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Don't Want A Stone Heart

Old 03-22-2009, 04:11 AM
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rozied
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Don't Want A Stone Heart

I have always been a very compassionate person. At the age of 5 I knew I wanted to be a nurse, and at the age of 14 I started volunteer work.
This business with my son's ex has me in a tail spin. He got back last night at 9:15pm. He took her to the rehab and they admitted her into the detox unit. It was a very upsetting experience for him. Both of them were crying as she was admitted. He is very glad he helped her as he really believes she has reached her bottom.
I am just an angry, angry at her for calling him, angry at him for saying yes, and angry with myself...................for helping, then for feeling like I do about helping. I don't want to be involved with any of this but it is like impossible not to be. Jim & I have been helping Chris since he became a single parent. I am very involved with my 2 little grandsons as I see them everyday & have been the only mother figure in their lives for the last 31/2 yrs. I want to feel compassionate toward her but I guess I am too afriad of what she will do to my son and the boys if she is allowed back into their lives.
This is not a good place for me to be. I wish I could just uninvolve myself from the whole situation but I don't see how.
I finally had a few hours alone and need more time to just be alone and get back in touch with me. So what did I go and do, invite my parents for dinner. I think it was a big mistake as I cannot tell them what just went on with Erica, and the way I feel today I know they will know something is bothering me. If I could I would tell them to take a rain check for another day, I feel I need some time alone, to kind of lick my wounds & heal myself.
This has been a very bad week for me with both my sons. That letter I wrote Joey still is not mailed.
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Old 03-22-2009, 05:36 AM
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Rozied, Do you attend any meetings? I know that for me, meetings help me to sort things out and to keep the focus on myself. Even though my daughter is in recovery right now there are still challenges for me everyday. She has a lot of bills to clean up from her past, she is in a relationship that has challenges and she still suffers from depression. So I still have to find a way to live my life and avoid becoming too enmeshed in hers. This place is a great place to vent and to get viewpoints from others who have been there. But face to face meetings can give you a whole different outlook. It is nice to be able to share face to face with people who have been there, done that. It might be worth a try. Hugs, Marle
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Old 03-22-2009, 06:15 AM
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If you do go to meetings is there anyway your son would go with you? He is pretty much showing classic codie signs himself. I know that you're angry but try to not let that anger be against him too much because he could learn so much from you if he's willing.

Rozied could you be angry because you finally got tough and dealt with the situation with your AS and now someone else is trying to pull you back into their circle of addiction? It almost sounds like when a trigger makes the addict want to use - she's triggering all those old feelings and you dont want to do it again. in that regard its good that your angry and saying no more. not to mention now your seeing your son make the same mistakes and there's nothing you can do about it. that's brings up the feelings of being out of control of a situation - which is hard on all of us. I can only imagine what i would feel like if my daughter had a relationship with an addict - in fact i think it would be exactly how you feel right now - anger.

There is nothing you can do about the Ex.
There is nothing you can do about what any of your children do.
It is not your problem unless you make it your problem.
Right now you are making it your problem.
You have to detach from their lives, their choices, and their consequences.
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Old 03-22-2009, 07:41 AM
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Hi Rozied, I know you're thinking "here we go again." Something else coming in to disturb the family. I don't think the way you feel about the ex is lacking in compassion. You know your limits. You are in "protect" mode right now. You have spent too many years in that crap and know the pain. Having her out-of-sight had her out-of-mind. As they say just..... "stay out of the loop." ........ detach, detach, detach. Be honest with your son that you cannot be involved with helping her as it will make you angry and ill, that job is for HP and the professionals, but the compassionate part is to hope she will make it.

Let go Let God... and lets hope she does accept the help, and turns away from drugs forever. And that she holds onto the HP she needs for a good recovery for the sake of her life. He's not willing that any should perish.

Huggs,
NH7
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Old 03-22-2009, 07:50 AM
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I want her to get well with every fiber of my being...............it has nothing to do with that. I wish nothing but good for her. My son claims not to love her, that its over for him with her, that he could never trust her again after all she has done to him, but he helped her cuz she is the mother of his children. I don't want to see my son hurt again by this woman ( or my grandsons )
I still haven't mailed that letter to Joey. I guess I am having 2nd thoughts about being so harsh.
Everything that happened this week with my son's ex has really knocked me off balance.
I feel like I can't even think straight right now.
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Old 03-22-2009, 08:31 AM
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Let it go Rozied. You can put that letter to Joey in a desk drawer. You don't have to send it. I did that many times with my daughter. I am glad that I never sent the letters because when I was finally able to let go and feel compassion for her as a person with a disease, I no longer felt the need to send my letters to her. But I had to first let go of the outcome for her. As for your younger son, you need to let go of your idea of what is right and wrong for him. Just as you had to endure and triumph over the bad things that have happened in your life, he must do the same. Maybe he understands what it feels like to be controlled by an addictive substance as you have said that he smokes pot. Maybe that gives him just enough compassion to want to help her when she is asking for recovery. It is not like she is asking for money to go shoot heroin. She is asking for a ride to an inpatient facility. Your son is doing what any compassionate person would do. Now do you have to support him in this and give him money. No, you don't. That does not make you have a heart of stone. That just means that you understand the need for your son to make his own choices and suffer his own consequences. You can use the program for other situations, not just ones that deal with addiction. Today you can make up your mind to stay on your side of the street, to accept what you can't change and to change what you can--yourself. Hugs, Marle
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Old 03-22-2009, 08:39 AM
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My husband became unemployed in Aug of 2007. We did not have parents that would pick up the slack for us and so we had to find our way ourselves. Your sons will someday not have you or grandparents around to pick up their slack. Let them learn how to stand on their own two feet now. It will be easier and kinder that way. As for the grandsons you do what you feel you need to to protect them, but there are other avenues for your son to explore in getting assistance besides the bank of mom and dad. Hugs, Marle
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Old 03-22-2009, 10:38 AM
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If I could I would tell them to take a rain check for another day, I feel I need some time alone, to kind of lick my wounds & heal myself.
Rozied...you CAN...If you woke up this morning vomiting and with a high fever would you still have your parents over? I see no difference...right now you are drained and your soul feels sick. Please do give yourself that time to heal and have some peace. It's OKAY to tell the folks that you don't feel well and would like a rain check. And then just be...Breathe. Right now, just breathing and resting and having some time to heal is what is best for Rozied. Let all the other thoughts and worries go for today and focus on Rozied. I'm concerned about you, my friend. The drama is getting to you physically and emotionally. Put the oxygen mask on Rozied first and breathe!
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Old 03-22-2009, 12:05 PM
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rozied
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I could have cancelled but I didn't. I felt that I couldn't back out on dinner as my mom had nothing defrosted. I know they could have gone out for dinner & if I was really that sick I would have cancelled. Jim is helping me & it will just be the 4 of us.
I'm hoping it will be nice. I made a roast pork, sauerkraut, mashed potatoes & applesauce. I also bought a Entenmans for desert. Now if I just keep my mouth shut about Erica, everything will be fine.
Thanks everyone.
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Old 03-22-2009, 12:27 PM
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Remember that your parents are big enablers and speaking about Erica might just get them involved in another mess. Hoping that you have a nice, relaxed dinner. We are having a pork roast too Hugs, Marle
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Old 03-22-2009, 12:41 PM
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Rozied, I hope you have a wonderful dinner. I am too hoping Erica isn't brought up.

Hoping you feel better real soon.
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Old 03-22-2009, 03:43 PM
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As far as the title of this thread, "I don't want to have a stone heart..." I have a different take on that.

I am much more loving when I let the addict/alcoholic make their choices and reap the benefits or suffer the consequences on their own than I was (am) when I control and manipulate their lives. When I am operating from my co-dependent/enabling place, I have selfish motives, or motives derived from ego or fear.

I love/hate the 12-steps. lol
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Old 03-23-2009, 04:34 AM
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rozied
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Thanks Everyone.
Marle, I hope you enjoyed your pork roast.
We had a really nice day. My mom & dad got here at 2pm & we had dinner alone just the 4 of us. After dinner Chris brought the boys over so my parents could see them & spend some time with them.
It was a really nice day & the topic of Erica never came up. They went home at 5pm & Chris took the boys home right after so Jim & I had a quiet night.
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