A Not-so-Nice Easter
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: md
Posts: 3,042
A Not-so-Nice Easter
I am having trouble with my family. Everyone is fighting. My mom has invited my still-using BIL to Easter dinner along with everyone else. I have explained to her time and again that I won't socialize with anyone who is still using drugs anymore. It is part of my recovery.
I'm not angry at her for wanting to have him over, it's her home. I just can't be around it right now. I don't choose that. She has had my youngest sister M. (there are a bunch of us) call me to put pressure on me about it. M. says "you are breaking your mother's heart!" I'm not trying to do that, just trying to protect my own recovery.
It's not like I don't spend time with my mom. I see and talk to her all the time. As long as BIL isn't there, I'm always available. In fact, last weekend, I moved 3 rooms of furniture around for her and my dad. I feel so bad about this. I hate people being mad at me. It will be a cr@p Easter. I think I'll try to go out of town.
KJ
I'm not angry at her for wanting to have him over, it's her home. I just can't be around it right now. I don't choose that. She has had my youngest sister M. (there are a bunch of us) call me to put pressure on me about it. M. says "you are breaking your mother's heart!" I'm not trying to do that, just trying to protect my own recovery.
It's not like I don't spend time with my mom. I see and talk to her all the time. As long as BIL isn't there, I'm always available. In fact, last weekend, I moved 3 rooms of furniture around for her and my dad. I feel so bad about this. I hate people being mad at me. It will be a cr@p Easter. I think I'll try to go out of town.
KJ
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 584
((Hugs)) You have to do what is good for you. You can't please everyone all the time. I know it is hard, you love your family. Maybe the person will leave early and you can stop over in the evening for leftovers. Easter is only a bummer if you mess up your recovery.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Union Mo
Posts: 655
I agree with anvil! You have every day of the year to see mom and dad and other family members. Dont let anyone guilt you into compomising what you want and what is good for you. How happy is it gonna be anyway if your uncomfortable. So what if your not there sunday?
*~10 YEARS BABY~*
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Hollywood
Posts: 9,369
oh gosh, that family stuff......
It was hard for me to learn to
take care of myself over them also.
It was lonely also. But so worth it.
You are the most important one.
I learned from my therapists
I get to choose what I let into my
world (hula hoop) and what I don't.
If you choose not to go to dinner,
end of story.
That is a healthy thing for you,
we get to make healthy choices
for ourselves without anyone
trying to make us feel guilty.
We get to choose how we feel
about our choices.
People who get mad at you because you do not
bend to their demands and do what "they" want?
Think about that......
A healthy relationship isn't really like that, we let
people do what they want to do, and when they
"don't do" what WE want them to do, it's okay.
We don't get mad at them..
You are getting upset because people are getting
mad because they cannot control you anymore.
The healthier you get the more angry some people
may get at you.
That is their issue, not yours.
Let them get angry.
JMO
********{KJ}}}}}}
It was hard for me to learn to
take care of myself over them also.
It was lonely also. But so worth it.
You are the most important one.
I learned from my therapists
I get to choose what I let into my
world (hula hoop) and what I don't.
If you choose not to go to dinner,
end of story.
That is a healthy thing for you,
we get to make healthy choices
for ourselves without anyone
trying to make us feel guilty.
We get to choose how we feel
about our choices.
I hate people being mad at me.
bend to their demands and do what "they" want?
Think about that......
A healthy relationship isn't really like that, we let
people do what they want to do, and when they
"don't do" what WE want them to do, it's okay.
We don't get mad at them..
You are getting upset because people are getting
mad because they cannot control you anymore.
The healthier you get the more angry some people
may get at you.
That is their issue, not yours.
Let them get angry.
JMO
********{KJ}}}}}}
To infinity.....AND BEYOND!
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Kansas
Posts: 132
Originally Posted by Done_With_It 
oh gosh, that family stuff......
It was hard for me to learn to
take care of myself over them also.
It was lonely also. But so worth it.
You are the most important one.
I learned from my therapists
I get to choose what I let into my
world (hula hoop) and what I don't.
If you choose not to go to dinner,
end of story.
That is a healthy thing for you,
we get to make healthy choices
for ourselves without anyone
trying to make us feel guilty.
We get to choose how we feel
about our choices.
People who get mad at you because you do not
bend to their demands and do what "they" want?
Think about that......
A healthy relationship isn't really like that, we let
people do what they want to do, and when they
"don't do" what WE want them to do, it's okay.
We don't get mad at them..
You are getting upset because people are getting
mad because they cannot control you anymore.
The healthier you get the more angry some people
may get at you.
That is their issue, not yours.
Let them get angry.
JMO
********{KJ}}}}}}
It was hard for me to learn to
take care of myself over them also.
It was lonely also. But so worth it.
You are the most important one.
I learned from my therapists
I get to choose what I let into my
world (hula hoop) and what I don't.
If you choose not to go to dinner,
end of story.
That is a healthy thing for you,
we get to make healthy choices
for ourselves without anyone
trying to make us feel guilty.
We get to choose how we feel
about our choices.
People who get mad at you because you do not
bend to their demands and do what "they" want?
Think about that......
A healthy relationship isn't really like that, we let
people do what they want to do, and when they
"don't do" what WE want them to do, it's okay.
We don't get mad at them..
You are getting upset because people are getting
mad because they cannot control you anymore.
The healthier you get the more angry some people
may get at you.
That is their issue, not yours.
Let them get angry.
JMO
********{KJ}}}}}}
I am having trouble with family issues this Easter as well so I feel for ya. Let us know what you decide to do or how it goes.
I may or may not get to face my sexual abuser from when I was a child this Easter so I know confrontation around the holidays is NOT fun.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Home of the Ravens-MD
Posts: 1,316
kj, don't know what part of md your in, but sweetie, your always welcome at my house. I, too, know how guilty relatives (especially italian moms) can make you feel. I tell my best friend "it's that italian mother's guilt" that our moms put on us. Yikes, I had hoped to be rid of it.
Hugs,
Chris
Hugs,
Chris
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Marietta, GA
Posts: 1,453
Wow talk about guilt trip - i dont know but i might put it right back on her. she's making a choice that he and his drug use are more important than your sobriety. might be nice for mom to be supportive of her own daughter. This also sounds like a bit of denial - wanting to have the picture perfect family so much that you just gloss over the rough edges and pretend - as long as everyone is there then she can pretend that its all pretty but you all know that its not pretty. this is just emotional blackmail to get you to fit into her image/illusion of family and if you fall for it you will be manipulated by it forever. might be time to take a stand and show her that her daughter is a grown up and knows whats best for her.
Attitude of Gratitude
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Dayton, Ohio
Posts: 2,305
I personally think that if you already have it in your mind that this is going to be a crappy Easter, you can pretty much guarantee it will be.
I know I would give just about anything to be with my family on Easter this year. This is the first Holiday that my Family and I won't be able to be together. Mom is in the Nursing Home, pretty sick, I am pretty much down with the fractured pelvis and other issues, my Brother and his family are spending most of the day with his dying Father in law . . . My Easter Dinner will either be some McDonalds that my son brings me after work or if I'm really lucky, his StepMom may find the heart to let him make me a plate and bring it over. No,I'm not on the pity pot. . . I have Thursday to look forward to. The Nursing Home is having an Easter Luncheon for the patients and families so my Aunt has already said she would come and get me . . .we can celebrate Easter then with Mom.
I just read Winnie's reply and she sure hit it on the head, sounds like your Mom is trying to create the picture of a perfect family . . . no matter what the underlying truths are. I love my Mom dearly, but she did these same things. Let's keep everything looking nice and pretty and noone will know what's really going on.
If you really want to say to hell with the brother in law and see some of the other family members, it sounds like your Mom has a big enough house that you won't have to sit right next to him. Besides, you don't have to go get high with him. When all of my Cousins, Aunts, Uncles and everyone's spouses get together, there is a lot of drinking and visits outside. The first few years of my Recovery, I didn't go. . . I didn't feel strong enough in my Recovery. But now, when there are these big get togethers that I do want to go and see some of my relatives, I go a little later, and leave earlier. I don't have to hang around until the kegs are empty, the fifths are all gone and the fighting breaks out. I go see who I want, enjoy myself and leave. Why should I let someone else's addiction and issues keep me from seeing who I WANT TO SEE!
We all have choices. You don't have to go, but if you do want to see Mom and others, don't let your brother in law stop you from having a good Easter.
Things will work out just fine.
Judy
I know I would give just about anything to be with my family on Easter this year. This is the first Holiday that my Family and I won't be able to be together. Mom is in the Nursing Home, pretty sick, I am pretty much down with the fractured pelvis and other issues, my Brother and his family are spending most of the day with his dying Father in law . . . My Easter Dinner will either be some McDonalds that my son brings me after work or if I'm really lucky, his StepMom may find the heart to let him make me a plate and bring it over. No,I'm not on the pity pot. . . I have Thursday to look forward to. The Nursing Home is having an Easter Luncheon for the patients and families so my Aunt has already said she would come and get me . . .we can celebrate Easter then with Mom.
I just read Winnie's reply and she sure hit it on the head, sounds like your Mom is trying to create the picture of a perfect family . . . no matter what the underlying truths are. I love my Mom dearly, but she did these same things. Let's keep everything looking nice and pretty and noone will know what's really going on.
If you really want to say to hell with the brother in law and see some of the other family members, it sounds like your Mom has a big enough house that you won't have to sit right next to him. Besides, you don't have to go get high with him. When all of my Cousins, Aunts, Uncles and everyone's spouses get together, there is a lot of drinking and visits outside. The first few years of my Recovery, I didn't go. . . I didn't feel strong enough in my Recovery. But now, when there are these big get togethers that I do want to go and see some of my relatives, I go a little later, and leave earlier. I don't have to hang around until the kegs are empty, the fifths are all gone and the fighting breaks out. I go see who I want, enjoy myself and leave. Why should I let someone else's addiction and issues keep me from seeing who I WANT TO SEE!
We all have choices. You don't have to go, but if you do want to see Mom and others, don't let your brother in law stop you from having a good Easter.
Things will work out just fine.
Judy
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: md
Posts: 3,042
Yeah, I am not backing down on this one. If it were just the drugs, I would probably go and ignore him. But when he's high (all the time), he is verbally abusive, has cursed and screamed at me (on this past Christmas) and my sisters. So I'm just not up for that. My mom tells me that she feels like we should support E, the sister who lives with the addicted man, BIL. I've explained to mom that the more we pretend like he's normal when he comes around high and verbally abuses us, the more we really aren't supporting E. Mom doesn't get it about letting codies hit bottom. She calls it psychobabble. I'm glad you guys get it!
Love,
KJ
Love,
KJ
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
KJ I really hope you have a nice Easter and don't let all these games suck you in. IMO all this stuff is very over-rated. Why things have to be filled with guilt and games and unhappiness in the name of "family" is beyond me. One day, I will walk away from it...I just need the strength to do it and watching you gives me strength...thank you!!! 
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: NY
Posts: 1,054
kj3880, I think we all have at least one in the family, whether one drunk/ high at the holidays. You do what is best for you. In my early recovery days, I couldn't go around anyone high or drunk, it made me feel so uncomfortable. I couldn't go to my work Christmas Party's for the same reason, and people just don't understand ???why??? A few years into recovery I could go into a bar/restaraunt to eat dinner and it didn't bother me. So I know how ya feel. It does get easier with time, and knowing there is always a way of escape when you feel uncomfortable with anyone.
But an idea... maybe you could drop off some flowers to mom before dinner (sometime during the day), and be on your way.
Anyway....I hope you have a wonderful Easter, no matter where you be!!
But an idea... maybe you could drop off some flowers to mom before dinner (sometime during the day), and be on your way.
Anyway....I hope you have a wonderful Easter, no matter where you be!!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Upstate, NY
Posts: 718
I have learned that when I stand up for me and set boundaries for what I will accept and what I will and won't do, many people in my life don't like it. When I decided no more, I got , "ok, then nobody". It is not easy to do the right thing sometimes and stepping away from the chaos can leave you lonely, but you know what is right for you....stick to it.
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