cynder

I have been lurking on this forum for months now and finally decided to post. I feel like I'm to the point of really need some outside support now that I have finally ended the relationship with a meth user for the 10th time this year and it was peaceful this time. I know I have been codependent and have just ordered the Codependent no more online today. So here goes my story. 3 years ago I had been going through a divorce for 8 months and I ran into this guy I had dated 10 years back. He had been clean from meth for 1 year, he was deeply involved with recovery. He was also in church and had helped many people. We started seeing each other and it was like God had sent him back to me. A year passed, then he started changing and as I suspected he was using again. He lost his job and he lost me for a while. He would have episodes of coming to me asking for my help. I would stand by him go with him to the overcomers meetings and to church and it would happen again and again.. Just like the roller coaster ride I have read so much about on here.

Three weeks ago was the last time he was at my house when I asked him to leave. I told him that the relationship was making me crazy and that I was doing it for me, I was tired of feeling like a drug detective(when he would go in the bathroom I'm listening for the bic to flick). He admitted to using and left quietly(not like him at all. Three weeks go by and I am not thinking about him all the time until yesterday. He came to get some of his things and all those feelings and consuming thoughts of him are back. I texted him after he left that I needed to work on me and that he has taught me that I can't fix him. And so he is quacking I guess and saying he been working on fixing him and that he still loves me. He did look like he might have gained a few pounds but he texted that at 230 am this morning and he has to be at work at 6am. So what should I do????No contact? I just want someone to tell me what to do!

imallright

Welcome. I can't tell you what to do, but I can tell you that you are seeing first hand the life with an addict is a roller coaster and that no matter how much you love someone you can't fix him. Take care of you. Be true to you and the rest will follow.

Serenity Bound

Welcome to SR! Sorry I can't tell you what to do. What I can tell you is that living with an addict is the roller coaster ride from h!ll. And I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

Keep posting, keep reading & decide what you want for your life.

cynder

Thanks for the reply. I know that I have to make my on choices but its so hard to stay away from him including just texting. I don't really have alot of close friends and I get so board. I'm 36 and have a 14 year old that is busy with activities and while I am waiting to pick him up or he is playing video games I get so board.

MyJoey

Cynder,

Welcome, You really need to sit back and think about what you want from this relationship. It sounds to me like it's not working for you. Believe me when I tell you, I would love being bored. Life with an addict is far from it. He is not going to change till it hurts so much, (hits bottom) he wants to change. Are you willing to live with him like he is. Are you willing to have your teenager around him? Life moves on with out an addict, you just need to make new friends, find hobbies or hang out with your teen get to know other parents. You are way to young to live your life around an active addict unless you have to. So I say move on to someone that deserves you, someone you can live a real life with.

outtolunch

How would you feel if your 14 year old spent his time texting with an active Meth addict, whenever he became bored?

Impurrfect

((Welcome to SR!!))

I'm a recovering addict and a codie.

Though I won't tell you what to do, either, I can tell you why no contact has worked for me as both an addict AND a codie.

As an addict, having people shut me out did allow me to hit bottom faster. As long as I had someone else to focus on, I didn't have to focus on me. It wasn't until I was left alone, with my addiction and it's consequences that I even truly thought about recovery.

As a codie, it was basically the same thing...as long as I had someone else to focus on, I didn't have to focus on me.

It took me a while to adjust to my life without the chaos of my addiction and my codie behaviors. Life seemed really, really boring. Today, it just seems peaceful and calm, and I am very protective of those feelings.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

cynder

I would die if my 14 year old was texting a meth addict. This addict WAS a recovering addict and when he was with me off and on over the last year was when he was clean and wasn't using, going to meetings. Doing all the things he is supposed to do to stay clean. We would get in a argument and break up over something silly and he would go back to his using crowd. I could write for days about certain things that we have ended up back together. I just keep thinking things will get better back like they were when we were going to church every time the doors were open. He is the one who got me back in church and my son who got saved and baptized. I have always been a giving caring person and see the best in everyone. My son's dad is in prison for crack. He was out on parole for 1 year before having a dirty urine and being sent back. I thought it benefited my son seeing someone that can be a recovering addict. There is a pattern here. I did break this patten for 8 years when I was married to a normal man. Until he cheated with my bf. I wish there was an ala-non or narc-non group in my area but I haven't found one yet.

imallright

Read what you have posted... you are correct, there is a pattern. I am not judging, just wish you all the best and I think you are starting to figure out what that means... keep going.

Seren

Think about what you want....you yourself said that you had experienced a lot of peace of mind and happiness while your addict ex was out of your life for a couple of weeks. How did that feel? Can you imagine your life continuing on in peace? Can you imagine yourself moving forward to a life without suspicion, without accusations, without arguments?

You deserve all of these things....what is your plan to have them?!

Keep reading, keep posting, good luck with your next right thing! Hugs, HG

rose

Cyner,

Nobody can tell you what to do, it has to be your own making. You should have a pretty good understanding of addiction and what to expect if you have been through this before. I really don't think it should be a question in your mind of what you should do....maybe putting your own feelings towards this man away and concentrate on your 14 year old who surely doesn't need another go around with addiction when there is no need for it. It is our job as parents to teach our children a stable life and yes things certainly happen that we have no control over that we have to deal with, but you don't have to deal with this and nor should your son.

Rose

cynder

Thanks for you all of your replies. I'm trying to stay busy and keep my mind off of him. I do pray that he gets better. I hope my book "Codependent No More" gets here soon. This weekend my son and I will be going to stay with my brother and his family out of town. My brother is a great role model.

BBD

Sounds like you know what you want but are unsure of how to get it. Think of your son and what you want for him as he gets older. You never know whats around the next corner but with an addict you can count on many sleepless nights. Take good care of yourself and maybe get some counciling. Thats what saved me and really woke me up...tons of luck hon, Bonnie

In a Tailspin

I'm just gonna throw something out there. I know you haven't yet found an Alanon or Naranon meeting, and I hope you do. But there is saying in those rooms (and on these boards, for that matter) that goes "Take what you like and leave the rest." Can you look at this last relationship that way? Take what you like (the return to church and your son finding a relationship with his God) and leave the rest (his addiction, the lies, the craziness, the anger, the hurt, the wondering he's "really" clean, wondering how long *this* clean time will last............etc, etc, etc)

Can you do that? You don't have to throw the baby out with the bath water. Keep going to church and let him wallow in his own addict ways without you. And find an Alanon meeting near you (or not-so-near if that's how it has to be) and find out what it is in you that leads you to choose addicts............and then fix it!!

Muf

Welcome,I'm sorry for all the mess but the only think I can add,is no contact,that really worked for me
Muf