lalala

I hate to type these words,
husband is in the middle of a relapse. After 2.5 years clean. He was active in his Recovery community, got a very good job, we were in teh process of cleaning up our messes both financially and relationship wise. I was just beginnign to feel the resentment truly dissapate! It began with a bit of gambling and now it is back to crack. He is still managing to function very well at work, still active in all the places he needs to be but every once in a while he dissapears and g-d dammilt it is happenning agian. I need help with my bounderies considering our circumstances..
I have no family in the state I live in, I can't leave state becasuea0 financial and b0 my job which keeps us afloat, I have friends but no-one I would leave and go to, I do not have enough money to move out or stay in hotel with, I have a 6 y/o son who I want to keep status quo as much as possible, I ask AH to leave and he won't. I need to find my limit and I need help with what that is, As we all know words mean nothing with no action behind them and I see he is getting away with murder. I have threatened to call teh police next time I find him at home with it, he has asked me to do so as well, then I don't, I am afraid to. I am afraid of the repercussions, he can't lose his job, his pay goes right to our bancruptcy payment...
Please offer me suggestions, . THe answer might be right in front of my nose but I can't see it.
I love this man, I have compassion for this man, he is a wonderful man and then there is this crap. I hate that he does the drugs but the lying to me is what hurts more than anything. I love him and want to trust him and he looks me right in teh face and lies!
I have opened a new bank account for which he has no access and I keep money away from him as much as possible. It looks controlling but it is actulay survivial, he would spend it and we need it.

I have distanced myself emotionaly/intamacy wise... this also may be understood as controlling, but it is also survivial for me. I am hurting and I miss my partner.

I would apppreciate feedback, be gentle, I am sensitive!
Thanks,
Lala

breakingfree88

lala,
I think you know exactly what you need to do! You say that *your* job keeps "us afloat". Well, if you get out, someway, somehow, you've got the job girl. You've got to do this for your child. I promise you that when dealing with an addict and wanting to get away, the saying "Where there's a will, there's a way" has never been more true. You CAN do it, and we're here to support you along the way. It can start with something as simple as sticking to your promise that you'll call the cops when it is in the house. They'll cart his @$$ out and then you can stay in your current living situation (house-wise). But if that's not an option, get out!! Avoiding having sex with someone is not enough distancing to move them towards their "rock bottom". (I'm going through a similar situation, my ex-fiancee' was in recovery and we were doing great and he has returned to using full-time.)
In fact, living with active addiction and denying intimacy is doing nothing but hurting you. We all need to be loved and supported. He's getting his *support* from drugs. Be your own support and get out!!
Keep us updated!
Love,
Holly

sailorjohn

welcome!!!

I will not be in a close relationship, of any kind, with an active addict.

That is a boundary. I know it's difficult, but it isn't impossible. As it stands right now, you may be the only roadblock in his life between himself and recovery. And you may not be, he might keep doing what he's doing whether or not you're in his life.

Crackreality Discussion Group • Index page

You can read some of the forums there, crack specific information, some of which has been shared on this forum.

And for yourself, see if you can get some local face to face support, you don't need to have you or your son living in that kind of environment. This is really about your life, not his.

Freedom1990

Addiction is progressive-it only gets worse, never better.

Your job is keeping you afloat...for now.

He's functioning at work...for now.

The thing about addiction is that if we don't start making choices for ourselves and our children now, addiction will make damned sure it makes the choice for us down the road.

suchAsucker

You've done so much for HIM. What has he done for YOU lately? When was the last time you can honestly say he's risked as MUCH for YOU as he's risked to get his drug hits? You given everything to save him -- but what have you done in the last 3 months to save yourself? What has HE done for YOU, just *YOU*, to bless yourself? Time to think about YOU, because it doesn't sound like he's thinking about anyone/anything except his own needs lately.. Just my two cents from the peanut gallery...

kj3880

You know that you need to call the police when he brings this in your home. You are prepared, it sounds to me, to take care of you and your son without him, and I think you will be fine. You really will. But you know that you need to get him out of there, and calling the police will do it for the day. But then you need to go get an "emergency ex-parte. Or whatever they are calling it in your part of the world. You can't have this around your six-year-old. It sounds from your post like you expect this answer. I think that you know what to do, and it sounds like you are the type of person who is competent to do it. If you are waiting for permission to get the ball rolling...consider this your green light to go!

Love,
KJ

outtolunch

Whatever you do or not, consider doubling up on birth control.

You have no idea where he has been or who he has been with, or not.

Do not believe what comes out of the mouth of anyone in active addiction.

hope213

i am so sorry for you. my prayers are with you. find a meeting to go to, get a sponsor. i wish i had advice for you. i don't. my son is my addict but i do know that living with an addict is not a life for a child.

Hangin' In

You are smart to have your own bank account where you can protect your money.

Only you can decide what you will and won't allow in your life. Do you want your son around an active addict? Do you want him brought up in a home where the dad is there and then gone without any explanation? This IS affecting your child whether you see it or not.

Please seek out some meetings. You can learn so much about what steps you can take to make your life more peaceful. And I know that's probably not what you wanted to hear. It wasn't what I wanted to hear either. I wanted someone to tell me to go home, do 1, 2, & 3, and it would all be okay.
Reality is recovery for you or him isn't that easy. BUT it can get better for you. It will take some time, but you can regain control of your life, but you have to work at it. Thus....meetings, support, friends who understand, people you can trust ... all can be found in a 12 step program like Al Anon or Nar Anon. I hope you'll seek some help there.

Hugs and prayers,
Hangin' In

frankly

((lala))

Well girl, it's time to make a plan, and by the way welcome back. Is finances really the main issue? Or is it something that you don't want to face. Or is leaving him what you don't want to face. Only you can decide if you want to stay or go. Really think about that. Either decision you make is the right one.

Now, if you decide you want to leave, then make a plan. You have a job and a child to support, you need housing and I suspect, some debt relief. If you are in chapter 13 roll on over into chapter 7, it is there for a fresh start, start looking into the housing market, the way things are today, you might could get something cheap with owner financing, or sign up for section 8 housing that gives you vouchers toward a place to rent that you choose (there may be a waiting list, but at this point you have time). Sign up for foodstamps and state sponsered child insurance (like healthykids, based on your income). These programs are there to help you, use them. This is your health, your childs health, and your sanity that you are fighting for. Stress can kill you. I wouldn't even say a word about what your plans are, just take the time you need and when you have everything lined up and ready, then move out. It's not easy I know. But if it is what you really want to do, then it can be done.

If you decide to stay, make a plan, set your boundaries and stick to them. If you set them to high, knowing you can't carry through with them, then the frustration level rises, especially when he doesn't believe you any more. Start with baby steps. Accept things for what they are, not what you want them to be. You can't change him, you know that, so work on your reactions to his actions.

When you feel weak, like you can't do it, then look at your son and find the strength deep inside of you, you can do it.

I know it is hard, and you are torn, it took me 13 years to leave Mike, rather he ended up leaving me, he couldn't take me being unhappy about his drug use, so he found someone who supported that use and used with him.

Which ever way you decide, you have our support.

Hugs and Prayers
B