van was towed from, where it was towed to and have also talked to the jail. He has to come up with $45 and a bondsman or pay the fine straight out which is $445. I can guarantee you that he probably dosen't have .45 cents on him. When he's smoking crack he can't and won't stop until all resources are used up. I am trying to make a decision about going over to the place that towed the van and get his personal belongings out of it for him. I talked to the towing guy and he said I could do that. He'll probably lose the van cause it's $125 for the towing and $25 storage fee a day after that so needless to say he's probably lost his home and transportation. I don't know if I want to go get his personal belongings and hold on to them until he gets out or just let him lose all his personal stuff. Still pondering that and wanted you guys advice on the subject.
I now save all his booking photos so one day I can show him the progression of his alcoholism and drug addiction. We have a 14 yr. old son who dosen't care whether dad is around or not. He knows what the deal is with dad and dosen't expect much from him. Wouldn't do any good if he did expect something from him, he wouldn't get it.
I'm getting better everyday by letting him live his life and deal with his choices. I went to bed last night, said a prayer for him, and slept like a baby. In the old days I would have been up all night worrying about him. Yea!!!!
I ahve been married to him since we were 18 and we are now 36 and it's just gotten worse. Our son has a rare eye disease and in a couple of weeks I'm taking him out of town to have a cataract removed from his eye so pleasase everyone keep him in your prayers that all goes well for him in the surgery. So I already have my plate full much less not dealing with my ADAH. He really dosen't surprise me anymore with the things he does I just feel bad like right now when I have no reason to feel bad. WHy do i feel sorry for him when he's the one that did it? I was home in my bed and had nothing to do with it. Ok I'm going to quit rambling and hopefully get some feedback on this. Any advise is welcome and appreciated. I feel like i need one of these right now

Hessie

MyJoey

Wow! You sure do have a full plate. I am sorry you have to deal with all this, it is really hard when a loved one is an addict. Sounds like you know the deal well and good for you on letting him sit in jail. I know it is hard to do and even when we know it's not our fault, it still hurts and we still feel bad for them. I think picking his personal belongings up is your choice, I don't think it will help or hurt at this point. I feel bad for your son, that he has to deal with all this. I will say a prayer that everything works out with his surgery. My addict is my son who is 17, but I am lucky to have his father to lean on and support me when things get tough. I hope your husband hits his bottom soon and gives you some peace. (((hugs)))

Serenity Bound

[quote]
I don't know if I want to go get his personal belongings and hold on to them until he gets out or just let him lose all his personal stuff. Still pondering that and wanted you guys advice on the subject.[quote]

unless you can use or sell any of that personal stuff, IMO I'd leave it right where it is.
Excellent way to handle it, taking care of yourself.

Will keep your son & his surgery in my prayers.
Hugs,
Chris

Freedom1990

My take on his personal stuff? Leave it. You don't owe him a thing. He's the one that landed himself in jail, so he can deal with the consequences.


I will certainly keep your son in my prayers here, and please let us know how the surgery goes, okay? :ghug :ghug

outtolunch

Our tendencies to want to control other people are so darn hard to break.

His addiction is the cause of his consequences, regardless of what you do, or not. Why not let him figure out what to do, when he loses his stuff.

As for the booking photos....that too sounds like you think that's going to make a difference.

You did not cause this. You cannot control this. And you cannot cure this.
Addiction is a beast. Only those posessed by it, have the power to beat it, when they have had enough.

Prayers for you and your son.

kj3880

I say, you need to get some distance from this person. Fifty dollars isn't enough money, IMO, to risk your peace and serenity. You also need Alanon or Naranon meetings to learn to detach. Stay away from jail. Don't bail, don't pick up his stuff. Let him hit bottom by letting him feel all the consequences of his actions. That's the most help you can be to an active alcoholic or addict. And try not to rant and rave to your son about it if you can help it.

It is possible to raise good, healthy kids by yourself. I do. And it is possible to be quite happy on your own and to meet your own needs financially. I do that as well. Get to work on your own recovery from codependence and soon you won't waste time and energy on him any more. Blessed relief!

Love,
KJ

onlyliveonce

I don't tell our son when he's in jail or when he's messed up again. If it can't be avoided I'll tell him but I don't go home and offer the information up to him. He knows what his dad does and dosen't need all the details. I've always said that one day he will make his own decision about his dad and I've left it at that. If son asks I tell him your dad is making bad decisions and leave it at that but he never really asks. Son is not stupid and knows more than he lets on to.

kj3880

I'm not suggesting to withold the truth from him. I don't do that either. I just don't spend time criticizing his dad in front of him. Even if they don't say it to us, it hurts children when they hear their parents (however wrong) criticized. Even if they participate it makes them feel bad about themselves. It's hard not to do it, for me at least. There are a lot of bad things that I could say about their dad. But I try not to.

Love,
KJ

rose

Hessie,
Your situation sounds so much like what mine was. I never ever counted on a dime from my husband, should he ever had any money he had crack, when he had crack there was sure no money left. We have two sons together, they were 12 and 14 when this all started, they were so so angry at their dad, would have nothing to do with him. I could not hide what was going on, his character was not any longer the one of their dad. My oldest son is now 20 and he did decide he would see him just before Xmas. I didn't ask any questions, I felt that if he wanted to talk about it he would. So I don't really know if he was content with the way his dad was or disappointed.

As for your husbands belongings, I would not make a big effort to go and get them. Only because I can't tell you how manytimes I retreaved my husbands belongings and he just ended up loosing it all anyway. It really didn't seem to bother him that he had nothing left he just stole what he needed....just like there was nothing to it.

I remember so well the sleepless nights worrying about him and you are right it does stop, I guess you just worry out or you just come to terms what is going to happen is going to happen.

When my husband was arrested I was just sick for him, the arresting officer came to my house to tell me what had all gone on, before, juring and after the arrest. I was so shook up and worried for my husband all I kept asking the officer was my husband ok, was he scared. The officer tried to explain to me, addicts thoughts are different....I just could not get it. I got it though after I make a trip to the jail for a visit, the ridiculous things that came out of his mouth, his crap of an attitude, thank god there was glass between us...I could have just punched him. I could not leave I was locked in there across from him for an hour...now I knew what that officer was telling me...he does not think right...my fear of him being afraid went out the window and you are where you should be Mister! Guess he really didn't mind it in Jail, he was in and out several times and sometimes for months at a time.

We did divorce last year after 5 years of this rollercoaster ride (we had been married for 23years) He was in jail when we divorced. I had many many tough-times, money, bills, dealing with 2 teen boys...my sanity!

A year ago January I got my divorce, I bought myself a small house, a knewer vehicle and went to Mexico with a group of friends, both of my boys have jobs and one goes to trades school as well...We Survived, he was welcome on our Journey but choose his own!

Rose

Latte

Being empathetic towards the things that are happening to him is not a bad thing, but it seems that you are doing well at dealing with those feelings. It is okay to feel that way, but don't let it take over your life.

I wouldn't go get his things either.

Muf

I'm so sorry you haft to go through this,I have been there with my 2 sons,it tog me a while to let go,my first son cleaned up first.
It was not untill I let go of my youngest son,he fell right to the his lowest point,he seen the light,he was near death ended up in the Hospital,he called me and told me he was ready to live Hunters mom and clean up.
he was on Crack for 10 years he started at 26.
He called the recovery House and asked if he could come back,he had been there 4 times already.
I think letting go was the worst thing I ever had to do,I was in fear all the time,he was out there dealing and i had his son,since he was born
I had to learn to try to face him death,in cousling,I could not do it but I learned to never enable again.He had hit his bottom and now have 17 month clean and sober.
I know now we haft to face letting go complety,let them lose everything and more,now he haft to fight his way back to life,we still don't help him he did it on his own
Muf